There comes a point in your life, after the breakup when you feel the urge to text your ex.
No matter the situation, you always have a reason to text them: even if that reason can be accurate or not.
It’s a very stressful process that will either lead you to reconciliation or facing the truth and moving on.
Before texting, the first thing you need to do is decide what you want from this person or this relationship.
Is that text going to be an apology, is it a request to come back, or just a simple check? Ask yourself, if this text is going to be good for both of you.
If you’re not healed yet you will lead yourself to mixed signals and give mixed signals too.
I know that this situation might confuse you even more.
Hence, before making any decision, you’ll need to learn to balance the situation you’re in.
Here are 16 reasons why you should and shouldn’t text your ex:
1. When you’re not holding grudges after the breakup
Ending a relationship on good terms doesn’t mean that you can straightly go and text your ex.
If you still have feelings for them and haven’t been working on yourself, the situation will be more complicated.
When none of you hasn’t moved on yet, it will create angst and uncertainty for you and your ex.
The moment either you or your ex has completely moved on and healed, you’ll be able to reflect differently.
If you’re neutral about the situation, it will help you start all over. You have no hard feelings and you have no expectations.
You can be neutral, text them only on special occasions and keep the contact without underlying anything else.
If you’re transparent with your ex and yourself, texting them won’t hurt anyone.
2. You should text your ex to get a closure
It’s quite common to search for answers after a breakup..yes, quite normal.
Even if this is classified as not the most accurate to text an ex, do it if it helps you move on.
Instead of coping with the pain while binge-watching How I Met Your Mother, crying, and drinking, you can text for closure.
Texting to ask for closure from your ex can be a pivot for being good to yourself or solving misunderstandings.
This is not about putting your guards down or swallowing your pride. It’s about allowing yourself not to be stuck in limbo.
Whether you get a reply or not you’ll know your ex’s stance.
Extra tip: If you don’t get an answer or mixed signals, use No Contact.
This rule will help you detach from your ex and nourish yourself.
3. You should text your ex if you want to apologize
After the breakup, it’s hard for the dumper to accept the aftermath of their decisions.
It’s a matter of every individual how they deal with a breakup and how they take an action.
Apologizing is needed in both cases: whether you want your ex back or not.
Crafting an apology text can help you in two things:
- in freeing yourself from what you’re feeling;
- give your ex an apology;
This type of text will help both of you either turn a new page or try to reconsider your relationship.
Extra tip: Before sending an apology text try to know whether your ex has moved on or not.
Also, timing is very important.
If your ex hasn’t contacted you for years, apologizing can mix things up. It all depends on whether they have moved on or not.
Then you can know how to structure your text and you’ll know what to accept.
4. Text your ex so you can communicate things on
If you’re divorced and have mutual business or kids in between, texting your ex is normal.
Yet, you should be careful how you text. You should keep the communication simple and neat.
You can write a simple text to communicate about mutual responsibilities and be neutral.
“Hey Bill, today Sarah needs a lift. She has a party at Emma’s house. 7 pm be here.”
“A special lawyer called Bernie Johnson will come at noon in the office.”
Avoid using this opportunity to text your ex just to check on your ex or add misleading hints.
This will make your ex think:
- I won the breakup, she or he reached first to me.
- They’re again interested in me.
- I’m winning the breakup.
If you want to keep things only professional or steady, just focus on texting only simple information. Try to not get personal or emotional.
5. You can text your ex if you chose to stay friends
This is only accurate if you both agreed on staying friends and not continuing the romantic relationship.
If you keep vicariously living through your ex then you should avoid texting.
If they weren’t clear about their decision then you’ll end up in a worse situation.
They would either have still feelings for you and cannot stay friends or accept this type of relationship.
However, the moment both of you feel comfortable talking as friends, you can text to keep the contact.
After a certain time, you can consider just checking on your ex and keeping things simple.
Extra tip: You can text to check on them but avoid including reminiscing on your romantic moments.
6. You can text your ex when you want to reconnect
Texting your ex just because you miss them won’t help you to reconnect with them.
This way, you won’t be able to work things out, and getting back together won’t work.
You can text your ex to reconnect, only if you have a certain goal and you’ve worked on your flaws.
If you want your ex back then you should wait for some time to heal and reflect.
After you’ve already upgraded yourself, you can:
1. Start with an apology text if you were the one who cause the breakup;
2. Show them that you’ve changed;
3. Avoid texting your ex early in the morning or late at night. This will make them think you’re not serious about your attempt.
