We’ve all heard the concept of dating the ‘right person’ or ‘the one’, in fact, we’ve heard so much about it.
At times our own individual ideals and imagination/s get shaken and start trembling by social norms and standards that put pretty much most things into frames, especially when it comes to dating.
The right person isn’t just a perfect person that has been described to us for years and years during history. They won’t magically fix our brokenness and silliness.
However, we’ll know when they’re the right one, right? At least that’s what we’ve been told since a very young age. You’ll know, right?
Is there really such thing as ‘the right person’?
Reflect on yourself a little: “Am I the right person?”
Before you ask yourself “Am I dating the right person?” you’ll have to first ask yourself whether you’re the ‘right person’ yourself. It is only fair this way, right?
Before we start analyzing a person on their ‘rightness’, let’s have a little moment and reflect on our own selves about this particular thing: right.
Once we turn the finger and point it at ourselves, we get to see things from a slightly different perspective. It’s pretty easy to sit around and wait for someone to check all the ‘wishes’ on your list.
If you’re aware of your ‘right’ qualities, you’re aware of what you’re able to offer to the other person, then you can look for ‘right’ qualities on the other person too. Otherwise, you’d be looking for someone to ‘fix’ you, and that is not the way to exactly ‘fix’ yourself. So, are you the right person? Reflect.
We have so many expectations, realistic AND unrealistic, they’re too many.
It’s not exactly something to judge and blame ourselves for, however under the right and wrong circumstances we happened to create and set expectations.
The rom-com movies, the books, the novels grabbed us by the balls and it’s kind of difficult to set free from those perfect images they painted for us.
Think about it, we’re humans, we’re all seeking understanding and love, but do we ever stop and think how much of those are we giving?
Your joy shouldn’t depend on another person.
Absolutely not. A person cannot simply be a source of joy for you. They can make your heart beat a certain way when they do something you find beautiful and breathtaking, but they can’t be your source of joy. Your joy cannot depend on another person.
You’re an independent person before you’re ‘with another’. You’ve got a life, you’ve got things you do, you’ve got yourself. There’s joy all around you, not just that one person.
A person cannot be your main source of self-love and confidence.
Things are not supposed to always be perfect.
Again, we’re beings, flawed, made of flesh, bones, hormones, and whatnot. We’re driven a lot by the need to be loved and understood and seen and cheered up.
We all ‘slip’ sometimes from that flowery mood, and the picture gets a little scratched at times. And that’s okay. The picture isn’t always perfect, otherwise we’d be gods and goddesses, 7 billion of them. It’d be kind of boring, eh?
Time and effort can make a relationship ‘right’.
Sincere, honest, and open communication regarding your needs, wants, desires, expectations on the relationship by both sides, effort and will to work on those needs, wants, desires, expectations of the partner, can make a relationship ‘right’.
To do so, takes time and effort. A ‘right’ person, at times, isn’t just ‘right’ out of the blue, and simply made for you and you only
Here, 11 signs you are dating the right person:
1. It feels right
They say that when you meet the right person you just know. I agree, partially, I’d also add: Your relationship feels right. They feel right as they are. It’s the vibe, the feelings, and the time you spend with them.
You feel safe, you feel home. You know that one winter, snowy, long day out, you come back home where it’s warm and nice; you grab a blanket and feel safe? They feel like home where it’s warm and nice after that long winter, snowy, long day out.
You’re not settling. I mean a little compromise is required for two people to be fitting with one another, but when you’re dating the right person you don’t feel like you’re just settling because you’re lonely, or because you feel like it’s going to get better.
No, with the right one you’re genuinely staying and loving while doing so in the relationship.
Chemistry is involved, sexually and emotionally. You’re compatible in the sex and emotional department. How much more right-er than that do you want it to get?
You get and feel each other sexually, & you get and feel each other emotionally. That’s the point, a main point in a relationship.
2. You’re not ‘glued’ to one another
The right-right person doesn’t demand absolute attention, touch, or time devoted to them. This means you respect time apart, you understand that you’re two separate individuals, you weren’t born as one, and you cannot ‘glue’ into each other to become one.
You have your ‘you’ times apart from each other. You have respect for each other’s ‘me’ time, without misunderstanding that for ‘another person’ time, or ‘cheating’ time.
Now, of course there are doubts and there are insecurities, obviously we’re far from superhumans. But those doubts and insecurities don’t last very long, as there’s confirmed affection from your partner to help you get rid of those.
