The warm and fuzzy feelings are gone. You find yourself longing for that presence and warmth. You want your ex back, but you’re struggling to get them back.
Your heart wrenches, but there’s hope that your ex will change their mind and you’ll get them back, at least eventually.
Getting back to you is a decision your ex has to make, though your impact on the process is indisputable. Each step counts, right or wrong.
This is a guide to help you navigate the process of reconciling and give you the best chance of success.
A lot of us have been there. Suckers for a cure to our wrenched hearts. So let’s cure those hearts together once and for all!
Here’s the step-by-step guide on how to get your ex back:
1. Take your time to process the breakup
tend to forget ourselves when in the midst of losing someone we love.
You’re overwhelmed and your world feels nothing but a black and white chaos that can’t seem to be tamed. It’s time for you to breathe.
Acting or reacting upon the chaos you’re feeling within can penalize your sense of logical judgment.
You’re experiencing a myriad of emotions, you feel hurt and vulnerable. This is where you allow yourself to take a break and breathe…
You’re going to be okay, and you’re going to survive this.
After taking a moment and partnering up with yourself in this, it’s time to reflect.
Avoid forcing yourself to feel a particular way, simply let the emotions flood in, and feel them as they are.
Notice what you’re feeling, and try to understand why you’re feeling that way. Observe yourself while you sense emotions.
It’s normal to want your ex back. But this time you want to try and comprehend why. What’s the reason behind this desire and want?
Is it the overload of emotions because of the breakup or is it the pure desire to have them back?
Try to reflect on this without being harsh on yourself.
- Practice journaling. Writing down your feelings will help you have a clearer perspective on your thoughts and their reasonability.
- Surround yourself with positive people who help you re-understand the value of being loved and cared for.
- Practice recreation. Try out new things such as meditation, exercise, yoga, painting, clay art, and the like.
- Let yourself feel what you’re feeling without being judgmental or harshly critical of yourself.
- Talk to your therapist about it.
2. Reflect on why the relationship ended
Understanding the reasons why your relationship ended is a crucial part of getting your ex back.
After some time has passed, your sense of logic is less likely to be affected by the overflow of emotions. That’ll make the perfect time to reflect on the situation.
The reasons for your breakup will highly impact your connection with your ex, but can also determine the odds for reconciliation.
The most common reasons behind breakups tend to be
- Low relationship quality. Lack of validation, emotional connection, care, and affection;
- Poor communication. Not discussing issues, not expressing feelings or concerns to one another;
- Lack of emotional, physical, or sexual affection;
- Disagreements regard financial issues;
- Mismatch in communication, preferences, morals, values, political views, etc;
- Abuse or toxicity;
Understanding the exact factor(s) that led to your breakup will help you understand what you need to work on to get your ex back.
What is it that you can do to improve regarding what made your relationship end? And, are you willing to put in the effort?
3. Give your ex space: Avoid talks and negotiations for a while
After reflection, it’s time to move on to space.
If the decision to end the relationship was your ex’s then you have to give them time.
The thought of losing them is scary, it’s painful and hard to bear… I know how powerless you feel, but you’ve got to trust the process.
Space and patience are vital for reconciliation.
Negotiating, calling, and texting, while you’re begging and pleading with your ex will result ineffective in the process.
In fact, it negatively affects the process. Persistence despite their need for space will decrease the odds of your ex coming back.
Let your ex know that you respect their decision. It is crucial for rebuilding a sense of trust. Agree with the breakup, and let your ex have it their way.
Use the No Contact Rule. That means no texting, calling, posting on social media about your ex, or giving them any other signal for a while, say, a month.
The point of No Contact is getting and giving space. Space for self-reflection, personal growth, and reflection on the relationship.
- Stay away from your phone when you’re drunk. You’re more likely to break the balance and No Contact when you’re intoxicated;
- Avoid places you’ve been together at as a couple, or places you know your ex frequents;
- Do not reach their family members or friends;
- Avoid posting on social media about things that used to symbolize your relationship; Be silent on your social media for a while;
Begging and pleading are likely to empower your ex on their stance since they can portray you as a clingy, disrespectful, and immature person.
Your silence will show determination, respect, and maturity. Most importantly, it’ll give your ex the space to miss you and reflect on what you had together.
This is your chance to not be taken for granted. Your silence will grant you that chance.
4. Work on yourself
Sit back and reflect on your behavior, thoughts, and actions constructively. Then start slowly, but steadily working on yourself.
Shifting your energy from wanting to get your ex back to yourself and well-being is one of the key factors that help you get your ex back.
