Breaking up doesn’t mean that feelings go away or that dirty anger will be there forever.
It comes a time that anger goes away and feelings start to be reactivated.
I am aware that it’s quite overwhelming when you get a text or a call from your ex, but do you know why they’re doing it?
When an ex checks up on you or vice versa it’s not weird or uncommon.
What might make it weird and suspicious is the reason behind your ex’s actions.
Your ex checks up on you after the breakup for different reasons. It all depends on their character, their feelings about you, and their intentions.
Some might seek the benefits of the relationship without commitment. Whereas, others might long for your presence and love.
To get a grip on this situation you need to not act in an instant. Don’t stir up old wounds and feelings, that might leave you puzzled and hurt.
To know how to react, check 10 reasons why your ex is checking up on you:
1. They intend to hinder your healing process
This is a bizarre reason that an ex decides to check up on you. Yet, this is reality.
If an ex can’t move on easily from the breakup, he or she wants you to go through the same.
It doesn’t matter if they’re the dumper or the dumpee, they do this out of anger and disappointment.
They thought that they would handle it differently, but now they lost control of their feelings.
This way they boost their ego and make themselves feel better. Your ex’s behavior can be obsessive because their only aim is to not let you go.
It’s pretty normal to feel like you’re lost in translation.
To clear your mind, here is how they might act:
- They’ll text you: “Hey, what’s up”.
- They act hot and cold. One day they try to connect with you and be flirtatious, the other day they will block you.
- They block and unblock you on social media.
- They keep going to the same places as you.
They would do anything just to be in your sight, to remind you of them.
2. Your ex is keeping you as an option
If your ex’s grass isn’t greener, they’ll come back to you.
Your ex will check up on you if they’re not content with their new relationship.
You should check your ex’s interaction with you, to find if they’re checking up on you just for their own needs.
If your ex is checking up on you just to keep you as an option, their conversations will be brief.
1. The conversations will only be very flirty and centered around sex.
2. They might call just to check up on you when they need your help.
They would change the conversation topic immediately, adjusting to their needs.
3. After interacting with your ex, you will be left confused. They aren’t interested in your life’s details that much.
3. They need your presence and attention
Missing your ex is one of the breakup stages that the dumper and the dumpee go through.
If they miss you they wouldn’t come right up to you to admit it. They will start in small steps.
It depends on your ex-partner because missing you can be healthy or unhealthy.
If you had a toxic relationship then they need your presence to feel better for themselves. They just want that dose to boost their ego.
On the other hand, when your ex truly misses you they just want to feel once again that connection.
Note: Even if they miss you, that doesn’t mean that they still love you or want you back.
It can be just a momentary feeling for them.
4. They feel guilty about the breakup
Admitting that they made a mistake breaking up with you can be difficult for your ex.
Also, it depends on gender and one’s character.
As this research shows men tend to apologize for less than women because of their pride and male ego.
Instead of doing it, they want to check up on you. To play it safe and not be rejected, they keep tabs on you.
- They start by initiating contact and trying to be close to you;
- Your ex asks how you’ve been all this time;
- They tell you that they’ve been worried about you;
- They try to rekindle the relationship by wanting to be friends first;
5. Your ex has still feelings for you
Moving on from the breakup it’s not always easy. Feelings can’t be erased if you just press a simple delete button.
If your ex is still in love with you they would send you a message to reminisce on good memories.
They would still care about you and they choose to feel empathy and reach out to you.
When an ex still loves you and doesn’t hold grudges after the breakup:
- Your ex would try to show that they’ve changed;
- They are interested in your mental and physical health after the breakup;
By checking up on you, they want to redeem themselves and show that they’re the one for you. They just want to reconnect.
I read somewhere that the one who betrays cannot reach out due to goodwill.
Well, I think that people make mistakes but there exist also that thing:
“People might change and do everything for the one who they love.”
6. They still can’t accept that the relationship is over
Sometimes people have it hard to accept that the relationship has ended for good.
This is neither a good excuse nor a reason to check up on you, yet is their only way to keep communicating with you.
Your ex would still think that there is some room for them.
They still aspire and think that you could stay friends.
1. You could get messages that they act as if nothing has happened.
2. Sometimes you might “bump” into them. They plan the accidental on-purpose meeting just to check up on you.
By not being able to embrace reality, your ex becomes fixated on this idea.
7. They want to keep a track of your life
This reason is sort of the one who wants to win the breakup.
Some exes do this due to their issues or just because of peer pressure.
They are curious and want to know how you’ve been handling the breakup.
Your ex just wants to compare themselves to you and your progression.
This type of “competition” may be a product of them having low self-esteem after the breakup or just being jealous of you.
In this case, they could be looking at your stories, and keeping in touch with your friends and family.
8. They’re ready to be friends again
If you ended up on good terms and your ex wants to just be friends, they will check up on you.
