Why Did He Stop Texting Me? Here’s What You Can Do About it
Why would a guy suddenly stop texting you?
Sleepless nights, some crying every now and then, and finally: self-blaming – Way to go!! This is at least how I experienced it. I’ve learned things the hard way.
I know how it feels to be left questioning every word you said, everything you did the past month or so, just so you can get some sort of explanation or reason for their leaving with no warning.
I’m in a much better place now. I worked on myself, I educated myself on this, and understood that it had nothing to do with me. It was in fact his way of perceiving things in his own mind and thoughts. There was nothing I could do about it as it was his problem he was dealing with personally.
There are different reasons why they do it, but it is mostly a sign of immaturity, a sign of lack of emotional intelligence and empathy.
Let’s tackle the mess together!
How Long Has It Been Since He Stopped Texting? – If it Has Been…
Whatever you’re going through, it made you ask for peace of mind to ask a phone, or a computer “What does it mean when he stops texting?”. The answer also depends on how long it has been since he stopped texting. If it has been:
– Hours Since He Stopped Texting
This may happen in the beginning of a relationship, but whatever the case for you is, understand that communication builds through time. It is okay for him (and you) to take the time needed to text/text back. You’re not obligated to be constantly texting, as communication comes naturally.
Plus, you’ve got separate lives, and you do have other things to do besides texting one another, right?
If you’ve been texting on a regular basis (whether it was daily, or weekly) and he stopped texting you, there is for sure something going on. We will discuss the possible reasons further in this article.
If you genuinely felt the connection, and felt like everything was going, at least, fine, and you’ve got no clue why he poofed, you’re not the only one that’s going through such an experience.
– Months Since He Stopped Texting
For ‘small reasons’ it takes less time for him to get back to you. However, the bigger the deal, the longer it takes for him to reach back at you, if he ever plans to.
I’m sorry to be so harshly direct, but texting takes only a few seconds, whatever his reason is (except if he died, is in a coma, or got paralyzed, or his memory got erased, or any other reason that would make him incapable of texting), he could find a few seconds to text you. I’m not saying you don’t matter to him, I’m just saying that if it took so long (in this case, months), it is not worth waiting any longer.
Why Did He Stop Texting Me? – Figuring out the reason/s why he stopped texting you
In such situations there is a lot of potential for you to take the blame to yourself. I’m telling you: don’t! Don’t you dare blame yourself, nor reflect on the situation in a way that hurts you or makes you feel less valuable!
Nothing is really done to you, they are more of: actions to which you reflect a certain way, that lead you to feeling a certain way. In this case, my advice to you is: Reflect on the situation in a way that helps you improve your self-valuing, and your ways of understanding your self worth.
Here are the 5 possible reason/s why he stopped texting:
1. Fear – of commitment/fear of pain, (especially if engaging with you triggers those emotions that remind him of a past failed relationship)
Understand that this is him reflecting or projecting his fears into the relationship with you, it is not your fault, as this is something he’s dealing with personally.
He could be seeing potential for you two to commit to one another, he might not be ready (or he fears he’s not ready), he doesn’t know how to tell you, hence he chooses the ‘easy’ way: not texting back.
The other option of fear could be his fear of pain – this, especially if engaging with you triggers emotions that remind of a past, failed relationship.
Again, I’m not saying you’re triggering those feelings/emotions, it’s more on HIS perception of your words and actions, perception which is based on former experiences. In this situation, it could be bitter experiences that led him to feel pain. Hence, he could be fearful that those exact things happen with another relationship.
If this is the case for him, it would be very difficult to explain, which would lead him to choose the ‘easy way out’.
2. It is his way of ‘getting the control’ in the relationship a.k.a he’s giving you the silent treatment
He wants to be the person who decides when or how the things in the relationship flow. It’s just like those arguments in which we’re feeling helpless, and feeling like lacking a more powerful comeback, feeling victimized, hence the only way to take ‘control’ or ‘power’ over the situation is withdrawing. After withdrawing, they’d be the one feeling guilty, and they’d be the one coming after, we’d get the feeling we got the ‘power’ and ‘control’.
This is a passive aggressive way of taking control in the relationship. And it is absolutely not healthy, not even a single bit.
I want you to reflect on the situation, and not try to take nor give control to anyone involved (including you). If this turns out to be the situation, I’d want you to let go of him, and by understanding your value and worth, find someone that doesn’t value less than you value yourself.
