Going on dates is a fun stage until you find yourself stuck in limbo and do not know whether there will be a second date or a third or a fourth one…..or maybe zero!
The pre-stage before starting to date is pretty fun and all that glamour and sh*t that comes along with it. But man, after that is over the second you go home, that’s when the nightmare comes.
The background music of the restaurant is still humming in your head, and you are wondering if that is just the combo of music and wine or the feeling of doubt that has started to cover your brain.
You wonder whether everything went alright tonight, or whether there were things that you may have overshared that maybe just maybe will lead him to not wanting to see you again.
There are different scenarios that one might think of and thousands of POVs that one might have about this situation. Below you are going to find crucial points of how and why the relationship is just not going to work after that first date.
Let me explain these points firstly:
Men and women have different expectations and tastes when it comes to dating. That is why things are complicated and work differently for men and women.
Despite this, you can have the date somewhere in nature, in a restaurant, maybe at your local bookstore or at the beach, which MEANS the setting of this occasion does not affect the outcomes.
There are so many signs to tell if the first date did not go well or the way we thought that it would go.
Here are 15 important signs that there will be no second date, a.k.a he’s not interested after the first date:
1. Charade aka [Not catching a vibe]
NO, here I am not talking about the game of CHARADES, I am talking about your date’s charade actions. It is obvious that the first date should be the one where you will give and receive good impressions.
But, have you found yourself feeling that he is not passing the vibe just like he did while texting or speaking over the phone?
Let’s set it this way, you are two people with different connections, you do not click like you thought you did while talking on the phone or while texting.
Do not waste your time and follow these signs:
- If while dining he is constantly looking at other women in the restaurant
- When you speak he does only the sound of MHM and do not interact or give his opinion
- Most of the time he is checking his phone as a sign of being annoyed by your presence
- This guy speaks only about himself in general and does not want to know anything about you (there might be a thousand reasons that he accepted to have this date that I will explain below in the article)
- He calls it quits earlier than expected
- He asks awkward and personal questions
I know that through your head were thoughts such as: WTF, WHY ME, WHY THIS IS HAPPENING, HELP, WHAT I WAS THINKING, WHO IS HE? WHY AM I HERE?
There are some things about your date that you might not notice while being on earlier stages of talking to him or while you are texting him – Things you like about him.
But, as soon as you have that guy in front of you some things might start to change, you will be able to have a closer observation of his attitude towards you.
Body language tells a lot about one person if he is interested in you, or if he isn’t into you and whether he means those words that he is uttering.
If you have been wondering all along from the stage of texting to talking and now having a date, if you have found your fish in the sea, you should check this quiz!
2. You did not meet each other’s expectations
If you have met online, and whether you have talked on Tinder or any other social media your impression of that person is based only on written words!
This means that if during this time you have been talking only on the phone or just texting, then the moment that you decide to meet and have a date will be the moment to determine if that connection is as it seemed to be through the phone.
So, you already created expectations before you met, after the date is when you’ll understand whether you met those expectations, or whether your date met yours.
Though this might lead to the idea of having created maybe a false idea about one another, which is normal in such situations.
What you decide to do after not meeting each other’s expectations is crucial for that second date.
3. He doesn’t seem to feel like doing it!
Commitment can be scary, and that is understandable, it is also common for a lot of people. Another thing about commitment is that you have to feel like doing it. You’ve got to feel the other person too.
If your date doesn’t seem to feel like doing that, doesn’t seem to put effort into it, doesn’t seem to want to spend time with you, or doesn’t initiate conversations on the ‘next date’, then he might just not be feeling it.
Even though your first date went really really well or at least you felt that you two ‘love birds’ had something in common…
It can happen for one to not feel the connection, as it is something that happens naturally, not something you have to force.
You might think: Sh*t, yas I am the one to blame for all of it because maybe I was not paying attention to the details and I thought that date went really well. Nope, nope, nope, that is not the effing thing right now to focus on.
He just chose the wrong method to deal with this, he got ruled by fear.
I am not saying that it is wrong to not feel ready to commit, but it’d be more human if he’d tell you so.
COMMUNICATION, NOT ESCAPING – IS THE KEY!
4. He’s always avoiding to meet with you
Perhaps you tried to communicate with him and want to meet him. But, what he does is avoid meeting you by giving nonsense reasons.
