When a guy starts to pull away, you feel a combination of worried and confused as to what you should do next.
There are two sides of you right now—the side that wishes to cuss him out to oblivion, and the one that’s fearing for the integrity of your relationship.
However, you must maintain a graceful and mature demeanor regardless of his immaturity: this is the only way to show him what you’re made of.
The 3 stages of a man pulling away from a relationship.
A man’s pulling away in a relationship is far from unnoticeable.
- It all starts with him slowly making less time for you: telling you he’s too busy (although he’s not) just so that he can get out of your plans.
He tries to mask this by blaming it on his busy schedule and sweet-talking you into not suspecting his intentions.
- Then you REALLY start noticing the lack of effort on his end. He goes hours or days without talking and sounds quite dry when he does so. Your conversations stop being deep and his demeanor is way colder.
He takes forever to text you back and stops putting up filters.
- Lastly, we have an extreme case of pulling away where he stops all contact.
He gives you little to work with regarding your relationship: he doesn’t reply, initiate, or treat you like his partner.
These are the main 3 stages all men go through when pulling away—this is what to do next:
1. Try to have a discussion with him.
Before you do anything rash you may or may not regret, I urge you to have a talk with him regarding his distant behavior.
Give him a call when he’s free and ask him if he’s down to talk about something important, after which you’re going to start spilling your heart out.
- “Thank you for finding the time. I wanted to ask you whether everything is okay or not because you’ve been giving me the cold shoulder. Is there anything you’d want to talk about? I’d appreciate your full honesty.”
Be reserved and understanding—refrain from panicking or losing your temper if you want to know what’s going on inside this guy’s mind.
Don’t accuse him of losing interest just yet. Let him understand on his own that how he’s treating you is unfair.
2. Don’t beg. Give him the space he wants.
He wants some space? That’s fine. Give it to him. You mustn’t frantically call or text his phone: he won’t answer if he doesn’t want to.
- The best way to deal with this situation is to respect his choices. This ensures you don’t look desperate and/or immature.
And even more importantly, do not beg him to come back; showing him how hard you’re taking his absence will make him feel pressured, which on its own is enough to make your distance grow.
This is how you’ll prove to him that you’re a self-respecting person who won’t entertain any childish games.
3. Don’t try to plead with him either!
Pleading will only make things worse as it puts the other person in a higher position where they’re given way too much power.
Realizing that a man is pulling away comes in waves—you notice (but choose to dismiss) the little signs until they become too obvious to ignore.
This is where the panic starts to kick in: you don’t want him to give up on you, so you offer him something to “sweeten the pot”.
You might feel the urge to tell him you’ll do whatever he wants as long as he doesn’t leave you, including compromising your boundaries.
- “Please don’t go. I really like you and would do whatever it takes to prove it. What about we do that one thing you were talking about?”
You must avoid doing this as not only will it make you uncomfortable, but it will also prompt you to stay in a toxic relationship.
4. Keep your temptations to text him in check.
I know you might want to text him just to see if this time he finally texts back, but trust me. Don’t.
Don’t reach out to him at all during this time aside from asking him how he’s doing. If you’ve already overdone it with the texts, it’s not too late to stop!
Whenever you feel the urges creeping up on you, just remember that if he wanted to, he would: he would text you and put effort into your relationship.
- Keep reminding yourself that the more he hears from someone he’s deliberately pushing away, the more tired and less willing will he become.
5. Focus on making stuff fun for yourself instead.
Who says that you have to sit and wait for him to stop being immature? Absolutely not!
Keep occupied the way you know best, whether it be with the help of your friends or your comfort TV show.
The goal is to keep yourself distracted from what he’s doing, which also helps to keep you from reaching out to him.
He (as well as you) needs to learn that your life doesn’t revolve around him and that you don’t need a guy to feel fulfilled because you are high-value.
6. Don’t let your insecurities cloud your vision.
You know, not every unfavorable thing your partner does is caused by you; sometimes guys pull away when they have too much on their plate.
They’re knee-deep in the pool of stress and need a small break from people—this is most likely true if your guy is someone who wants his alone time.
Taking this into account, don’t assume his pulling away has something to do with you right off the bat or you’ll be beating yourself up over something that might not even be your fault.
This is why I encouraged first things first to talk to him. Take a deep breath and remember this whenever these thoughts overwhelm you!
7. Do NOT stalk his social media accounts.
When a guy is pulling away, you have to potentially look into ways to forget him, and that can’t be done when you surround yourself with his pictures.
I advise you not to stalk his social media and activity status as it will keep you from moving on while simultaneously making you overthink.
Imagine this:
He’s out there, living his best life and going partying every weekend whereas you’re stuck waiting for him to finally say something.
To say it’s unfair would be an understatement, so quit sabotaging yourself and stay out of his Instagram stories!
8. Don’t do anything for the sake of getting his attention.
“Why won’t he just talk to me?!”—I know the feeling.
Despite how despaired you’re feeling about his decision, never stoop as low as to do things for his attention.
This includes trying to guilt-trip him into coming back, bashing him on social media, or trying to make him jealous.
And do not try to convince his friends to talk some sense into him…he’ll feel uncomfortable.