4. Check if what is their stance toward you;
7. You want to talk openly about your relationship issues
If the wound is fresh then wanting to discuss your relationship issues, won’t be a good idea.
The moment that you’ve already grown from your mistakes and feel ready to rekindle the relationship, text your ex.
It could be just a simple text when you list all the things that you want to talk about.
I know that after the breakup, this would be a huge step to take on your own.
Yet, if you’ve been receiving the same energy from your ex, you can add extra points.
Don’t make it sound like you’re still obsessed with your ex and can’t move on.
- Just try to list some certain points/reasons that caused your breakup;
- List the issues that you’ve worked on (e.g. your ego, communication, or commitment);
- Explain why you think you deserve a second chance;
- Show what would you do differently this time to enhance your relationship;
- If you’re the dumper you can show the advantages and disadvantages of being in this relationship.
8. Your ex shows continually that they’ve changed
Is it okay to text my ex? Yes, if your ex is willing to prove to you that they’ve changed.
If you feel like your ex will meet your expectations and you’ll both make the relationship work, then it’s pretty normal to text your ex.
You should check closely for signs that show the progress of your ex.
You should be aware that most exes are flexible to change in instant just to show off or get you back.
If your ex is persistent and tries gradually to win you back then you might text them.
~ If you still don’t feel ready you can text:
“Tim, I appreciate everything you do. Still, I need some time to process it.”
~ If you want to give it a try:
“Emily, I admire your will to change. Will be in contact.”
This way you’ll be neutral and leave some space for your ex to react.
9. Don’t text your ex if you’re feeling unloved/nostalgic
You should never text your ex if you’re feeling lonely and nostalgic.
The moment when you feel down, your texts will sound needy and desperate.
You’ll structure your texts around the melancholic feelings.
At this moment, your ex won’t take you very seriously.
I have to be a bit brutal but straightforward here- you’ll sound ridiculous to them.
The brain won’t think twice before sending texts such as “I miss you”, “I love you”, “Please come back”, and “Do you miss me?”.
In this case, it’s better to distract yourself with other things before hitting that send button.
Try to share your thoughts/feelings with your family or friends and keep journaling.
10. Don’t text your ex if they’re in a relationship
I would never recommend you to text an ex that is already in another relationship.
No matter if your ex is in a rebounding relationship or a serious one, texting your ex will make you and them confused.
If you still have feelings about your ex then texting them won’t change their mind.
Your ex is in another relationship either if they want to make you jealous or want to move on.
Insisting to text them and expressing your romantic feelings will pull your ex away.
They need that space to work on their feelings and sort them out.
11. When your ex is still extremely hurt
I know that you feel like you want to text your ex so bad, but if they’re still feeling emotional you should give them more time.
Texting them anything will make the situation worse and you won’t give them time to grieve.
If you cheated on your ex or if your relationship ended badly, it would take longer to process the feelings.
If you want to start texting your ex again your ex should be emotionally stable.
When you’ve been cheated then you should take your time to heal.
Don’t text immediately because you’ll cling to your ex and won’t be able to process the situation.
After being cheated, you’ll feel in denial, unimportant, and extremely hurt, but texting back or first will hurt you more.
12. You shouldn’t text your ex if they dumped you
When you’re dumped it takes longer to face reality and heal. When you text your ex first the recovery process will be prolonged.
If you text first the dumper right after the breakup, you’re going to boost their ego.
This way you don’t know what to expect. You would get hurt again and that would crush your self-confidence that was finally trying to be built.
It’s pretty normal to feel the urge to text your ex when you’re dumped. That’s because you want to know why or if there’s a second chance.
Instead of asking yourself if you should text your ex who dumped you, embrace your feelings.
Don’t search for the answers outside of yourself. Try to improve yourself to acknowledge your worth again.
Texting a dumper will only leave you ignored, will breadcrumb you, or you’ll be scolded.
13. You were a part of a toxic relationship
Once you’re part of a toxic relationship or have an abusive partner, that will somehow keep you in the past.
You want to text your ex because you’re used to getting their validation and them having you under control.
Thus, you shouldn’t text back because you’ll never get out of that loop.
You’ll never get the chance to heal and distance yourself.
To get a grip on this situation, mute or block your ex on social media or even their number.
Change your routine or your lifestyle. This will inspire you to focus on something new and not fall back into the old routine.
14. Don’t text just to have some sort of connection
If you want to text your ex just because you want to keep some type of communication, don’t do it.
