Affairs are unpredictable—you don’t see them coming, and you don’t know what life has in store for you two.
You’re not the first person to start developing feelings for your affair partner as it is quite normal for two people who spend a lot of time together.
But, let’s not forget: affairs are different from regular relationships, so the same things don’t apply in this aspect.
– Love or Infatuation — Which one are you feeling?
Affairs are risky and exciting, this is a fact true for many people.
Your heart is racing out of sheer excitement, not being able to wait until the next time your and your affair partner’s lips meet.
It is easy for people to confuse infatuation with love given the context, but knowing whether you’re in love or simply excited will help you determine your next step.
23% and 19% of women reported cheating during their current relationship
– Infatuation is a short-term yearning for your affair partner where you’re constantly idealizing them. It’s similar to a crush that makes your heart race, but all in all, it’s superficial.
– Love is feeling security and safety in someone’s arms. You have gone through thick and thin together, yet still want to be with one another. No heart racing, no feelings of insecurity—love makes you feel peaceful.
The person you love is the person who makes you feel best; they’re the one whom you go to when you have good or bad news.
Think of love as being best friends with someone whose ups and downs you’ve seen, but have never judged, and think of infatuation as a shaky bundle of joy oozing with anxiety, excitement, and lust that makes you restless.
Did you find yourself? It’s okay if you didn’t, there is no need for labels. But if you’re still wondering, this is what an affair that’s getting serious looks like:
1. Most importantly, your feelings have deepened.
The relationship between two people who love each other is never superficial, no matter what they label it or how much they deny it.
This is more common between affair partners whose affair has been going on for a long time. Do you tell each other “I love you”?
Do you find yourself comfortable in each other’s presence and suffering each second you’re apart? There’s no mistaking it.
2. You no longer care if you get caught.
You’re beginning to think that getting caught is no longer a big deal, so you and your affair partner are doing riskier things such as going out in public.
In a way, you want to get caught so that your spouse initiates the divorce; this means that your affair is more important to you than your marriage is.
3. Hotels aren’t the only place you meet.
Expanding a bit further upon what I just said: if you and your affair partner started meeting up in public, then that’s the real deal.
Hotels are where most physical affairs are carried out, so for you to want to widen your horizon means that your relationship goes deeper than sex.
4. You stopped caring about how you look with one another.
When affairs are purely physical, the two people involved put extra thought into their appearance: outfit, hair, makeup, etc.
If you and your affair partner feel comfortable enough to dress in casual clothing and still be attracted to one another, then it’s not unlikely your affair is getting serious.
Clothing isn’t the only thing, though, as feeling comfortable also includes letting your lovable, oddball persona shine through!
5. You actually stay with them after sex.
“Toot it and boot it” no longer applies to your after-sex routine because now you actually want to stay over for cuddles.
Your intentions with each other have stopped being just sex and now you want to get closer, so you’re both milking the time you have together.
6. The future is certain: you want your affair partner in it.
If you can’t think of a future without your affair partner in it, then you’ve most likely fallen…hard.
You don’t even see each other as just “lovers” anymore; you want to grow old together and aren’t able to keep away from each other for long periods.
Maybe you are planning a future together, a future in which you’re ready to come out to the public.
7. You love spending more time with this person than with your partner.
You need to compare in situations like these to truly know where you’re at in life—take a moment to think about your spouse and your affair partner.
Do you dread spending time with your spouse and view it as a chore? And when you look at your affair partner, are you filled with joy?
If your AP is the only one making you feel this way, then maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your feelings for them.
8. Their presence is enough to cheer you up.
The most important people in our lives are usually the ones whose existence is enough to make us happy, the ones who don’t even have to do anything to cheer us up.
Is your lover that person for you? Are they the ones whom you go to whenever you’re having a bad day?
9. You trust each other enough to share your darkest, deepest secrets.
Once communication becomes a factor in an affair, then it’s no longer just an affair—it’s two people establishing a bond.
It’s viable that things are getting serious if you two have started talking more, sharing secrets, and opening up about your feelings/thoughts.
10. The guilt you used to feel has disappeared.
It’s normal for first-time cheaters to feel guilty for what they’re doing because, let’s face it, what they’re doing has consequences.
But lately, that guilt has completely disappeared and all that matters is you and your affair partner stay together.
What this means is that you don’t think you’re throwing your marriage away for just anybody, but for someone you really want to be with.
11. You two told your friends about each other.
Nothing says “We’re serious about each other.” more than two lovers telling the world about each other; it’s a sign you want this person in your life for real.