9. Be subtle in your attempts to get his attention.
If you really want this man’s attention, then there’s one subtle way to do it:
The next time your friends and you go out for some fun, upload photos of your night to your social media profiles.
If he’s pretending to pull away in an attempt to get you to chase him, this is how you show him you’re not someone who gets bothered.
In the end, the best revenge is living your life as if his absence has no impact on it whatsoever.
10. Talk to someone else rather than him.
Do you know how some people tell you that the best way to move on, is to move on with someone else?
You can give this theory a try if you and this guy are simply talking and not a couple just yet—if you feel comfortable.
When having developed feelings for someone, we usually can’t picture ourselves with anyone else, and getting to know more people will help you with this issue.
It doesn’t have to be romantic right off the bat, think of it as socializing: you’re getting to know other people without knowing how it’ll end.
11. Be careful who you confide in.
So far his friends, relatives, and people you don’t fully trust are out of the question as they might tell on you.
He mustn’t find out how much power he has over you, so if you want to open up to someone, make sure it’s someone you trust.
Be careful with social media as well.
Posting depressing stuff on social media during this time is a big no-no because he’ll know who you’re talking about!
12. Does he want space or is he losing interest?
The behavior of a man who’s pulling away is awfully similar to that of a man who’s losing interest.
- In general, when a man’s schedule changes and not his actual behavior (i.e. loving), then he’s most likely only busy.
He’s told you that he’s going to be occupied for a short while and isn’t able to give you the kind of communication you want—however, he hits you up whenever he can.
- When a guy loses interest, he’s usually not going to explain his actions AT ALL. He’s online and very active on social media but keeps on ignoring you.
There’s a shift in his demeanor because he no longer treats you lovingly.
13. Get to learn each other’s boundaries.
What to you might seem like “pulling away”, to him it’s just normalcy. Is the guy you’re talking to the independent type?
Is he the type to want some space, as opposed to asking you for help?
Whenever something goes awry in his life, he has a habit of shutting people away for a little bit and pulling away; this is a defense mechanism of many.
He might not even be aware of the fact he’s hurting you, which is why I recommend you get to learn each other’s boundaries.
Ask him what’s up and if my theory is correct, I encourage you to—very politely—tell him how worried his actions are.
But keep in mind that wanting space is not necessarily a bad thing in relationships.
Dr. Danielle Forshee says that space helps couples re-ignite passion in a toxic relationship by creating some much-needed independence.
14. Ask yourself, “Is this what I want?”
Space may benefit a couple, but the “I need some space.” excuse loses its credibility when overused.
If you’re not happy with how your boyfriend deals with issues (by pulling away), then you’re well within your rights to re-think being in a relationship with him.
When two incompatible people get together, they’re always going to clash in one way or another.
For example, a communicative person who’s actively trying to talk things out and their stubborn partner who refuses to cooperate.
If you’re the communicative person in this relationship, I want you to ask yourself whether this is what you want.
Do you want to constantly be the only one showing an ounce of maturity? Are you content with begging your boyfriend to talk things out?
- There is nothing wrong with taking a step back to re-evaluate your relationship. Operating a one-sided relationship is mentally and physically draining, especially when you remember there’s someone else out there you’re more compatible with.
What’s going to happen to the relationship?
Just like any other relationship, you two are going to either:
a) sort things out and live happily ever after;
b) or eventually break up after having had enough of one another.
A relationship where someone is pulling away is a tough one to navigate as “pulling away” entails a decrease in communication.
With that in mind, the first thing you should do is talk to him about his behavior as we discussed at the beginning.
Leaving things as they are is too dangerous: you’re giving up, and he’s obviously given up…who’s going to save the relationship?
- If your boyfriend refuses to talk, or he does but doesn’t do anything to correct his behavior, you need to decide if you want to stay or leave.
Staying, in this context, means you’re going to be a part of a painful relationship in which you can’t talk to your own partner.
As for breaking up with someone you love, you’re putting yourself first and getting ready to move on from heartbreak.
– P.S. It’s okay to break up with him if it means prioritizing yourself.
One-upping a player is easy because you usually wouldn’t feel remorseful, but what about a nice guy who can’t help but pull away?
Well, if you’ve been patient and done everything you could to support him, yet the pain isn’t getting any smaller, it’s time to leave.
A hot take, I know, but I will never stop advocating for self-care.
Being in a relationship is supposed to be a joyous, beautiful experience—not perfect by any means, but not detrimental to your mental health either.
You have his boundaries and so does he. If he is staying true to himself by shutting you out, then he’s obviously prioritizing himself.
As should you. If you’ve been contemplating dumping him for a while, this is your sign.
Leave him alone until he comes back.
If you’re wondering whether you should let him be or not, I recommend you do so until he comes back.
For whatever reason, his actions imply he wants to be alone for a little while, so the next conversation you two have should be initiated by him.
Don’t try to get his attention because you’d be showing that, to some degree, he still has power in your life—being neutral is the best choice here.
You can try to make him jealous, but what’s the point in that if it makes you uncomfortable?
The best advice anyone can give you is to look after yourself!
Lots of love,
Callisto Adams
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