Here we have a billion-dollar question: What is the meaning of No Contact?
Does that mean no touching, no kissing, no texting, no calling, no meeting, no chirping, or even not interacting at all with your partner? Well… yes. Something along those lines…
No Contact Rule represents the time through which you don’t have any communication, connection, and/or interaction with your ex-partner after the relationship with them has ended.
In a few words, the No Contact is a form of disconnecting to have time for yourself to heal, reflect, and grow from the relationship/breakup.
That being said, you have your reasons for this disconnection: Disconnecting with your ex for a week, a few weeks, or months doesn’t mean you’re ghosting them (i.e. disappearing without giving them a reason).
The No Contact Rule after the breakup usually can last from a week to some weeks, to up to 30+ days.
People often start with the thought that through this method they’ll eventually get their ex back (which they often do), but then something magical during this journey happens, and they end up having other intentions than the initial one.
Let’s find out, shall we?!
Before jumping to 15 tips on how to start the No Contact Rule, let’s make the difference between No Contact Rule, Ghosting, and Silent Treatment!
Highlighting the difference between No Contact, Ghosting, and Silent Treatment
These techniques might sound the same in essence but they are quite different in implementation and results.
Ghosting – stands for disappearing from the person’s life (usually cutting off contact online) without warning or without providing a solid reason for the action.
The one who’s been ghosted is left feeling confused, with a lot of unanswered questions in their head until (if) the person who ghosted them comes back.
No contact Rule – a period through which you don’t have any communication, connection, and/or interaction with your ex-partner after the relationship with them has ended.
In this case, you let the now ex-partner know that you’re not going to reach out to them for that particular period, and you don’t want them to reach out to you for that particular period.
Is a more straightforward way to redeem yourself or even see if your partner will outgrow his mistake or previous decisions.
The main thing that makes the No Contact Rule differ from ghosting is that during the No Contact Rule you’ll let your ex-partner know why you’re taking this step.
Silent treatment – refers to the silence through which the “hurt” partner shows dissatisfaction for their partner’s wrong/hurtful behavior.
This means they’re going to look angry/sad/mad, but they’re not going to talk about it even if the other partner tries to reach out to them.
This is usually one of the early signs of a controlling partner. However, some people are used to this way of ‘communicating’ their feelings. In whichever case, it often leads to toxicity in a relationship, and it’s not healthy behavior.
15 tips to follow on how to go No Contact with your ex:
* These ‘No Contact Rule’ tips are applicable for both types of people: the one who ended the relationship and the one who got broken up with by their now ex-partner.
1. Cut off all contact with your ex-partner: no texting, calling, or even replying
You must set your mindset to it: you’re going to be strong and do this the right way, you’re going to resist the urge.
Committing to the No Contact Rule can be painful, especially, at the beginning of this period. But if you want it to work out and get results, you have to stay strong and stick to your decision.
You need time, space, and quiet so that you can reflect and grow from the relationship: don’t answer his or her calls, don’t reply to their texts, and don’t initiate texting or calling.
2. Take your ex off your social media and delete his or her number
The right way to start the No Contact Rule is by deleting your ex-partner from your social media and even his/her number. It will soothe the urge to try and reconnect with him or her, here’s how:
– You don’t get to see everything they post, which will be helpful because you won’t be getting reminders of how good they were.
– You’ll get the space you need to clear your thoughts and have a better vision of the entire situation.
– You can get to focus on other things, and there’s a lower chance of getting distracted by a picture, or a scroll through the text conversation with them.
~ You might block your ex in some specific cases: when you are in a toxic relationship or you feel like you can’t control the urge to stalk your ex.
Note: Resist the urge to stalk them on social media after you deleted them. Stalking your ex-partner on social media will hold you back on your journey of healing, so stick in for a little longer!
3. Avoid frequenting the same places as your ex
You’ve been in a relationship with them, you already know their favorite places. You want to avoid frequenting the same place, especially if you know for sure they’ll be there.
Again, your thoughts are a little cloudy especially right after the breakup. You’re going to need time to clear up those clouds because you’re emotionally overwhelmed right now.
To clear up those clouds you need space and time away from your ex. You won’t get space and time if you see them.
