Falling in love with someone – or being infatuated by someone who doesn’t want a relationship is one of those typical situations in the dating world.
He said he doesn’t want a relationship but keeps you around, or keeps contacting you, or doesn’t contact you at all.
Despite its commonality in the dating world, this situation is no piece of cake to deal with. It can mess up your mind, your emotional state, and your self-esteem, big time!
When a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship you’re not left with many options, but you sure are left with a head full of thoughts that run so fast around your head.
But what’s there to do? How do you know he doesn’t want a relationship in the first place?
Well, we’re tackling everything about this! Starting from the basic signs he doesn’t want a relationship with you:
Signs he doesn’t want a relationship
These are the basics when it comes to a man not wanting a relationship with you. Some are obvious, while some are not that much.
It’s why it leaves you with an unclear idea of what he wants.
Here are 5 unshakeable signs he doesn’t want a relationship:
1. He tells you he’s not interested in a relationship.
If he said he doesn’t want a relationship (right now, or anytime), trust his word and take it as it is.
This might not be categorized as a sign, however, it’s necessary to mention it as part of the list.
Many try to find hidden meanings and reasoning behind something he tells directly.
When he says he doesn’t want a relationship it means that he doesn’t want a connection to which you both commit and call it a relationship.
If he has feelings for you and wants a relationship, he’ll let you know so, whether that’s directly or indirectly messaged to you.
On the other hand, if he doesn’t want a relationship (despite the feelings involved or not) and he tells you so directly, then trust his word.
When a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, listen to him, and believe what he’s telling you – Don’t fantasize, don’t get illusionary hopes or expectations about it.
2. He withdraws when the connection becomes emotionally intimate.
Emotions and feelings being experienced by both people it’s usually what become the initiator of a relationship.
He pulls away from you when things start to become serious between you two.
If he’s reluctant to the idea of a relationship, he’ll withdraw the moment there’s potential for emotional intimacy between the two of you.
- He avoids emotionally deep conversations.
- He doesn’t participate in activities that potentially lead to an emotional connection (e.g. meeting each other’s friends, family, etc).
3. He doesn’t invest emotionally in your connection.
Emotional investment in a relationship is one of the key elements and one of the fundamental values that characterize a romantic relationship.
It’s what makes it a romantic relationship, and a strong emotional connection: emotions and feelings.
If he doesn’t spend time with you, if he doesn’t make plans (be it long-term or short-term plans), if he doesn’t participate in conversations that include emotional depth to them, then he might not want a relationship with you.
Or, he’s scared of it, to say the least.
- He doesn’t initiate conversations or questions that could lead to an emotional connection with you.
- He’s only expressive and enthusiastic when it comes to sex (if that has ever been present in your connection).
- He’s emotionally distant and restricted.
4. He doesn’t text you consistently when you’re away.
Consistent communication is yet another solid base for holding or even starting a relationship.
If he doesn’t initiate contact and doesn’t express the need or desire to be in your presence (virtual, or in real life), he’s very likely to not be wanting a relationship.
- He doesn’t seem to be in touch with you.
- He only texts you if he needs anything.
- He rarely listens to your concerns nor asks you about them.
5. He seems confused: he doesn’t know what he wants.
When he doesn’t want a relationship, he also gives you mixed signals, giving you the clue that he doesn’t know what he wants.
It’s likely that you often hear him say he doesn’t know what he wants, or that he’s overwhelmed emotionally and he doesn’t like to be involved with anyone, etc.
This confusion often happens when he likes you but he doesn’t feel ready or doesn’t want a relationship with you.
- He avoids talking about the possibility of a relationship with you.
- He’s hot and cold, it’s making you confused as well.
- He never talked about exclusivity, or anything similar to it.
What to do when he doesn’t want a relationship? – Should I wait for him?
Usually, in an ideal situation where you’re dating the right person, your intentions and expectations from the connection are aligned.
On the other hand, you can feel stuck in a situation when you’re aware that your expectations from your connection are very different from one another.
In this case, you want a relationship, but he doesn’t. You might feel stuck, or even confused about it.
Should you stop talking to him if he doesn’t want a relationship, or just keep it friendly and ‘go with the flow’?
Here’s what to do if he doesn’t want a relationship:
1. Express your intentions and expectations about the connection with him (examples).
When it comes to romantic relationships and connections it’s very important to have your intentions and expectations communicated.
If he hasn’t verbally told you that he doesn’t want a relationship, then this is the first step you want to make: Have the “what are we” conversation in a respectful way.
You don’t have to pose the question “What are we?” to know his intentions. Let’s upgrade this a little!
Being upfront about your intentions is sexy, is confident, and is empowering (if he sees it as a turn-off, you might be dating the wrong person).
All it takes to let him know about your intentions or expectations from the connection with him is a simple line of words such as
“John, I like you a lot, and I’d like to be upfront with you about this. I expect this connection to be more than just sex, or partying every now and then.”
“You’re very dear to me, and I’d like this to be more than a casual/random connection. I don’t want to pressure you on anything, I just thought I’d share my expectations and give you room to share yours.”
