After the breakup, everyone has that hope that things aren’t over for good.
At that moment we tend to romanticize the idea of our ex rather than reflect on them.
Hence, can we say that getting back with an ex never works? That’s not true.
It depends on the reason that you broke up. If it was fixable then that’s not a disadvantage.
Every relationship and situation is different. It all depends on both of your personalities and how the breakup happened.
The main thing is to not let yourself go through the same situation or repeat the same mistakes.
Getting back with your ex might seem easy and logical because you know them. This way, you don’t start everything from scratch.
On the contrary, if you haven’t moved on yet, getting back will be even more confusing and messy.
Avoid learning the lesson the hard way. You’re in good company!
Check 10 accurate reasons why getting back with an ex never works!
Disclaimer: These different reasons why getting back with an ex never works are related to certain situations.
Beware that each situation is different. I am not going to advise you to stay in passive mode if there’s a chance to work things out.
1. It’s impossible to spot the problem
To rekindle a relationship you need to solve the reasons and issues that you broke up.
Getting back with an ex never works if you can’t spot the problem and solve it.
This can happen when your ex’s attitude changes like a chameleon. They lack a proper emotional connection and have behavior/mood swings.
One day they might be very happy to be with you, the other day they act cold turkey.
Yet, they would be happy to rekindle things but yet won’t create space to work things out.
This time, you need to know if you’re walking in the same relationship as before.
You need to be aware of their intentions and emotions.
If your ex still tries to manipulate you and there are still different red flags, getting back won’t work.
Note: Many people may experience relationship burnout right after getting back with their ex.
This happens because your ex isn’t sure about their feelings yet.
2. Your ex isn’t capable of changing
If your ex has it hard to take responsibility for their actions and improve themselves, reconciling is impossible.
Do you still ask why getting back with an ex never works?
Well, it won’t work if you’re constantly part of an on/off relationship.
Even if you restart on good terms, you’ll end up having the same old problems.
Relationship recycling happens when your ex doesn’t know what they want.
Also, when they repeat the same mistakes.
You’ll go through the same experience, once they get comfortable again with you.
3. You’ll be afraid of breaking up again
Going through a difficult situation will leave a mark on your life.
Thus, don’t go back to your ex if you still have doubts that the breakup might happen again.
You’ll have this distress, once the pattern of breaking up is present and you’ll never be the same.
In this situation getting back with an ex won’t work because you’ll be constantly under pressure.
If you’re the dumpee then you have this emotional frustration and uncertainty about the situation.
Not to forget to mention, the lack of trust that follows after being dumped or even cheated.
Being the dumper, you’ll be a little bit puzzled too. You’ll be in constant fear of being rejected and caught up in your mistakes.
In both cases, if this is constant then getting back with an ex never works this way.
4. You’ll end up in a situationship
If one of you isn’t certain about feelings and just seeks to reconcile, you’ll end up in a situationship.
According to many studies, men are most likely to have a positive idea of their ex.
They connect this idea with the idealization of their ex and don’t try to include their feelings.
Having no strong feelings and being driven only by desire, won’t make the relationship work.
You’ll get stuck in a very unpleasant and complicated situation.
Thus, you won’t be able to progress the relationship or even heal and move on.
When you don’t work on your feelings and sort them out, the relationship will find its way out.
5. You find this as a form of escapism
Getting back with an ex never works if you want this relationship as a way to escape.
You might escape from loneliness, boredom, or guilt.
Either way, if you start the relationship based on the latter elements, you’ll end up in a toxic relationship.
When you get back with your ex or vice versa, you complete your aim. Slowly you or your ex will start to pull away.
That’s because you’ve not ready to use your true feelings.
You’re caught up in limbo and you just need to fulfill that void.
You pull away because you realize that this isn’t what you’re feeling.
You’re just driven by your needs and certain emotions.
