What do you define as a No Contact rule success story? Getting your ex back or finding your true self again as you move on from the breakup?
Going back to yourself, finding peace and calm after so many heart tremblings must be an important part of No Contact.
The No contact rule is effective the moment you realize that you should discover yourself throughout the process of moving on from the breakup while being distant from a potential distraction.
With one word, you shift your mindset from being focused on why your ex left you and how to get them back, into “I want to improve myself”, that change will attract your ex more than chasing.
Yes, this might work differently for everyone since you have different personalities, break-ups, different levels of involvement in relationships, and maybe all of you are in distinct phases of life.
Despite all that, this article will give you different situations, tools, skills, and other fundamentals to find the right approach to use the No Contact Rule.
The No Contact Rule Success Rate:
The only way to identify the rate of a successful No Contact is through the stories and personal experiences of people who practiced it.
With all the cases combined, the chances of the No Contact rule to work are 70-90%.
Irina, a 26-year-old woman from the UK was able to move on with her life (keep in mind during lockdown), after a few years after/while moving on she received an apology from her ex, intending to get back with her.
An anonymous friend of Christine Allen, 27: Christine shows how the No Contact rule can impact her friend to move on, once she knows the aim of using this rule.
Why Does the No Contact Rule Work? Does it Work All the Time?
If you wonder if the no contact works all the time then the answer is yes. It simply depends on what your aim is for going No Contact: moving on, or wanting to get back with your ex again?
One thing that you should keep in mind during No Contact is that first, above all, you need to focus your energy on yourself!
Then throughout the process, your ex might decide to get back or might not do so. By then you’ll have clearer thoughts on deciding whether it’s worth giving it another shot, or you’ve come so far to be disrupted.
Here are 10 reasons why the No Contact Rule is so effective:
- You are able to forgive yourself and move on with your life;
- You gain a new perspective on your relationship;
- You have the chance to go through different levels of grief, once the emotional overwhelming calms down, you’ll be able to see from a clearer lens;
- You’ll upgrade the level of self-confidence after the breakup;
- You give your ex some space. Whether that is to figure things out or outgrow his or her mistakes;
- You set some boundaries and now you are not taken for granted;
- You’ll have a chance to not blame yourself anymore for causing the break-up. You search and define other points that caused the breakup;
- You are all nourished and maybe don’t feel the absence of your ex, now you have a different perspective of how a relationship can be. Or in what type of relationship you would want to be;
- Your absence leads your partner either to be more attracted to you or to completely lose interest;
- Now both of you will be focused on things that you were missing while fighting, or never listening to what the other had to say;
- You and your ex have the chance to recover from being the opposite of each other. This doesn’t happen in a blink of an eye.
- It takes some time, according to your situation, to know how that period will help in healing your wound and upgrading you as a person.
Mistakes to avoid during No Contact: When the No Contact Doesn’t Work
From different emails and stories that we got from our clients during last and this year so far, here are the top 3 No Contact rule success stories:
Note: the names in the stories have been changed to not intrude on people’s privacy.
1. My ex texted me “Hey, I know it sounds weird but can we start again?”
The type of relationship: 9 months relationship
“I was in a relationship with a woman who has just gotten out of a crazy 5-year relationship with her husband. And in the beginning, it was all good and fun, at least that’s what I thought.
There were no signs that anything was off. We went on dates a couple of times, and even took a trip to Ohio. Just the two of us.
She was all happy and so was I. But then three nights after we came back from the trip, she told me that she needed some space and wasn’t ready to be in a relationship.
I tried to understand the whole situation but I couldn’t. I asked her if I did anything wrong during the trip or even earlier and she just chose to not answer. That led me to more confusion.
The next day, I wrote to her a text message: “ Is there anything I could do for you?” and she didn’t answer. I thought maybe I upset her somehow so I chose to wait for a week. Again, no answer.
I called her and left her a voicemail asking for her to communicate with me. Still, no answer.
A friend of mine told me about your page and No Contact, I had no idea what that is and that’s when I decided to write to you an email. Thought that this was my last chance to fix things, and I did!”
Why do I and Ben consider this as a successful No Contact Story:
Before introducing Ben to what the No Contact rule is and before advising him to not call, text, or even not interact with her on social media. On the first day of our session, I asked him to write some points why he thought the relationship was going well.
A few things came up along the way, and it turns out that things weren’t as happy as Ben remembered them to be. Generally, there was a lack of communication within the relationship.
