You will feel a sudden urge to call your ex because of unresolved issues, trauma bonding, curiosity, or intrusive thoughts.
Therefore, you should text your ex only if this helps you to move on or if you think that there is a chance to reconcile.
Yet, you should never text if your ex doesn’t feel the same as you or if you want to take revenge on them.
There will be many consequences when you text your ex no matter the reason.
You might be disappointed, played, manipulated, or hurt.
And the aim of this article is to give you the solution to whether you should or shouldn’t text your ex:
1. You shouldn’t text your ex to play mind games
If you want to text your ex then the reason should be genuine because otherwise both of you will end up being hurt.
Instead of choosing manipulation to get your ex back, you can work on yourself first and then ask for forgiveness.
Also, if you were in a relationship with a narcissist, the pain that they instilled in you, triggers your negativity.
And if you want to text your ex because you want to take revenge, this is a traumatic response. You want to hurt them back, so you can start your healing.
- In this case, you shouldn’t text your ex. Try to cut contact with your ex, hang out more with your friends, and talk to a therapist.
- A therapist will help you to go back to the roots of your anger and pain.
2. When the breakup was cordial
If the breakup was amicable and civil and if both of you respected each other and the relationship then you should text them.
Yet, before texting them you should check the duration of the breakup and if any of you wanted to stay friends.
- Even if the breakup was mutual but you weren’t talking for more than 8 months then texting them would sound selfish.
- On the other hand, if you chose to stay friends then you should text them just to check up on them.
In the end, if you still act like you’re in a relationship (never broke up officially), you shouldn’t text your ex.
Because that will only confuse you and lead you to romanticize the relationship.
3. You should text your ex if you owe them an apology
One of the reasons that you want to text your ex might be to apologize to them.
Hence, before doing it, make sure that you are healed and that you have defined the reason why you’re apologizing.
You might want to apologize because you have this urge to get your ex back or change their mind.
- Instead of apologizing just because you want to reconnect, try to work on your feelings and grieve first.
If you’re pondering your decision because you’re healed and you feel that you have hurt your ex, then you should text them.
You can craft an effective apology if you are vulnerable and offer an explanation for your behavior.
Thus, apologizing to your ex might benefit you and them too. It will create a positive impact and maybe it will be the needed closure.
4. Text your ex if you want to communicate things
According to this research, 50% of divorced people maintained contact with their ex and others remained friends.
So, it’s appropriate to text your ex if you have mutual responsibilities and as soon as you draw boundaries.
Therefore, your communication should be neutral and should avoid revealing emotions.
A neutral text should include only information, any question, or communication regarding your mutual responsibilities.
“Hey Bill, today Sarah needs a lift. She has a party at Emma’s house. 7 pm be here.”
“A special lawyer called Bernie Johnson will come at noon in the office.”
5. If you’re feeling nostalgic, replace those feelings with happy ones
The moment when you feel down and unlovable, you need something to boost your ego and make you happy.
Now, you might think that only your ex will make you happy because you’re not entirely healed and you’re longing.
In this case, your texts might sound clingy or needy.
- Instead of texting your ex, try to write down what is connecting you with your ex.
- If you used to eat ramen with your ex then try to do it by yourself or with your friends.
- Beat loneliness by eating your comfort food and watching your favorite movie or tv show
The transition from lovers to friends should be smooth and linear.
That can be achieved only if you decide to take time apart and work on your feelings.
You should take the time that you need to break out of the pattern of your relationship.
Gradually, old romantic feelings will be replaced with new feelings.
I would suggest going no contact first and letting your ex know that you need this time apart.
During this time, you will go through the stages of the breakup when you will be angry, mad, sad, happy, and full of regret.
Yet, you will learn to connect more with the pre-relationship version of yourself.
7. When your ex proves that they’ve changed
If your ex has clear intentions with you and shows gradually that they have worked on their flaws, it’s ok to text them.
In this case, if you still love them then you should text them just to show your boundaries and your expectations.
E.g. If he had a problem with commitment then he will start slowly talking about the future and make more plans with you.
Now, you can text him to appreciate his behavior and communicate what you want and need in a relationship.
“I appreciate what you’re doing but since the breakup, I have changed too. I have another vision, so please if we can communicate over the phone.”
8. You shouldn’t text your ex when their new partner doesn’t feel comfortable
When the new partner of your ex is jealous then it’s better to not text them.
Thus, by not texting them you can avoid conflict and you can give space for them to create their new life.
Especially, if your ex doesn’t feel anything romantically about you, you should slowly embrace it and work on your feelings.
- If you’re curious about his new life or you wanted to continue the friendship, in this case, it is better to cut contact.
- Focus more on healing yourself while hanging out with new friends, taking a walk, and meditating.
- Mute or delete them from social media or any other platform.
Texting your ex immediately after cheating will make things even worse.
Now, your ex is hurt, and being cheated on can cause a lot of emotional distress.
They feel, angry, mad, hurt, and unlovable. It takes a lot of time to build up self-confidence and self-esteem after being cheated on.
So, you shouldn’t text your ex for at least two or three weeks until they start to be emotionally stable.
To understand more how someone feels being cheated on, you might communicate with a professional coach.
10. You shouldn’t text your ex if you have been dumped and hurt
I would not recommend texting the dumper first when you’re still hurting.
When you have been dumped you can feel unlovable and unimportant.
