In various situations, distance isn’t the golden ticket to rebuild a relationship or even move on.
We all have that one friend who tried this rule and it worked perfectly fine for them. Also, despite that, you might have come across many success stories of other people, on the internet.
Yet, you wonder: When does No Contact not work?
That all depends on a few factors; having the wrong intention, specific situations, when you aren’t very dedicated, and when you refuse to nourish yourself first.
It isn’t easy to decide whether to use this rule or not and whether that will work for your situation.
To have a better idea of it, check out these 10 different situations and tips:
1. You use No Contact just for the sake of doing it
The core aim of No Contact is to help you to move on and reflect on your relationship.
The No Contact doesn’t work when you give it a try, out of pain and blue.
If you just choose this method because you are desperate to fix it, you will find yourself in a chaotic situation.
Tip: Before using this rule it is important to understand the role and impact of No Contact and then you will know whether it will work for you.
2. When you focus more on your ex than yourself
After the breakup, the dumpee feels in denial, in pain, and searches for a way to move on. All you want and need is feeling well again and getting your ex back.
If you focus your attention only on your ex then the healing process will stop and you won’t be able to reflect at all.
Refusing to move on will confuse you even more. You won’t be able to think clearly, heal, and you’ll push away your ex.
Tip: Aim to make yourself better and change your mindset by being part of many activities and discovering new things to do.
3. If you were distant or estranged from your ex
When your ex has lost complete interest in you and has been pulling away for months or years, it is hard to turn the tables around.
Yes, scarcity can indeed raise attraction, but this situation is completely different.
With No Contact, you can raise interest and attraction to some extent but in this case, might not make your ex be as attracted to you as before.
Tip: You shouldn’t use No Contact to manipulate one’s feelings, yet you can use it to improve yourself and you might try to be open to new opportunities.
4. A lot of time has passed since you broke up
If you broke up a year ago or less and you didn’t use the No Contact immediately then using it later won’t have any effect.
After the breakup, you might have begged your ex and talked to them from time to time.
Then deciding to go No Contact will be a surprise for your ex and won’t take your action seriously. At times, it might lead your ex to confusion too.
Tip: You should make yourself distant from your ex and set your healthy boundaries.
5. When you’re the dumper and you regret it
Does the No Contact work if you are the dumper?
Yes, the No Contact will work if you are the dumper and you use the distance to reflect on your decisions.
Yet, this rule doesn’t work in reconnecting with your ex since choosing to not connect with them will confuse your ex, even more.
If you do not communicate your feelings then you’ll constantly wonder what your ex is thinking and feeling.
Tip: Try to communicate with your ex after a week or two when both of you will be calm and willing to have a decent conversation.
6. When you break the rule multiple times
It is quite normal if you break the No Contact for the first time, but if you keep doing it a few times then that won’t have any effect.
The No Contact won’t work because your ex will know the pattern that you use and is already prepared on how to act towards you.
Tip: Instead of focusing only on why No Contact isn’t working, try to focus on improving yourself.
Don’t be hard on yourself, learn to cope with the pain by shifting your attention from your ex to yourself.
7. You had no closure with your ex
All breakups hurt the same but when you have been dumped without an explanation that hurts the most.
You should avoid using No Contact in this case since breaking up without any firm explanation will hunt you and keep you always going back to your ex.
Tip: In this case, when you notice that the No Contact is not working for you then choose to just have the last conversation with your ex.
After that, you will be free, hurt, but able to move on.
8. When you are focused only on winning the breakup
Ending a romantic relationship can be devastating. After that, you are all focused on demonstrating to your ex- that you’re worth it!
No contact doesn’t work if you use it to degrade your ex.
If you use your distance to make yourself better and happier for your ex and not yourself then that will backfire on you.
Tip: Instead of focusing on winning the breakup and claiming that No Contact didn’t work for me, try to use that pain, hate maybe, hurt, confusion, to heal yourself.
You can do it by hanging out with your friends, talking to someone about this issue, and engaging yourself in new activities.
9. If your relationship was a fling
If true feelings aren’t involved in your relationship then even distance won’t have any impact on your “ex”.
The No Contact will help you in having a clear idea of whether what you had was a relationship, situationship, or just a fun time.
Scarcity can make the other person miss you but it will be very hard for them to change their stance towards your relationship.
Tip: In this case, it is better to look at your situation from another perspective and be open to other relationship possibilities.
10. Your ex has moved on already
It is a little bit difficult to use No Contact with someone who doesn’t feel anything towards you.