4. Start to embrace and accept the grieving process
One important step when you enter the No Contact Rule is to accept this state of vulnerability and acknowledge the (painful, yet true) fact that your relationship is over.
This is pure sadness, disappointment, and grief: you lost someone you love. Now what you have to do is let your body and mind manifest this grief, let it experience, and let it have the symptoms.
Don’t try to suppress it. Just let your feelings go and observe the pureness of the state you’re in.
5. Surround yourself with friends and family
Being close to friends and family and spending more time with them will help with not focusing on your ex.
Surrounding yourself with good people that love you, that care for you is an amazing way to remind yourself of how lovable you are and how deserving of care you are.
Visit them, have a trip together, go camping or watch old videos of yours! Do any activity with them that will help you focus on yourself and your happiness.
You will start to notice the changes even after a week, it will be some sort of a boost and it’ll help you decide on whether you stay friends with your ex, rekindle your relationship, or even end it entirely.
6. Go take a trip and meet new people
After you have taken the first steps of entering the No Contact Rule, you can take a trip by yourself, with family or friends. Go visit some places and meet new people.
This is another way of reminding yourself of the good things in life, the things you once appreciated but forgot because of devoting your time and attention elsewhere.
7. Change your everyday routine
Do not include your ex in your daily routine. If you know that you two ate breakfast together at home or some certain restaurant, then go to a new place.
Challenge yourself to eat something else, try new dishes and new restaurants.
Being close to new things slowly withdraws you from your ex and the thoughts about them.
8. Give yourself a chance to set new goals or even follow a dream of yours
Go and follow the dreams you put in your drawers after meeting this person! The best way to distance yourself is to have something new to focus on and look for ways to improve yourself.
It can be a new hobby, you can enroll in a new college, seek a better job opportunity, or start a self-reflecting journey through which you face your fears and challenge yourself into better ways of living.
There must be something that makes you feel free and alive out there! If you don’t know what it is, find it, and let it set you free. Look within yourself, it’s there waiting to be discovered.
9. Write down whatever you’re feeling
Have you ever written down your thoughts? It can be anything. Thoughts on a small piece of paper, on your journal, at the corners of book pages.
Whatever’s making you angry about this situation, whatever’s making you sad, joyful, or grumpy: write it down and burn it!
Write down about what you’re grateful for, what makes you happy during these difficult times; keep those writings as reminders.
10. If you live together, pack your bags and go somewhere else for some time
Oftentimes couples get stuck with each other because of their ‘apartment situation’. Keeping the No Contact Rule is a different level of difficulty if for imposed reasons you’re stuck living with your ex.
Go live somewhere else with your friends or family. There must be someone out there who’d offer a solution until you find a place to stay.
11. If you have a kid together try to take this process with small steps: prioritize your child’s happiness and wellbeing
Following the No Contact Rule when you are married and have a kid is very difficult. You can use these tips but do it in a much-simplified form.
Since you do not want your kid to be in the middle of this, try to meet them up less and interact with them only when you have mutual duties when it comes to your kid.
12. Do not tease or bother your ex just because you feel the urge to interact
If you want to follow the No Contact Rule you should not send mixed signals to your ex.
Don’t try to make them feel jealous for ‘making you let them go’ or ‘them letting you go’. Instead, try to see this period as a way for your healing journey.
Your ex is doing better than you? So what?! Let them be. Let them be better. Your time will come too, you’ll get better but because you want to for yourself, not pretend you’re fabulous for ulterior motives.
13. Prepare for this to not be easy
It will be painful. There’ll be times where you think this will never end, and there’ll be times where you think that things are never going to get better than this.
It does. It does get better, you’ll get through this, and you’ve got this.
You’ll get urges to call them just to hear their voice again, you’ll miss them like hell, you’ll want to know what’s going on with them. It’ll almost kill you inside. You might get numb from the pain.
But it will pass.
I know that the person who once was very familiar, who presented a source of love to you, now feels strange. They’re there, but you can’t reach them. It’s painful.
You’re taking this time to comprehend this, you want to go through this, to see clearer, and find what you lost along the way. Remind yourself that you’re doing this for yourself, and you’ll make it just like millions of people did.
