Talking to an ex after No Contact can be quite challenging and time/self-consuming.
What’s essential before starting the conversation is creating a healthy mindset.
While distancing yourself from your ex, you should nourish yourself.
Once, you are healed, you will know what you want and why you want to contact your ex.
Are you contacting your ex because you want to stay friends, you want to apologize, or you want to rekindle the relationship?
Each situation is different because you need to be precise and honest to deliver your aim in the best way.
The way you approach your ex after No Contact depends a lot on how you parted ways.
Here are 12 tips on how to talk to an ex after No Contact:
1. First, define why you want to contact your ex
Before typing any text or planning to meet your ex, define why you want to meet them after No Contact.
When you define the reason, it will be easier for you to plan prior a bit of what you want to say.
You shouldn’t start the conversation the same way if you want to stay friends or reconcile.
~If you want to stay friends with your ex, you can open a conversation by reminding them of a good memory.
Also, you can let them know that you will always be there for them. Show them that you will support them whenever.
You can be friendly and supportive only if your breakup wasn’t messy.
Otherwise, if you were dumped or the relationship was toxic is better to reflect deeper on the problem.
Initiating the conversation with your ex will only give them the power to control you even more.
~If you want to rekindle your relationship then your type of message will change a bit.
You need to be precise about what you want to say and keep it short.
2. Make sure to know your ex’s emotional state too
If you want to know how to start a conversation with your ex after No Contact, you need to reflect on your ex too.
Knowing if your ex still has feelings for you is not that easy. Since they might send a lot of mixed signals or breadcrumb you.
Hence, you can know a little bit about your ex’s stance towards you by the way you parted ways.
If the relationship and the breakup were messy, your ex might have made themselves distant.
Or if you have been dumped and your ex moved on then it’s better to probably not interact with them.
When you go through the No Contact period then you should be able to move on and not obsess over your ex.
If you still feel the urge to text your ex just because you are needy, then you should extend the No Contact rule period.
3. Reflect on the breakup timing
When you want to start a conversation with your ex after No Contact, you should reflect on No Contact.
You need to reflect on how long have you been in No Contact with your ex. Is it a week, a month, or a couple of months?
Also, add to it some other details such as:
- Have you broken the No Contact Rule until now?
- Has your ex tried to contact you until now?
- Have you been working on yourself during this time?
All these questions help you to narrow down how you’re going to talk to your ex after No Contact.
If you have been doing No Contact for a month and you still aren’t healed then you should take some more time.
Don’t be too harsh on yourself and break the No Contact because you feel the urge to contact your ex.
In this situation is very crucial to understand why you are feeling the urge to start a conversation with your ex.
To pin down this issue, the help of a relationship coach will be needed.
They will track your past and future actions so you can know how and whether to start the conversation or not.
4. Don’t try to bring up only the past
After the breakup and even though going through the No Contact, you tend to still talk about the past.
Maybe you won’t talk about the past in the negative form but still just talking about the past gives you those vibes.
It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t start the conversation while reminiscing.
Only, make sure to include those memories that will help you bring out the best in the situation.
Even if you talk to your ex in person or while texting, try to bring positive vibes.
If both of you have been working on yourselves during the NC then now it’s time to interact differently.
Think about what will engage your ex and not what will engage only you.
If they are interested in any field like sports, art, or anything else, use it as a hook.
This will give your ex the space to give their opinions and reflect on your approach.
5. Make sure that the first conversation is light
It’s essential to have this conversation to make closure or start fresh.
This is always accurate for all types of breakups.
Also, exes can have different types of attachments and personalities.
What I am trying to say is that you need to have a different approach according to their type and attachment.
That first text after the No Contact should be
If you broke up on good terms then
You can congratulate them on their achievements or boost their confidence.
Either way, try to make the text message short and simple.
Do not add too many details that will distract and frustrate them.
“Hey Jack, congrats on finishing your degree, Mason told me about it. I knew that you could do it.”
6. Avoid romanticizing the situation
The No Contact period is not easy to go through.
Most of the time you will feel the urge to contact your ex and cling only to the positive sides of them.
To start a conversation with your ex, you need to have no expectations at all.
Be prepared for the worst. Being ready to face reality helps you to talk about and have a conversation without hurting yourself or your ex.
Know that sometimes you cannot get closure and that’s okay.
If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist or a controlling partner, you might tend to romanticize.
That’s because the past trauma seems to keep pushing and pulling you. That’s pretty normal to not be ready to let those feelings go.
If you think that there is a chance to rekindle the relationship, be real with yourself.
7. Don’t be too emotionally involved
The best way to start a conversation with your ex after No Contact is to be neutral.