He might say that tomorrow he cannot come because his cat has died, or just an excuse without a suggestion for another date suitable for him.
Well a dying cat is a solid reason but if he’d really be interested, he’d try to find a way to see you. He’d call you after he’d passed the great grief.
I have also been in a similar position where I wondered if what I was doing was wrong, and I was always the one who was trying to ask him to come and talk and hang out.
At that time I was not aware that something was off because I was focused on thinking that I was not good enough for him.
But that is no reason to lose yourself, get your chin up and analyze the situation IN A PRAGMATIC point of view.
If he’s not interested in you, so what? It doesn’t have to do with your values, it has to do with his own personal preferences. You have them too, everyone does.
5. You are just a playdate to him
If you are just a playdate to him then he will call you whenever he feels lonely or horny.
Let’s go and explain the Home Run method that most guys use for their own aim.
First base, second base, third base… Finally the Home Run!
Do these terms seem familiar to you? Yeah, you may have heard them in a baseball game but here we’re using it figuratively. We’re not much into baseball, at least not today.
The first, second, and third base: get laid (sorry for using such a particularly weird way of expressing).
The home run: Just puffing out of your life until the next urge for “baseballing” kicks in.
He is not interested in knowing your soul or your life.
He’s driven by his sexual desire and the thought of accomplishing that desire, it has nothing to do with your personality.
If he doesn’t call after the first date and that continues within a long period of time and then he appears like those clowns in a surprise gift box, I’d suggest you consider if you want to continue with him or not.
6. He avoided serious topics to discuss
We are aware that some topics cannot be discussed while texting or talking over the phone.
But once you are having a date you can have a conversation on most topics that concern both of you.
Yup, the first date is a step further to get to know each other. You cannot reveal yourselves all in one date but yet there are some things that need to be discussed.
For example, some of the points that is quite alright to discuss with one another:
- Where you see yourself in the next two or three years, what are your plans?
- What makes you go further in a relationship with someone like me?
- Would you rather live poor and in love or rich and be out of love?
- Any fun facts about you?
- Who are the most important people to you?
I am not saying that it should be an interrogation process but still asking simple life questions can help you see where two of you are going.
If he feels intimidated by this process and has not a vision for his future with you in it then sorry but there is not going to be a second date!
7. Having Different Mindsets
During the first date any conversation may be a pivot to any controversial topics that might reveal a lot of who you are and what kind of mindset you have.
You disagree on many things of different levels.
If the topic is religion, politics, or you discuss something that is happening right now, for example the pandemic, and you have different opinions about each of them, then he might find it as a deal breaker.
If he is the one that thinks that only he has the right to think like that and that his opinion is more accurate and valuable than yours, you should call it quits while being there.
Even though we know that the opposites attract, he might not see a future with you if it is impossible for him to accept the fact that someone whom he might share his life with, thinks differently from him.
8. He went from Hero to Zero
Even though your date went really well, that is not a sure sign that there will be a second date. There was some clash of personalities as soon as the date started.
This time Hercules won’t come to save you, he cannot come to the phone right now!
He is busy acting cocky and acting like a jerk at the restaurant, that type of a gentleman image that you have dreamed, now it is tossed somewhere in the ocean.
Other than that, you start to feel uncomfortable in his presence and you were not aware of it earlier on or perhaps you chose ways to ignore that ‘awareness’ knocking at your door.
If he is a hero in the written form he will be also in person, don’t try to fool yourself by daydreaming.
He will start to realize later that something did not go right on the first date, maybe he will not be able to realize that his actions led to not having fun, but still he will move on to the next girl, just like that!
9. You always have things under control
In this age, it is quite alright to be an independent woman but you can do that without being disrespectful or making someone feel bad about their actions.
Let’s have a look at this: Were you the one that chose the place, ask the question to have a date?
Or were you the one to text after the first date? Well, I’m just gonna say it: Girl, you were forcing things to work out. And that’s okay, and that’s normal.
However if he didn’t ever initiate, say: calls, texts (or rarely initiated them), the date, that was the very early sign of his lack of interest.
Now, after the first date, that lack of interest grew deeper. And it shows. He doesn’t initiate, you’re the one doing so.