This will impact the way you craft your text. You text from a place of insecurity and fear of abandonment.
Therefore, you shouldn’t text your ex because you will be only confused even more or ignored.
To beat the urge of texting your ex, take the phone away for a while and take a walk.
Do more outside activities such as playing tennis, soccer, or camping, anything that can make you stay away from your phone.
11. You were a part of a toxic and abusive relationship
Once you’re part of a toxic relationship or have an abusive partner, that will somehow keep you in the past.
You want to text your ex because you’re used to getting their validation and them having you under control.
Thus, you shouldn’t text back because you’ll never get out of that loop.
You’ll never get the chance to heal and distance yourself.
To get a grip on this situation, mute or block your ex on social media or even their number.
Change your routine or your lifestyle. This will inspire you to focus on something new and not fall back into the old routine.
12. Don’t text just to have some sort of connection
If you want to text your ex just because you want to keep some type of communication, don’t do it.
You might have been distant for some time from your ex-partner but now you’re experiencing their absence.
You want them because you couldn’t find that warmth, attention, and love elsewhere.
If you’re feeling this way, avoid texting your ex or replying to them.
To distance yourself from this situation try to use No Contact and work on your loneliness.
13. Your ex has already moved on
You shouldn’t text your ex even for closure when they have already moved on because you will end up ruminating.
Overthinking will hinder the process of healing because if you are seeking closure that means that you haven’t moved on yet.
If your ex hasn’t bothered to contact you for a year or more, their feelings have already changed.
Even just the slighted and simplest text will make you needy or will negatively impact your ex.
If your ex has been using No Contact to move on and attract you again, you might text your ex.
It all depends on your stance and theirs towards you.
14. They have stated that they don’t want you
Texting after a breakup should be for a good/accurate reason.
When an ex states that they don’t want to contact them they mean two things:
1. They realized the relationship isn’t heading the right way;
2. They might have fallen out of love or don’t want to experience the same pain;
Now that you have got the answer, you shouldn’t dwell on it but set your boundaries and focus on the future.
Potential consequences of texting an ex
There are many potential consequences of texting your ex such as prolonging the agony, romanticizing the relationship, and getting hurt.
~If you text someone who dumped you before and maybe is a toxic ex, texting them will leave you even more miserable.
It will downgrade your confidence and it will hinder your healing.
You will go back to the point when you were at the beginning of the breakup.
Due to it, you will deal more with anxiety and depression.
This will lead you to develop more unhealthy habits such as drinking, smoking, or gambling.
~Additionally, if you were in a relationship with a narcissist, you will go through the same past trauma.
They will make you feel worthless and incapable of being loved by someone else.
~Whereas, if you have certain expectations from this text and those won’t be met by your ex.
Then, you will end up being hurt more and you will dwell constantly on your past.
A few techniques on how to communicate with your ex if you decide to do it
If you want to communicate effectively with your ex then try to be honest and communicate your needs and boundaries.
1. If you just want to reconnect with your ex
You can stay calm and be understanding.
“Hey Jim, how you’ve been? I’ve been thinking if you’re in for a coffee and a talk tomorrow afternoon?”
2. When you want to get closure.
Understand that you cannot control what your ex feels or thinks.
You can only state your thoughts and you should avoid using manipulative or offensive words.
“Andrew, this is my last text, I just want to know why did all this happen suddenly?”
“Claire, from 1 to 10, how much did this relationship matter to you? Last question.”
3. When you want to apologize
State your true intentions and do not use it as a manipulative tool or to victimize yourself.
“I know I made a fool out of myself these past few months. I just want to be brief.
I’ve hurt you by not being able to admit my mistakes and commit to the relationship. Can we talk?”
4. To get your ex back
Speak from the “I” and be yourself.
If you want to know how to text to get your ex back, you need to be honest, playful, and straightforward.
Ask for help and use slight compliments:
“I’m about to choose a new car right now, I need your magical mind to choose for me.”
Reminisce on good times:
“I just went to Chick-Fil-A and chicken wings with barbecue sauce reminded me of you. Do you still like them?”
How to handle a no response from an ex?
The first thing that you should do to handle a no response from an ex is to not look back and try to work more on your self-love journey.
~Second of all, you should take some time off any platform. Try to enjoy more outdoors and alone time.
Slowly, you will notice that you will gain self-confidence.
~On the other hand, try to be patient. If you are the one who constantly checked on your ex, now it’s their turn.
As you work on your patience, you can work on your self-confidence too.
Start saying no to breadcrumbing, learn to be assertive, and build new relationships.
~You should also give some time to your ex to grieve. Try to be understanding and put yourself in his shoes.
It depends on his personality and attachment style how they grieve and how long it takes.
~Embrace the fact that their silence tells you a lot and avoid double-texting.
To embrace the fact that they might have moved on you can focus on creating new memories.
It doesn’t mean that you should enforce it to happen. Just be more open to meeting new people and grabbing any kind of opportunity to enhance yourself.
The bottom line: Should I text my ex?
You should only text your ex if that benefits you and them.
It might sound cliche but if texting your ex harms any of you, the process of healing will be extended.
There will no positive outcome if you text them for a selfish reason such as to fulfill your needs.
If you want to cope with the breakup and fill those needs, you should allow yourself to grieve.
Surround yourself with positive activities and people, so you can change your mindset.
Changing your point of view can help you to focus and improve yourself more than manipulate or crave your ex.