The breakup can be fatal and leave you heartbroken and puzzled.
Hence, what might keep bothering you is whether you need to let your ex know that you are going to use the No Contact Rule.
Yes, there are some specific cases when you can let your ex know about it.
If you want to stay friends and want to reconcile the relationship later, you can inform your ex about distancing.
Otherwise, you need to go in No Contact without announcing it to them.
Especially, if you were part of a toxic relationship then you shouldn’t let your ex know.
Avoid using mind games just to make your ex feel bad about you. Know that if you do it just to get your ex back isn’t going to work.
Whether you are in doubt to let them know or not, ask yourself why you want to do it.
Once you have the reason, we will provide you with the most genuine and original text message.
Should I say anything before No Contact?
Whether you should say anything before No Contact depends on what you want from this breakup.
If you were in a messy relationship and had a tough breakup, you would want to distance yourself in silence.
In this case, you shouldn’t let your partner know that you will use the No Contact Rule.
This situation is an exception because your ex will use this information to play mind tricks.
They might make you believe that you’re guilty about the breakup and manipulate you.
On the other hand, if you have a business and kids together, you can let your ex know about NC.
In this case, you can use passive or limited No Contact, which means you can contact them from time to time.
Here are 10 tips to know what to say before going No Contact:
1. Define your reason for going No Contact
So, if you really feel like you can reconcile with your ex in the future, you might let them know about initiating No Contact.
Make your point clear why you are going No Contact, and explain to them why you need to take some time on your own.
If they’re persistent and you see the potential of getting back together, just let them know your needs.
If you can’t reconcile the relationship before grieving properly and moving on, just let them know.
You can do it politely and the last text to send before No Contact should be subtly straightforward.
“Hey, I know that both of us are having a hard time and we’re reflecting. I just need you to understand that I need to disconnect for a while.”
“I’m quite aware that this isn’t what we want but it’s the best way to reflect and make a better decision later on.”
“Hey, just wanted to let you know that we don’t need to communicate for a while. I need this time to focus on myself.”
2. Let your ex know that you’re not completely out of love
Going No Contact in most cases doesn’t mean that you want your ex to be completely out of your life.
This rule is properly made to focus on yourself and let yourself grieve.
After you detach from your ex, you will be able to reflect differently.
You will be able to either end totally the relationship or restart it.
If both of you were aware that the relationship wasn’t working, you both need to take a step back.
If you didn’t fall out of love but need some time apart to work things out, let your ex know it.
Because most of the time if you go silently and distance yourself, your ex will get the wrong message.
They will think that you are not interested in them and that you have moved on.
You can let them know that there is still an open door after you’re done sorting out your feelings.
“Hi, (insert their name), just wanted to let you know that the sooner we work individually on our problems without contact, the sooner we’ll be back.”
“Hey, thank you for listening to me. I will be honest with you. I need to detach from this relationship for some time if I’m going back to you.”
“I don’t think that this relationship will work out unless we spend some time on our own. Personally, I am seeking to do it for an uncertain period.”
3. Don’t talk about how long you’ll be in No Contact
One thing that you need to know and not to say before going No Contact, is to not tell your ex the length.
Working on yourself and grieving can take more time than you think, even if you end up on good terms.
Many things can change during No Contact, your point of view, and even your feelings.
That’s why you don’t need to let your ex know about how long you plan to stay in No Contact.
If you let your ex know about it, whether you plan to go for 30 days or more, they will make a plan.
They will do whatever they can to manipulate you to go back to them.
Instead, you can say or text this:
“I hope you’re doing good Jack. I know that’s not easy for both of us but I need to distance myself from you for a bit.”
“Hey, I just need to process the breakup on my own, without any disruption. Hope you’ll understand!”
In this case, a bit is not a certain amount. It doesn’t define whether you will stay away for a long time or not.
4. Remain polite and set your boundaries
Even if the breakup wasn’t that messy and you don’t plan on coming back, you can be polite and straightforward.
Let them know that you need some time to process the breakup and accept that fact.
If they don’t give you the time and space that you need then both of you are going to end on a loop.
If it’s hard for you to set boundaries then a relationship coach will give you the advice that you need.
They will make you reflect on your decisions and what makes you not set your boundaries
Most of the other sources might tell you to you don’t need to let your ex know about the No Contact Rule.
On the contrary, if you want to give closure or just leave the door open for them, you need to do it.
You just give them enough information so you can have a quiet time on your own.
It’s up to them then if they persist in contacting you or start working on themselves.
5. Inform them about Passive No Contact
If you want to start No Contact and you have a business together, you can text your ex a few things.
It’s better to let them know about your decision and find a middle way to organize your mutual responsibilities.
That’s why it is important to give a glimpse of how you’re going to implement the No Contact Rule.
- Let them know when and where it is acceptable for you to be contacted by them.
- Let them know that you need time alone so you can reflect on the breakup.
- Let them know that you can’t speak regularly. You can show them your form of communication and your boundaries.