I asked him to not contact her at all. Radio silence for 30 days at least.
Healthy activities during that time, self-reflection, self-education on relationships, and dating.
The main point was to not focus the energy on his ex, instead to learn from the relationship: to find ways to improve.
Of course, No Contact is no easy task, but by the end of the journey, the pain and tears are worth the success. Ben took a three-day trip on his own, he took the chance to reflect on himself and meet new people during this journey.
During that time he even decided to just close his social media so he cannot even have access to her profile.
His No Contact went for two and half months until she finally reached on the 4th of July and texted him “Happy 4th. I know it might sound stupid but these fireworks remind me of you. Can we start again?”
The moment that she said she wasn’t ready for the relationship meant that she was scared of her feelings for Ben.
But, yet, she was scared to admit that to herself and Ben since she was out of a 5-year relationship over a year and a half ago; and she was only 9 months in a relationship with Ben.
In her mind, the feeling of love and pain were related. So she was scared once she caught herself catching feelings again.
We aimed to make Ben confident again, reflect on this relationship and give his ex some space to reflect on her feelings as well.
Ben replied to her later that day (not immediately). And they met up to have an in-depth conversation about the whole situation.
2. “I realized that I do not feel the same about him anymore”
The type of relationship: Long-Distance Relationship
“Oh, gosh! Where do I start with my story? We were best friends for three years and then decided to date one another. After we started dating for almost two years he found a job in the UK and decided to move there.
I didn’t like the idea of an LDR, but we wanted this to work out, and we tried. I never in this world thought that he would break up with me just over a phone call.
To be honest that came shocking to me since during this week things seemed quite alright and we didn’t fight about anything lately.
We met as always three or four times in a couple of months. The last time that he came, went to the movies, even had dinner at my house, met his friends and then he left for Sussex.
I called him right after he arrived just to check how he is. But, still, he didn’t answer. I thought ok maybe he is just busy unpacking.
Then texted him and he replied: “Yo Cassidy, my phone died last night and I couldn’t answer”. I replied: “It is okay, just wanted to check you in, call me when you can”.
He called but after a day there seemed to be a huge void in our relationship.
He started to text less and less. I was worried and asked if we could facetime more frequently but he would say that he was busy most of the time.
I called and asked if there was anything wrong and he was a little bit angry why I was asking that.
After a few attempts to communicate with him, he said to me: Cassidy, you were the one that wanted to be in a relationship. I was just still processing my feelings but didn’t say anything. I need some space and some time right now. I am not 19 anymore.
I felt my heart shattering but I didn’t insist. I let it end there, his way…”
Why do I and Cassidy consider this as a successful No Contact story?
Scarcity creates value. When we first started, as many of you, Cassidy was skeptical about whether the No Contact rule was going to work or not.
At first, I explained that LDR is a normal relationship but that it functions differently.
I notified her that it is quite natural to somehow lose attraction or interest at some point in a long-distance relationship, and in any relationship honestly. People constantly change and grow.
My mission through No Contact was to make Cassidy first focus on what could she have missed through this relationship. And bring out the feelings she was trying to suppress to avoid pain.
After a bit of reflection on the situation, it seemed that Cassidy was always the one to initiate and push all the things. She said the first I love you, most of the time she initiated the trips and when meeting with her ex, dreamed a lot about this relationship.
Cassidy took her time to process her feelings and to focus on loving herself, accepting, and appreciating the other presents in her life.
She started doing things she forgot she once loved to do, like climbing, dancing, and going out more.
30 days went by, and Cassidy was already able to see her potential to grow and learn from the relationship.
She was so clung to her ex and in the idea of making that relationship work so she couldn’t realize what a reciprocated love in a relationship was.
She hit the 45+ days of No Contact and realized that she had been missing a lot from life. After 45 days her ex wrote her a paragraph asking her if they could have a facetime.
After a week of not thinking about that message she emailed me saying: “Callisto, I guess you made me find the right path through No Contact. I couldn’t realize that I was so clung to him and couldn’t make the difference between love and infatuation.
What I feel for him is just a friendly love and nothing more or less. Now I am ready to focus more on myself and learn what true love is.
P.S I texted him back letting him know I’ve moved on, and that I wish him the best.”
3. “I noticed that I didn’t want to be part of a vicious circle anymore and I should do something for myself”
The type of relationship: Have been married for 6 years to a narcissist
“ My story is a little bit different from what I have come across on the internet. I was trying a lot of things but didn’t make any progress since I always found myself at the same point where I started.