10. You initiated, and perhaps even paid for the date
While having the first date, you were the one who insisted and paid the bill right? You were the one who mostly carried the conversation, weren’t you?
Some women hate it when they are the ones that are going to pay, on the other hand there are women that do not want to pay by themselves or even contribute.
Generally speaking, most men do not want to let women pay on their first date.
If you paid for everything, carried the conversation, and didn’t sense a drop of effort from his side then it is time to reflect on yourself and not be a cry baby that it has been a week and he did not call you yet after that first date.
Let’s look at this chart, it will help to understand a few things:
“Why so serious with charts and things?” What I am trying to say is that things in a relationship should be in proportion, everything.
In your case, he didn’t bother about it. Take it as a sign.
11. Being a ‘Wife Material’ does not impress him
It is better for you to know that he is not interested in having a serious relationship than to waste your time (of course if having a serious relationship is your intention).
He might not be looking for the same thing you’re looking for.
You might feel like your heart has been shattered into a million pieces right now but you will be fine! What you think of ‘him’ could just be a projected image of your ‘ideal’ image of a man for you.
If you are kind, caring and protective and like him so much that you would like to know more about him and you see him in your future, this might not be the thing that he’s looking for.
He might not want someone who will love and care for him, for the moment he might be interested only to have some short romance or to put in vain his loneliness. I know your blood boils and you cannot help it but just move on.
12. He cancels the date without a concrete reason
It is quite brutal when he cancels the date without giving you any reason. He might appear after some time giving you some inaccurate reasons, but who cares if you have been the one suffering the most during these days.
For so many reasons he did not appear on the first (or second) date, maybe it was him, maybe it was you; But if he cancels the first (or second) date and doesn’t make any attempts to make up for it, then the chances are that there is no bright future for the two of you.
13. Didn’t dress to impress!
Is he even dressed to get your attention? It is not important what someone is wearing but yet you will be able to see if he puts effort in his appearance in order to impress you.
[When you meet a man, you judge him by his clothes; when you leave, you judge him by his heart. ~ Russian Proverb]
By this you may be able to notice a lot of things, it is a little detail that determines if he’s been looking forward to seeing you or not. If he has come to this date to impress you or not.
If he did not put in a lot of effort then it means that he is just there to see what’s CRACKALACKIN.
If he is dressed to impress then most probably there’ll be a second date, since he wants to impress you also with his appearance and make a good entrance.
If not, then you already know the answer.
14. You are the one to text first
You wait 24 hours after the first date, whether there is going to be a text or not or even a call, but NO.
Your guy is acting distant after the first date? God damn it, you text first but still get no answer, you call him but still nothing at all. Just some mumble bubble things that he said last night about you just go through your head, but not a single text from him.
“I thought we were fine, I thought it went quite alright, like pretty great”.
These are the words that you have said to your friends last night but probably not what he said to his.
You did not get a text even after you texted him or called and that is time to realise that he does not want to continue with you anymore.
Oh, just screw him! Don’t be an underdog. Simply reflect on the situation and see what you can do about improving yourself, though don’t put the ‘blame’ on you for him not wanting another date.
He chose the wrong way of telling you he doesn’t want another date.
It’s why you might feel insecure and obsessed with the situation. Most of the time, it can be only one to blame, but consider also the cases where both of you did something that did not work out. It could be a text before meeting one another, it could be a “joke” said unintentionally, or something else.
15. Let’s have a toast: to the douchebags!
He cuts the date earlier than expected.
Abruptly he calls the waiter to pay and he has a reason like: “I am sorry but I have to go”, “My mom is sick”, “They called me at work”…
And you are like: “But… Jason, it’s already 8 PM. It has been less than an hour since we came here, and you or none of this makes any f*cking sense, you f*cking bastard!” – In your mind, that’s what you said to him in your mind.
You are left there reminiscing your online conversations and wondering what went wrong.
Things don’t work sometimes the way you thought, it means that he might’ve been not interested in you from the beginning, that douchebag!
If a guy is being a player he is known for his games and for being the opposite of a man who is vulnerable and has good intentions. Again, cheers!
It is obvious now that there will not be a following date with him. AND THAT’S OKAY, okay?