P.S it is not necessary to just ‘find someone’. You can be single for as long as you wish to. Don’t let anyone impose your ways of living your life. Educate yourself through valid opinions, do not let generalised ideas impose your way of living your life.
3. He’s not into you, or he’s not ready for a deep connection
He doesn’t think that you two can have a future together. Or sees the potential, but knows he’s not ready to deepen the connection with you. He chose the easy way out, because he doesn’t want to hurt you by being straightforward.
Perhaps you’ve been in a similar situation before: someone liked you, but you didn’t feel the spark it takes to continue things with them, and you did not know exactly how to tell them. Kudos, if you were straightforward and told them the reason and didn’t just ghost them.
So, to put it simply: he’s not interested in a relationship with you, or he’s not ready or capable of one.
This does absolutely not mean that you’re not worthy of attention or a relationship – It doesn’t make you less attractive nor does it make you more attractive. It simply means that he doesn’t see you two fit together, or he isn’t ready for something deeper, it is his own personal opinion. But what you should do if he’s still using dating sites?
4. He’s not seeing you as a challenge any longer
I’ve been seeing things like: “men love challenges”, well I’d say humans love challenges. We like things/people that keep us interested, but what we find interesting or not also depends on our current state (physical, emotional, physio-emotive, etc). In a few words, we like things that intrigue us, that make us seek them.
In this case, for whatever reasons, he could be not feeling the ‘need for seeking’ or the challenging part in the relationship with you. We can break this down in two points:
- He’s taking you for granted – “I got her!”
He thinks that you will be there whenever he needs you to be there (for whatever thing he could be needing you). Now this is the part where he might’ve misunderstood your words or actions. Let’s say you were helping him, or you were caring, or simply didn’t mind being nice/doing nice things for/to him – he misunderstood it by thinking you’ll always be there. I think you and I both know that he’s wrong!
- He’s keeping you as one of his options.
It connects to the first point. He thinks you’ll be there, so he goes around, thinking he can come back whenever he pleases. He keeps you as one of his options and perhaps did the exact same thing to others as he did to you.
If this is the case, he might come back from time to time. Go, and get back to make sure you’re still there. However, I believe you (and I) know what’s the right thing for you to do ;).
5. He’s actually busy, or dealing with something
I do know, and I do understand that sending one simple text takes seconds only, but I also do understand a busy life, or ways of dealing with difficulties.
I used to text with this guy (long distance relationship), and we texted every single day. I’d wake up to a “good morning sunshine” with a heart emoji everyday, until one day I didn’t, and the day after that, and the day after that… well, more than a week. I texted him once, and then another time just to make sure that I’m doing my part, and I got no reply. I left it at that, even though I was burning inside, I was crumbling thinking of all the reasons, or “all the things I’ve done wrong”.
He did text me after more than a week, apologizing and letting me know that he had been dealing with some work-related issues, he was feeling negative emotions (that’s what he’d call them), and didn’t want to project them on me, or other people. To this day, I don’t have the smallest clue if that was true or not, but it could really be the case.
My advice: If the silence lasts more than a week, this[being busy, dealing with something] might not be your man’s reason.
He Stopped Texting – What to do, and what not to do?
You can’t help but think of reasons why he would do it. Give positive guesses, or negative guesses… don’t! Here are things to do, and not to do when he suddenly stops texting:
1. Don’t text him – Especially not asking him to answer back
However long it has been, he’s taking his time for whatever reason, let him. If you’re in so much doubt that you can’t wait but text him to know if he’s interested or not, check out the 4th point – You’ll find a few examples of texts you can send him in order to give it the last try.
Texting him might worsen the situation, although it depends on the content of the text you send.
Considering that I’ve known a lot of women in this situation, and I was in such a situation, I am very well aware of the incredibly strong yet stupid urges to text him things like “For the third time, is everything okay?”, or “Did I do something wrong?”. Resist, woman! Resist such ugly (yet very human) urges.
2. Keep your expectations low & don’t imagine things
Don’t even expect anything. As Sheakspare said: “Expectation is the root of all heartache.”
Here’s the scenario made simple: You expect and you imagine him apologizing to you, letting you know of how sorry he is. You imagine his phone is broken or lost and he’s going crazy to find ways to text you.
