Being in a ‘loving and loved’ relationship is one of the remarkable things in life. But when ‘doubt’ comes as a part of a relationship, then YIKES comes right after it, no one wants to go through that phase.
Unfortunately, people pretending to love someone they’re in a relationship with is a thing. We wish that with some pixie dust everything would turn out fine, but the reality isn’t that easy. Hence, we step back and reflect.
We, humans, suck at hiding things, suck at pretending, as we are designed and built to communicate not through verbal language only. We are constantly giving hints, signals, but also receiving them. If he’s pretending to love you, you’ll find out about it sooner or later.
Defining the meaning: Let’s explain “Pretending” in the simplest form possible
‘He pretends’ explained – Here is our checklist:
- He does not enjoy your presence anymore
- Fakes a smile and laugh often
- Doesn’t seem to be interested in anything you say
- Does not feel proud of you
- Your achievements are a reason for you to have a fight
- Does not bring out the best version of you
- You are the only one constantly making the relationship go further
If you have ticked all those traits above on the list, then the fundamental results scream P-R-E-T-E-N-D-I-N-G!
Well, it cannot be called ‘pretending’ if:
- He needs space for some days to reflect on everything
- Wants to make sure of feelings for you to himself before introducing you to his family/friends
- He is an introvert and at times it comes hard to him to express himself and be vulnerable
- When he gets angry at you because he is having a bad day but still needs to process and talk about it later
- If you give him attention when needed
- Jokes about you but in order to bring out the best of you
- He compliments other women but does not bring you down for your appearance
Don’t let your brain trick you
Before you get to the signs, you must keep in mind that there are chances for you to ‘adjust’ stories to give them some sort of a sense and for them to relate to what you’re reading.
Just because one of the signs resonates with you doesn’t mean you have to go all crazy and come up with a rushed conclusion. Also if you find only one of the signs resonating, you’re more likely to try to find other clues in other signs to ‘convince’ yourself that he’s pretending to love you. If you think he loves you but not showing it, you might be wrong.
Let’s not do that to our pretty selves. Let’s be mindful and reasonable.
‘Only Time Will Tell’ is the truth, but before we count on TIME let’s buckle up and follow these steps to find out what you are going through, sisters! Promise? No more, head-in-the-clouds type of mood anymore! Here are the signs that he is pretending to love you:
1. Constantly comparing you to other women
He is constantly talking about how other women look, or how you should do your hair or dress more like someone in particular. Also, stating what it means to be a ‘perfect woman’ according to him.
This is what we call: wrong! This should not happen at all in a relationship. Once this goes simultaneously in your relationship, you should start reconsidering the relationship itself.
It is not wrong to compliment other women in your presence, but if he tries to change you to meet his needs, then this means that your relationship is at stake.
If you would be some kind of a burden to him at some point in your life if he cared he would sit and try to talk about that. Yup, communication through everything, no comparing, no judging.
Not needing to make you feel like a piece of sh*t for anything, not about your appearance nor your personality.
2. He’s being distant: emotionally, physically
“Even in a single encounter with someone, you should attempt to note his or her “starting position” at the beginning of your interaction”.Joe Navarro
It is a slippery slope once he starts to be detached from you unexpectedly. I know that this raises a lot of questions in your head but remember if he makes it normal to just have ‘His Own Space’ way too often, then something is not right.
We, women, want to know the naked soul, we want to connect with a person on a spiritual level. If he constantly keeps his ‘MASK’ on and keeps his emotional (and physical) distance with you, then we’ve got a problem.
Now, what I want to say is that if it has been a long time since you have been in each other’s life, it is a little bit weird for you to not share each other’s feelings, problems, what troubles your minds and souls, your loving and kindness.
Girl, you know that it ain’t HALLOWEEN YET but you have been GHOSTED!
Maybe sometimes you may not feel like calling him, or maybe he might not feel like calling or texting you, and it’s ok. It’s called ‘being a human’, it’d be unrealistic to constantly have the need and urge to call your SO ‘just because I love you so much, and I miss you’.
BUT, we’ve got a problem when he just vanishes for long periods.
If he is vulnerable and opens up to you, tells you that he needs to process everything that is happening for some time and then will be able to go through that, together with you. That is realistic and ok.
Yet, if he doesn’t text or call for days/weeks/ months without explanation, it means that you are being ghosted, and chances are, he’s pretending.
I know that this is not the best feeling in the world but it will make you reflect on so many aspects of your relationship. Think about it, you love him, would you do the things he does to you?
3. The feeling of being PERPLEXED
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. You don’t feel like clapping your hands, right? At least not this time, or the one before this, or the one before that…
Yesterday he was ‘Prince Charming’ but today is ‘The Beast’ and you don’t know which version you can expect from him the next day.
There are moments when it feels like he is somebody completely new and you don’t know who he is anymore. This raises a lot of questions, was he like this from the beginning and you were not aware of it?
