Have you ever wondered during the No Contact Rule which is the exact moment that your absence and the breakup hit the dumper?
It depends on the person. How he or she will take the breakup and react to it.
A dumper might go from being content with their decision to feeling anxious.
They will feel lonely, be mad, question their decision, not know what they want, and learn to cope with reality.
When does the breakup hit the dumper? Some might realize that they want you back the moment they have zero contact with you for a certain period. Whereas some accept the reality that you might have moved on already.
The best way to deal with this type of situation is to focus on yourself and wait for the right moment to react.
Let’s get a closer look at three main stages before a dumper goes through the stages of the breakup:
Pre-breakup stage: A dumper thinks about ending the relationship sometime before conveying the message to you. It takes some time for your ex to find the courage, the moment, and the reason to say it.
Your ex starts all this because he or she has lost attraction, does not feel anything about you anymore, and wasn’t happy with you at that time.
Due to this, your ex starts to nag and finds even the smallest thing to be mad at you.
When your ex decides to break up with you: It is that point in your relationship when you feel that things aren’t going well.
Every little thing that you do will annoy your partner and then you’ll find yourself in the middle of an argument.
After the break up: This is the moment that both of you go through different things. Both of you feel and express things differently.
In the beginning, you are confused and you reconsider things and your self-worth. If you decide to go No Contact then the tables will turn.
You will nourish yourself whereas your ex will question his or her decision.
What is more painful, being dumped or being the dumper?
Well, this is a controversial topic. These two are two different approaches from one another. The dumper and the dumpee, both go through pain, anxiety, fear of loss, jealousy, hate, and reconsideration through different stages.
That’s why during the No contact the dumper and the dumpee swap the feelings interchangeably.
The dumper goes from being the avoidant to the anxious one:
Usually, in the beginning, a dumper is all filled with the energy of moving on, changing things, and getting out of your life.
That’s why the dumper tries to cut all the ties with you and avoids you not having any type of approach.
Later, through the last stages, the dumper will switch from the avoidant mode to the anxious one.
Whereas, the dumpee goes from being the anxious one to being avoidant:
The dumpee feels all anxious, clingy, needy, desperate, confused, and worthless at the beginning of the breakup.
But as the dumpee starts to use the No Contact Rule, he or she regains the power to have a stable mindset and get out of that breakup.
Then during this process, the dumpee isn’t all anxious anymore. Now, the dumpee is avoidant and that’s the moment when the dumper knows that he/she doesn’t have your attention anymore.
Here are 8 emotional stages that the dumper goes through during the No Contact Rule:
1. Wants to be left alone and feels that did the best decision by breaking up
Both genders are relieved at first and do not want to be begged or pleaded. They want to enjoy the freedom that is given to them.
Yet, the difference between men and women relies on women when they don’t want to be begged to come back but yet deep down in the first weeks, they have this female urge that feels like they have to be still pursued.
What to do at this stage:
Do not be all clingy and needy because that will push your ex away. Try to focus on your needs and create a stable mindset by distracting yourself from your ex.
You can do it by hanging out with your friends or family, picking a new hobby, attending more games or any other social activities, reading more, listening to music, and freeing your spirit.
2. Now your ex is exalted with the “single” life
One of the stages for male and female dumpers is being excited about the single life.
I know it is hard to swallow this piece of information if you are the dumpee but….
After asking to be distant from you, the dumper is all content with the single life and does not think of seeing other people.
Right now, at this stage, you are not part of his life and mind.
What to do in this stage:
Avoid eating chocolates and crying! That’s not accepted here.
You as a dumpee can go on with the process of boosting your self-esteem by focusing on your job.
Keep a journal and write down what are your bad and good traits, how you can fix those flaws, and open your heart to new friends and family members.
It’s not easy to understand your feelings and behavior after the breakup.
Yet, it’s even harder to be subjective when it comes to your ex’s feelings too.
That’s why the help of a relationship coach is needed.
3. Starts to worry and wonder what you’re up to
The part when the dumper starts to worry about why you are so distant and not needy anymore is the moment when the breakup just starts to hit your ex.
It depends on their type and how the dumper reacts to his decisions and on the breakup. But, this stage usually happens during the fourth week or after that.
What to do at this stage:
During this stage, the dumper feels the urge to know what you’re doing and might ask your mutual friends to know about you.
Now your ex feels left out and that’s why this person is reconsidering knowing what you’ve been up to.
Don’t be tempted, just go on with the no contact since you will need still a little bit of time to fix things.
4. Anxiety and loneliness become part of your ex’s life
The relief stage for the dumper lasts up to some weeks, a month, or a couple of months.
It all depends on the breakup and how your ex proceeds with it.
Anxiety and loneliness hit the dumper when they realize that they have lost you.
This is where the impact of grief, feeling alone, and unwanted hits the dumper.
This happens when the dumper remembers what type of loving or strong relationship had with you.
