Being out of a relationship always hurts and you always search for a way to mend it.
Hence, different techniques don’t work the same for every type of relationship.
If you were in a relationship with an avoidant then making them miss you is harder than with other types.
Either if you ended the relationship or vice versa, the moment you will keep pursuing them again, they will pull back.
Especially, if you have an anxious attachment style and you need to have instant access to your ex.
This feels like two worlds are clashing. You need to contact them whereas they don’t.
That’s because that’s their safe place and they are afraid of feeling too much.
When you’re anxious, the avoidant ex tends to do the opposite of you.
Before jumping to 11 tips, let’s learn some facts about avoidant attachment style.
A short explanation of an avoidant attachment style
The avoidant attachment style is the total opposite of the anxious type.
When you have an anxious attachment style, you tend to communicate the first after the breakup.
You do it because you are lonely and anxious, you just want to fill that void.
On the other side, a person with an avoidant attachment will feel the void by detaching.
Once they start to adjust with you, they take the comfort of a relationship for a relationship is not working.
That’s because they tend to have a lot of trust issues and fear being too close with you.
Backed by science, this research paper claims that the attachment style has a great effect on adults and how they navigate life.
It’s something that has been instilled in them long before joining relationships.
To know how to have the proper access to your avoidant ex and retract them, here are 11 effective tips:
1. Give them the needed space to reflect
For an avoidant type having their own space after the breakup is quite important.
This is how they gain the needed confidence and will to restart everything.
Unlike, those who have other attachment styles and want to be pursued after the breakup, avoidants don’t.
If you try way too hard that will push them away even more. Any simple contact will make them run.
In this case, you need to maintain some type of balance. You don’t need to be too hot or too cold.
Use the No Contact Rule so you can detach and focus more on your self-development.
Only, by creating a better version of you will be able to retract your avoidant ex.
2. Try to understand their way of thinking
When you want to make an avoidant miss you and get them back, you need to understand how they think.
Understand why they behave the way they do and try to put yourself in their shoes.
They need some time apart just to see the value of being vulnerable and being connected.
It’s not that they don’t want to reconnect and be pursued again. They are just afraid of being adjusted to the love that they might lose.
If you keep constantly contacting them or being clingy, they will block you without making any interaction.
Fear of rejection and abandonment is what drives them.
You can take a grip on this situation by receiving a specific plan from specialized coaches.
Their advice will be based on a daily plan but also it is required you to fully engage too.
By following these steps, you will be able to have the right approach and reattract your ex once again.
That’s because understanding their brain and how they think, requires some time.
3. Focus on yourself
The most important thing to have in mind when you want to make your avoidant ex miss you is self-development.
You need to make sure that you have nourished and moved on.
The moment they realize that you have moved on then they will feel like they have the space to reach out to you.
They are used to the idea that as soon as they get to know you and be close, they will be afraid that you will leave them.
That’s why while you are rebuilding yourself in the meantime you create some sort of comfort for them.
That’s because you allow them to experience your worth from a distance.
They might show interest in pursuing you again but the moment you show interest then they might not want you again.
4. Define how you can make them feel secure
To make your dismissive avoidant ex miss you, you need to create a safe aura for them.
That doesn’t mean that you need to stay close to them or reassure directly them of your love or compassion.
You are going to make clear your intentions to them by
- Reassuring them that you understand that they are adults and can take care of themselves.
You need to give them space to feel secure and understood.
In this situation, they might say that they’re done with you but still hold on to you in a way.
That’s because they’re constantly dealing with the need to make sure that you will not leave.
- Learn to fix your way of communication. This doesn’t mean that you were doing anything wrong.
Just there is a unique pattern of communicating with an avoidant ex.
Their views of dating and being in a relationship are quite paradoxical.
They want to date but still want to enjoy time on their own.
Leave them to enjoy time on their own. If you have an anxious attachment style then occupy yourself with anything.
Thus, you will have something to focus on as you leave some space for them to reflect.
5. You can ponder their decision of being friends
One thing that can make an avoidant come back is by leaving them to understand your importance in their life.
Thus, an avoidant type never admits that they have been pondering their decision or they want you back.
It’s not that they can’t admit it but because they are so independent they think their resentment is obvious.
They would ask you to be friends because they will still want a second chance with you.
- Be patient and respect their boundaries.
- Do not pressure them or control what they will do or say.
- Show them that you care but you are going to detach from them for a while.
Using tactical empathy, will get you to make them feel important, let them heal, and want you back.
6. Try to avoid going to the same places
If you want to get back after a breakup with an avoidant ex, you need to avoid meeting them “accidentally”.
I can understand that when you feel nostalgic or realize that you want them back, you want to meet them.
On the contrary, you need to let them feel what they feel without meeting them.
This includes also avoiding hanging out with mutual friends for a while.
Even if this isn’t the reason for meeting up with mutual friends, an avoidant ex will take it as that.
In this case, you don’t need to sit and wait around for your ex to come back.
Instead, as mentioned earlier, go on with your life. I know that it’s not easy and it can’t have positive results immediately.
Hence, try to meet new people and explore new places. Create new experiences.
7. Making them jealous won’t work
With other ex-partners, making them jealous might work to some extent. Hence, making an avoidant ex jealous will push them away.
Since people with this type of attachment are independent, they won’t be triggered by mind games.
That’s why trying to use the same technique with them won’t work, especially with dismissive avoidants.