You might or might not get your ex back, but there’s one thing certain for sure:
You might just not want them back. Reasons?
You saw the situation as it is, you went through the pain, and the overwhelming feeling that blurred your vision is gone. Now you can see clearer, you can think clearer.
The quality of your thoughts is better now. You see the amazing traits you have, you see the amazing person within.
There’s been enough distance from your ex to have a chance to see them too, to see them from far as a distant memory. To see them fresh, like you’d see a loved one’s partner. Now you’re able to tell if they’re good for you.
15. Break the silence – Communicate your decision
The moment the breakup happens, you feel like you have lost the most important person in the world and yourself too.
The No Contact rule has the power to help figure out things and have a new POV on you and your ex. Once you are all nourished and your breakup wasn’t that bad then you might initiate a simple text to just check on your ex.
But if you came to the conclusion that your feelings have changed or that moving on from that relationship was the best thing then it is not necessary to communicate your feelings or final decision.
Your actions and distance will speak louder than words.
What to say or do before no contact?
It is quite natural to wonder if you should communicate to your ex that your going No Contact or just implement it without any notice.
What to say or do before No Contact all depends on the circumstances the two of you broke up.
~ One thing that you might do is accept the fact that this breakup happened and things might never be the same.
~ Don’t beg or plead and then turn to passive-aggressive behavior. Instead, prepare for the pain, and when you feel that won’t push you to do instant mistakes.
~ If you feel that you need to change things in your life after the breakup, don’t overthink the decision of using the No Contact Rule.
~ If you two had broken up because of a silly argument and your ex informed you that they needed some space to just reflect on your relationship. Then it is best to tell them that you are
~ If you had a heated argument and this left you torn to pieces then it is better to just accept the breakup (or that the relationship has ended) and start No Contact to just focus on yourself.
~ If your ex wants you to stay friends after the breakup and you don’t feel like it, you might inform them that you need some distant time. Don’t think it this way that you are justifying to your ex.
In this case, by letting them know that you are going for No Contact, you will give them a signal that things and feelings might change. When you are all healed then you will let them know where you stand in this relationship.
Note: But, be careful. As you do, the feelings and opinions of your ex might change too. They might date some other people or even move on. The most important thing to do is focus on changing yourself first.
~ Even if you are the one who has been dumped or the dumper prepare to make mistakes while using this rule. Learn how to be in control of your urge to contact your ex before healing properly.
If you can’t help it, replace your thought of going back to your ex with a new activity that helps in enhancing yourself.
~ Be prepared to face the fact that your routine will be completely changed and you will get out of your comfort zone.
When to use the No Contact rule & How long does it take No Contact to Work?
You should use the No Contac rule after the breakup when you don’t know how to react or even how to deal with it.
When a person breaks up with you then usually they have been preparing for this for some time. Even when they didn’t communicate this with you and you might have been blindsided towards this issue.
After the breakup, communicating gain will seem so simple to you and the easiest way to reestablish your relationship. But for your ex isn’t the same since they are enjoying the freedom of being single and breaking up with you.
1. Use the No Contact to not push your ex away, raise attraction and improve yourself.
The male and female psychology is the same when it comes to the No Contact Rule. The breakup doesn’t hit your ex at the beginning. They think that they are good being on their own now and will enjoy the time of being alone.
If you go No Contact then it will take weeks or even months for your ex to start and miss you and ponder their decision.
But, if you go immediately begging them to come back and communicate here and there, you don’t give them the opportunity to know what its like to not have you.
2. Going accidentally on No Contact. Maybe you have accidentally not texted or called them after the breakup because you were devastated and didn’t know what to do. But, during those days or weeks, you were able to tell that you needed this time on your own so you can reflect on everything.
3. When you feel messed up and you want to find a way to re-establish yourself and your relationship.
After the breakup, you need some type of motivation to find the will to move on. As you use No Contact you shift your mindset from ‘worrying about getting your ex back’ to ‘ levitating yourself’.
This is what hits the dumper after some time. Not having your attention and presence raises their curiosity and leaves room to miss and be attracted to you once again.