You don’t owe each other all your time, you’ve got separate lives, unglued. You do activities other than devoting all your time to each other, you have other things to do besides lying on the couch cuddling all day – though that’d be quite therapeutic, with chances of getting chaotic – you have other things to do besides texting or talking on the phone non-stop.
You don’t depend on one another. Relying, and depending on one another are two different things. You can rely on your partner for certain things, you trust them, it’s all good.
However, when you depend on your partner, your joy, your day, your week, DEPENDS on that one particular person, with that particular behavior and communication. A.k.a unhealthy.
3. You’re sharing the same values & expectations from the relationship
You have similar opinions, expectations, and values. Is one of the signs that it is the right person for you. ONE OF the signs, the important ones.
You’re looking for the same thing: marriage/no marriage; kids/no kids; long-term/short-term, etc. What I mean is that you’re not looking for different ‘core’ things that are very important to you.
If you’d want a long-lasting relationship, and your partner just something ‘casual’ but ‘mind blowing’, then there’d be a little problem, and you wouldn’t say this is quite right. Since a relationship isn’t right if you’re trying to ‘fix’ or ‘change’ the person’s values.
You don’t have to necessarily have every single thing in common. The point is to share the same expectations from a relationship: whether you want a relationship to be long-term, end in marriage or just be dating for a long time, or marriage and kids. These have to be common.
You share the same sense of humor, or at least you understand and laugh at the same things. Not having the same sense of humor might not be exactly a deal breaker, but it might cause a little oddness in the relationship. If you don’t share the same sense of humor, you at least have to understand, and not be judgemental towards your partner’s sense of humor. You know, the ‘right’ one’s sense of humor.
4. You’re freely being yourself without the doubt of being judged
You always can have that freedom around anyone if you allow yourself to, however with this person you don’t even have to think much about it. You just are freely you, without doubting their opinion of you.
You feel oddly free, not that your freedom depends on them, it’s just a freedom to be you around them. They’re sure and secure in themselves too, hence they ‘allow’ you, they give you that space to be you too, to be secure, to be sure of what and who you are. Most importantly, to not hide, or ‘fix’ it.
You don’t feel like ‘fixing’ them and vice versa. It’s a sign you’re content with your own self, and you realize and understand that ‘fixing’ is not needed, you know exactly what you’re looking for, you know exactly what you’re looking at, and you’re perfectly fine with it. You’re perfectly happy with it.
You’re not in the relationship with the hope that they’ll change someday.
You don’t feel pressured to change either. This is also important. They see you too, they know what they want, they know what they see, and they’re perfectly fine with it. They’re perfectly happy with it.
5. You meet each other’s needs
We’re all needy if we put it that way. We need things, we need very particular needs. If you communicate those to one another, and you’re willing to meet those exact needs for one another, then it’s pretty ‘right’.
Both of you listen to understand. You listen to understand what the other is saying, especially when it comes to communicating needs, wants, desires, or kinks even.
You feel confident around each other. You have that freedom to talk, do, feel, be whatever you are. You’re confident about it. It’s what everyone needs to be. You’re that when around them.
You’re comforting for one another. You’re there for each other. Comforting, with arms wide open waiting for one another. It’s pretty pretty.
6. You love spending time with each other
You know you’re dating the right person when spending time with them it’s not something you ‘have’ to do, it’s rather something you cannot wait to do, because oh my god they’re so amazing to be around!
Time and conversations flow with ease. You don’t feel obligated to spend time with them because they’re your partner. Instead you feel lucky and happy to be spending time with them, having those conversations, not feeling the pressure to continue the conversation.
It’s exciting, and pretty. If you’re with the right one, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Of course it has those little ‘unpleasant’ moments, a friendly reminder that we’re humans dealing with humans; but when you think about it, the relationship is exciting and pretty.
You still get butterflies when you’re about to see them. Even though it’s been a while since you’re in a relationship together, you still get those butterflies. For example, it’s been a while since you last saw them, and now you just cannot wait to see them, so much that you get butterflies.
7. Not fights exactly, they’re more like disagreements
I’m not saying that it’s all peace, all flower petals floating around. That’d be very unrealistic. But whenever you disagree on something, the ‘fights’ are not you two seeing each other as monsters, attracting each other badly, or having intentions to hurt one another with words.
Instead the ‘fights’ are more like disagreements in which you both see each other’s perspective on it, and you meet somewhere in the middle. You don’t focus on just winning the argument.