How you made them a good person, maybe their rebound fails, or they feel lonely for a moment.
That avoidant person now feels nostalgic, angry, and misses the bond that has been shared with you.
What to do at this stage:
The dumper might start to like your photos, comment on your posts or even interact with you on social media or through text.
But, right now things are progressing for you differently.
If you feel now at this stage that things are not messed up for you then do not feel pressured to connect yet.
5. Starts to question the decision of breaking up with you
The moment that the dumper questions that this person has made a bad mistake by breaking up with you are when he/she realizes that you can be on your own and maybe move on.
Now, this creates some type of confusion in your ex’s mind but at the same time, you as a dumpee have started to see your ex and the relationship from a different POV.
2 or 3 months after the breakup the dumper starts to feel low and lonely.
Now they’re dealing with loneliness and starting to embrace their feelings.
This is the moment that a dumper starts to realize the consequences of their actions, even for bad or for good.
What to do at this stage:
It depends on the way you ended things.
But at this point, the dumper may look to send direct or indirect messages to you to know if there is still a chance.
Now, you are at the stage where you’re at the end of the recovery process.
It is up to you whether you feel like reconnecting with your ex or not.
6. Has a different type of opinion regarding you
The dumper is super duper curious about you.
The distance that you have kept makes you more mysterious.
The dumper finds you more attractive, and interesting and wants to be around you.
This doesn’t happen in a blink of an eye. It takes time.
This can hit some dumpers after a month but for someone, it takes more time.
That it depends on the bond and relationship you had, and also it depends on the type of person.
What to do at this stage:
If your ex reaches out in this stage and somehow reconnects with you, don’t resist.
The best way to find out if your ex has changed or that now things might be different in your relationship, you might say: I am open to discussing things, but know that things are different now.
7. Fakes acceptance and tries to embrace reality
After encountering your resistance and silence, after a month or more the dumpee will somehow lie and convince themselves.
The dumpee feels that you’re forever gone and that they don’t have a chance with you.
What to do at this stage:
If you’re already almost over this breakup, offer yourself the chance to meet new people if you’re ready.
If not then continue to focus on yourself more and not repeat the same mistakes twice.
8. Faces the reality and then decides to reach you or move on
If the relationship was serious and this pause helped both the dumper and you nourish yourselves then the dumpee will come back to you.
But, if the dumper hasn’t changed or created a new mindset, then this person might get back to you for their own needs.
These needs include occasional sex, boosting his ego, or fulfilling his void.
According to how you broke up, the dumper after 6 months might decide to either move on or reconcile.
This all depends on the reason you broke up and how they have been processing the breakup.
If you have broken up on good terms then there is a chance that they might consider getting back.
If your relationship was toxic then the dumper has spent these 6 months healing and moving on.
What to do at this stage:
Don’t reconcile just because you think that’s the best thing to do at that moment.
If your ex is only giving you false hopes you’ll notice that the moment you start talking to them again.
What’s the dumper’s remorse? Does the dumper always regret their decision?
A dumper’s remorse is a dumper pondering their decisions.
Now, they are the ones who are reflecting on the breakup and are experiencing the void.
Regretting their decisions doesn’t rely on male or female psychology.
It relies on the reason that the breakup happened and on the type of person.
Post-breakup loneliness and anxiety, also their mixed-up feelings will indicate their remorse.
Here is what a dumper does when they regret their decision:
- Searches for ways to connect with you: Texts you first or calls you;
- Interacts with you on social media;
- Constantly ask about you (your mutual friends or family)
- Your ex apologizes for the way they made you feel;
- Tries to show you that the way they acted was immature and not based on a good reason;
- Your ex shows how much appreciate you;
- Asks to hang out;
- Asks if there is something he/she can do for you;
- Reminisces on good memories;
- Starts to compliment you and slightly flirt;
How does the dumper feel when the dumpee moves on during the No Contact?
A dumper’s reaction depends on two things: their personality and the feelings they had about you.
If he didn’t have very strong feelings for you and the relationship wasn’t working: The dumper will feel relieved and happy about you.
If the dumper was a toxic or controlling partner (no matter if had strong or weak feelings for you) then this person will feel mad and sad at the same time.
That is because their low self-esteem will make them all jealous and greedy for no reason.
If the dumper was an introvert and had a hard time communicating his or her feelings then this person will have mixed feelings.
The dumper will feel sad, regret his decision and be mad at you.
If the dumper was emotionally strong and noticed that there was no future for both of you then this person will be happy for your new future.
What to do if the dumper wants to be friends with you or rekindle the relationship?
If a dumper wants to be friends with you then check if you want the same thing and which is the reason that your ex wants to stay like that.
Some exes want to stay friends because they need your presence as a friend and don’t see a chance to work with the relationship.
Others want to be friends with you to use the chance of having a friend with benefits or keep you as a plan b if they don’t find someone better.
