What is the ‘hot and cold’ behavior in the first place?
“He’s always hot and cold with me. I can’t figure out if he’s into me or not.”
You have probably heard the expression of someone being ‘hot and cold’ toward their partner.
‘Hot’ refers to the situation when your partner gives you intense love and appreciation, while ‘cold’ is when he’s the opposite and pulls away from you.
His behavior changes so fast, that it might leave you confused and wondering about what happened or if you did anything.
You might also be left thinking that it’s your fault he’s acting this way.
If it has something to do with you, the best way to go about it would be to communicate with you and tell you what’s bothering him, instead of being hot and then cold.
Why is he hot and cold toward me?
There are a lot of men who are ‘hot and cold’ toward their girlfriends.
There might be a variety of reasons why he could be acting this way.
Here are 9 reasons why he might be hot and cold toward you:
1. He’s not mature enough to be in a serious relationship
One of the reasons why he might be hot and cold with you is because he is not mature enough to be in a serious relationship.
He might think that if he gives you all of him, he’ll catch real feelings about you and will be stuck with you.
He can’t resist you but at the same time, he might not be ready to fully commit.
He probably still wants to experience other relationships until he’s ready to settle down.
So he’s hot and cold toward you because he wants you but at the same time doesn’t want you to have high hopes for a serious relationship.
He might be too young to think about a serious relationship and that’s what’s keeping him on the ‘cold’ side.
2. He’s insecure
Insecurity is also a factor that can make a man hot and cold towards you.
He might start as confident initially but starts getting insecure along the way.
He gets insecure wondering if you like him or not, so he’ll stay cold while thinking about that.
He wants to make sure that you like him first, before giving you his full attention. That’s why he doesn’t give his all in the beginning.
If he gives you his full attention and you don’t reciprocate, he might feel like he was played by you and will feel insecure about himself causing him to withdraw and seem cold.
This then adds up to the bigger picture making him seem as if he’s going hot and cold on you.
3. He has someone else
Yes, he could have someone else when he’s acting hot and cold with you.
If he has someone else, he’s spending time with them when they’re ‘cold’ with you.
He’ll come to you when he’s not with her and will make you feel loved for as long as it lasts.
Whenever he disappears, he could be making her feel the same.
He’ll try to find time for both of you and will not be able to give any of you his full attention and efforts.
That’s cheating, and if this is why he’s acting hot and cold with you, you should probably reconsider your relationship with him and what’s best for you.
Though it’s not easy to find out if he has someone else because of course he won’t straight up tell you.
But, his hot and cold behavior will tell you that something is off, giving you a chance to reconsider things and find out what’s going on.
4. He needs reassurance and validation
Does he only come to you when he needs to tell you about his problems in his life and how much he hates himself?
Maybe he is finding it hard to love himself because of his insecurities and he needs reassurance from time to time.
He has probably figured out that you don’t judge him and you don’t let him overthink things that make him feel bad.
Hence, he comes to you only when he needs you to reassure him that everything is going well and he doesn’t need to worry.
But when he gets the reassurance he needs, he just disappears.
He will use this behavior to be ‘hot’ toward you when he wants something from you, and he’ll be ‘cold’ when he doesn’t need that anymore.
He’ll come back every time if you let him.
5. He wants you to chase him
Some men will act ‘hot and cold’ with you just to make you chase them.
This is commonly practiced by narcissists, either as a manipulation tactic or as a way of fulfilling their need to feel powerful and validated.
They think that giving you just a little attention to get you interested will keep you chasing after them when they’re not paying attention to you.
And sometimes that works.
Some women go after men who don’t give them attention and who act busy and mysterious.
According to some scientific studies, women are more attracted to men who don’t chase after them and don’t give them a lot of attention.
So, if he’s acting hot and cold with you, it is very likely that he wants you to give him more attention and to go after him so that he gains a sense of power and validation.
6. He has mixed feelings
A man who is not sure how he feels about a woman can be ‘hot and cold’ with her.
Sometimes he will have intense feelings for you and will be all over you.
But then he might be unsure about how he feels, so he will act ‘cold’ towards you because he needs time to clear his mind and to make sure what he is feeling for you.
It’s very difficult being in a relationship with a man like that because when he doesn’t know what he feels about you, how are you supposed to know?
This explains the confusion and the anger you might be experiencing due to his mercurial behavior.