Kind of paradoxical, I know, but bear with me on this one.
Self-reflection will allow you to have a clearer understanding of how you were as a partner and what you can do to improve.
Acknowledge the flaws in you, accept them as part of you, and without judgment, start working on them. Start making positive changes in yourself.
This doesn’t mean obsessively seeking flaws and seeing them as sole flaws and unfixable issues, no.
This means taking care of yourself and focusing on how you can become a stronger, healthier version of yourself.
Slowly, you start planting the seed of a healthy mindset that will lead you to a healthy thought process.
That way you show your ex you’ve grown and improved. And such changes are likely to impact your ex’s decision to give the relationship another chance.
If you want to get back with your ex then you’ve got to make some changes. You’ve got to improve and give them a reason to get back to you.
It’s a process in itself, but it tremendously helps in both your healing journey and getting your ex back.
Eventually, your ex-partner will be seeing those improvements and changes in your lifestyle and behavior.
This will not only benefit you in your character development, but it’ll also help your ex see the potential in you.
- Work on your confidence. Focus on your strong attributes and work on your less strong ones;
- You can work on your appearance as well;
- Think of what made your ex fall for you, and focus on enhancing those features;
5. Reach out to your ex and reconcile: Set a new foundation for your relationship
According to Harvard, relationships can be repaired with good negotiation skills.
You’ve taken slow, steady, and valuable steps so far… This is where you make use of your communication skills.
Months of silence create a healthy gap in which you have the time to focus on self-growth and miss each other.
Now it’s time for reconciliation and setting a new foundation for your relationship with your ex.
Taking things slowly, being respectful, and not overwhelming your ex when re-establishing communication with your ex are essential.
The way you initiate and re-establish communication with your ex is likely to determine the odds of their return.
When initiating communication and starting the conversation you must consider
- Making yourself clear while maintaining a respectful, confident, and calm approach;
- Set your boundaries and make them clear to your ex;
- Start rebuilding trust by being considerate of your ex’s feelings and emotions when approaching them;
- Avoiding accusing, criticizing, and blaming;
- Make yourself stick to sincerity and avoid manipulation tactics;
- Acknowledge your mistakes and apologize sincerely;
- Know when to walk away from the conversation.
You want to show a willingness to work things out, but you also want to send your ex a text that gets their attention and reminds them of the risk of losing you forever.
Here’s what you can text your ex to get them back:
- “This is the last time I’ll be texting you, I promise. I feel horrible for what I’ve done, and I apologize. I truly believe that this relationship can be saved, and I’m ready to do whatever it takes for it.”
- “It’s been a while since the last time we’ve spoken. How have you been?”
- “I took my time to reflect on my mistakes and wrongdoings. I sincerely apologize for hurting you the way I did. I think it’d be a shame for our connection to die out. I’d like to give this another try.”
6. Prove to your ex that you’ve improved
If you promise them to do what it takes to make things better, and you don’t do them, you’re bound to lose your ex again.
When one gets hurt in a relationship it takes time, effort, and self-reflection from both sides to rebuild trust and connection.
One of the firm ways to rebuild trust and connection – to make your ex come back – is to prove to your ex that you’ve improved.
For them to come back, it is crucial for them to feel safe again, to make them see that you’ve changed, and to prove to them your improvements.
Here are some of the fundamental ways to show your ex that you’ve changed
– Acknowledge your mistakes: apologize.
The impact of apologizing and accepting the breakup and your ex’s opinions plays a fundamental role in getting your ex back.
It shows you’ve changed, you’re considerate, and that you’re a safe space for them once more.
– Avoid thinking of this as a “They hurt me, I’ll hurt them back” situation.
Such a mindset is likely to drive you into actions that prove your ex your inconsideration of their feelings and presence.
Try to see this as an issue to solve, rather than a case where you can prove to your ex-partner how miserable you can make them because they left you.
– If you agree to the breakup, go No Contact.
You want to prove to your ex that you stand by your words, that you’re determined, and that you’re not okay with disrespect.
This will make them reconsider their decision and prevent them from taking you for granted.
– Don’t be disrespectful to the experience you’ve shared with your ex.
Being disrespectful to the memory of you loving and spending time with another person, directly reflects disrespect towards yourself.
Your respect will prove to the ex your improvement and willingness to work things out again.
7. Discuss a future plan that works for both parties
The process of getting your ex back doesn’t end the moment they respond to your request to meet up or have a phone conversation.