- If you think that you have still feelings for your ex more than just a friend then do not be a part of this deal. It will hurt you more and prevent you from moving on.
- If the dumper confirmed that they looked at you just as a friend and want to continue like that and you feel the same, do it.
- If the dumper asks to get back to you, check if your ex has rebuilt trust.
- Look if you two are willing to get back together, if it is partial then getting back together won’t work.
- If you two now are all cleared up and see new ways that your relationship will work then give it a try.
FAQ: Will the dumper regret the decision of breaking up with me?
1. How long does it take for the dumper to get over the breakup?
It depends on the length of the relationship and what type of bond you had.
But, usually the moment the dumper regrets his or her decision is when they realize that they aren’t part of your life anymore.
2. How do dumpers feel when they bump into their exes weeks after the breakup?
Each dumper acts differently from one another. Because the grief cycle can hit different males and females.
One might feel hurt, happy to see you again, or they are not able to contain themselves from being near you,
3. Who moves on faster? The dumper or the dumpee?
If the dumper is the one who initiated the breakup that doesn’t mean a dumper will move on faster than a dumpee.
It all depends on the reason the breakup happened and what type of attachment one has to the breakup.
Also, women tend to move on slowly but when they give up then they move on completely.
Whereas, a guy deals with the breakup when he is the dumper like he is the happiest of all.
To be more specific, guys tend to suppress their feelings, no matter how they’re feeling.
To conclude it all: How do guys and girls deal with the breakup when they are the dumper?
The reaction is the same for men and women when they deal with a breakup.
The difference relies on the person and how one chooses to cope with the breakup and take the consequences.
Remember, in the end, we’re all humans. Feelings, mistakes, and emotions will haunt everyone the same!
Be you and don’t be afraid to open your heart again!
Best,
Callisto
We have been broken up
With my girlfriend 2 years 6 months ago but she is always looking at my statuses
She actually asked for 3 more months to start going out and see if the relationship can still wotk but those 3 months we never communicated or went out
Now i asked her if we both still have a chance to reconcile or not shes not touching on that but talks about her health not being so well
Please assist
Thank you
Duncan, how long were you together?
my bf just broke up with me after 4 years of relationship. he said he wants a better life and enjoy life as a single. he wants me to stay around but no relationships. he wants to make love with me and different women. am feeling all this pain. i invest so much of my energy and time and money just to make him a better person. he cheated reapeatedly, and i gave him so many chances. and all of the sudden he wants as to have a kid and be family , this decision was a big no for me coz of my trust issue and that we dont even have a savings to start a family. and he cant stop flirting with other women on social media. i just dont know what to do anymore. he left me hanging. pls help
Ana how old are you?
He will continue to use you if you allow him to have access to you. He can go to other women and always know you will b there as his back. You should go no contact until he realises your value.
That sucks, you deserve better than this guy and this is from a guy.. he is being extremely selfish and is not ready for a serious relationship. Trust is critical for any meaningful connection, and loving someone means being honest with them and not deliberately, knowingly and repeatedly hurting them which he has proven he cannot or will not do. Leave him and hopefully he grows up and you meet someone worthy of your love
My boyfriend brokes up with me because he wants to focus on his life and he also wanted me to focus on my life as well. I am really devastated and I beg him not to but he did not reply to my message until now 💔☹️. Its been 1 week since I did not hear from him. What should I do.
I broke up with my girlfriend a month ago on good terms. We used to be friends for 7 years but only dated for 8 months. She broke up with me because she’s not in love with me anymore. This confuses me so much because I don’t know thing was just a rebound for her after her relationship with her ex. How do people just fall out of love? Did I do something wrong or didn’t I do something for her? I stopped looking for reasons but I kept asking myself those questions. 7 years of friendship traded for an 8 months relationship. I guess once you break the rule the rule will break you back worse.
1. You were friend zoned for years and feeling attraction for a friend is difficult..
2. You didn’t create attraction or the onion effect to show the other layers of yourself and your purpose, so she could keep you out of friend zone
3. Creating and maintaining attraction matters, you need to create a frame where you are inviting her into your world and she is willing to follow, not chasing her into hers…
4. Don’t be needy and never chase from a place of neediness, be a man and own who you are… she will notice, and then you can invite her into your world as long as it’s not boring!
Hi! I came across with your article. Because I wanted to know the process of moving on from his ends. I have been devastated and cried non-stop for the entire week. It’s been almost 2 weeks since he abruptly broke up with me. I though things were getting better and we are managing our fights. I have been understanding to him. He broke up with me and told me he lost trust in the relationship and lost love or his love fades away. I begged him to start over. I didn’t cheat. I don’t know about him because he took 6 days holiday without me and turn off his phone. But for some reason, myself doesn’t picture him cheating on me. Normally I get paranoid but with him I feel like he won’t. But the break up was abrupt. He broke up with me few days after his holiday.