However, it is a common issue that occurs when one or both partners within the relationship are confused about their feelings towards the other.
7. He’s using you when he needs you
You will know when he’s using you if he only contacts you asking for something.
It could be anything!
- He needs your help with something;
- He needs to fulfill his sexual needs;
- He needs to feel loved;
- He needs someone to open up.
He only contacts you to get something from you. That’s when he’s acting ‘hot’ and you might think that he is interested.
But then he gets what he wants and you don’t hear anything else from him. Not until the next time he needs something from you!
You get the best you could get for a while, he tricks you into believing he’s genuinely interested, then he vanishes.
Unfortunately, it’s very common in the dating world. Though, fortunately, you spot this behavior if you pay closer attention to his way of communicating with you.
8. He’s playing games
Playing games in a relationship will get you nowhere.
Games are what players want, it is what feeds their ego and what gives them a sense of wholeness within their shallowness.
A player will make you think he’s so into you when in fact it’s just his acting that’s good and it lures you into the idea that sticking around with him is a reasonable decision to make.
He might act ‘hot and cold’ with you because he’s not serious about maintaining a relationship with you, so he just texts whenever he’s in the mood to talk and to spend time.
Players are seeing many people simultaneously, so they fit their schedule to get as many girls as they can and usually use them for sexual desires, ego boosts, or other purposes.
That’s why he’s acting ‘hot and cold’ with you. Even though they might master their acting and make you think you’re the only one in their life.
9. He might have personal issues
Out of all the mentioned reasons, this one is more understandable.
Having personal issues might make you not be as present and available in a relationship as you might want.
So, if he has personal issues and tells you about them, try to be as understanding as you can.
It’s often a good sign that he’s giving the reasons and taking accountability for his behavior.
It becomes problematic if he’s dealing with issues yet avoiding opening up with you.
It might leave you thinking that he’s being distant because he’s not into you or doesn’t want to talk to you. And that can take a toll on the way you perceive yourself.
Maybe his issues are just too personal and he can’t share them with you. It would be best if he told you that he’s going through something, even if he doesn’t want to share what it is.
An “I’m sorry, I’ve got too much on my plate, I can’t continue this any longer.” can be enough to give you peace of mind.
That’s why communication is key. It won’t let you overthink and you’ll know exactly why he’s being ‘hot and cold’ with you.
Am I dating a guy who’s hot and cold? Signs he’s hot and cold with you
Certain behavior might be interpreted and labeled wrongly.
Generally, the question of whether you’re dating a guy who’s hot and cold has mainly to do with miscommunication.
Here are some signs that can help you find out if he’s being ‘hot and cold’:
– He loves you one day, then forgets you the next.
He was all over you yesterday, but today you feel like he hates you?
Yes, that is one of the signs he’s acting hot and cold toward you.
He gives you love whenever he wants to, and might forget that you exist the next day.
He will approach when he’s interested, and he’ll back away when he’s not interested anymore.
This behavior of being close to you and then distant is what defines ‘hot and cold’.
– You don’t hear from him after your date(s).
Another sign he’s hot and cold is when you’re on a date with him and you have the best time of your life, but then you get home and don’t hear anything from him.
It leaves you wondering if you did something wrong or if this is just a usual thing he does with a lot of girls.
You’re left wondering what you said or what you did that could have made him back away from you.
Then he might come back as if nothing happened and expects you to act the same.
He might not know that this behavior can affect your interest in him.
A relationship is about consistent commitment, not only when you feel like it!
– He texts and disappears.
Texting can be a tricky thing, because people might stop replying for various reasons, and you might assume the wrong one. For example,
- He might be busy working;
- He might have personal issues;
- He might not be into texting;
- Or he just doesn’t want to talk to you.
We’re hoping it’s not the last one.
He texts you to let you know that he’s thinking about you, so you think that he’s showing interest in you.
Next thing you know, he’s not replying anymore.
God knows what he’s doing or where he’s at because he doesn’t tell you.
And he might not even be sorry about it because he’ll continue the conversation right where he left off.
An interested guy will text you every chance he gets.
And if he can’t reply for some reason, it would be better to let you know why so that you’re not left wondering what happened.
This texting and disappearing is a kind of ‘hot and cold’ behavior where he texts you a little to keep you interested and then disappears.
– He wants the relationship to be on his terms.
This means he only wants things to go his way.
He wants you to be there for him when he needs you, but he might not be there for you when you need him.
