Why is he using dating sites when in a relationship?
Here’s what to do if your boyfriend or husband has an online dating profile:
Thanks to dating apps/sites, dating nowadays is way easier to access. Despite its good sides, online dating has its undeniable bad sides too. I personally think it has more bad sides if you’re not vigilant when using them[dating apps/sites].
Since dating through dating apps is super easy to access from everyone using them, dating apps make comfortable room for infidelity too – It is because it has a lot of potential for it to go unnoticed, and it’s a lot easier than the other ways of doing it[infidelity].
Finding your partner on dating sites when exclusive with one another, can be very difficult to process, as you’re faced with disappointment, doubt (in a lot of forms of it), and difficulty to comprehend the situation.
(Before we get into the article) I’d like you to take a moment and accept whatever you’re feeling right now as normal, as a way of you reacting and reflecting on the situation. I wouldn’t want you to suppress anything, feel it as it comes until you process it entirely.
Table of Content
How to find out he is on dating sites – Using three exact ways
What should I do if he’s on dating apps/sites?
Explaining the possible reasons he has a dating profile
Deciding whether you want to have a discussion, or leave the relationship
A few things I’d like you to keep in mind, wherever the situation leads you to
Now, since the question has an IF involved. I’d like you to take a moment and think of what you have on the table that proves you your partner is on dating apps/sites:
How to find out if your boyfriend is on dating sites?
You don’t want to accuse him of something he didn’t do. You want to make sure he’s on dating apps before you ask for an explanation, otherwise it would be absurd.
Let’s see the healthy and unhealthy ways on how to know if your boyfriend is on dating apps/sites.
1. Talk to him about it with him – Ask him if he has a dating profile
If you’re in doubt, or accidentally saw something that looked like a dating app on his phone, or you’re curious and worried, either way, take in consideration to ask him and have a healthy conversation about it.
I know it can be difficult to even just think about it, let alone do it. BUT, it is worth giving it a try, rather than having yourself constantly in doubt and stress about something that (compared to that feeling) can be solved easily.
2. A friend of yours that has dating apps/sites can help you
You can just let them know to pay more attention if they see your husband or boyfriend in order to let you know.
It would be nice if you’d have a couple of friends in different dating apps, and they’d be swiping for themselves, but also keep in mind to let you know if they’d see something that’d interest you: your partner.
3. Search for his name
This one answers the question “How can I find out if my boyfriend is on Tinder?”
Considering that Tinder is the most popular dating app, if he decides to get somewhere he’ll probably get tinder. So, if he’s on tinder, you can search his name on google in two ways:
1. tinder.com/@username – Think of a possible username they’d use, try to be as accurate as possible. For example if his name is John and he’s 27, you can go for tinder.com/@john27.
Keep in mind that you want to do your best to guess their username, not the name they use to be displayed on Tinder.
2. site:tinder.com name – Here you can guess the name they could be choosing to display on their profile. For example, site:tinder.com john. You just google that, and you’ll see tons of tinder profiles with Johns on google.
Note: don’t write site:tinder.com name with capital letter, it won’t show you results of profiles.
Wrong-way: Site:tinder.com name
The right way: site:tinder.com name
3. Cheater buster net – You have to pay for this one. It’s $9.99 per search, but it does the work. Name, age, and exact place you think they’ve used tinder for the last time. You click search and wait for your results. You can know more about this at cheater buster net.
4. Would not suggest, but it is the last option: opening a dating profile on a dating app/site
Set the preferences according to what your partner looks/is like, and start exploring. This is one of the things that ruin the experience for other users that have pure intentions of finding someone to date on the site or app, however, if you feel like you must do it in order to feel better, do it.
Just keep in mind that it has more potential to waste your time (and other people that go through your profile), rather than have you find something that’ll make you feel at ease with yourself.
I’ve seen this being suggested almost everywhere, and it was the first answer to questions like “How can I see if my boyfriend is on a dating site?”, or “How can I find out if my partner is cheating online?”