Avoid being melancholic because that will make you look clingy and would push your ex away.
Reminiscing in the first text is not an issue.
What makes it an issue is if you pour out too many emotions and you lose the purpose of contacting your ex.
The No Contact rule serves you to reflect on your emotions and sort them out.
If you do not let yourself grieve properly then talking to an ex after the No Contact will be difficult.
It will look like you did not progress at all since the breakup.
Keep the tone light and friendly.
8. Let the conversation flow naturally
I know that thinking about how to start a conversation with an ex seems like science.
Yet, it’s hard but not that hard. Don’t restrain yourself or persist too much.
Double texting is not an option because you will give your ex the wrong impression.
You can craft the first text and then leave space and time for them to reply.
Know that also they need time to respond to your texts too.
You don’t know their stance towards you and how they were processing the breakup.
If their answers are short, don’t try to put much pressure on them.
You can mirror their answers and take some pauses from here and there.
It doesn’t mean that you cannot try sometime later to initiate another text.
9. Use a good hook line
Talking to an ex after No Contact might seem scary and impossible.
Hence, if you use a good hook line to get their attention, you will receive a reply.
You can grab their attention by using a simple and short sentence.
In this case, you can ask for their help, and compliment them to some extent.
You just need something that can trigger them and grab their attention.
“Hey, Mark. You never would believe this, but….”
“I see that you still like to skate late at night…”
“This picture of yours reminded me of the good times we had at Como Lake.”
10. Be friendly and neutral
If you have to start a conversation with your ex when you bump into them, be friendly and neutral.
I know that right now, you’re asking yourself what to talk about after no contact.
You can start the conversation by asking about their life now. Don’t ruminate too much and talk about the past.
- Ask if they have finished doing something that you talked about;
- Ask them about their family and friends;
- Avoid being extremely excited or blaming them immediately;
- Give them glimpses of your life enough to have an idea of what you’ve been doing;
Most important of all, avoid reading between the lines and don’t be sarcastic.
11. Be upfront and confident
When you initiate a conversation with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend try to be yourself.
There is no better way to open a conversation than to be your true self.
There is no risk in initiating the conversation and talk how you feel.
Sometimes, the best way to trigger your ex is to show the person they fell in love with.
Show that you have improved. Make them feel safe and secure around you.
You can talk to them about your life and theirs at some point and ask about their opinion.
Keep it simple and respect their opinion too.
Interacting with your ex having a hidden motive will give them mixed signals.
12. Make sure to respect their boundaries too
You can start talking to your ex after No Contact by making compliments and being funny or flirty to some extent.
This type of text or a sentence even if you meet accidentally can trigger your ex.
You might make some compliments just to show your stance towards them.
“Julia, you look good. Nice to see you.”
“I got my best clothes as I knew I would meet you.”
“I admire your enthusiasm and nerve to achieve things. Congrats.”
The text or conversation should be designed to get their attention and give them space to respond.
Should I text him after a month of not talking?
Yes and no. Yes, you can text your ex after one month of not talking if you managed to heal.
Otherwise, if the breakup was messy and your ex never contacted you then you should step back.
Spend more time focusing on yourself and searching for your true potential.
You cannot contact your ex after a month if you are feeling lonely and anxious.
It’s understandable that you might feel this way because you are grieving and going through the breakup stages.
One day you will feel like the happiest person in the world whereas the other day you wish things were different.
That’s why only if the breakup wasn’t bad and you managed to heal, you can contact your ex.
If you haven’t processed the breakup, there is no point to contact your ex.
Instead spend more time on your own. Try to focus on your feelings and how you can sort them.
Usually, a month of No Contact can serve as a period to start grieving and it’s the beginning of healing.
How long should you wait to contact your ex?
To contact your ex the minimum is to wait 30 days. It all depends on your breakup and how both of you were dealing with it.
If the breakup was hard for any of you then it takes a longer time to heal and to contact them.
There is no specific rule on how anyone should wait to contact their ex.
You should give yourself and your ex some space to heal and reflect.
If you don’t give enough time for yourself and your ex to reflect then you cannot start fresh.
Even if the breakup wasn’t bad, you should spend more than one-month healing and nourishing yourself.
To sum up: How to start a conversation with your ex after no contact?
You can start a conversation with your ex after No Contact just by being honest and having an aim.
If you start the conversation while having a hidden motive in your mind then your ex will know.
You will transmit that type of vibe to them.
The point is to send a text message or open the conversation without being harmful.
The text message should be heartfelt and easy to follow.
No matter how good your intentions are and your messages, your ex might need more time to react.
Don’t put pressure on yourself. Send the text and then let the things flow on their own.