I know that this can not be applied to all cases, especially if your partner was a narcissist.
At some point, they won’t understand your stance and they’re not ready to cooperate.
They won’t do it because their ego and pride will be hurt.
They want to do everything in their own way and this can’t be acceptable for them.
6. Send a light-hearted message
If you want to know what to say before No Contact, you should define what you want to achieve from it.
If you want to stay friends with your ex then you can send to them one last lighthearted text before No Contact.
You can inform them that you are going to distance yourself for some time to let yourself heal.
Let them know that you’re not reaching out to them for a while.
“I really appreciate you and our relationship. Things happened and I need to detach from all of this situation.”
“Relationships are important but ours didn’t function that way. We can continue to grow our bond as friends. Yet, I won’t be available for a while.”
There is no need to hold grudges and disappear from their life if there is no need.
If you use the No Contact to heal and you have no romantic interest in them then you can text them before NC.
7. Avoid adding too many details
If you let them know for how long you are going to do the No Contact then you will give them some hope.
If that is not your intention then it’s better to be precise but still, keep details to yourself.
They are going to have their guards up when they know after how many days you are going to come back to them.
The text should be quite specific just to let them know that you are distancing and need time to spend on your own.
It could be that you need this time to heal, to work on yourself, or that you need to process the situation.
There is nothing wrong to let them know that their presence is disrupting your healing process.
No matter what their persistence will be, you will keep going forward with your journey.
Know that you don’t need to justify yourself to your ex.
You are sending this message just to inform them so they and you can either move on or work on the relationship.
“Hey, listen… it’s hard to say goodbye but this time apart is quite important for me. Hope you understand. Bye.”
8. Use the last text to give them closure
If you feel guilty for going no contact you can use one last text to give them closure.
You can use it in any case but not when you have been in a relationship with a narcissist or a controlling partner.
In these cases, it’s better to not say anything before no contact. You just go no contact and remove them from your life.
It’s better to do this because if you let them know about your next move then they will control you and play mind games.
They can use it for their own needs and feed their ego.
Giving closure helps you to focus on your journey and not look back.
“Hey, our relationship was bittersweet as you know. I should be honest. I just need to move on from it. Wish you the best.”
“We weren’t perfect but had some good times. I think that is better for us to stop communicating. Goodbye.”
9. Show your ex that you understand their stand too
This is a great technique to have a neutral relationship with your ex.
Of course, this isn’t something that can be implemented in all your cases.
If you both ended up on good terms but you need time apart to reflect on yourself and your relationship, you can say this:
“I understand all that happened left a mark on our lives. Hope will work this out by distancing ourselves for a bit.”
“Just know that I am not holding grudges but contacting me constantly isn’t working for me.”
“You have all the right to not agree with this but I just need to enter the period of focusing on myself. Wanted to say goodbye for now.”
10. Be ready for the worst scenario
Even though you might have gone through a mild breakup, still, your ex might not accept you going for No Contact.
In this case, you might send a light text and set boundaries or leave the door open for them.
Hence, know that not everyone will comprehend you and will support your decision.
Especially, if your ex has the avoidant attachment style then they will not initiate contact or even reply to this message.
In this case, you should not stop initiating or continuing the No Contact.
Instead, focus on yourself and nourish yourself.
By doing it, you can reflect differently and see your ex from another point of view.
If you think that you are healed and ready to restart your relationship then you can resend a simple text.
To know more, you can just glance at this article and be a pro at it:
Why is it important to send a text before using No Contact?
It is quite important to say something before No Contact or sending that last text.
It is crucial only for those cases when you don’t want to end things permanently.
~If you go completely silent and you don’t let them know why you’re doing it, they will be confused.
They will get the message that you just wanted to move on and are doing better without them.
Yes, it is very true that the distance can make them miss you and appreciate your presence.
Yet, if you disappear without letting them know why you need to distance yourself from them, will hurt/confuse them.
~I am talking only about the cases where the relationship didn’t work but there is some space for change.
Do not be fooled by the ex’s persistence to talk to you when they aren’t willing to change.
If they don’t show that they will change or are changing then there is no need to let them know.
If there is no hope for reconciliation then there is no need to announce to them about NC.
Announcing NC to your ex that you think you will keep contact with them means maturity.
You tell them about your boundaries and work on yourself. If they are willing to do the same simultaneously then the relationship will be stronger.
In the end: What to say exactly before No Contact?
What you can say before No Contact depends a lot on how your breakup happened and how you feel.
Mostly it depends on what you want from your ex and from yourself.
If you want to end a terrible relationship then there is no need to say anything before No Contact.
On the other hand, if your relationship has still a chance to develop more, you can state your decision politely.
Some exes agree with your decision while others make a fuss out of it.
It all depends on their attachment style and how they feel about you.
Don’t overthink whether you should tell your ex or not. You can start the No Contact for a week or two.
Check how you feel and then you can let them know about your decision if your ex really understands you.
Be brave and work on yourself!
Love,
Callisto Adams
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