It is like instilling feelings in something that is already gone.
No contact doesn’t work in this situation because even the scarcity that will be created for some time won’t continue when you two will spend some time together.
Tip: Don’t be upset or break yourself down just because you won’t be able to get your ex back with No Contact.
Instead, use this time apart to reflect on yourself and your relationship.
How do you know that No contact isn’t working?
Since the No Contact won’t work for every situation, here are 8 signs to find out when NC isn’t working:
- You are not able to move on; You are constantly thinking of your ex, how are they feeling, how are they doing, or what do they think of you?
- You only focus on winning your ex back and you aren’t dealing with the pain and moving on;
- You aren’t able to talk about this matter to anyone;
- You fantasize about getting back together with your ex;
- You refuse to embrace changes and face reality;
- You still check your ex’s social media;
- You organize ‘accidentally on purpose’ meetings with your ex;
- You become suddenly a part of a rebound relationship;
It is impossible to avoid the pain and the urge to reconnect with your ex, but be more determined to be more disciplined by being engaged in other activities.
What if No Contact doesn’t work?
If the No Contact doesn’t work, the best thing you might do is to convince yourself that this rule might or might not work for you.
No matter what you should be able to focus on mending yourself and not degrading yourself for not having a successful story.
Instead of doing that you should:
~ Focus on the emotional connection between you and your ex. Maybe this is not the right time when your ex feels able and ready to reconnect with you.
You should focus on from which place you are interacting with your ex or what type of approach you use.
If you tried to reconnect from the place of damage, control, anger and being a doormat, that will reflect on the way your ex reconnects with you.
~ Don’t panic but be yourself. Don’t use the No Contact rule while acting like you are outgrown but you might be just acting like that.
Embrace changes step by step. Don’t rush to change yourself in a short period just to be close to your ex.
~ Relax, know yourself and don’t play hard to get.
If you use interchangeable being distant with playing hard to get then that’s the reason that prevents the impact of No Contact.
There is nothing wrong with playing a little hard to get at the beginning of your relationship.
Yet, later on in the relationship, when there are issues you should try to understand the situation and act wisely.
~ No Contact shouldn’t be your only tool to redeem yourself and your relationship.
Instead of using No Contact as your only tool, try to pay attention to issues that you have been avoiding or conversations that you never had.
Don’t push yourself in overanalyzing things, what your ex is thinking or how he or she is acting towards you.
Demonstrate your character and show when you want to stand in your relationship.
Does the No Contact work if you were dumped?
Yes, the No Contact rule works if you were dumped and if you’re willing to move forward.
1. The main aim of No Contact is to shift the mindset from feeling small to regaining the self-confidence that you need.
The time that you spend apart will help you reflect on who you are and what you’re capable of.
2. It will help you collect your thoughts and avoid begging & pleading.
At the beginning of any breakup, it is very difficult to try and stay away from your ex. No Contact will help in setting boundaries for yourself and your ex.
3. You will reflect differently on yourself and your relationship.
Spending some time apart from your ex will make you take a step back and see your relationship from a new perspective.
4. You will understand the value of you and your relationship.
Being distant will help you in going back to the old you. Fighting and all crying and the breakup might have damaged your self-confidence and wellbeing.
Thus, you regain the power and work on understanding yourself!
5. Your ex will have the chance to reconsider his or her feelings towards you.
The No Contact will work if you were dumped since after some weeks of No Contact they will start to miss you.
They will be curious about you and have second thoughts about their decision.
It’s a wrap- Why No Contact doesn’t work?
The No Contact doesn’t work for every situation and everyone.
You might have lost all feelings and being distant won’t help in rekindling something that might be already gone.
Everyone has their side of the story and their unique situation. If you have just broken up without explaining to one another then the distance will make it worse.
That’s why you should choose to examine your situation, determine the aim of why you want to use NC, and upgrade yourself and your relationship.
If I am the one who is dumped, and the woman who dumped me goes no contact, there will be no chance of reconciliation. I will give them about seven days to contact me. If at such time, after the no contact she contacts me, I will tell her I have no more interest in her. I take the analogy of if you accidentally cut somebody and they are bleeding, you don’t wait a month to get them first aid, they need it now. If they believe they did the right thing in dumping me, then, fine, don’t contact me and don’t return any of my outreach. Life is too short to wait for somebody to get their stuff together. I will simply honor their dumping of me and move on. I’m not a yo-yo to be played with.