It is not a healthy way of doing things, but once again, if you feel like you must do this in order to feel better and feel at ease with yourself, knock yourself out.
5. I beg you not to do it: check their personal electronic devices
If you’ve started with the research for the “finding my boyfriend/husband on dating apps” you will find such answers in a lot of places.
I beg you not to do such ugly thing. Reasons?
- You violate their privacy.
- It is a form of lack of self-respect, lack of respect towards them and their private space.
- It is absolutely not healthy, and the ugliest way you can solve an issue.
- You will feel terrible if they’re ‘clean’, and if you ever tell them, they will be the one lacking trust towards you.
I’d like you to imagine if the same thing was done to you, whatever the case might have been, guilty or not.
I believe it is better to start talking with him about it, even if it turns into the messiest conversation you’ve ever had, rather than do one of the ugliest things you can do in a relationship.
What to do if/when you find out your partner is on dating sites?
I know that feeling of something heavy in your chest and head right when you lay eyes on that profile, or picture, or hear the “I didn’t know how to tell you for so long: I-I saw your boyfriend on Tinder[or any other dating app]”.
It feels so heavy, and so unbelievable, though we’ve been doubting for so long, and we’ve been expecting it to happen, the unexpectable, the unhappenable.
You don’t know what to do, while the heaviness gets heavier and starts spinning you around.
So to answer your questions like “What to do if you find your boyfriend on Tinder?”, “What to do if you find your boyfriend/husband on dating apps?” or the simplest “what should I do now?” I made a list of what I’ve learnt (the hard way), is best to do in such situations.
1. Calm down, breathe, think about it
You are overwhelmed by strong emotions and feelings you’re experiencing at the moment, and it affects the quality of your thinking too. Hence, you want to calm down first, take a deep breath, and finally start thinking it through in order to make a decision.
Just take the time you need to calm down, and feel that you’re ready to make a decision before you finally decide something.
Have a glass of water, whatever helps. Just make sure you’re calm and not overwhelmed when making a decision.
2. Decide what you’d like to do about it: do you want to discuss it with him, or just leave the relationship?
Another thing I’ve noticed about myself and others that happened to be in a similar situation is that we see ourselves as the “needy”, or we see this “neediness” for assurance as a problem.
It is absurd, and you shouldn’t be seeing your needs as a problem for even one second. You must understand this before you discuss or leave, whatever choice you made.
It is your own decision, and you can do whatever feels reasonable to you, but I’d suggest you have a little discussion about this with him.
Feel free to let him know that he’s crossed a line, whatever his reason may have been for having a dating profile, feel free to let him know that he violated one of the fundamental values of a relationship (even if that stands for your standards only).
If you don’t feel like having a discussion, and decide to leave the relationship, I’d suggest you tell him the reason, and the fact that you don’t want any explanation, or any discussion regarding the situation. It is more of a respectful way to let him know of your reasons, for the sake of the connection, the goods and the bads you shared together.
Confronting him: Deciding to talk about it
First things first, I want you to take a moment and appreciate yourself, and your values for whatever decision you made.
You reading this, I believe, means you’re thinking of talking about it with him, I’m glad.
If you’re looking for an honest answer, if you’re looking forward to avoiding a messy conflict/debate that might not end well, you don’t want to sound accusing nor attacking. It might sound absurd to you at this very moment, and you might be wondering why.
I do understand that you want to take it out of your chest, that heavy, heavy weight made of anger, sadness, disappointment, on and on. But I want you to understand that if you express yourself too harshly, he will feel the need to get defensive and you might end up getting a dishonest answer/explanation.
Hence you can try and have a calmer approach to the conversation.
“A friend of mine told me you’re on Tinder, and I find it confusing. I’d like to talk about it with you. I’m not accusing you, nor attacking, I am just a bit confused by your behavior and I’d like you to help me clear things up a little.”