They don’t want to pursue it after the breakup because they need time on their own to recharge.
Whereas, fearful avoidants like to be chased after them.
In this situation, if your ex has a fearful avoidant attachment style, okaying games’ mind makes them miss you.
8. Respect their boundaries or requests
If you want to know how to re-attract an avoidant ex you need to respect their needs and boundaries.
When they request to not contact them for a while then it’s important to not
You need to make sure that you are respecting their decision but you
Also, you might want to inform your avoidant ex about your boundaries too.
The moment both of you know about one another’s requests, taking some time apart will help in healing and mending.
You can’t make your avoidant ex regret their decision if you keep crossing their boundaries.
On the contrary, they will feel like they need to cut communication with you.
9. You won’t get their attention by posting on social media
The urge to post on social media after the breakup is massive. I know this feeling and is nothing to be embarrassed by.
You want to let your feelings out and you find it as a coping mechanism.
Hence, this won’t get the attention of your avoidant ex. That’s because being constantly, even indirectly in contact with you, makes them run away.
For them, it might look like a manipulative way to get back to you, and an avoidant doesn’t like to be manipulated.
Instead of doing it, try to mute your avoidant ex or just shut down your social media.
This will help you to maintain a healthy life and heal from this experience. In this way, you will allow your ex to heal and grow on their own.
10. You need to make changes on your own too
To put changes on the table you need to start with yourself too. Changes attract an avoidant ex.
They will be interested in something that they didn’t experience until now.
An avoidant ex will go out of a relationship not because they are afraid of adjusting.
They will end the relationship because they got bored. A relationship is meant to give you happiness and fulfillment.
You can achieve it only once you feel good on your own. This will slowly reflect on your avoidant ex and will make them miss you.
Dismissive avoidants need a lot of time to process their feelings on their own, so this will take a while.
11. Avoid protest behavior
After a breakup, frustration is quite ordinary. You might want to let your ex know about your needs and ask for closure.
This is not quite possible to do when you have had a relationship with an avoidant ex.
Keep in mind that they won’t keep arguing with you and this will keep them away.
- Arguing will make them feel worthless.
- To them, it will feel like you are always accusing them.
- Their communication is different from yours, they tend to be less vulnerable due to a lack of trust.
Instead of arguing, take the time apart and let them reflect on their own.
Only then, they will be able to understand the situation.
Do avoidants miss you?
Yes, an avoidant misses you. They are just afraid of recognizing the feelings that they have.
An avoidant will miss you, the moment they realize that they have lost you forever.
This is not easy for them too because at one moment everything is lovely for them.
They want to get to know you more, but when the connection feels too heavy for them, they back up.
That doesn’t mean that they don’t have feelings for you anymore.
That is purely connected only with their issue of being abandoned later on.
When they are happy with you, immediately they isolate themselves as a form of protection
That’s the moment when they start to be toxic and send you mixed signals.
The definite answer is yes, an avoidant ex misses you sooner or later.
That will happen as soon as they notice that you are gone forever and they have worked on their feelings.
How to get an avoidant ex back?
You can get an avoidant ex back by knowing your intentions, and avoiding mind games.
Also, make sure that you want to be with them and accept the fact that they might not change.
1. Give them time to reconsider their feelings.
2. Get to know more about your attachment style and theirs.
3. Try to not put pressure on them because then they will panic and will pull away.
4. Create a safe space for them.
5. Tell them about your intentions and communicate your needs to them. Set a clear list of boundaries and expectations.
Don’t reach out to your ex to tell them about your boundaries. You can set boundaries even indirectly.
If they want to be friends with you and you don’t then you don’t answer.
Only this way you will send the message.
6. Know that you can offer your support to help them out to some extent.
7. Pursue your interests and will transmit your new energy to them.
In the end, you have to know that every time your behavior, at some point, will make an avoidant to pull away.
You should never take this personally. It’s not your fault and that can only change when both of you can work on your feelings and move forward.
Extra help on how to deal with an avoidant ex
Since this is quite an important, harsh, and heartfelt topic, you need to create a better view of this topic.
To pin down the problem and be able to choose what’s best for you, you need some extra help.
Here are a few sources that you might use to understand better an avoidant’s behavior.
The moment you understand what your ex is going through, you will know what to do.
You will not be lost in a haze anymore or hurt yourself and them even more.
Bottom Line: How to make an avoidant miss you?
You can make an avoidant miss you only by detaching from them and allowing them to process their feelings.
An avoidant ex-fear of rejection and emotional distress. They tend to not trust that much and the moment that hits them, they will push you away.
Yes, they form a relationship but tend to be somehow distant because of the fear of being too close.
Even though, you do your best, once they feel down then they would choose to not deal with the problem.
That’s why the best way to make an avoidant ex miss you is by not pressuring them into getting back in the relationship.
Be patient if you are in love with your ex. Set your boundaries too, work on your attachment style, and never sit around waiting.
Best,
Callisto Adams
Needed this. Great article. No contact is so hard, but after reading this I understand why you must do it with avoidant. Its so easy to think the way you are feeling the other person is as well but in reality they are thinking a different train of thought completely. Once you can step back and put yourself in their shoes it does make things a tad easier. I guess Its time to sit back and relax and if its meant to be it will be.
anyone else coming across this, hang in there, it sucks, I can relate, but is what it is and take it day by day. Dont beat yourself up, you are doing the best you can with what you got right!
cheers