You’re not stressed or anxious when you think about the relationship. You’re not second guessing your partner, you’re not stressed or anxious. You don’t have unsolvable fights that have the potential to linger on your mind and not let you sleep at night. It flows, it’s easy, it’s peaceful.
You’re willing to handle their ‘worst’. You’ve seen their worst, right? Their ‘worst’ doesn’t hurt you, doesn’t abuse you, doesn’t harm you. You’ve seen what they struggle with, you’ve seen what they look like when upset, and you’re willing to handle that.
I want you to keep in mind that, just because their best is THE best, and their worst is hurting, harming, abusing you, you’re obliged to stay. You’ve got every single right to walk away and choose to not stay at such ‘worst’.
There’s no controlling behavior. Their worst behavior is not controlling you, their worst behavior is not offending you. None of you are seeking control over the other, you see each other with love, care. Not as fragile beings with the potential to be used and controlled for personal achievements. You know they are your person, more in a protective rather than possessive way.
8. Friends and family approve
When you’re in your lovey-dovey phase, your brain cannot make a very clear judgment of the person in front of you (the one you love/like so much). Hence, when there’s something wrong, or right, your loved ones are usually the first ones to point it out (since at this point you’re blind, and cannot really see what’s going on, because you’re completely under the person’s spell).
The closest people to you approve, they’re happy for you. They’re glad for you.
Your friends and family like them and vice versa. Your friends and/or family like them, and vice versa. You feel good, you feel happy about it. When the people who want the best for you get to see the person you think it’s best for you, and they confirm your opinion, it’s quite a thing, right? This is good. This is very good!
Their friends and family like you and vice versa. You’ve seen what they’ve been surrounded by through years, you like those people, and those people like you. This is good. This is very good!
You’re not doubtful about the relationship. You’re happy about the fact that your close social environment, and their, approve of one another. You’re not doubtful, you’re happy. This is good. This is very good!
9. You can trust them
Another friendly reminder that we’re humans, we’re beings, we’re not exactly perfect. Hence, having doubts it’s pretty normal, having insecurities it’s also pretty normal. The thing about the ‘right’ person, is that you’ll have a lot more moments of trust, than doubts and insecurities.
You can trust them with your vulnerability, your fragility, your faithfulness (if in a monogamous relationship).
They treat you AND others nicely. You’ll want to pay attention to this one. They treat you nicely, AND others. The behavior that they show towards others, tells a lot about them too. They’re damn ‘right’ if they treat everyone nice, including you.
There’s no games involved. Games are not honest, not genuine, not open. Games don’t result in something real. In something pure and clean. It’s right when games are not being practiced.
You’re not ‘afraid’. You don’t fear that they’ll betray you, you don’t fear that if they see a certain part of you they’ll walk off, you don’t fear that they hurt you. You’re in peace, you’re not afraid.
10. Respect is served
This is yet another important sign of a ‘right person’. There’s respect in your relationship. Boundaries are respected, lines are respected, you’re both getting respect from one another.
Your ‘no’ stays ‘no’ – is respected – and vice versa. You don’t push each other’s boundaries just so that you can get ‘some more’ satisfaction. You care enough about one another to accept a no.
There’s no rush. No rushing, no pushing, no pressuring. Again, there’s ease, there’s peace. You’re each other’s home, where it’s comforting, and cozy, and lovely.
You truly see and understand one another. When you truly see one another, you get to truly understand one another. That takes time, it’s understandable, but once you get to fully grasp what you’re made of, you’ll have love, respect, care, compassion, and affection for the person in front of you.
11. You’re happy
At the end of the day, you sit on the couch, or the bench in the park, doesn’t matter; and you’re just plainly happy with what you have with this person.
There’s excitement and joy. Your relationship isn’t superficial, it’s deep, hence there’s pure excitement and joy.
You’re laughing a lot when together. When you’re synced, when there’s understanding of each other’s cores, you’ll create that bond, that connection. Then you laugh, it comes naturally, unforced, making the bond even stronger.
Awh! It’s just so beautiful. I can’t; I can’t!
Signs you’re dating the wrong person
When you’re dating the wrong person, you’ll know on the inside. You won’t really rest your mind about it. You can’t feel like yourself around them, you think of changing them, or they want to change you, there are toxic patterns in your behaviors with one another, people around you might be concerned and tell you they don’t like the person you’re with.
