The fact that you’re reading this article could be a hint itself. However, sometimes we let our fears and insecurities take over, yeah Michael screwed it up, but that doesn’t mean that John will do the exact same thing. John might find other ways to screw up, perhaps more advanced, or he won’t screw up at all.
Now, jokes aside. I’ve defined the one as one of the lots of people who are right for you, meet your needs and you meet theirs, at the right time; Finding out he’s NOT the one, the right one at the right time for you, isn’t supposed to be difficult.
But IT IS! It is difficult sometimes, because you’re waiting for him to change, and you’re waiting to have a better understanding, which somehow makes you blind to those red flags.
Before we get to the obvious signs that might not be so obvious to you that he’s not the one or the right one, there’s something I’d like you to reflect on… or even he might see you as the one.
Let’s take a moment and figure a couple of things out: THE ONE
It doesn’t feel forced
It’s peaceful, it comes with ease, it flows. It’s not built upon possessing one another, it’s built upon supporting and loving one another while respecting the freedom and the room to breathe.
It’s so beautiful you could cry
Joy, love, freedom, togetherness, a sense of team. Not like the movies, not unrealistic. You’re just happy and grateful to be in his presence, to be spending time with him, to be sharing with him.
You both cherish one another. You see and find home in one another. Again, it’s so beautiful you could cry. It’s not damaging, it’s challenging instead.
Your past won’t leave you alone
There’s someone from the past in your mind while you’re with this guy. This could also mean that you’re not ready for a relationship yet. But, if it’s been a long time since your last relationship, and you can’t seem to stop comparing your current partner to your last one, or fantasize about your previous partner. Then this is not the one.
And as I said before, being with “the one” is about an energy BOTH of you get one another to radiate, because of your presence. In this case, it’s not the right energy to give-receive.
You feel it in your gut
Yes, it’s that gut feeling that doesn’t leave you alone when it comes to such things. You’ll feel it when he’s cheating, you’ll feel it when he’s the one, you’ll absolutely feel it when he’s not the one.
You feel it when this is not what you’ve pictured for yourself.
It’s cold, it’s lonely, it doesn’t feel right
You were okay with being alone, with being alone and not having someone close to you to feel warm with, it felt right. You’re now in a relationship, and instead of alone you feel lonely, you feel cold, and it doesn’t feel right. You know when he’s not the right one.
One of the few things making you hold on for a little longer to this one is the hope that things will eventually change, and turn better. Be real and honest with yourself, this does not feel right, this is not the warm, cozy, home-like feeling. He’s not the one.
The thought of breaking up with him is becoming very familiar
You imagine yourself being happier and better single; You constantly catch yourself fantasizing about other people, or just yourself being single.
Even when you’re happy…
Things don’t feel right, it’s like you’re in constant wait for the storm to kick in. Or, in other cases if you don’t wait for any ‘storm’ it just doesn’t feel pure – the happiness – again, it doesn’t feel right even at the happy times. I personally find this one to be one of the fundamental signs he’s not the one.
It’s this feeling of unnaturalness, deep deep down it feels somewhat artificial, not as pure, not as lasting.
You don’t feel any support from his side
It’s about that moral support when your eyes are shining out of joy while you’re telling him about your goals and dreams.
When you’re expressing your excitement to finally start learning piano; and then you joke about how you’ll invite him to your huge concert in Denmark after 5 years from now, and he takes it so seriously and says “It’ll take years and years of practice for you to do that”, you surely are left speechless, and surely left questioning a lot of things.
You know what ‘the one’ would’ve said? He’d look you in the eyes and say “I know you’ll do it, I’ve got no doubts about it!” perhaps laugh a little, and say with seriousness “I know you’ll learn piano, I can’t wait to hear you play.” or something along those lines.
If John isn’t supportive, is discouraging you, and demotivating you, we’re not keeping John in our lives for long. He’s being a kind of negative influence, and that’s not the energy we want in our lives.
He isn’t the one for you if you feel like you’re troubling him
You’ve got to hold back parts of yourself because it feels like whatever you do/say/look it’s troubling him. This is not once, or twice, this is a constant feeling you get.
This is what “I’m not enough” feels like, this is where you get the need to impress him, the need to constantly get his attention. The image of “the one” only seems far away, and you can’t settle your beautiful mind for days and days now.
It’s noisy in your mind, your thoughts are troubled too. Again, it just doesn’t feel right.
Happiness occurs only in rare occasions
There’s more stress than joyful, fun times.
This is not what relationships should be made of. When you think about it, frankly, two people come together in order to be part of each other’s lives, be supportive of one another’s happiness, contribute to that; Otherwise, what’s the point? What’s the point of two people getting together, being in each other’s lives if all they bring in is stress, anxiety, anger, and rarely support, joy?
Intense, continuous, ups and downs
You’re all up in the clouds cheerful for a second, and the next one you’re down in the basement where it’s cold, lonely, and stressed.