He will feel freer to express himself. He might even start feeling a heavy weight that’s different from yours: made of guilt, self-blame, and embarrassment.
Before I advise you on what his reaction tells about him and his intentions, you should consider another thing:
3. Be honest on how you found out
Perhaps you had a profile for yourself and were swiping to find a match, or a friend told you, or you’ve been doubting for a long time so now you’ve finally decided to have your profile opened in order to find him, or whatever way you found out – be straightforward and honest about it.
Do let him know of how you found out, it has a lot of potential to lead to a healthy and genuine conversation about the ‘rights’ and the ‘wrongs’ in the relationship. However the things turn out, you’ll know that you were honest, you were fair, you can sleep at night without a feeling of guilt.
4. Make a decision based on the way he reacts about it
However you told him, whatever you told him here are my suggestions (based on what I’ve learnt, seen and heard) on each possible situation:
If he makes you feel guilty for bringing it up
Whether he does it in a passive way, or he straight up puts the ‘blame’ on you. I have one suggestion for this particular case: kindly leave the relationship.
He hits you up with the “I was bored because I wasn’t getting any attention from you.”, or “You didn’t even see me lately!”, or “I don’t even know why you’re bringing this up. I’ve felt so lonely and unappreciated.”
Don’t buy any of it! If he’s making you feel guilty for him violating one of the basic terms of a relationship, you shouldn’t be buying it. Instead, I’d say you let him know you don’t want to continue doing this any further, and leave.
If he denies it
You have solid proof, you told him verbally only, and he’s denying it…
Show him the picture/s and tell him you don’t need any explanation. Though, do let him know it’s over, and you’re leaving.
Please know that if he isn’t capable of being honest at this very moment, then he’s going to be lying to you later on.
1. He denies it when you say I know you’re on dating apps.
2. You show him ‘proof’.
3. He admits, and finds a lame excuse about it.
If he does the above, I want you to know that it is not a sign of healthy behavior, and I wouldn’t suggest you to be part of a relationship with such a person. For your own good, I’d suggest you leave the relationship.
If he accepts what he’s done and apologizes
Perhaps without you showing ‘proof’, or asking him for an explanation, he accepts and apologizes – then it is up to you to decide and analyze his behavior.
It depends on his excuse or explanation, but usually these guys have a strong reason, and have potential to not repeat it again.
However, I’d like you to be vigilant and see the details of his behavior. If it’d make you feel better, and more assured, you can ask him to delete the account/s in your presence. If he’d refuse, then it’s another talk – you know the deal already.
If he logs in and deletes the account/s in front of you
If he does this, it is a good sign he regrets it, and there wasn’t anything serious going on on the app/s. However the decision is yours, and yours only.
Do whatever makes you feel at ease, and whatever makes you feel that you’ve done the right thing about the situation. You can give him another chance if you think it’d be the right thing.
Keep in mind though: If you feel like you wouldn’t be able to move on, and you’d constantly be in doubt about where and what he’s doing, then it wouldn’t be healthy to stay in the relationship.
5. If you’re looking for the truth, have a calmer approach to the conversation
Let’s say you made your decision, and whatever it is, you just want the truth. I want you to keep in mind that if you want the truth you’re not going to get it if you’re attacking/accusing towards your partner.
They’ll try to find ways of defending themselves, and will not be focused on giving you any explanation on the truth. It’ll be the opposite, they’ll try to not feel guilty, or embarrassed, so they’ll try to find ways to put the ‘blame’ on you, they’ll try to find excuses for anything but the truth.
Having a calmer approach doesn’t mean suppressing what they made you feel. It means, processing whatever they made you feel, and finally deciding to talk about it.
Why is he active on dating apps/sites? – The 4 possible reasons why your partner is on dating apps
I’d like you to get prepared before you hear it from him. Or maybe you decided to skip the discussion and just leave the relationship. Whatever you choose to do is understandable.