They would be interested to know about your day and any other activity.
They will do this without crossing your boundaries and without adding any romantic feelings to it.
If your ex doesn’t want you at all, they wouldn’t even bother to focus their energy and check up on you.
The moment they want to put the past behind them and they value you they would check up on you.
Know that they act neutral. They don’t act with any hidden purpose.
9. They’re trying to manipulate you
A narcissist partner would use this as a method to draw you back to them.
They check up on you just to have some sort of control over you.
Their messages would be a bunch of words that give mixed signals.
Your ex might sound like they’re worried about you or that you crossed their mind.
This means that the moment they lose control over you, they want to gain control over you with their sweetness.
A narcissist partner tries to communicate that they did nothing wrong and that can “change”.
This is their way of showing empathy to you since they can’t show it another way.
10. Your ex is confused
Checking an ex after a break up even if you’re confused is very common.
An ex checks up on you because they need an answer for their feelings.
Since distance might not be helping, they keep a slight communication with you to check for a second chance.
Mostly, they keep checking up on you to be their emotional support.
Your ex is still not over the breakup and is still stuck between the past and present.
Some might do this intentionally while others might not. It all depends on your ex’s intentions.
How do you respond to an ex checking up on you?
Every situation needs a different answer or reaction.
Sometimes you need to let go of the past, whereas at other times you need to give it a second chance.
1. Text back simply and be neutral if you broke up on good terms.
If an ex checks up on you after the breakup was mutual, you can reply with a neutral text.
~ “ Hey, how have you been?”
~ “ Hi Sarah, it’s been a while. What are you up to?”
~ “What’s up Ben, I appreciate you checking up on me. How are you doing?”
2. If you were in an abusive relationship, If you were part of a toxic relationship it’s better if you don’t answer at all.
Instead, try to use No Contact and focus all the energy on you.
You can either mute or block their number or social media if this helps you cut your temptation.
3. If you were the one that broke up with your ex.
If you used this time in your distance and you found out that you aren’t compatible, text back and wish them well.
You can choose to either text back and notify them about your decision or just continue your silence.
~ Hey Tom, glad you reached. I just don’t think it is the right time to continue our communication.”
4. Your ex cheated on you. This is a very complicated situation since after being cheated you’re more hurt than from a casual breakup.
If you don’t feel that you’ve healed already and you’re not ready to forgive them, choose to not answer for some time.
If you think that you’ve completely moved on then you be straightforward and write one last text.
~” Listen, hope that is good for you. I’m not ready to speak to you yet. I need my space and time.”
5. You have kids together.
If you have kids together but you don’t want to be back with your ex, then you should keep things simple.
Give them the needed information and don’t give out any unnecessary info.
~ “Hey Jim, we’re good. Yes, Katie did very well on her Math test today.”
6. You have a controlling partner. My advice is to block your partner and not answer them.
This is the best to do since their controlling behavior will push you back into that relationship.
You’ll find yourself pondering your decision even if you did your best by breaking up with them.
I know that it’s easier said than done but make it your goal.
The moment you don’t have their number or social media, it’s a bit easier to shift your focus/mindset.
7. You also want your partner back. If your ex checks upon you and you want to reconnect too, then be polite, straightforward, and not too needy.
“ Hi, how have you been? I am doing good just enjoying the outdoors for the moment.”
This text is simple, informative, and not too vulnerable.
Is it normal to check up on exes?
Yes, that’s pretty normal until your ex has a pure intention of checking up on you.
Sometimes, the answer that you give or your reaction defines if this situation will end up good.
1. Your ex takes your answer as they want to.
What I am implying is that sometimes exes take your politeness or simple answer as an affirmative answer.
It’s very understandable if you don’t want to keep bad blood but you don’t want to go back with your ex.
If your ex doesn’t want to be friends and keep your relationship neutral, checking up on you can go wrong.
2. If your ex has always been polite and respectful, checking up on you is not a problem.
This means that they might still care about you and text you casually.
They will do it without being romantic or reminiscing on the past.
Let’s take this example. If there is an earthquake in your area, your ex checks up on you. There is nothing wrong with it.
It means that they have spent time with you once and care deeply about your wellbeing.
It means they aren’t holding grudges and have moved on.
3. It looks awkward but yes it’s normal if the dumper checks up on you.
At this moment you might be like: Why does my ex check up on me?
This means that they are either:
- want to be back with you to feel better for themselves,
- or they have concluded that your relationship might work.
Conclusion: Why does my ex check up on me?
Exes check up on you for two main reasons: even to reconcile or just fulfill their needs!
They never reach out to you without a payoff. There is always a reason.
You’ll find the reason out by keeping an eye on their interaction with you.
Keep your distance until you can reflect on your situation not just based on your emotions.
Stay firm and don’t let your desires obscure your vision.
Sending good wishes,