At first, I was too shy to talk about it. I mean I am a man and I am not good at expressing my feelings. But then I asked some of my friends.
From time to time I met with some therapists, tried to read a lot of books but yet couldn’t come to the proper solution of what to do to get over my narcissistic ex.
My coworker knew what I was going through all the time and introduced me to your website.
I have read some of your articles about relationships and breakups and decided to book a session to talk about my matter.
Here are some things to know about my relationship:
- Been married for 6 years;
- Have gone 4 times on and off relationship;
- Have blamed me a lot and felt like a loser for not being able to make my ex-wife happy;
- We share a house and the business;
- I always felt like there is no other like her;
- Have been abused emotionally and verbally;
- She didn’t want to have kids with me;
- When I said that I wanted to divorce her at first she kept refusing and then said we could be just friends.”
Why do I and Anthony consider this a successful story?
Anthony was living with a narcissist for years now and all he was doing was blaming himself until he decided to file a divorce.
He talked about this with his wife but still couldn’t get the results he wanted then asked for our help.
At our first session, I warned him about two things. Since his case was a lot more difficult than others, I wanted him to have some patience throughout the process. Because this would take a lot longer than usual.
I warned him that his ex will come back a lot of times throughout the time while divorcing and may not accept the fact that she’s not going to control him anymore.
I advised him to leave home first, not tell anyone where he was staying (maybe one trusted friend), block his ex in any type of form, and change his number. The best thing that he could do was to communicate with her through his lawyer.
His ex found every way to communicate with him, through his friends, his colleagues, send gifts to his workplace, and tried to convince him in every way possible.
But, after constantly denying her gifts and presence for almost two years, his ex started to withdraw and not bother him to the extent she did before.
I advised him to not jump into a new relationship immediately until he is completely freed from the claws of his narcissistic ex, and from the trauma he experienced during the marriage.
It’s like he had to learn love all over again.
Throughout the No Contact rule, Anthony learned to not explain to his ex why he is being distant since he has been explaining his behavior to her for years.
During this process, we aimed to give Anthony peace of mind and break the chains of a controlling partner.
We started his session at the end of November 2020 and at the end of December 2021 he was able to cut off the ties with his ex until he ends the process of divorce.
Is the No Contact Rule the best to deal with a breakup?
Yes, the No Contact Rule is one of the best ways to deal with a break-up since it allows you to go back to your roots and understand where your state of being is coming from at the moment.
No chocolate cake, crying, begging and pleading, screaming, crying, wanting to be better because of your ex, shouting, dating other people right away.
Being desperate won’t make your ex stay or change their mind. There’s nothing wrong with being desperate as long as you acknowledge that state and decide to grow from it.
One important thing before going No Contact is knowing that you’re not doing it to specially get back your ex or take revenge on them.
You can look at No Contact as an opportunity to create your own space after the breakup, cut ties with your ex but at the same time not act desperate and confused.
-Instead of being all bitter and begging your ex to come back: You can be distant and give your ex the space to reflect after the breakup.
-It prevents you from making instant or wrong decisions.
If your ex wants to just be friends with you and you consider this but at the moment you aren’t sure what to do, then you might let your ex know that you will consider it but first, you need some space (i.e. No Contact).
You go for as long as you feel healed and ready to be friends with him or her. If that doesn’t hurt your restart.
-Instead of focusing on your wound during No Contact you’ll focus on a new start. You set a new mindset for yourself.
–Being in distance won’t get you hurt. Your focus will be on improvement, rather than being distracted by something to give you hope on illusion.
~No Contact helps you go through the pain and find the ease and joy in focusing on other things than the subject (your ex).
In other words: What should I call a successful No Contact story? Should I go for it?
Remember that all relationships work differently and the advice that you’ll encounter in this article might be partly or fully accurate for your type of relationship.
It is true that during this process you miss your ex and want to go back to relive good moments. That’s understandable because you’re overwhelmed by strong emotions. No Contact prevents you from making mistakes due to mercurial moods you might find yourself in during this period (i.e. break-up).
Before starting No Contact, educate yourself on it; read as much as you can from reliable sources and ask help from (also) reliable sources (e.g. relationship/dating experts).
Take care, be kind, and always choose what’s best for your soul before cutting off or jumping into a relationship.