This tends to happen a lot, and the pattern itself it’s not healthy. It’s not healthy for your mental health which then affects your physical health (undoubtedly). You’ll notice those little changes. You find yourself being prepared for the ‘bad times’ kicking in once you two are spending quality and joyful times together. It’s a sign, take it.
You’re not treated well, sister
There’s this lack of respect, lack of motivation, lack of support, lack of admiration. If you don’t feel respected and valued, then you’re not treated well, sister.
What you feel from him is more of toleration, rather than love and admiration. Like he’s tolerating your presence, rather than valuing and appreciating it.
You’re both there, spending time with each other, and it doesn’t feel like it’s out of admiration for one another, it just feels like spending time. You tolerate each other when in the presence of each other, you don’t appreciate the presence of each other, you tolerate it.
You’re insecure in his presence
So you give those extra things a try. Anything but yourself! It’s like there’s always something that needs to be done in order to ‘satisfy’ him with your presence, looks, behavior. This is not it, this is not what a relationship is about. Absolutely not.
If you’re feeling this while with him, then I’m sorry. I have been there too, it’s a difficult place to leave, but once you do, you realize what you have been doing to yourself by staying.
He’s showing signs of toxicity
This is the part where you’ve got to leave.
Though, it’s not as easy as it sounds, as a lot of us who find ourselves in a toxic relationship we find ourselves being aware of the toxicity but not of the need to leave. It is very difficult to leave when a long time has passed since in a toxic relationship.
However, if you notice any of these signs, you might want to take this ‘toxicity’ in consideration (for your own good):
- Manipulative behavior
- Nothing about the relationship feels healing
- It’s becoming financially draining
- Unhealthy communication: dishonesty and lying
- Feeling that you’re not important
In a toxic relationship you’ll feel completely drained, and one of the few things that keeps you going, is the thought that this is the best you’ll get, and that eventually, things might change for better. That doesn’t have to be your reality. A toxic relationship is not a relationship in which you want to be in.
You’re constantly chasing him & compromising way too much
The effort is one-sided; it’s either you giving more, or him, constantly. You’re compromising way too much, it’s out of your way.
It’s this constant need to impress him, to change parts of yourself in order to be somewhat ‘appropriate’ or ‘enough’ for him. You don’t owe him that at all, yet you feel this sort of pressure and obligation to do it. You’re indirectly imposed to do such a thing. You have to chase him in order to get his attention, care, and love.
Way too many disagreements
If your arguments can’t at least once include you both having to sit down and really give it a try to comprehend, understand each other, and actually try to solve the issues.
Disagreeing in things is healthy to a certain point, but once it becomes the new normal and those disagreements turn into arguments way too often, that’s when it’s not healthy. And you know what it means once things are not healthy in a relationship.
You don’t feel free to express
…free to express your own beautiful, sweet self, your thoughts whatever they may be. You don’t feel free to communicate. Because at the bottom of it, when you look and feel real close, you don’t feel listened nor heard.
When you don’t feel listened nor heard, you see no point in expressing anything. So you end up not feeling very well about yourself, and your self-esteem starts to lower as time goes by.
If you know exactly what that feels like, ask yourself this: “Why am I staying?”
It’s boring, far from exciting, and at times tiring
The relationship feels like it’s forced a lot of times. It’s like you’re carrying it and it’s the only reason why it’s going on (because you’re carrying it).
The excitement is long gone. It became tiring because you’ve been doing so much work on it, tiring because it’s one-sided, and tiring because it’s been so stressful to keep so many parts of yourself hidden and covered. If this is too familiar to you, then he’s absolutely not the one.
Your ideas of the future don’t match
You don’t see to have a common ground in topics such as kids, marriage, monogamy, polygamy, etc… These are pretty essential to discuss and have in common when it comes to the future.
You genuinely can’t trust nor rely on him about anything
It’s that feeling of “oh he’s going to eventually change someday”, or “he’ll get better at this”. You just can’t trust him right now at this moment, now rely on him about anything.
You just know that he’s not going to be there when you’re sick. You somehow find yourself excusing his behavior. But, wait a damn minute! Is there any case where YOUR behavior is excused?
Your loved and loving ones don’t like him
When someone who loves you doesn’t see you happy or fulfilled in a relationship of course they’ll let you know, and will try to convince you out of it.
They can see things from another angle, they can sometimes see what you can’t see. Trust them.
Tackling “not the one”
Perhaps you wanted him to be the one, but as long as it’s draining and consuming for at least one of you, then you either want to work things out or ‘work the relationship out’ by leaving and starting the healing.
Know that you’re deserving of a loving and caring partner. Know that you deserve to get what you give, all the honesty, kindness, love, and caress.
You’re loved and seen and heard, take your time to understand that, and get the strength to let go once you don’t feel that.
Take good care,