Have you ever wondered during the No Contact Rule which is the exact moment that your absence and the breakup hit the dumper?
It depends on the person. How he or she will take the breakup and react to it.
A dumper might go from being content with their decision to feeling anxious and lonely, being mad, questioning their decision, not knowing what they want, and learning to cope with reality.
When does the breakup hit the dumper? Some might realize that they want you back the moment they have zero contact with you for a certain period. Whereas some accept the reality that you might have moved on already.
The best way to deal with this type of situation is to focus on yourself and wait for the right moment to react.
Let’s get a closer look at three main stages before a dumper goes through the stages of the breakup:
Pre-breakup stage: A dumper thinks about ending the relationship sometime before conveying the message to you. It takes some time for your ex to find the courage, the moment, and the reason to say it.
Your ex starts all this the reason that he or she has lost attraction, does not feel anything about you anymore, or wasn’t happy with you at that time.
Due to this, your ex starts to nag and finds even the smallest thing to be mad at you.
When your ex decides to break up with you: It is that point in your relationship when you feel that things aren’t going well.
Every little thing that you do will annoy your partner and then you’ll find yourself in the middle of an argument.
After the break up: This is the moment that both of you go through different things. Both of you feel and express things differently.
In the beginning, you are confused and you reconsider things and your self-worth. If you decide to go No Contact then the tables will turn. You will redeem yourself whereas your ex will question his or her decision.
What is more painful, being dumped or being the dumper?
Well, this is a controversial topic. These two are two different approaches from one another. The dumper and the dumpee, both go through pain, anxiety, fear of loss, jealousy, hate, and reconsideration through different stages.
That’s why during the No contact the dumper and the dumpee swap the feelings interchangeably.
The dumper goes from being the avoidant to the anxious one:
Usually, in the beginning, a dumper is all filled with the energy of moving on, changing things, and getting you out of their life.
That’s why the dumper tries to cut all the ties with you and avoids you not having any type of approach.
Later, through the last stages, the dumper will switch from the avoidant mode to the anxious one.
Whereas, the dumpee goes from being the anxious one to being avoidant:
The dumpee feels all anxious, clingy, needy, desperate, confused, and worthless at the beginning of the breakup.
But as the dumpee starts to use the No Contact Rule, he or she regains the power to have a stable mindset and get out of that breakup.
Then during this process, the dumpee isn’t being all anxious anymore. Now, the dumpee is avoidant and that’s the moment when the dumper knows that he/she doesn’t have your attention anymore.
Here are 8 emotional stages that the dumper goes through during the No Contact Rule:
1. Wants to be left alone and feels that did the best decision by breaking up
Both genders are relieved at first and do not want to be begged or pleaded. They want to enjoy the freedom that is given to them.
Yet, the difference between men and women relies on women when they don’t want to be begged to come back but yet deep down in the first weeks they have this female urge that feels like they have to be still pursued.
What to do at this stage: Do not be all clingy and needy because that will push your ex away. Try to focus on your needs and create a stable mindset by distracting yourself from your ex.
You can do it by hanging out with your friends or family, picking a new hobby, attending more games or any other social activities, reading more, listening to music, and freeing your spirit.
2. Now your ex is exalted with the “single” life
I know it is hard to swallow this piece of information if you are the dumpee but….
After asking to be distant from you, the dumper is all content with the single life and does not think of seeing other people. Right now, at this stage, you are not part of his life and mind.
What to do in this stage: Avoid eating chocolates and crying! That’s not accepted here.
You as a dumpee can go on with the process of boosting your self-esteem by focusing on your job. Keep a journal and write down what are your bad and good traits, how you can fix those flaws, and open your heart to new friends and family members.
3. Starts to worry and wonders what you’re up to
The part when the dumper starts to worry about why you are so distant and not needy anymore is the moment when the breakup just starts to hit your ex.
It depends on the type of the person and how the dumper reacts to his decisions and breakup. But, this stage usually happens during the fourth week or after that.
What to do at this stage:
During this stage, the dumper feels the urge to know what you’re doing and might ask your mutual friends to know about you.
Now your ex feels left out and that’s why this person is reconsidering to know what you’ve been up to.
Don’t be tempted, just go on with the no contact since you will need still a little bit of time to fix things.
4. Anxiety and loneliness become part of your ex’s life
This is where the impact of grief, feeling alone, and unwanted hits the dumper.
This happens when the dumper remembers what type of loving or strong relationship had with you, how you made them a good person, maybe their rebound fails, or they feel lonely for a moment.
That avoidant person now feels nostalgic, angry, and misses the bond that has shared with you.
What to do at this stage: The dumper might start to like your photos, comment on your posts or even interact with you on social media or through text.
But, right now things are progressing for you differently. If you feel now at this stage that things are not messed up for you then do not feel pressured to connect yet.
5. Starts to question the decision of breaking up with you
The moment that the dumper questions that this person has made a bad mistake by breaking up with you are when he/she realizes that you can be on your own and maybe move on.
Now, this creates some type of confusion in your ex’s mind but at the same time, you as a dumpee have started to see your ex and the relationship from a different POV.
What to do at this stage: It depends on the way you ended things but at this point, the dumper may look to send direct or indirect messages to you to know if there is still a chance. Now, you are at the stage where you’re at the end of the recovery process.
It is up to you whether you feel like reconnecting with your ex or not.
6. Has a different type of opinion regarding you
The dumper is super duper curious about you.
