Sometimes, life brings out the worst in us. The stress and problems bottle up and it affects us in the worst way possible.
And more often than not, our loved one is at the receiving end. And sometimes, these things are unbearable that cause us to separate.
And now, because of it, you don’t know how to proceed. As a starter, apologizing seems to be a good idea.
However, apologize only for what you are accountable for, and don’t take responsibility for what you did not do.
Here, let’s tackle this issue together!
Should I apologize to my ex after a long time since the breakup?
Before taking that step, you need to see if your apology does more good than bad. If it doesn’t it is not the greatest idea.
If it has taken you years to decide on whether to apologize or not, just leave it at that.
However, it is great that you have managed to acknowledge your wrongdoings.
Here are 5 reasons you shouldn’t apologize time after so many years:
1. You might set them back on their healing journey. There’s a chance you might disrupt their peace after they attempt to forget you.
In this case, you’d do more harm than you’d do good to them.
2. They might not want to be contacted by you. Your actions might have impacted their life negatively hence they don’t want a reminder of it.
3. Your apology is late. Sometimes it is better late than never, however, an apology this late can cause you both to re-experience the hurt.
4. It can look very selfish. A late apology can seem like you’re apologizing to lessen the guilt and free yourself from it, and not because you really feel so.
5. It can be seen as an attempt to get them back. Hence they’re likely to ignore the messages you sent.
So to apologize or not to apologize should be up to you. If you have done something that you need to apologize for, go for it.
Though before you do so, consider the benefits and the damage. Choose the decision in which the benefits weigh heavier on the scale.
Should I apologize after no contact? 3 ways to start an apology
An apology can have its benefits as well. If you made up your mind that an apology is needed, you can do it.
You might hesitate to do it after the no-contact rule.
It is often during this stage that you start to recognize and see patterns that weren’t there before.
If there is no other motive than apologizing for your wrongs to your ex, then you can apologize to your ex, even after no contact.
You can send them a short text that jumps straight to the point and clearly transmits the massage you want.
If you don’t receive a response, leave it there.
Here are 3 ways you can start your apology:
- “Hi [name], I know this might come a bit unexpected but I just wanted to apologize for X, Y, and Z. I know my behavior was disastrous and can’t be excused in any way.”
- “Good day [name]. I don’t expect you to reply to this message, but I wanted to apologize for what I did. It was totally out of character for me to act that way. I apologize for X, Y, and Z, and I didn’t mean to act the way I did… I wish you the best!”
- “Hey [name]. Sorry for texting you out of the blue. I just wanted to let you know that X, Y, and Z are not an excuse to have you treated the way I did. You did not deserve to be at the receiving end of my fury and for that, I apologize.”
The basics of an apology: 9 steps on apologizing
Once you make your decision on making an apology, there are a number of things you should consider.
Especially when it comes to apologizing after a fight, or after you ended the relationship as a result of the fight.
Here are 8 basics steps when it comes to apologizing:
1. Give them space to think about their feelings.
It is difficult to come out of a relationship clear-headed. It takes time until you fall at the right pace and get yourself back together.
Thus, don’t jump right away into apologizing without taking a break first.
You need to give him the time to think of the situation and decide what they want to do about it.
So wait a week or two until things settle and calm down a bit.
However, do not wait years to give an apology. It can cause more harm than it could cause well.
2. Take the time to figure it out yourself.
It is not only your ex who needs to figure this out, it’s you as well.
You need to be clear-headed when you approach them and know the reasons why. Don’t try to rush things that might compel an undesired outcome.
Some questions you can ask yourself are:
- Did this situation come up as a result of my behavior?
- What do I expect to come out of this apology?
- Am I ready to accept my own faults?
- What made me act out of character?
When you have this picture clear in your mind, that’s when you can initiate contact.
Think about whether you should give this relationship another chance or not. And if it is worth doing so?
3. Know what you want to apologize for before asking them for an apology.
Since you have had time to figure it out yourself it is easier to see what you did wrong.
Start by pinpointing what you’d like to address and put them as bullet points or take mental notes so that you do not forget.
To not get confused and take a part of the blame that might not be yours, take notes. Write down everything that you think you need to apologize for.
Practice what you want to say so you do not forget them and clear all the misunderstandings.
4. Apologize only for the things you did wrong.
Take responsibility for your actions and your actions only. Don’t make the mistake of simply saying “I am sorry. I was wrong”.
Be specific on what you believe were unthoughtful actions from your side. And address those only.
Don’t take responsibility for something you did not do and do not expect that from your ex as well.
You are not going there to throw the blame around but to apologize for yourself and yourself only.
Thus, do not set up a meeting under the illusion that they will apologize for their behavior too. Don’t let that cloud your judgment.
Apologize with the right intentions and await no expectations.
5. Send them an explanatory text.
After you have given yourselves time to cool off and think that this is the proper time to apologize, you can send them a text.
It is often not seen as very polite to apologize through text, however, if you see that they’re unresponsive to a face-to-face invitation, this is your solution.
On the other hand, if it’s been too long since the breakup, it’s best that you apologize through text if you have made up your mind to apologize.
Remember to be specific about what you are apologizing for.
Here’s an example:
- Hi [name], I wanted to apologize for my rash behavior from the last time. It was out of my character and I was having a bad day. Also, I apologize for the hurtful things I said. It wasn’t okay to talk to you the way I did. Once again, my sincerest apologies.
6. If you’re still in a relationship, ask them to meet face to face.
If they accept talking to you, set up a meeting for face-to-face interaction.
Go over your recognized wrong-doings and reasons that arose such a reaction from you. You don’t have to give an account for your actions and excuses.
The moment you start doing so, it is not an apology meeting anymore. A sincere “I apologize for this and that” works well.
Also, if you are looking forward to continuing your relationship, let them know and give them time to decide.
7. If you meet up, let them know you appreciate their presence.
They’re taking the time to come and meet you, so don’t take it for granted.
Part of a sincere apology is also letting them know that you appreciate the chance they give you to clear the air.
Be aware that you are the one that asked to apologize and don’t accidentally stray away from the initial intention.
So try not to give the unwanted impression that they’re at fault when apologizing and you’re doing them a favor.
He’s doing it to you and not vice versa. So be as comprehensive as you can, ask for forgiveness, and thank them for giving you the chance to explain yourself.
8. Try to be clear with the intentions as to why you called/texted.
Sometimes, actions are misinterpreted which then leads to high expectations that become disappointing when they meet reality.
So, try to explain in detail that leaves no room for interpretation about what you want to meet them, or why you’re apologizing.
If there are expectations, it is better to discuss them with your ex-partner before you create expectations that disappoint later on.
A good way to end things would be by telling them that you value your relationship and didn’t want to end things on a bad note.
9. Don’t revisit this apologizing period.
Once it’s done, it’s done. There are no ‘but-s“ or ‘when-s’. It is a chapter that must be closed and not reread ever again.
Don’t mention it since it might open up old wounds and unwanted memories. Just let it be in the past and don’t let it define you or your relationship(s).
Living in the past might negatively impact how you see things now and possibly have an effect on your relationship.