A man not wanting to commit is often met with epithets such as ‘man-child’, ‘immature’, or even ‘unstable’.
He might be one of those – or worse, all of those – if you came forward with your intentions and expectations, yet he’s displaying confusing behavior.
A relationship is hard to function when you are dating a man who doesn’t want to commit. Finding out where the flow is going, will save you from beating a dead horse, time, and, well… probably tears too.
His actions show more than his word of mouth. And if his actions resonate with these signs, he’s not going to commit:
1. You don’t compare to his long list of priorities.
Being in each other’s list of priorities is often one of the early signs of commitment in a relationship.
He tends to put first everything else whether it is his work, his friends, or any other activity.
If you always come last after his long list of priorities, then he probably won’t commit – at least not shortly.
2. The effort pours from one side only, it’s yours.
Putting effort into a relationship makes the relationship long-lasting and strong. But for it to work, the effort should come from both sides.
A sign that he doesn’t want to commit is his lack of effort:
- He doesn’t bother making up for his mistakes, knowing you, or making the relationship work;
- He won’t communicate nor open up with you;
- He rarely makes time for you, and his attention is everywhere else but you;
- His behavior is erratic despite it risking your relationship.
3. You feel like you’re his little secret.
A great sign he won’t commit is if he keeps you a secret.
We don’t introduce people to our social circles if we don’t intend to keep those people around us at least for a while.
Unfortunately, his behavior making you like you’re his little secret is not a good sign:
- He doesn’t talk about you to his friends;
- He never took the initiative to introduce you to his social circle;
- He never posts you – or lets you post him – on social media.
4. Despite hurting you sometimes, his behavior keeps being reckless.
Making up for his mistakes is a sign of commitment regardless of the weight of it.
If, despite seeing the weight of his actions on you, he doesn’t try to improve his behavior(s) then he’s likely not planning on committing to you:
- He becomes angry when things don’t go his way;
- Despite your efforts to make him happy, he reacts badly and even ends up yelling;
- Your feelings go unacknowledged and ignored.
In a healthy relationship, you take care of each other’s feelings and show respect. If he often disrespects you, hurts you, or makes you cry, he doesn’t truly want to commit.
5. He love-bombs you, then disappears.
Love-bombing is a common tactic used for manipulation.
He gives you all the compliments, attention, and admiration long enough to get you used to him and trust him.
After he reaches his desired outcome, and you get used to it, he bails on you and disappears.
He ghosts you and comes back with the same tactic to get something else he wants from you. Unfortunately, this is not likely to change any soon.
6. He avoids any conversations about the future or the relationship.
A common sign of a person who doesn’t want to commit is their hesitance to plan the future or talk about defining their relationship.
Pay attention to his behavior every time you ask about becoming exclusive.
If he ignores you, gets distant, or changes the subject, means that he has no interest in committing to you.
7. He claims to have commitment issues and doesn’t want anything serious.
Commitment issues are a serious problem that a lot of people struggle with. But some people use this serious issue as an excuse to not commit and also get sympathy for their issues.
If he claims that he has commitment issues, and wants nothing serious, focus on the second part.
He means it when he says he doesn’t want a committed relationship.
Do your research on commitment issues and analyze his behavior to understand his fear of commitment.
8. He doesn’t invest emotionally in this relationship.
One of the earliest signs of commitment (or commitment on the way) is emotional investment.
Feeling safe to open up and be vulnerable is what creates the strongest connection in a relationship.
You find support and security in the privacy of your relationship, to open up about your feelings.
If you never heard him talking about his feelings, showing his vulnerability and weaknesses to you, then he’s not investing emotionally, and in turn likely to not commit any sooner.
9. He has eyes and time for other dating options.
Seeing someone else, presenting himself as open to the dating world, flirting and texting with potential partners are just a few signs that he’s having time and eyes for other dating options.
Even worse, if he does it openly in front of you.
