A lot of us have been put in such difficult positions while in relationships with men who display unstable behavior.
To top it all off, the whole process is super confusing. You’ve had a great day today, but god knows what the next one is going to bring.
The reasons why he keeps coming back every time he leaves yet won’t commit nor show signs that he ever will is exactly what we’re going to explore in this article.
Here are 12 possible reasons why he comes and goes without committing:
1. Don’t get this the wrong way, but, you allow him to.
The biggest reason that he keeps leaving and coming back is because you, in one way or another, have allowed him to.
We all have boundaries. If we don’t make them clear and don’t stick to them, people will walk all over them having no idea they’re doing so.
This could be your case too.
He saw that your door was always open for him. You probably never said a word about how this is super confusing, so he keeps doing it.
It’s understandable if you love him, and your love lets him back in, but when he doesn’t love you back, you need to let him go.
Stand up for yourself, reset your boundaries back up, and close the door.
2. He doesn’t know how (isn’t ready) to commit
There is a great chance that your man keeps disappearing and popping up in your life because he struggles with commitment issues.
He might be going crazy for you, and might long for your presence when he’s gone, but he just can’t stay that long because of his fears and issues.
Once he leaves, the fear of losing you forever kicks in, and there he is coming right back.
Commitment issues are problematic for both. He probably wants to commit to you, but his fears don’t allow him to.
3. He isn’t interested.
There is a slight chance that he isn’t interested in you. The reason he always seems to come back is because of the sense of familiarity.
He always feels welcomed and wanted by you, that’s why he always finds his way to you.
It can be why he comes and goes.
He leaves when he finds company, but he comes back the second he longs to feel wanted, important and loved.
Unfortunately, he could be using you to kill his loneliness or to fulfill other needs in his life through you because he’s sure you won’t say no to him.
4. He is in love with someone else.
He might be in love with someone else, whether it is with someone he can’t have or an ex.
In this case, you could be his rebound.
That’s not right nor healthy for either of you. But it is in your hands to not allow this to go on.
You deserve to be loved right, not to be used as someone’s replacement.
5. He likes something that you provide for him.
The reason he always comes back is that you are giving him something that he cannot find elsewhere; Be it affection, attention, or sex.
He knows that whatever you provide for him, is hard to find elsewhere, so he plays his cards safe by coming back into your life to get it.
The need to have this thing is stronger than his desire to stay away from you. Hence he won’t commit yet always coming back for that thing.
6. He doesn’t like the idea of anyone else having you.
Another reason why he could be feeding you with false hopes can be that doesn’t like the idea of anyone else having you.
He could be jealous, possessive, or even have narcissistic traits.
The probability of this situation turning toxic and abusive is high. In these cases, it’s best to keep him away, because he won’t ever let you move on.
7. He is a player (womanizer).
A womanizer has a mission to get as many women to fall for him as possible. Maybe for him, you are just a number.
It is hard to understand his intentions but pay attention to his behavior and approach to you.
If he is charming, gets the attention of other women, loves the chase, and always focuses on sex and superficial things in the relationship, you could be dealing with a player.
And when it comes to players, commitment is off the picture right off the bat.
8. He is focused on something else.
This is simple to understand.
He likes you and enjoys time with you, but his focus isn’t on relationships or commitment.
People have different priorities in life, and not having relationships and romance as priorities is normal.
He could be prioritizing his career, health, friendships, or life in general without romance. Yet, he’s in for a good time now and then.
The time he spends with you is enjoyable, but not important enough to him for it to become a priority.
9. He has a lot of unresolved issues (traumas).
A person’s struggle to commit is mostly rooted in their traumas.
Men struggle more with healing often due to shame.
What he’s dealing with can be childhood traumas or trauma from failed relationships in the past.
If he has experienced infidelity, toxicity, abuse, or heartbreak from a relationship, he’s likely to be highly skeptical of people and relationships overall.
But, since he’s human, he loves a good and enjoyable time with another human — in this case, you. Since that’s easily accessible for him, he’ll come back for it whenever he needs it.
10. He’s playing games to get the upper hand in this connection.
There’s another ugly possibility to this story.
A lot of people are capable of doing what it takes to have power over their connections with other people, be they romantic partners, friends, or family.
In this case, the guy you’re dealing with could be doing this vanish-return thing to keep you on your toes and establish the upper hand in your connection.
This way, he could be presenting himself as superior, in a sense of “I don’t have much time for you,” or “I’m too good to fully commit to someone.”
Making you feel worthless and accepting whatever erratic behavior he serves on the table.
11. He wants to keep exploring his options.
He could be feeling insecure about the connection with you, hence he won’t commit.
On the other hand, the time he spends with you is amazing, hence he comes back for more every time.
Keeping his options open can be his way of not making rushed decisions because he’s likely to still be curious about ‘what could be out there’.
12. He can’t let you go.
He doesn’t love you, but also can’t seem to let you go. In these cases, he just doesn’t know when to move on.
It’s a selfish habit of his, that he refuses to acknowledge or fix. Also a common trait in narcissists.
He possibly failed to find someone who treats him as well as you do. He refuses to commit to you, and every time you bring it up, he flees just to come back once again.
Other relevant reasons why he can’t let you go yet not commit can also be:
- He doesn’t want to be lonely.
- He has an avoidant attachment style.
- He is feeling nostalgic.
- He needs your help with something.
Turning the tables around and finding peace for yourself.
You finally have your answer for his behavior. Now is the time to focus on yours.
Whatever his reasons may be, if you’ve voiced your concerns and he continues with the same behavior, it’s time to move on.
– Have a conversation with him about this.
Next time he comes around, let him know about how his behavior is making you feel, what you expect from this connection, and what you’re not okay with.
Here are some examples:
- “I enjoy my time with you, but this vanish-return behavior is confusing. I’m looking for a serious and committed relationship. If you’re not looking for the same thing, I understand. I’d just like to know whether we’re on the same page or not.”
- “I think you’re a great guy, but I don’t like the fact that you come and go. I want a committed relationship, however, I don’t think we’re on the same page. Hence I don’t think it’d be fair to neither of us if we’d continue seeing each other.”
– Put yourself first.
This is the time you focus on your well-being and your mental health.
Craft a healthy routine for yourself that includes things that benefit your physical and mental health. Some of those things can be:
- Reading self-help books;
- Introducing physical activity to your daily routine;
- Spending more time with friends and family;
- Focusing on your career and hobbies; etc.
– Reclaim your confidence.
His behavior has likely destroyed your confidence and self-esteem. It’s time to remind yourself how strong you are and what you deserve.
Jane Morales says “The first step to winning back your confidence is to recognize how valuable and important you are. No matter what others think and say, find the worthiness inside you.”
– Learn to set and respect your boundaries.
It’s okay to not know exactly what you want and what you don’t want.
However, you have to have a little talk with yourself and figure out what you’re not willing to tolerate in a relationship.
Slowly start setting your boundaries so that you’re nice and clear about them with people who step on them.
For example, you don’t feel good if a man comes and goes from your life. That’s something you don’t want to put up with. That’s a boundary.
Once you set your boundaries, you communicate them, and if they’re stepped on, you voice them instead of hoping it won’t happen again.
– If you feel like it, start looking for other potential partners.
Open yourself to the countless opportunities life has to offer. Your dream man is somewhere out there.
You are worth it and deserving of love. Don’t settle for the bare minimum. Keep your standards healthy, and love will knock at your door.
Love,
Callisto.
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