Texting with a narcissist is a challenge on its own because they are so good at manipulation and toxicity that you won’t notice, especially in the beginning.
First of all, how do we define narcissism? Narcissism is a personality disorder characterized by having an excessive preoccupation with oneself, a lack of empathy, and an intense need for admiration.
When texting with a narcissist we should pay attention to what he says, how he formulates the words, how you two get on with dates etc.
All these signs speak of the narcissist red flags we should all watch out for when we think we are texting with one.
1. They excessively text you
Narcissists usually need to bombard you with a lot of texts. They will text you 10 to 20 times a day; Saying flattery words like; Good morning princess, or other sugary affirmations.
They usually do this to manipulate you into feeling a certain way. Reminding you how special you are and trapping you in an emotional hook so you won’t notice anything else but him.
2. If you don’t respond immediately they get angry
Spotting a narcissist through text is sometimes easier bc they often let their guard down and they’re acting for a moment. The easiest way is to look out if they get angry at you for not responding immediately.
If they get grumpy and all obsessive, not understanding you if you have been busy or anything they probably are a narcissist. These types of men will usually be all good if they do the same to you because they are oblivious to their selfish acts.
3. They show a lack of empathy: Disregarding your emotional state
Narcissists can’t seem to differentiate themselves from other people. Therefore, they know no boundaries. When you text with them, for example, if you’re feeling down, instead of consoling you, they’ll start ranting about how they’re not feeling well and distance themselves further.
They completely ignore your emotional needs, they are unaware of their shortcomings and they keep disregarding your emotional state because for them it’s just them and no one else.
4. They are in LOVE with themselves
In Greek mythology, there is a story about the “Narcissus” who saw his image reflected in a pool of water and fell in LOVE with himself. He was so absorbed in his self-image that not even the Echo nymph could lure him with her beauty. One of the red flags we should always pay attention to is when self-praised and speaking highly without ever noticing their flaws is a sign you are dealing with a narcissist.
5. They often give you the silent treatment
From bombarding you with excessive texts to punishing you with silence! This is a typical red flag narcissists do when they want to control you by making you feel bad for something you said or did. They go on “silent mode” and don’t talk to you for days. When you reach out, concerned about their state, they will only be fed by your apology feeling like a real victim.
Note: When you notice such behavior, try to not write to them pleading for them to forgive you. Instead, have a firm voice and point out the issues from a powerful place.
6. It is a wolf in sheep’s clothing
One day, a female friend of mine came to me with a very specific problem about a guy she was texting and seeing. She suspected her date might be a “narc.” I asked her what made her think that, and she told me that while texting, he bragged about being a very successful businessman and super wealthy. She wasn’t interested in that because, for her, liking someone comes from other places. But she thought, “Okay, maybe he’s just proud of his achievements.”
Fast forward to the date: He insists on going to a very expensive restaurant, saying it’s going to be his treat. He orders the most expensive stuff on the menu and ends up drinking twice as much as her. When the bill came, he bailed on paying, claiming he didn’t order that much and didn’t expect it to be so expensive. My friend is flabbergasted by his gaslighting and wondering whether to keep talking to him or not.
These types of subtle signs tell us how a narcissist can lie about their personal life, and later use that lie to gaslight you further in the relationship. Be aware of the signs, and make sure you don’t fall for them.
7. The “Victim complex”
According to Psychology—victimhood, describes someone who, no matter what their perception of the objective reality and the origin of their feelings is, regards themselves as a victim and therefore identifies as one. In one research study, it was found that; “People with high levels of antagonistic narcissism are more likely to see themselves as victims” Their strong sense of entitlement and desire for revenge can make them feel frustrated and victimized when they don’t get what they think they deserve.”
These types of men would usually use these dialectic tactics;
- Blame other people for their problems
- Believes everyone is plotting against them.