Such behavior can cause you to have mood swings, and that is understandable. It is understandable but it is also toxic. Once you notice this becoming some sort of a pattern in your relationship, then consider it as a sign that something’s off.
The one who has feelings for you and loves you to the fullest, cannot change feelings for you in a blink of an eye! Feelings cannot be changed just like outfits. There comes the moment that you start to reflect on whether he was worth it or not. Or just as this song goes:
“I mean she even cooks me pancakes
And Alka Seltzer when my tummy aches
If that ain’t love
Then I don’t know what love is”-Gym Class Heroes
4. His past is a mystery
When you raised questions of his past, even those that are the simplest ones, he did not give you a damn answer. While you talk, his mind is wandering elsewhere and instead of giving you an answer, he tries to twist your mind with a kiss or a hug.
Also, you don’t know any of his friends, or even if you know one or two of them, that is just from a distance; because you never had a chance to meet them in person.
Every time that you try to learn something from his past, it feels like an impossible mission because he immediately twists it and talks about something else.
Some people don’t like to dig into their past anymore for different reasons but if he wants you for real, you’ll have access to it, even in the slightest way. You’ll start to be part of his past, present, and future, step by step. When he’s pretending, you won’t be part of any of it.
5. His absence is getting difficult to cope with
He will miss the most important dates that the two of you have and then act like he is going to make it up to you, (very soon)!
He makes it seem like it isn’t a big deal for forgetting important dates. At times, he will buy a gift, like it is not a big deal that he has missed something that should have been and is important for both of you.
His attitude reflects this: Here, have your reward so you won’t trip on me. That is not a good SIGN for sure!
Someone who cares for you, remembers even the tiniest details about you. Whatever the reason behind his absence might be, he’d find a way to make it up to you, of course, if he cared enough to.
6. The world revolves around him
Every day, every second, everything is about HIM!! If you don’t give him the needed attention, he may go wild and his attitude changes to a different scale, in a short period.
He begins to be intense without any major reason and does not bother to come and apologize about it, he just wings it and makes you feel like you are the guilty one.
You are aware that you are compressing & suppressing your feelings, that you need to do everything on your own, not only this time but for a long time now. When this is a continuous thing, you may want to have a conversation with him and see things from a different point of view.
In this case, you are not the problem, the only issue is him manipulating you with his attitude to achieve everything that he wants through you. If you feel that you are tolerating too much, you need to get the hell out of this so-called ‘Prince Charming’ situation.
If feelings are not mutual, then it is time to see this case differently!
7. Yeah Sex is Good, but have you tried ‘Communication’ yet?
No pillow talks? Physical intimacy is important, but when time passes you need someone who understands what you are feeling too. You may be enchanted by his appearance but when you luck on finding a similar point in life, HE is not worth the try.
You know even the series of the books: Chicken Soup for the Soul, could not see that coming, that is why you should handle it by yourself and read the signs, also know that it isn’t always about Dancing and Romancing in life. I know, they can lead you to false ideas about love and not prepare you for the aftermath.
He doesn’t communicate his feelings to you, or when he does it, it’s pretty clear that it’s not exactly meant. You may be the first one who said ‘I love you’ or the one who says it constantly but he never said it, or said it with a lower tone like it doesn’t mean anything to him.
As long as you are part of this type of relationship, you are going to wonder where you went wrong and feel worthless and small toward him. What I suggest is: Shout, ask questions, make it or break it, but change the situation. Because his manipulative behavior can be a cause that you feel this way since your feelings and opinions need to be noticed too.
8. You are not part of his Social Media Posts
Both of you, may not be that type of: ‘Do it for the gram’, but still, you would like to be appreciated sometimes on social media by your beloved one.
It differs a lot, when your beloved does not want to make your relationship public and when he wants to keep you a secret also to his virtual friends.
Not being part of his social media, will immediately lead to the pivot, that maybe he is cheating.
This time, you should try to know more about your man’s type, whether he likes to be on social media or not, or if he is constantly liking and flirting with other girls online but not posting anything with you! You should consider every possible way and try to understand it in detail.
9. “Yeah, sure sweetie!”, “Uh, okay…”
If he agrees with you for everything, it isn’t something to be proud of. That does not mean that he loves and appreciates you by doing that.
In a relationship, it is important to share opinions and thoughts no matter how different they might be, it’s part of a growing relationship that helps both individuals in it grow along.
It’s more of toleration rather than admiration. When you are exposed to phrases like “As you wish”, “Do as you want”, “Yeah Sure”, too often, then he’s not putting any effort. He’s leaving it up to you, he’s tolerating.
10. Is that a gut feeling or just my insecurities screaming? He might be cheating…
Is he being very secretive during this time? It is time to put your gut feeling into work and try to think things with logic. Don’t try to be JUDGMENTAL, try to see things clearly and try to find evidence.