“I expect our connection to be more than casual hookups now and then. I do understand if you don’t feel the same, and I’d like you to let me know what your thoughts on this are. No pressure x”
This will help you both have an adult conversation and will help you both clarify and manage your expectations avoiding heartbreak and tears.
2. Give him space to respond, and think about what you expressed to him.
Pressuring him isn’t going to allow him to be clear with his response to your message (whether you conveyed it in person or through text).
Give him room to respond, let him have his time to think about it.
This not only lets him think things through but also gives you a chance to reflect on his response.
You then can tell part of his maturity through the time he takes to respond, and the approach he has to your expression.
So, don’t rush nor pressure him into giving you a response as soon as possible.
Give him time to respond, and allow him to properly perceive the message you wanted to convey.
3. Make a decision to which you’ll stand by, even if it is to move on and cut him off.
You’re fair to express your intentions directly and respectfully. You’ve got his response, now it’s time to make a decision.
Of course, if his response to your expression is positive, then you can go ahead and enjoy a connection with a very good start (open communication).
But if he tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, then that is when you are put in a position to make a decision.
If you are aware that you won’t be capable of a connection with him any longer, and if the connection with him would hurt you – in some way – then it’s best for you to leave it there.
Friendships or FWB relationships where one of the two involved has feelings for the other are very difficult to maintain.
And despite your decision to keep it that and nothing more, you’ll eventually face heartbreaks that perhaps you didn’t foresee.
Since the relationship is out of the picture with you, he could move on to other relationships or “casual connections” which potentially lead you to feel heartbroken.
In some cases, he might tell you he doesn’t want a relationship but wants to be friends, and if you decide to go along with it, chances are it won’t end well.
Essentially, you’ll be seeing someone you want a relationship with, or have a relationship with another person. Of course, that can hurt a little (or more than that).
In this case, to avoid illusionary hope that someday he might change his mind, and to avoid potential heartbreaks, it would be best to stop talking to him.
Cut him off, if you feel like his presence in your life would bring more negative things than positive ones.
4. Communicate your decision to him: avoid ghosting him.
When/If you decide to cut him off (to stop talking to him) it’s only fair that you communicate this decision to him.
This is normal, especially when you want different things from the same connection.
Since you already let him know about your intentions and expectations, and he let you know about his, this will be time to let him know about your decision.
Ghosting is cruel. Any line of goodbye can work when compared to ghosting.
If you decided to get out of this connection, let him know.
Reasons why he doesn’t want a relationship
There are reasons behind every behavior. If he didn’t explain or verbally communicate his reasons to you, you’re left with plain assuming.
There are some common reasons why men don’t want a relationship, they make sense when you put them together along with the other dots he left behind.
Here are 6 reasons why he doesn’t want a relationship:
1. Past experiences.
A lot of people project their expectations and fears based on their past experiences in romantic relationships.
In this case, if he had a bitter experience from past romantic relationships he might see potential (or just project) for this relationship to be bitter as well.
2. Fear of commitment.
Fear of commitment is often one of the most common reasons why men don’t want a relationship.
He could be having low self-esteem, or simply projecting his fears from the past onto this connection, making him fearful of committing to any relationship at all.
3. He’s dealing with unresolved trauma or inner issues.
Dealing with trauma or inner issues is yet another reason why he might not want a relationship.
Having difficulty dealing with problems while romantically involved with someone can cause trouble to the relationship with that person too.
Dealing with trauma and/or inner issues can make the thought of a relationship overwhelming and exhaust for the one experiencing them.
4. He’s not ready for a relationship with anyone.
When a person isn’t ready for a relationship they’re likely to not want a relationship until they feel ready to get back to the dating life.
Not being or feeling ready for a relationship is quite normal and common in our society.
In this case, he might not be ready for a relationship with you or with anyone presented as a potential partner.
He likes having fun around, but he doesn’t want to settle yet.
He doesn’t want to be in a monogamous (or exclusive) relationship, instead, he wants to have connections with multiple people, be it sexual, emotional, or romantic.
6. He doesn’t see you fit together for a relationship.
This one is a hard pill to swallow. He could be into the idea of a relationship, just not with you.
In other words, he doesn’t see you as a partner for him.
This, though, doesn’t devalue you as a person, a character, as an individual. Just like you make your choices, he’s making his.
It does not mean that you’re not worthy of him, it simply means your tastes don’t match and you’re looking for different things from one another.
If he says he doesn’t want a relationship, will he change his mind?
If he says he doesn’t want a relationship, he might change his mind later on.
He might come back after pulling away, minds and situations change throughout the time.
However, you’ll be making a huge mistake if you think that it’s your job or duty to change his mind in this aspect, or even wait for him until he changes his mind.
Some of us make absolute decisions based on the momentary situation, emotional state, preferences, the flow of thoughts, and logic.
Those factors might change along the way due to time and experiences.
You might want a relationship with him now, but that doesn’t mean you’ll want a relationship with him after a year of not seeing him or hearing from him.
It’s the same for him as well. He might not want a relationship with you now, but he might want one after a year, more, or less than that.
He might not change his mind at all too.
This doesn’t mean you should sit and wait around for each other until “enough time” or “enough experience” has passed for you to become right for each other.
Move on. There are a lot of beautiful people out there, they’re beautiful inside and out.