4. You want to end things for good with your ex. The No Contact Rule is the best one that gives you the chance to focus on what a good relationship is. If you are part of any toxic relationship, using No Contact will help you in the healing process.
How long does it take No Contact to work?
– The length of the No Contact Rule is based on the length of your relationship. That’s because it takes more time to reflect on a relationship that you spent more time on.
– Take your time, it can be from a week to months, to years. Whatever your decision is, it’s important that you communicate that to your ex-partner. Let them know you won’t be responding or initiating conversations.
~ It all depends on the type of relationship and how long it takes for you to heal but first choose the 30 days. During the first 30 days, you will have the chance to redeem yourself and heal.
30 days No Contact rule is like a pivot for knowing your pain and coping with it. Also, it is a period when your ex just starts to either notice that should outgrow his or her mistakes and ponder their decision.
~ In case you had a terrible breakup (i.e. with a narcissist ex or an abusive ex-partner) and the relationship was falling off then the No Contact will take longer. It might take 45+ days up to 60 or 90, or more.
Due to these circumstances, one cannot heal for a short time and reflect on whether to be in that relationship once again. That is why No Contact lasts longer while you make the decision to end the relationship or redeem it.
Does the No Contact Rule work to get your ex back?
It depends on the way you see the No Contact Rule and which is your aim for using it.
Everyone is different. Someone uses it to redeem or rebuild oneself whereas someone else uses that to get an ex back.
In a lot of cases, the No Contact Rule gets your ex back, yet in a lot of other cases you’re the one not wanting to get back after the No Contact Rule is over.
An ex will always come back to you out of curiosity, to tease you, see if there is some second chance, or that they have changed their mind about the breakup. The reasons are quite the same for males and females.
Once you focus on yourself during this period and aim to improve yourself then that’s what raises your ex’s curiosity to see how you’re doing on your own.
How to use the No Contact Rule to get the ex back?
That cannot be guaranteed. But, if you use the No Contact rule properly and you end your contact for some time that will help your ex to:
1. Get some space;
2. Raise his/her curiosity about you;
3. Prevent adding or getting negativity in this relationship;
4. Reflect on his or her mistakes.
5. Try to control the urge of not contacting during this period, maintain the no contact rule.
6. Focus on improving yourself;
7. Don’t overthink and focus on what your ex is thinking during the No Contact period, whether your ex is missing you or if he/she is hurt after the breakup;
8. If your ex didn’t contact you even after the No Contact Rule it might be for different reasons yet you should initiate a text to find out how your ex feels after implementing this rule.
9. Be neutral but at the same time raise your ex’s curiosity by telling bits of what you have been doing. Avoid accusing them about the breakup or even blaming them for what you’ve been through.
10. Don’t have expectations and be prepared to face the outcomes whatever the position or answer of your ex might be.
Your ex will get back after No Contact if he/she is mature enough to face the mistakes or if she/he feels ready to restart or sees a happy future with you.
FAQ: Will I heal or change my way of thinking by following the No Contact Rule?
1. Should I announce no contact or just silently go no contact?
If you are the dumper then you should give some reason that your ex will understand why you will not contact her or him for some time.
But, if you are dumped then it is not your responsibility to announce to your ex whether you are going to use the No Contact Rule.
2. Do men like the no contact rule?
Well, this is a rule that can’t be likable to men or women. It doesn’t make a difference.
But, at one point men like this more than women. Since it gives them space to go on and continue with their life or date other women and then get back to the woman if she gives them the chance.
That doesn’t mean that men like that as a method to keep them, kind of ‘force’ him to be with you or even make him pursue you.
3. What if my ex contacts me while being in No Contact?
It is completely a different thing if your ex texts or breaks the silence first after the No Contact.
If your ex contacts you while being in the No Contact Rule, then do not respond. This is for your own good and healing.
Responding will contribute to holding you back or even getting you to start from the very beginning.
Especially if your ex texts something like: I am sorry for all of it but I’ve changed! But this person has done this a couple of times, then, in this case, you should not reply at all!
Keeping the distance from your ex is a technique to change or heal yourself and your partner.
But, it doesn’t work on everyone the same. You can use it the way you feel that it will adjust the best to your situation!