Now that you have been all distant with the dumper and didn’t boost their ego by chasing them, this person will think differently about you. The dumper finds you more attractive, and interesting and wants to be around you.
This doesn’t happen in a blink of an eye. It takes time. This can hit some dumpers after a month but for someone, it takes more time. That it depends on the bond and relationship you had, also it depends on the type of person.
What to do at this stage: If your ex reaches you out in this stage and somehow reconnects with you, don’t resist. The best way to find out if your ex has changed or that now things might be different in your relationship, you might say: I am open to discussing things, but know that things are different now.
7. Fakes acceptance: Tries to convince themselves that they have already moved on
After encountering your resistance and silence, after a month or more the dumpee will somehow lie to himself/herself that this is it and now this person has to move on.
The dumpee feels that you’re forever gone and that they don’t have a chance with you.
What to do at this stage:
If you’re already almost over this breakup, offer yourself the chance to meet new people if you’re ready. If not then continue to focus on yourself more and not repeat the same mistakes twice.
8. Faces the reality and decide to reach you or move on
If the relationship was serious and this pause helped both the dumper and you nourish yourselves then the dumpee will come back to you to start things over or be friends.
But, if the dumper hasn’t changed or created a new mindset, then this person might get back to you for occasional sex, to boost his ego, fulfill his void, or just decides to not come back at all.
What to do at this stage:
Don’t reconcile just because you think that’s the best thing to do at that moment. If your ex is only giving you false hopes you’ll notice that the moment you start talking to them again.
What’s the dumper’s remorse? Does the dumper always regret their decision?
A dumper’s remorse is a dumper that has concluded that it was a mistake for breaking up with you. Now, when the dumper experiences remorse, they will want to get back to you.
It doesn’t mean that always the dumper regrets their decision and you cannot make it happen by forcing it.
Regretting their decisions doesn’t rely on male or female psychology. It relies on the reason that the breakup happened and on the type of person.
What makes the dumper regret his or her decision is realizing that he/she hasn’t appreciated enough your commitment and effort.
Here is what a dumper does when they regret their decision:
1. Searches for ways to connect with you: Texts you first or calls you;
2. Interacts with you on social media;
3. Constantly ask about you (your mutual friends or family)
4. Your ex apologizes for the way they made you feel;
5. Tries to show you that the way they acted was immature and not based on a good reason;
6. Your ex shows how much appreciate you;
7. Asks to hang out;
8. Asks if there is something he/she can do for you;
9. Reminisces on good memories;
10. Starts to compliment you and slightly flirt;
How does the dumper feel when the dumpee moves on during the No Contact?
A dumper’s reaction depends on two things: their personality and the feelings they had about you.
If he didn’t have very strong feelings for you and the relationship wasn’t working: The dumper will feel relieved and happy about you.
If the dumper was a toxic or controlling partner (no matter if had strong or weak feelings for you) then this person will feel mad and sad at the same time. That is because their low self-esteem will make them all jealous and greedy for no reason.
If the dumper was an introvert and had a hard time communicating his or her feelings then this person will have mixed feelings: the dumper will feel sad, regret his decision and be mad at you and themselves.
If the dumper was emotionally strong and noticed that there was no future for both of you then this person will be happy for your new future.
What to do if the dumper wants to be friends with you or rekindle the relationship?
If a dumper wants to be friends with you then check if you want the same thing and which is the reason that your ex wants to stay like that.
Some exes want to stay friends because they need your presence as a friend and don’t see a chance to work with the relationship.
Others want to be friends with you to use the chance of having a friend with benefit or keep you as a plan b if they don’t find someone better.
1. If you think that you have still feelings for your ex more than just a friend then do not be a part of this deal. It will hurt you more and prevent you from moving on.
2. If the dumper confirmed that they looked at you just as a friend and want to continue like that and you feel the same, do it. Don’t lose it if it could work as a good friendship.
3. If the dumper asks to get back to you, check if your ex has rebuilt trust.
4. Look if you two are willing to get back together, if it is partial then getting back together won’t work.
5. If you two now are all cleared up and see new ways that your relationship will work then give it a try.
FAQ: Will the dumper regret the decision of breaking up with me?
1. How long does it take for the dumper to get over the breakup?
It depends on the length of the relationship and what type of bond you had.
But, usually the moment the dumper regrets his or her decision is when he or realizes that or she isn’t part of your life anymore. In most cases, between one month and six during No Contact.
2. How do dumpers feel when they bump into their exes weeks after the breakup?
Each dumper acts differently from one another. Because the grief cycle can hit different males and females.
One might feel hurt, happy to see you again, being not able to contain themselves from being near you, mad at you, jealous of you, “I am hurt but glad I broke up with you”. Your ex thinks that now they have moved on and they are turning the new page!
3. Who moves on faster? The dumper or the dumpee?
If the dumper is the one who initiated the breakup that doesn’t mean a dumper will move on faster than a dumpee.
It all depends on the reason the breakup happened and what type of attachment one has to the breakup. One might see it as a way to have a better partner in the future, one might see it as he or she might never find someone like them.
While one’s mood changes from day to day and others try to avoid the pain.
To conclude it all: How do guys and girls deal with the breakup when they are the dumper?
The reaction is the same for men and women when they deal with a breakup.
The difference relies on the person and how one chooses to cope with the breakup and take the consequences.
Remember, in the end, we’re all humans. Feelings, mistakes, and emotions will haunt everyone the same!
Be you and don’t be afraid to open your heart again!