Consider this: If lately, he is keeping his phone on silent and every time someone calls, he cancels the call and does not answer in your presence…
Then this time girl, you better bring the questions up and try to clear things. We are not saying to invade his personal space and be cringe, what I am trying to say is that in a relationship we should play with open cards.
11. ‘No Face, No Case’
When there is no face there is no case, which means that you will remain anonymous to his entourage. When the time comes, you will want to meet his friends and family but without being too pushy.
When many years pass, you want to be a part of his life, in a bigger picture. If he didn’t introduce you to his family and/or friends, perhaps you even asked him to and he still didn’t make the effort to do so, then we’ve got a problem to work with.
People may see you with him, but they do not know WHO YOU ARE to him. Maybe, a friend, a colleague, his cousin? As soon as you are not labeled as HIS GIRLFRIEND to his friends and family, after knowing him for years, it is time to bring the topic to the table.
When you are kept anonymous for years, then people will start to see you just as the GIRL next to him. If you do not know your place in his life, it is better to find someone who appreciates you more and wants you to be involved more in his life.
12. You are not part of his priorities
In any relationship, two people are needed to complete, understand and support one another.
He finds time for his friends and anything else to fill his leisure time, but whenever his support is needed towards you, he finds some excuses.
Everyone may not be able to be around or near you but don’t be fooled by it, especially if it is happening simultaneously lately. Maybe this trait of him was there earlier on, but you did not notice since you thought it was just a common thing.
Actions speak louder than words! Words are easy, but if he takes an action, buys your favorite dinner, or takes you out of his own will, signs are showing that he is a keeper.
Let’s set it this way, as you are building a relationship with someone you are also building a friendship with them. If he doesn’t cooperate in this constantly, then there is something off. Let’s have a peek at these situations:
If you are cold, or it is raining and you need a ride but he does not participate, if it is your birthday or any special occasion and he chooses a business meeting over it, if you are sick and you need someone to take care of but he chooses to attend a football match with his friends instead …… PHEW!!!!
Did he ever sacrifice all those things just to be by your side, (even just for once)? This means that if he puts just a little bit of effort towards you that he is compassionate about you. A.k.a he’s not pretending.
Your feelings and needs should be one of the priorities of someone that is in love with you.
13. It’s obvious he’s pretending to love you through text too
It gets clear even in the virtual realm too. He doesn’t pay much attention, his texting is inconsistent, he texts you, he loves you but he doesn’t show it.
Essentially he doesn’t walk the talk, not even close. It’s inconsistent, and it’s obvious that he’s not willing to spare time and pay attention to you.
He’s been acting like a wall all week, but now that you’re about to meet up he’s all affectionate and lustful. That piece of sh*t! He could’ve told you he’s been missing you during the week too, but a few hours before you meet he’s decided to tell you how much he missed your breasts. Great.
His words are different, his actions are different. You can tell it’s wrong because it feels wrong.
Exactly why do guys pretend to love you? Generic VS organic feeling
You’ll know right away when his feelings are GENERIC OR ORGANIC.
Mentioning generic feelings I refer to the ‘pretending’ to him acting as if he loves you. Generic feelings arise to:
#1 To Fulfill his Ego
#2 Win a bet or prove to his friends that he can win your heart without truly loving you
#3 Wants to achieve something through you, whether to attain a position, career, money, and the list goes on and on!
#4 Act tough, while being himself heartbroken in his past relationship
#5 Use your image by his side to achieve a ‘superior’ image through his false achievements in his love life.
With organic feelings, I refer to the genuine and felt care and kindness towards you. Organic Feelings are noticeable when:
#1 He finds time for you even when he has a busy schedule
#2 He tries to win your heart a thousand times… AGAIN, AGAIN AND AGAIN!
#3 Reflects on his actions
#4 He does not lose interest in you even after 32051 days spent together, but WHO’S COUNTING?
When he pretends to love me: What can I do about it?
- Step back, take a time alone, reflect on yourself;
- Try to work on yourself, and fill a journal everyday to find what are the things that you love about yourself;
- Try to understand your partner too by having a detailed conversation with him;
- Try to ask yourself if you have a full understanding of the situation;
- Don’t let this ever make you question your existence, you can bust windows at his car if it makes you feel better, but don’t question your existence, value, and worth, baby girl.
- Let go of the relationship if you have to (if the conversation with him didn’t clear up any of your doubts, or made them worse), and take however much time that you need to heal.
To wrap it up, each of us is made differently and each relationship develops differently.
You know you have hit the rock bottom when you are not happy to be treated this way, and you’ll start to reflect, love every bit of you and move on to something BETTER!
So, just keep improving yourself, try to find what is better for you, do not settle for less than what you are built for and what you are destined for. To resolve all this Jigsaw you need to only ask yourself at the end of the day: Are you happy with who you are sharing your house and your soul with?