12. Family things feel like a drag.
Do you feel yourself becoming less of a family man or woman? Not wanting to spend a lot of your time with your family, i.e. prioritizing your affair partner, is a sign not to be ignored.
Don’t panic—this is happening because your affair partner has a bigger impact on you than you might think.
13. Their absence drives you crazy.
Get used to missing your affair partner like crazy because it’s going to happen more often, the more in love you fall with them.
Want to test this out? Just look at photos of them. If longing infiltrates every inch of your body, leaving you wanting to call them up, you most definitely miss them.
14. You find yourself daydreaming about them.
You find yourself looking at their photos, re-reading their text messages, or just thinking about them while a warm smile creeps up on your face.
Remembering someone and fragments of the time you spend together is a clear-cut indicator of feelings, in my opinion, as you’re doing it completely unprovoked.
15. You spend all your holidays together.
Holidays are meant to be enjoyed with family and other people you love, so your wanting to spend them with your affair partner is quite telling.
They are the person you want to share all your best moments with.
16. You reach out to each other outside of your “schedule”.
In my career, I have noticed that most affair relationships function with the help of a “schedule”—a system both participants should respect to keep the levels of danger low.
For example, contact might be possible only:
- After midnight;
- After work;
- During the mornings, or any time when there’s no risk of being found out.
But, when they start developing feelings, they throw caution to the wind and reach out to one another outside of that schedule.
17. You look more like a couple with each passing day.
Doing couple-y stuff is usually what, well, couples do! Or at least people who want to be a couple and are serious about each other.
- Regularly going out on dates;
- Getting each other gifts;
- Pet names;
- Teasing and playful flirting, and, you know what I mean.
18. You now have the courage to leave your partner.
If you have been discussing the possibility of leaving your partner, then maybe it’s time to go for it—it’s fair for everyone involved in this.
Besides, cheating spouses rarely find the courage to do this as their intentions were simply to lead a happy marriage while having some fun on the side.
Having thought about getting a divorce and staying with your lover full-time is an obvious sign that there’s something more going on between you two.
Your affair partner has caught feelings —This is how you can tell.
If you’re reading this, then it’s most likely because your affair partner has caught feelings for you, but you’re not sure yet.
Let’s break it down real quick:
- Two people who are cheating generally don’t get too close, or rather, they know they shouldn’t given the circumstances.
Only one thing binds them: sex.
Other than sex, there’s not much they have in common; doing things regular couples normally would, like planning dates or communicating is off the table.
So, if your affair partner is treating you like their genuine significant other and seeking to be treated the same way, that’s when you should be worried.
- Pressuring you into leaving your spouse;
- Wanting a future with you;
- Demanding you tell people you’ve been seeing each other;
- Asking for more time and attention;
- Sharing their secrets;
- Constantly asking you, “What are we?”.
This is pretty much how your affair partner should be acting if they’re in love with you…but what’s next?
How to find out if your partner is cheating online?
In case things are getting serious, you need to talk to your spouse.
It’s only fair that you’re honest about your affair if you want to move forward, so you either have to:
- Break the affair off;
- Or break the marriage off.
In whichever case, I recommend you talk to your spouse about what has been going on—it’s not going to be pretty, but it must be done.
If you really care about this person and want to pursue a sincere relationship with them, you can’t keep sneaking behind your spouse’s back for life.
However, I am not going to play the devil’s advocate here and tell you everything will be a breeze during or after the confrontation. Trust me, it won’t.
No matter how civil, your spouse is going to take this very harshly, so I recommend you approach them with a very calm, understanding attitude.
Tell your spouse you have fallen for someone else and you wish to break things off, but don’t blame them (something cheaters tend to do often as an attempt to feel better about themselves).
Answer their questions and try your hardest to give the closure your spouse deserves.
– Before you do this, make sure you grasp what’s really on the line.
Earlier I was talking about how important knowing the difference between love and infatuation is because you’d be making the mistake of your life.
Do you truly love your affair partner, or do you just love the excitement they give you?
For years now I’ve been witnessing people make the mistake of thinking they’ve fallen hard for their AP, when in reality they were still in love with their spouses.
And what happened next? They broke up with them, only to end up falling down a rabbit hole of despair and regret later on in life!
- “Is it your spouse or lover you want by your side for the rest of eternity? Are you okay with giving your family up or at the very least changing your relationship with them for life? Why did you start your affair? Was it over something trivial, such as an argument?
Before taking your first step, I want you to make sure what you’re doing is the right thing for you—after all, your happiness is at stake.
Love,
Callisto.
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