Here are the reasons why your partner (husband or boyfriend) is on dating sites:
1. You didn’t have the “exclusive” talk yet
I don’t know if you know but, nowadays, having the “exclusive” talk is a thing. Of which I’m not against, on the contrary, I see it as a positive sign that indicates a healthy relationship in the future.
If in any way you haven’t made it clear to each other that you’re exclusive for one another, then he (and you) can be free to fly around until one or both of you decide that you wouldn’t want to see other people.
Usually people that meet on dating apps/sites are good to have such a talk in order to know where they stand in the relationship, or where they’d want the things to head to.
Though, there are signs he’s not interested through text, that sometimes we ignore and find excuses for, hence we end up being in a “one sided” romantic relationship.
If this is the case for you, then this might be the time to let him know that you wouldn’t like to see other people, and have a conversation on where both of you see yourself standing with this relationship.
2. To see what’s out there
This is one of the common reasons people have dating app profiles when in a relationship. Perhaps it’s been a while into the relationship and he’s curious to know what’s out there.
People with such a reason to have a dating profile on an app/site don’t have anything serious with the people involved, they don’t go out with the people they text with, since they’re only curious to know what ‘could be waiting for them if they were single at this time’.
3. He’s looking for someone else/other options
He’s got someone(you), but he wants more. I’m sorry to say it so harshly, but it is one of the common reasons.
Dating apps are designed for people to meet and hook up, have one night stands, form relationships, ‘find soulmates’, etc. It’s why they’re called dating apps.
From whatever angle you decide to see the situation from, it is disrespectful of him to not tell you that he’s interested in other people, or that he’s not interested in a relationship with you anymore.
I don’t care that he couldn’t find ways to let you know, I don’t care that he ‘didn’t want to hurt you’, he did hurt you because of his dishonesty, and lack of respect towards you and the relationship you have together.
4. He’s satisfying his need for external validation – “How successful would I be?”
The dating apps ‘trick’ people to get back to them through those dopamine hits when matching with someone. It’s like getting a notification that says “Hey! Someone noticed you, you’re important. Someone likes you, you’re important.” The notifications give these exact messages to our brains but they do it indirectly.
In other words we get the “I’m important, I’m liked, I’m gorgeous”, and somehow we end up wanting more of that, almost every time.
I don’t want you to blame yourself for the fact that he wants those indirect messages to boost his ego. It’s about a thing he’s dealing with himself, and it doesn’t have to do much with you.
You can, however, talk about this with him. See where and how you can improve on making one another feel better about yourselves. Just helping each other out.
If you decide to move on together: Think about how the things will be like after this situation
Let’s say you’ve considered and talked about everything, and finally decided to move on together…
I’d like you to think about the things that this situation would affect. What would it change?
I made a list of questions I’d like you to ask and answer yourself before you decide that leaving it in the past is the right thing to do for your relationship. Here:
1. Is everything going to be the same? If not, is it going to be different for the better or worse?
2. Am I going to trust him the same as I did before?
3. What things are going to be different?
4. Can I handle the ‘new changes’?
I know you know what decision to make based on the answers you give yourself. I just know.
If/When you feel ready to let go: taking the big step
It is absolutely understandable and acceptable that you made the decision to let go (i.e leave the relationship). I’d like you to tell yourself this if/when you decide to leave.
It is understandable and acceptable because what he did is hurtful, because he did something that is about it being secretive. Made you feel the lack of trust, and the feeling that you’ve been betrayed.
We seek for relationships in order to have another arm, chest, shoulder to face difficulties together, to make things better, for them to be easier, and lighter, instead of the arm, chest, shoulder doubling the worries, troubles, problems.
I don’t care how selfish that sounds, we are all seeking for that: home. Of course it has its own complications and difficulties, but if it isn’t built upon trust, and honesty, then the home would be missing two of its strongest backbones. It would eventually start tumbling down.