6. You’ll try to be responsible for your ex’s actions
Well, trying to always cover up for your ex is the main red flag for reconciling again.
If you were nice and decent in that relationship but your ex still dumped you then coming back won’t work.
The reason that they left you is not related to you.
If it’s not you then you can’t control it, you can only change yourself.
A relationship is made for two people to work on themselves and improve their relationship.
If you keep justifying your ex’s actions and taking responsibility for them then the relationship won’t work.
If your ex is still incapable of taking responsibility then getting back with will never work.
7. Your feelings might have changed
After the breakup, your feelings might change and you might not be aware yet.
If you haven’t gone through the process of grieving, you might be stuck in the past.
Yet, that doesn’t mean that your feelings might have not changed.
You might have interacted with other people and created a new idea of what love/relationship is.
Despite this, you don’t accept this fact since you’re caught up in the idea of reconciling with your ex.
In this case, it isn’t a good idea to get back with your ex, because this reconciliation wouldn’t last much.
8. Your ex still makes you feel inferior
The feelings of inferiority can harm any romantic relationship.
Mostly men or women with low self-esteem tend to create such a relationship.
Getting back with an ex never works if you get back to your old mistakes/routine.
You’re caught up in a vicious circle. You’ll feel like if you do better the relationship will work.
A partner in a relationship should make you and the relationship better.
If even after the breakup, your ex has the same attitude then rekindling is hard.
Your ex is aware of their actions and that they have messed up. Hence, they have it hard to admit it.
This way, you’ll end up in multiple arguments that can lead you to another breakup.
9. Your ex might become too controlling
After the breakup, everyone might feel clingy and a little pushy.
This will lead them or even you at times to become a little obsessive and controlling.
They might be afraid that they will lose you again.
They might do it unconsciously or consciously. All that your ex wants is to not lose you again or to not leave them.
Usually, past trauma is a key element that contributes to controlling behavior.
If you will always confront obsessive behavior from your ex then you’ll end up fighting and not feeling secure.
10. You’re forcing it to happen
Getting back with an ex never works if you’re restraining it.
Even if you’re the dumper or the dumpee you should give your ex some space.
If you’re focusing only on getting them back and using reverse psychology that will push them away.
If you don’t work on yourself but you force reconnection, the authenticity will be lost.
Your ex will feel that pressure and if they’re not ready, getting back with them will never work.
How do I make sure I don’t get back with my ex?
First, you should make sure that this is the right decision.
Then if you want to stop the rollercoaster of emotions that the on and off relationship gives, you should be distant.
~ Start by muting or deleting them on social media. Taking this step helps in avoiding triggering your memory.
This way, you’ll ease the urge to see and control what your ex is thinking or doing.
~ Go through the stages of the breakup. Embrace your feelings.
To detach yourself from your ex, you need to let yourself go through the pan.
If you don’t expect these hard feelings at first, you’ll end up always thinking about your ex. You’ll always have false hopes and want them back.
~ Stop romanticizing your relationship or your ex.
If you focus more on analyzing your relationship, your ex, and yourself, you won’t keep daydreaming.
Try to have a reality check. Write down the good things and bad things about your ex. Balance them.
Let’s pinpoint what is making you romanticize them.
Is it because you miss them, you’re lonely, anxious, or you still have feelings for them?
~ Remind yourself why the breakup happened.
Remind yourself if you want to relive the same moments.
If you were trauma bonded then ask yourself if you want to repeat those moments.
It’s very crucial to spot the problem. Unless you do it, you’ll keep going around and not fixing anything.
The source of your breakup will make you realize a lot of things.
Once you realize how the breakup started then that will lead you to focus on yourself.
~ Use No Contact and improve yourself.
Whether you’re the dumpee or the dumper, to not go back to your ex, you need to focus on yourself.
Take new hobbies and do things that would help in your improvement.
Slowly, you will see your transformation. At first, it will be hard to do it. Yet, if you push yourself, at least for 30 days, you’ll see the difference.