To be more specific about it, here are 5 signs you’re not right for each other, or you’re just not dating the right person:
1. You don’t feel accepted.
It doesn’t feel right, and you need to fix a little something and change a little something every time. You’re not yourself, and when you are, you’re not accepted.
2. You feel like with a little adjusting and fixing and changing they’ll be fine.
Yeah, no. The point of a healthy and right relationship is accepting the person as they are right now. Seeing them as they are right now, not the potential of them in a few years from now.
3. There’s no understanding between both of you.
When someone is not right for you, you just can’t see the core of each other; You’re not able to really ‘hear’ and see each other. Hence, there’s no understanding.
When there’s no understanding there’s room for misjudgement, for unhealthy habits to take place in the relationship.
It’s harming, it’s emotionally draining, it’s far from happy and joyful. You’re not with the right person.
5. Your closest friends and family are concerned for you and your relationship.
When you’re in love/infatuated you can’t really make a clear judgement nor clearly analyze the situation logically; hence a few other points of view of the person, and the situation will help you have a better understanding.
When your closest people show concern, then it’s a sign you need to pay attention, analyze a little.
Tips for finding the ‘right person’
Perhaps it turned out you’re not dating the ‘right person’. And it’s okay. Here are some tips for finding them:
Don’t make this search your main priority.
You’ll get caught up in finding another person, and you’ll eventually forget yourself. Pay attention, but don’t let it be the center of your universe.
Reflect on yourself. See what you’ve got to work on.
I talked about this earlier in the article. Try to see within you. Before you start the self-love journey, see what you can do to improve yourself, what work has to be done within, in order to start seeking something outside.
Have self respect, self love, self acceptance.
That’ll prevent you from seeking for someone to complete you, or someone to ‘fix’ you, to accept you. This is something you’ve got to do for yourself and by yourself first.
Otherwise you’ll end up looking for someone outside of yourself to love, respect, and accept you. Once you do find that person, it’ll seem odd and suspicious to you, since you cannot love, respect, and accept you. You’ll find odd and suspicious the idea of someone else doing so.
Start from home, start from within.
Don’t create an imaginary person that’ll just be perfect for you.
It is nice and healthy to know what you want and what you don’t want in a person. However it’s not very healthy to think of the exact person you’ll want in your life. To imagine them in every single detail. The chances for you to find exactly that are low.
The right one takes time, effort, and understanding. By creating an image, you’ll stop yourself from seeing the real person in front of you, which might just be better and exactly what you need in that moment.
Rethink the image of the one, or not the one for you.
Think of what you want, need, desire, and expect out of a relationship. Is it realistic?
Again, creating unrealistic expectations, leads to you creating an imaginary version of the person you’re looking for.
See the person as they are, see their flaws, their goods, their bads. Think it through with yourself, are you happy with what you’re seeing? Are you content? Does it feel like home?
FAQ – Dating the right or the wrong one?
1. Should you date someone you’re not sure about?
Feeling unsure is normal. However, if the feeling of insecurity is dominant in that relationship, if the person is making you doubt yourself too, then you shouldn’t date that person.
Try to find the root of it all. Where is that insecurity coming from? Why aren’t you sure about the person?
Try to find if there’s something internal reflecting from yourself, or is an actual behavior of the person that’s triggering this insecurity about them in you.
2. Dating the right person at the wrong time, what does that look like?
It looks complicated. Some believe that the right person will feel right no matter what, some don’t even believe in the idea of the right person.
Let’s tackle that together!
Someone can feel right to you, but the external circumstances you’re in might not be allowing you to have a relationship together. That could be called somewhat wrong timing.
Wrong time could be a part of your life in which:
1. You’re intensely dealing with trauma.
2. One of you, or both, are already in a monogamous relationship (not with each other, obviously).
3. You’re going through a tough phase in your life in which you’re experiencing drastic changes in personality, behavior, etc. I.e. you’re not stable.
4. A lot of things in your life feel chaotic, and you need time to fix that before you feel good and relaxed to not project your problems onto someone else.
Again, it depends on your idea of the ‘right one’, and your perception of ‘wrong timing’.
However, the ones I listed above are generally considered as wrong timing, since you’re working on yourself still, and you’re more fragile/vulnerable, you’re also more prone to ‘activating’ defense mechanisms, which may cause trouble or hurt to others around you. Of course, there are exceptions.
Human connections are pretty mind-blowing and surprising. A partner might just stick around even when your ‘worst’ is harming them.