It is essential to address the issues, traumas, and causes of conflict that you’ve faced throughout the relationship, and make a plan for your future as a couple.
You can identify those by thinking back on the relationship, the factors that played a role in your arguments, and things that were left unsaid.
Setting a plan that works for both parties should be based on what you two are comfortable with, without jeopardizing one another’s boundaries.
Set your boundaries, communicate them, and ask your ex to do the same so that you establish respect and a sense of value to those boundaries.
The impact of effective compromise and negotiation is inarguable. It plays a role in the path of your connection and the flow it takes through obstacles.
- Talk about the areas where you’re willing or expect one another to compromise, sacrifice, or improve in the future.
- Discuss what would make you as a couple feels safer in each other’s presence.
- Talk about trust. Start rebuilding your trust by respecting one another’s boundaries, communicating openly, and being considerate of one another.
Consider seeking therapy if you sense that you’re willing to be together but hopeless when it comes to fixing the issues within the relationship.
The benefits of therapy are countless, especially when it comes to repairing trust, communication, or even the relationship as an entirety.
The process isn’t easy, however, it can be very beneficial and nourishing to you as a couple or as an individual.
8. Prepare yourself for the possibility of rejection
Getting your ex back can be a bumpy road.
The idea of getting your ex back can be appealing to the point where you create high expectations for the outcome of the process.
Unfortunately, the process of getting your ex back has challenges and drawbacks along the way.
If there was a genuine connection between you, your ex will inevitably miss you, but sometimes, some exes choose not to have you despite the longing.
There’s the possibility of getting them back, but then there’s also the possibility of your ex rejecting you.
There are many factors that come into play, there are doubts about the relationship, fear of failure, or even fear of getting hurt again.
Sometimes, those fears and doubts win the battle… Hence the need to prepare yourself for rejection.
The high hopes of their return can make you blind to the possibility of rejection, making your heart break even more once you’re faced with it.
Here’s what you can do if you’re faced with rejection by your ex
- Accept their decision as it is. Avoid persisting or begging;
- Don’t let their rejection or perception of you be the factor to define your value;
- Allow yourself to process what you’re feeling;
- Practice self-care. Go to therapy, practice meditation, yoga, or activities that bring you joy;
- Surround yourself with people who care for you;
Rebuilding the relationship: Maintaining a healthy romance and setting healthy boundaries
Trust and a sense of emotional safety play an indispensable role in a relationship.
When getting back with an ex, as a couple you have to consider rebuilding the relationship and its foundations: trust, communication, and intimacy.
Considering that a relationship is made of different individuals, obstacles are inevitable.
You can love each other but have differences in goals, values, preferences, or ways of navigating romantic relationships.
Maintaining a healthy romance and relationship takes two individuals that work on themselves.
Practicing self-care, personal prioritization, and self-awareness as individuals will automatically benefit your connection with one another as a couple.
That’s because you’re working to bring out the best of yourselves, which helps you bring the best to the table.
Here are some practices that help you establish a healthy relationship and romance:
– Open communication. Talk to one another. Talk about what worries you, what makes you upset, and what hurts you.
Letting issues unresolved is likely to make room for resentment or other negative feelings which automatically impact the relationship in a negative manner.
Hence you’ve got to address the issues and resolve them.
When addressing issues, listen actively, avoid accusatory tones, be empathetic with one another, and consider one another’s feelings.
Think of addressing the issues as something you have to work on with your partner rather than a challenge to win an argument.
– Care and consideration towards one another’s needs and boundaries. Avoid taking one another for granted.
Being careful and considerate towards your partner’s needs and boundaries plays a fundamental role in re-establishing trust and connection.
Try to understand the weight of your words and actions in your partner’s life and emotional state and be careful with how you use them.
– Keeping your intimacy nurtured.
Maintaining intimacy (emotional and sexual) in long-term relationships can sometimes be challenging.
You can keep the spark alive by having quality time with one another, understanding how your love languages work, and paying attention to one another.
Bring new things into bed and into conversations, and pay attention to your partner’s needs, especially when they voice them.
What we’ve learned: Getting your ex back!
Getting your ex back takes time, effort, patience, and understanding.
It’s not an easy road, but you can get there. You can get your ex back if you
- Take time for yourself and practice self-care;
- Reflect on the reasons why your relationship ended;
- Give your ex space and practice No Contact;
- Work on yourself and make positive changes;
- Reach out to your ex and reconcile;
- Prove your ex of your positive changes;
- Discuss a future plan that will work for both parties;
You’ve got this!
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