You might have been distant for some time from your ex-partner but now you’re experiencing their absence.
You want them because you couldn’t find that warmth, attention, and love elsewhere.
In this scenario, you could have tried to distance yourself from them but you couldn’t.
Now, you want to text them because you just want to feel connected and receive the same attention.
If you’re feeling this way, avoid texting your ex or replying to them.
To distance yourself from this situation try to use No Contact and work on your loneliness.
15. They moved on already and never contacted you
It’s never the best moment to text your ex if you still love them and they’ve moved on already.
In this case, even a simple “Hi” or “ How you’ve been” would be inappropriate.
If your ex hasn’t bothered to contact you for a year or more, their feelings have already changed.
Even just the slighted and simplest text will make you needy or will negatively impact your ex.
If your ex has been using No Contact to move on and attract you again, you might text your ex.
It all depends on your stance and theirs towards you.
16. They stated clearly that they don’t want you
Texting after a breakup should be for a good/accurate reason.
When an ex states that they don’t want to contact them they mean two things:
1. They realized the relationship isn’t heading the right way;
2. They might have fallen out of love or don’t want to experience the same pain;
The moment your ex declares that they don’t want to interact with you ever again, you should avoid texting them.
You should respect boundaries that have been set by your ex.
At least, do it until you receive any type of sign that things might have changed.
How long should I wait to text my ex?
To know when to text your ex back depends on your type of breakup.
It doesn’t mean that you should sit and wait for the appropriate time to text your ex.
~If you’ve dumped your ex and now you feel the urge to text them, wait until they’re healed.
Take this time to heal yourself too. If No Contact is necessary to use, then try first the 30 days of it.
During these days, you’ll reflect on what you could have done differently and what was the source of your breakup.
This rule will help you to control your feelings and choose what’s the best.
~If you ended on good terms then you can choose to text your ex after you’re neutral about your relationship.
~If you’re not completely healed and your ex wants to reconnect, wait until you’re over the breakup.
It might take 30 days, 45 days, or more. It all depends on how bad the relationship was and how fast you’re acknowledging your feelings.
~If you text your ex after one year you should know that things won’t be the same as before.
You don’t know the emotional state of your ex, whether they have moved on or they have been dating someone else.
You would never know if they have the same respect or stance for you.
~ If you don’t know how long you should wait to text back, choose midday.
Avoid texting early in the morning or late at night.
If you text back during this period, your ex would think that you were waiting constantly to reply immediately.
Also, it’s the time when we feel more alone and distant from the outside world.
You’ve to wait for some time before you reply to your ex. At least you should wait a day.
This way you’ll give time to yourself to reflect on how you’re feeling towards that text and your ex.
8 texts to send to your ex: No matter what situation you’re in!
1. When you want to reconnect
“Hey Jim, how you’ve been. I’ve been thinking if you’re in for a coffee and a talk tomorrow afternoon?”
“You good Emma. Just wanted to congratulate you on your new job. I’m proud of you.”
2. When you want to get a closure
“Andrew, this is my last text, I just want to know why did all this happen suddenly?”
“Claire, from 1 to 10, how much did this relationship matter to you? Last question.”
3. When you want to apologize
“I know I made a fool out of myself these past few months. I just want to be brief.
I’ve hurt you by not being able to admit my mistakes and commit to the relationship. Can we talk?”
“I regret extremely that I’ve made you go through hell. I would like to turn a new page and I admit it was my fault.”
4. To get your ex back
If you want to know how to text to get your ex back, you need to be honest, playful, and straightforward.
Ask for help and use slight compliments:
“I’m about to choose a new car right now, I need your magical mind to choose for me.”
Reminisce on good times:
“I just went to Chick-Fil-A and chicken wings with barbecue sauce reminded me of you. Do you still like them?”
FAQ: Should I message my ex?
1. Why do I want to text my ex?
The urge to text your ex comes from nostalgia, loneliness, boredom, and wanting to relive the same moments.
Despite this, it could be the attention or validation that you need from your ex.
If you’re used to those traits then you’ll feel a sudden urge to text them so you can feel fulfilled.
2. Should I text my ex back?
Yes, you should text your ex back only if there are signs of reconciliation.
If your ex is willing to change and make the relationship work then yes you should text back.
When you have a controlling partner avoid texting back.
They only text you because they need your presence and have things under their control.
Don’t forget, every person and breakup is different. Try to choose bits of tips that fit you best.