A little sum up of all the signs that he’s not interested after first date:
# He doesn’t seem to be engaged in the conversations
# He doesn’t call or text after the date: No contact after first date
# Your guy doesn’t text after first date: He didn’t bother to text you to see if you arrived home safely after the date
# He feels cold and distant through text
# He didn’t put any effort in the date
# He found excuses to call the date over earlier
# He told you already
How to make him be more interested in you to have a second date?
You were wondering how to turn things upside down and find a solution in order to get asked for a second or third date. Do not worry! I got you all covered! Let me explain to you how to turn the ship around.
We are aware that if the guy is not interested at all then there is nothing we can do about it and we have to just accept the ugly truth.
But if he has that little spark of interest and if there is a chance that he is that type of guy who needs to collect his thoughts and decide what is his next step in a relationship, then there might be hope.
Here is my checklist with lovey dovey things to do, to make your date be more interested in you:
- Be your own self, whatever you may be!
- Look him into the eyes but not in a creepy way to scare him away, it helps in building a connection.
- Be flirty here and there, of course if that comes naturally.
- Try to be attentive while having a conversation, listen to understand, not to speak only.
- Be honest.
- Be on time.
- Bring up discussion topics that are interesting for both of you.
Most importantly from all the attributes listed above: Be You! Keep in mind, if he is interested from the beginning and has a crush on you, he will do everything to meet you again.
Why do guys lose interest after a first date?
The most common reason guys lose interest after a first date is them just not feeling the connection, or projecting unrealistic ideas of ‘what she could be’ before meeting you.
There’s no straight and direct answer to that. Usually a first date is set after a while of texting or communicating through the phone, hence there are a lot of chances for both of you to project an imaginary vision of ‘the perfect partner’ onto one another.
This leads you both to create high expectations, just for them to get crashed after meeting with one another, and realizing that they are an actual human being and not that fantasy that you created in your head.
FAQ: Here are the answers to what was bugging you all along.
1. Why are guys distant after the first date?/Why do guys not text after a first date?
After the first date, one question that pops into your mind could be: why is he distant now, why didn’t he text me yet?
He might not be sure yet. There are no rules when it comes to texting and calling after having the first date. He might start to be distant if he is not sure yet or if he starts to realize that he has different life plans from yours.
He might also need time to think about it. If he genuinely cares about the connection with you, he would text you by saying that he needs time to see whether to go further in a relationship with you or not.
He might not be interested. Most men don’t feel comfortable just being plainly straightforward and ‘refusing’ a woman, hence they choose the ‘easy’ way out by distancing themselves from her.
He might text after the first date, and then nothing after that: He just won’t take action on taking things further with you.
2. Is there a chance so he can be interested in me again?
There might be chances for that hope of yours but always keep in mind that if he was interested in you then that sparkle would not be lost immediately after meeting you in person.
But if he needs time to recollect his thoughts about everything then if he sees the future with you he will get back to you, eventually. BUT, that doesn’t mean you have to sit and wait around for him, seriously.
3. How to tell if the first date went well?
Well there are a few things that tell if the date went well or not but still one might tell only about himself/herself if he had a good time.
- Both of you laughed a lot
- That was a natural flow while talking
- You felt pretty close with one another
- Found so many things in common that you did not mentioned earlier
- You felt very comfortable with him by your side
- He was flattered by your presence
- It lasted more than you thought it would last
Feelings, laughs and good times cannot be faked, if he really likes you, for sure he will go to the end of the world not only for a second date but for an ETERNAL one. So, just search and wait patiently. There is one guy that will do that for you, it takes time, but love will find its way to you.
4. Will he text me after the first date?
He will if he genuinely likes you and if he cares that you arrive safely. No matter how the date went, if he cares enough, he’ll text you to make sure you’re home safely.
5. Do guys text after a first date if not interested?
Yes they do. I know it is a surprising answer, but a lot of guys/men text after a first date even if they’re not interested.
Out of respect for the time you shared together through texting, and while having the date, they will text after the first date. It can be a message that directly addresses the fact that they’re not interested, or a simple ‘did you arrive safely?’.
6. How do you know if a guy is into you after the first date?
He will put effort, he will initiate conversations, texts, perhaps calls too, and most importantly he’ll give you the “we should do this again soon”.
If you’re not the one to wait around for him to ask you out, then you can ask him out and find out whether he’d like to go on another date or not. You’ve got this!