Or you expect to see him sitting at the front of your door and his eyes tired though still having strength to glow when he sees you, so he could finally say: “My phone got stolen, and I thought I lost you forever-”, you go and interrupt him by hugging him tightly and telling him how much you’ve missed him.
This didn’t happen to me, nor hundreds of other women found in a similar situation as you. The scenario continues:
None of the things you expect or imagine happen, so you’re left checking your phone constantly, or looking carefully when coming back from work because you might see him. You end up disappointed, and heart broken.
Do not expect, nor imagine. Let him do whatever he has to do, while you mind your own business and wellness.
3. Don’t blame yourself, instead reflect on the situation and get a lesson from it
At whichever angle you look at the situation from, you’ll end up with one conclusion: It is something he’s dealing with personally. Whether it is an opinion of his about your connection, or his fear, or him being busy, it ends up at his place, at himself.
Whatever the case, however the situation, do not let it affect your definition of your personality. I’m not going to say do not let it define you, because there’s no chance for such a situation to define a grown up human being.
Reflect on the situation. I see it as a reminder to rethink self-appreciation, you don’t appreciate yourself enough if you notice yourself questioning your values just because a guy didn’t text you for days. Noticing is the first step to a healthy and positive reflection on the situation.
I see, and feel you. Take your time and space, redefine your boundaries and determine how you want them to be respected by others. You’ve got this!
4. If You Think You Must Text Him – 5 Texts You Can Send Him
Okay, you’re that one lady that didn’t feel satisfied enough with point number 3, and won’t sleep until you send him that one last text for closure.
It is absolutely okay and human to feel the need for closure, especially if you felt the connection, or if you had an emotionally deep relationship. Here are some texts that might just make him text you back and let you know of his reasons for doing what he did:
- “Hey [name], I’d rather not be guessing about your reasons for not texting me for such a long time, hence I’m asking an honest answer from you. I promise I won’t get upset, nor be judgemental towards your answer.”
If the reason he decided to ghost you is “she won’t be able to understand”, or “I’m scared/afraid”, this will give him the freedom and that push he needs to let you know of the reason.
- “Hey [name], it’s been great to be spending time with you. Considering your way of communicating recently, I decided to end it here. Thank you very much for the time you shared with me. I wish you the best!”
Send this text only if you’re ready to actually end things with him – Only if you mean it. If he’s that interested in you, and has been busy, he will make an effort and will try to give you an explanation.
- “Would you take the effort to tell me why you stopped communicating with me? I am not going to get defensive, nor am I going to get upset. I just need the truth so I can reflect on myself.”
This is a genuine text, a polite way of asking for an explanation. If he cares enough, he will put effort into giving you an explanation.
Note: If he doesn’t reply to your text, please let it be the last one you sent. Move on, and start the healing.
5. Don’t go back
Unless his reason is genuine and you completely believe him, for god’s sake don’t go back when he returns with a lame excuse for his disappearance.
You care enough for him to find the time to answer, to explain when you’re unable to text with him, when you’re busy; You even go crazy when you can’t find time and something happens and stops you from texting him and letting him know in a matter of hours.
I’m not saying to expect the same from him (as I said before, no expectations), but at least have your own boundaries of how much of a behaviour you can tolerate. It is a form of self-respect to require them being respected, and to make decisions when they[your boundaries] are not respected.
Think it through, and ask yourself: Is it really worth it?
Lastly – He Didn’t Return…
A study made by Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in 2018 showed that out of 1,300 people, around a quarter (note: around) of them, have been ghosted in past relationships.
Yet another study made in the same year by Bank My Cell on 1,521 people, showed that 29% of women and 20% of men have been ghosted. Now, the surprise? 82% of the women and 71% of men in the study are the ghosters.
We can surely say that if such a study was to be made today, in 2021, the numbers would be a lot higher.
Ghosting can, in fact, be considered a form of abandonment. Since we humans are social beings (i.e we’re constantly in need of one another’s contant), ghosting is also a form of social rejection. And boy, we don’t take it well. It is our basic need – communication, connection.
Now if he decided that he won’t return for whatever reason, here’s what you can do about it:
1. Accept that he left.
Take your time, accept whatever emotion that you’re going through. It is your body, mind, psyche responding naturally to the situation. Do not force, nor suppress anything. Give yourself time to accept whatever and however happened. Also accept that you will move on, and you will think of this as just a memory of something you went through and made you stronger.