~ Don’t try to be at the same place and time with your ex.
I know that most of the time you don’t mean it but at other times that can be accidentally on purpose.
Even if you don’t meet your ex in those places, your memories will be triggered.
Those memories will make you think more about your ex and will lead you closer to them.
~ Don’t put pressure on yourself. Getting over a heartbreak is hard. Yet, don’t blame yourself for not doing enough to maintain the relationship.
Everyone makes mistakes and everyone misses their chances sometimes.
Be sure to be good to yourself then you’ll reflect on your mistakes. You’ll know what you could have done differently.
This is an important element if you want to move on.
Otherwise, you could be obsessed with your relationship for the rest of your life.
Is getting back with an ex a good idea?
Getting with an ex is a good idea only if there is space for improvement.
Only if there is not a reason that prevents the improvement of your relationship.
On the other hand, if you were part of a toxic relationship then getting back is a bad idea.
There are some situations when getting back with an ex will keep your situation miserable.
Before reconciling there are some elements that you should check:
- If your ex has any type of addiction;
- Previous infidelity and lying;
- Jealousy
- Ongoing arguments;
Whereas, getting back with an ex isn’t a mistake or bad when you broke up for an inconvenient reason.
~If you broke up because of the long distance or because of a stupid argument, you should try one more time.
Before returning, check your ex’s stance.
Sometimes, people tend to mature and recognize their mistakes if they spend time on their own.
Always, people say: “Don’t go back to your ex”’ or “An ex is an ex for a reason”. I disagree with these sayings for a reason.
Before saying that you should know before why they broke up and both of their personalities.
If the reason you broke up is work, different interests, or you weren’t ready for a relationship, things can change.
For these types of breakups, being distant can work to recreate a stronger relationship.
Always if you will work on yourself and find a middle way between you two.
Another point of view: Let’s make it cinematic
To get a grip on this situation, we are also offering another point of view.
Sometimes mixing reality with fiction can help you in understanding the gist of a life problem.
If you’re still wondering at this part why getting back with an ex never works, check these characters’ stories.
The same happens with the character of Helen Decatur in the famous Netflix TV series “Sweet Magnolias”.
Helen and Ryan have many ups and downs in their relationship.
I should point out that they have been having a recycling relationship for years.
They broke up for multiple reasons.
They had different life points of view, one being dominant over the other, and not taking the relationship seriously.
Helen and her ex Ryan don’t agree on one main point of their relationship, having kids.
Ryan has been working through war zones and doesn’t want to raise another child to suffer in this world.
Whereas Helen has always wanted to have a child and leave a legacy to this world.
They loved one another, but anytime they brought up important points of their relationship, they broke up.
Through the years, this couple broke up 4 times. Each breakup was worse than the other.
Each breakup left Helen devastated, especially the fourth one. She was left all alone to deal with their problems.
Every time she was trying to heal, Ryan kept coming back.
He kept acting as nothing had happened and never bothered to fix his mistakes.
In one way, he never was vulnerable with Helen and chose to prioritize his needs instead.
The gist: Getting back with an ex never works in this situation because:
1. There was a lack of communication,
2. Both were determined for their own goals and needs,
3. Her ex ignored his imperfections,
4. They never tried to find a middle way,
5. He keeps coming back to her because of nostalgia.
Love is never enough to get back with an ex, what makes it work is the improvement
The end: Does getting back with an ex never work?
Getting back with an ex won’t work if you’re caught up in the past trauma and both of you can’t overcome your mistakes.
The risk for the following breakup is connected tightly with not grieving and not reflecting on your relationship.
Yet, if both of you work on your flaws and detach from past trauma, reconciliation is possible.
Don’t reunite for the wrong reasons.
Connecting because you miss one another, you’re being bored, or feeling lonely will end up in another breakup.
Choose wisely!
Hugs,
Callisto
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