- They, constantly talk bad about their exes and how they destroyed their life
- Talk bad about their co-workers and everyone else in their circle
8. You always feel like you have done something wrong
Any narcissist out there would deny any type of self-accountability. They make you feel like the worst person ever. One day you will end up reading his texts saying:
- It’s your fault
- You always mess things up
- No one else would put up with you except me
- You are a failure and a disgrace
- Everything bad that happened to me so far is because of you
- It’s not my fault, it’s yours for being too sensitive
- You started this, now deal with it
- Stop crying on the phone; it’s so annoying.
Short, harsh, heartless text messages like these always implicate their complex behavior toward you. Remember these kinds of texts might look like the bottom line, however, for narcs this is just the beginning the worst is yet to come.
I suggest you should asses the situation immediately of the stage of the relationship with him has arrived here. And cut it off before it gets too late, and realise you are dating the wrong person.
9. They “thirst” for your attention
They seek your attention and it’s not in a good way. They expect to put a stop to the world for them. For example – You are out with friends, and he constantly writes to you demeaning to know what are you doing and how are spending the night. If you don’t reply because duh… you are out with your friends they go ballistic accusing you of not paying enough attention to them.
They thirst for your attention and want to get it under any circumstances, if they don’t they will make you feel bad about it and ruin your girls’ night out.
Note: I think at this point it’s time to stop, give him a warning first and then the ultimatum, there is no other way to go!
10. Your gut tells you
This is the main thing in whole this section. Your gut and intuitive speak to you that something isn’t right, that is also the reason why you are here reading this article in the first place.
You know there are some signs but you are not sure, you just need someone to validate them. Narcissists are professionals when it comes to manipulation and gaslighting, they will make you believe it is all in your head and, you are just being nonsensical.
“If you text them saying, ‘I want to leave, this relationship isn’t going anywhere,’ they will often threaten you with something like, ‘If you leave, I will destroy your life.'”
So listen to your gut and trust yourself, that deep voice inside of you that feeling telling you to raise against the manipulator is the right voice and you should follow it now!
How to handle narcissistic men: A handy guideline to empowering yourself!
Summary Capsule: Let’s revisit all the narcissistic stages they follow and map them into sections:
- First, they idealize you
- Second, devalue you
- Fourth, they repeat the cycle to keep you in the loop
- Fifth they discard you when you are not useful to them anymore
The stages for the narcs are very important as they never deviate from their plan. They stick to it until you become their forever prey.
But how can we handle and overpower them?
- Read about NPT – traits
The best way to handle a narcissistic person is by getting to know them on an educational level. Read about them and their traits so you will be prepared if any of the above signs occur. This will help you have more realistic expectations if you get into a relationship with them.
- Set boundaries
Prepare to set any boundaries, this will make you more powerful and he will sense that you will not “eat his BS”. In this way, you will protect yourself from any harmful actions he will throw at you.
Tel him you will not tolerate his X behavior, you can also use sentences like: “I don’t like the way you are speaking to me or “I feel like we should discuss this another time”
In this way, you set your boundaries with him and show him where to not cross the line.
- Don’t become a pleaser, know when to say NO
A big NO means I have the power to choose to not get engaged in x situation with you. I say NO to testing me badly and I will not tolerate any disgracement or manipulation from their side.
- Create a coping mechanism
Don’t take things personally, when they say mean things to you, it’s simply because they feel bad about themselves. It’s in their nature to spot all the bad traits in you. That doesn’t mean they are necessarily true. Be ready to expect any type of backlash when you don’t go according to their way. Create a coping mechanism to deal with their personality and make a plan for an exit if things get more serious.
- Make an EXIT plan- Leave and don’t look back
In many cases, your mental health is affected so it’s better to make an exit and prioritize yourself. Sometimes people with NPT can’t be healed and you should not feel like you are the responsible person to do that. It’s ok to end things even if they don’t end on good terms. Leave and don’t look back, if you do, it means they manipulated you and you are still second-guessing yourself. Seek professional help to better deal with any traumas or difficult emotional states caused by them.
Now that you have all the signs on how to spot a narcissist through texting, you also have the guideline kit on how to handle one. Always remember to listen to your innermost voice when it comes to what is truthful to you. Always believe in yourself, and don’t settle for anything less than you are!
Your Coach
Callisto Adams
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