If this is the case with your guy, then it goes without saying that he’s not going to commit to you.
10. He never proved himself to be reliable.
Being in a relationship means you have a safe place to run to when things get hard. You have a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen to you.
He isn’t going to commit to you when every time things get hard, and you call him over, instead of being there for you, he flakes on you.
The same thing applies even in cases of emergency.
If he, not even once, didn’t prove to be reliable then he’s not going to commit.
11. Sex is just for his pleasure, but not for intimacy or connection.
Sexual intimacy is an important part of a couple’s deep connection.
Not only does it help you relieve stress and pleasure each other, but it can create an unbreakable bond between the two.
For a person who doesn’t want to commit, sex is an animalistic act for physical pleasure only. sex only for his pleasure.
He doesn’t partake in the foreplay, there is no kissing involved and completely avoids intimacy.
Sex might be the only reason he stays in this relationship, and he is focused only on pleasing himself.
12. His excuses are endless.
You have realized that he always has an excuse every time you expect him to be present.
Excuses are a way to kill the connection and communication. Excuses are little white lies.
This often means he’s not there for you, yet is keeping you around for his particular convenience.
13. He barely texts, let alone calling.
A person who isn’t interested in pursuing you or committing to you tends to show their lack of commitment in other forms of communication too.
- He texts only if he needs something from you;
- He never calls you unless it’s ‘an emergency’ for him;
- The only time he calls is when he is coming over;
- When you text him, it takes ages for him to reply;
- He ignores your calls.
14. He refuses to meet your social circle.
Meeting each other’s friends and family comes with different stages in the relationship.
It shows a sign of readiness, seriousness, and commitment to the relationship.
But if it has been a long time since you’ve been together and he’s refusing to meet your people, then he’s out of the commitment zone.
This is an important sign you shouldn’t ignore. It shows that he doesn’t want to connect deeper with you, hence he won’t ever commit.
15. He is getting everything he wants without commitment.
When you are in a relationship both partners need to put their 100 % for the relationship to work and create a healthy bond.
When you both work together toward the relationship, you create a harmonious and happy space for each other.
When you give to a person everything you have, and they give you nothing in return, this tends to make them think they have the upper hand in this relationship.
A sense of superiority if you will.
You are loyal to him, giving him time and effort, showing up at his door every time he calls you.
Him? He’s there to get what he wants and leaves the second he gets it.
What to do when you know he won’t commit?
You have seen all the signs that he won’t commit. Now comes the next step, what to do when he won’t commit?
Firstly, you need to take some time and reflect.
Ask yourself these questions, and with full honesty answer them to yourself.
- What he offers to the table that you cannot let him go?
- Do you see this relationship ever progressing?
- Is it worth spending more time in this relationship?
- Have you made it clear that you want a committed relationship?
- Does this relationship make you happy?
- Is this how you want to feel for the rest of your life?
- What are the good and bad traits in him, and which ones are more dominant?
These questions will help you reflect on the situation and see where you’re standing with this guy.
Leaving this situationship once and for all…
If you came clear with your intentions and expectations for and from this relationship, and still no commitment from his side, then it’s time to leave.
I know it’s hard. I know you’ll miss him. And I know you’re thinking you won’t find another like him.
But, if his behavior resonates with the signs above, you deserve better, and thank god you won’t find another like him.
Here’s how you can go about this:
- Make it clear to him that you’re looking for a relationship. Here’s an example:
“I’m actually looking for a committed relationship, and I’ve noticed that we’re not on the same page.”
- Stand your ground, and tell him you’re leaving. Here’s another example:
“Since we’re not on the same page regarding commitment, I think it’s best that we no longer see each other. I’m looking for something else and I think you should find what you’re looking for too.”
- Go no contact with him and block his ways to get to you.
You have to do this for yourself.
You’re not on the same page with this guy, and you both know it. You will find your person, and you’ll be happy.
But first, you have to let go of this one.