He wants to make the decisions that are needed in a relationship, without taking into consideration your views of it.
A relationship shouldn’t be only on his terms, or he has to date himself if he wants it only on his terms.
And insisting on always having things his way might be disrespectful to you because you’re two independent people with your wants and needs.
In a healthy relationship, two parties agree on a mutual thing, not only on one of them.
– He’s rarely available for you.
He might be available for everyone but rarely for you.
He’s available for you just enough so that he keeps you hanging and you can’t let go.
Being available for your partner shows that you put them first before other things that you have to do, and they will feel more important, not left out.
And when you’re in a relationship, you usually make time for your partner as much as you can.
You shouldn’t feel like you’re begging for his attention and time.
You should not be his last option.
– He likes to receive more than he gives.
In this case, you might find yourself asking: Am I giving too much in this relationship?
No, loving someone is never too much. It’s him who is not giving enough.
He’s always expecting you to make him feel loved but he rarely returns it.
You feel like you’re the only one trying to keep the relationship alive since he makes almost no effort to make you feel loved.
You’re tired of always giving all of you and getting a very small piece in return.
You should aim for a relationship where both of you give relatively the same things to each other.
That way none of you feels like you’re giving too much and receiving too little.
How to deal with a man who is ‘hot and cold’? Tips you’ll need for the sake of sanity!
We’ve figured out most of the signs and reasons why he’s hot and cold.
Though there’s one last but not least thing to figure out. How to deal with a man who’s hot and cold?
Here are some tips you’ll need for the sake of sanity and peace of mind:
– Communicate: talk to him.
It can’t be stressed enough how much communication can save relationships.
If he’s being ‘hot and cold’ with you,
- Tell him that it’s bothering you;
- Ask him why he’s being ‘hot and cold’;
- Ask if you can do anything about it.
Even if nothing changes after communicating, you did your part on it and it’s your decision whether you want to stay with him like that or leave.
– Focus on what’s important to you.
It’s always good to focus on what’s important to you, no matter how other people are treating you.
But mostly when they’re not treating you well, like him being ‘hot and cold’ with you, you should make yourself and your needs a priority.
You should focus on what’s important to you, your health, your goals, your career, your wants, and your needs.
Love one day and cold distance the next one is a mean treatment you’re not deserving of. Put yourself first.
– Avoid giving him a taste of his own medicine.
Giving him a taste of his own medicine might not be the best way to go about this because it usually doesn’t take you anywhere.
You might do the same things he does to you but the relationship is just going to grow weaker.
You will both not care about things that you should care about and it won’t go anywhere.
Take the time you need, participate in activities you love, and engage yourself in other things besides your phone.
This will prevent you from overthinking, and on the other hand, it might give you the space you need to realize that his behavior is not a healthy behavior to deal with.
– Talk to a friend you trust.
Talking to a friend can sometimes help you sort out your thoughts and make better decisions.
If you’re unsure about his behavior and you need some external advice or a clearer perspective, talk to a friend you trust.
Tell them how he treats you, how you treat him and let them give you their view on it.
They might point out things that you don’t see in your relationship, and it might make you look at things from a different perspective.
– If nothing else works out, walk away!
If talking to him doesn’t fix his behavior and he continues to treat you the same, maybe you should consider leaving him.
There’s a saying that goes “If you can’t change the man, change the man.”
And this is not in the sense of changing his personality, his views, or the way he is.
It’s in the sense of telling him when he’s not treating you well and seeing if he changes the behavior that is not good for you.
If he doesn’t change his behavior despite your attempts to let him know you’re not taking it well, then leaving is the choice.
Is ‘hot and cold’ behavior healthy in a relationship?
This depends on how you see it. But generally, this is not a healthy way to go about relationships.
Some people think that it is healthy to be ‘hot and cold’ toward your partner.
Those think that they need to be ‘cold’ sometimes to keep themselves interested and not be bored from the relationship. To entice excitement in a way.
That could be healthy for some, and unhealthy for others.
Most people think that ‘hot and cold’ behavior is unacceptable and a relationship won’t work out if it’s not always ‘hot’.
So, this depends on how you see it and the reasons that they have for being ‘hot and cold’.
Try your best to be genuine and keep the games out of your relationship. This way you’ll receive what you give.
Eventually, the ones who aren’t genuine will filter themselves out, making it easier for you to find a partner who cherishes you just as much as you cherish them.