You have every right to make such a decision. You have your standards, your needs, and if they’re not met for whatever reason, you know you can leave with no hesitation.
You’re strong, you’re worthy, and you should be valued as you value yourself. Don’t let anyone question that.
Things to keep in mind
We’ve gone through all the things it’d be nice to consider when in such a situation. Out of those things I’ve discussed above in the articles, there are things I’d love for you to keep in mind however the things go:
Stay away from unhealthy ways of getting rid of your doubts about him & trusting him
I believe you already understand which of those unhealthy ways are. However, I’ll remind you of them once more: violating his privacy, opening fake accounts, accusing him without knowing for sure that what you’re saying actually stands.
If you feel like leaving is the healthy choice for you, leave.
Don’t stay with him (or anyone) just to avoid feeling lonely/alone. It is understandable, okay, and acceptable feeling the urge to leave if they made you feel that heaviness on your chest.
If you know you won’t be able to move on past this situation and keep the relationship going without trust issues, then leaving or therapy could solve the ‘problem’.
For the sake of self-respect and self-love, do whatever you think is the healthy way of working the situation out.
I am sincerely wishing you strength, and the best!
FAQ He’s On Dating Apps What Should I Do
Why would he use dating apps/sites if he wasn’t interested in seeing anyone from there?
I mentioned a few of the reasons above in the article which are:
- Looking for external validation. Which is usually a sign of low self esteem.
- He’s curious to know what’s going on in the singles’ world.
- He’s looking for fulfillment of something he even doesn’t know of what could be.
If his intention wasn’t to date someone else, why didn’t he tell me that he’s using a dating app/site?
I’m not saying that it justifies him any more or less, but it is mostly the fear of how you’d react to it, the fear of you knowing of his insecurities, or the trying to avoid any possible discussion on the topic.
So, he chooses the easy way out of it: not to tell you at all “because he isn’t doing anything wrong”
It’s not right either though.
Is going on dating apps cheating?
Cheating is a form of secrecy from the other, a form of breaking the trust, and leaving the other feeling betrayed.
The fact that you’d feel betrayed, and that your trust is broken, the fact that they made you question your trust towards them, makes it a form of cheating, because you were not aware of it happening.
How to stop my boyfriend from using dating apps
Have a genuine conversation about this. I don’t care if it is a long conversation, a messy one, one where both of you cry, talk about it.
It is usually something personal that has to do with him and not with something that you’re doing. Hence, there are no tips and tricks that magically stop him from using dating apps. Have a conversation about it, and if he keeps doing it, then it is definitely something that he needs to work on himself.
I thought my boyfriend was straight, until I found him on Grindr. What does that mean, and what should I do?
Communication is key to solving most of the problems in a relationship. So is this case. All it takes is one question asked gently with no nuances of attacking or accusing: “I found out you are on Grindr, and I find it a little confusing. I would like to talk about this with you”.
You’ll get the answer of “what does it mean” from him, after you ask him the question above.
Is there anything wrong if he’s using the app, but not seeing the people from the app?
Whichever angle you see it from, the answer will be yes, yes there is something wrong even if he’s using the app but not seeing the people from the app.
He’s looking for some sort of fulfillment, and he didn’t let you know about it. In this case the number one thing being wrong is communication. He’s not communicating to you his feelings, or insecurities.
Or maybe he’s looking for validation, which again is not a very healthy way of getting it when you’re in a relationship with someone.
I was swiping on Tinder and I saw my best friend’s boyfriend. I took a screenshot of his profile, but now I don’t know how to show it to my best friend and let her know about it. What’s your advice?
It is one of those difficult situations to be in. You’d do him/her a big favor if you’d tell them. If they didn’t decide to have an open relationship, his/her heart might get broken, but it would prevent him/her from a bigger heartbreak in the future.
Find a place where you can be only the two of you, like inviting them to your place. Find the moment, and start calmly explaining about how you found out.