2. Let go.
I’ll let you know something out of my own experience as a ghostee. I developed this sort of fear; I’d think that eventually whenever I’d meet someone new, they too would just leave with no explanation and I’d be left wounded. That was until I let go of it.
To whoever is reading this: This fear will not let you live the amazing experiences awaiting, it will be an obstacle when it comes to meeting amazing, caring, kind people.
Accept whatever happened, and let yourself be open to new experiences. Open your mind, and don’t let it affect your future decisions, or actions.
At the end of the day it is better that they did this. If they’re not capable of giving an explanation to someone they feel a connection with, it is better that they left themselves. Once again, it is a sign of lack of emotional intelligence, empathy, and immaturity.
He did not respect you, your feelings, nor your effort. It is something he’s dealing with himself. This experience doesn’t take away any of your values, on the contrary, it makes you stronger, and gives you the opportunity of learning to let go.
Let go, set yourself free.
He Stopped Texting Me – Questions You Asked
1. “I forgot my brand new purse at his house. Now he ghosted me, how do I handle this? How do I get back my precious LV?”
Ok, hopefully Louis is safe wherever he is. You send him this: “I need my purse this Friday at 13:00! Let’s set a place where you can leave it so I can pick it up.”
Or you can send him this: “I left my purse at your place, and I need it this Friday before noon. If you can’t mail it to me, we can set a place, you leave the purse there, I go pick it up. It is urgent!”
You can send a thank you at the end if you feel like it. Good luck!!
2. “He stops texting me from time to time. There are times he vanishes for 3 weeks or more. What does it mean?”
However, a few common assumptions on this situation could be:
- He needs his time on his own and he takes it.
- He’s busy dealing with something.
- He comes and goes, just to make sure you’re there as an option.
- He’s scared of something. Could be commitment, a fear related to his past, etc.
You can have a discussion with him about this, it is a healthier way of solving things, rather than just making assumptions. Take care!
3. “We are in a relationship, it’s been more than 2 weeks that I haven’t heard from him. What should I do?”
You can wait for a few more days, and/or simply send him something like this:
“I’m grateful to have known you. Your lack of communication is something that’s bothering me, and because of self-respect, I decided to end it here. Thank you for everything, I wish you the best!”
Whatever his reason is, when he sees this text, if he cares, he will put effort and take his time to reply/explain to you.
On the other hand, if he doesn’t, just let go.
Note: do not send the text if you don’t feel ready to end things.
4. “If after he stopped texting, he gets back, explains, and I feel like he’s lying – Is there any way to find out the truth?”
Besides asking him to answer honestly, letting him know of your doubts, and having a healthy discussion with him I can’t think of anything else.
In fact, there’s an unhealthy way of doing it, which I would absolutely not suggest: checking his social media and trying to connect the dots between his words, activity, and actions. Once again, it is unhealthy and unsettling and has the potential to become a texting habit. I would not suggest it, at all!
5. “He used to text me everyday – He stopped texting me everyday. What does that mean?”
Perhaps you’ve met, and it’s been a while since you’ve been dating. Now your communication is clearer when you meet in person. Hence he might not feel the need to contact you every day.
As long as his texting is consistent, you’re good. However, if you feel like it is bothering you, try to explain it to him. It is a healthy way of finding the answer to your question.
I mentioned them in the article, and in one of the answers to the questions above. I’ll sum them up them once again:
1. Having issues with a fear of some sort.
2. He wants to be the one to take ‘control’ over the relationship (as in, I decide when I leave).
3. He might not feel the connection with you.
4. He’s taking you for granted, and is keeping you as one of his options.
5. He’s actually busy. Dealing with something that takes time.
7. “It’s been 5 months since we’ve been texting. Why did he stop now?”
Read the possible reasons above. 5 months is a relatively long time, and if he doesn’t return soon I’d suggest you move on. I think that it is possible that he’s either wanting a connection with you and isn’t capable/is afraid of one, or kept you as an option.
Give yourself time, and take care of yourself. Try to avoid overthinking the possible reasons.
Conclusion – Don’t Panic!
It makes you feel out of control, you have no idea if it is something you’ve done/said, or if something happened to them. The most important and self-helping thing you can do, is let go and leave it to him. It is something personal that’s going on with him.
If/when he solves it, he might come back or not. Until then, you take good care of yourself, by letting healthy thoughts come your way.
Take good care, love,