Opening up to someone is not an easy thing to do—especially for men.
Men often find themselves unable to express their feelings and emotions due to countless millennia of forming a specific stereotype that makes self-expression seem like not such a good trait.
A life-long habit will be hard to break for sure, however, there are ways you can show a guy that you care about him and that it’s okay to open up.
You can work towards making him feel secure and comfortable, two of the most important things that urge a man to express himself.
Here are 10 ways that will help a man feel more comfortable with opening up over text!
1. Give him space to talk about himself by opening up first.
One way you can encourage a man to talk about his feelings and experiences over text is by talking about yours first.
Start slowly opening up to him and sharing your feelings, emotions, thoughts, and experiences while also allowing him to tune in:
“I feel a bit confused about [x problem] because it makes me feel [x way]. What do you think about it? Does that ever happen to you too?”
We all have our problems, and it’s okay to want to talk about them. So, by opening up first, you’re creating a welcoming and secure space for him.
By being vulnerable first, you’re showing him that expressing himself is not something he’ll get judged for.
Tell him something personal and ask his input about it to make him feel both secure and included. Listen to what he has to say.
If he sees that you trust him enough to be vulnerable with him, he’s going to see that everything is okay and you can be trusted too.
However, do this in a way that encourages back-and-forth conversation instead of only one of you doing the talking.
2. Earn his trust by being dependable.
Always stay true to your word!
Trust is one of the main things that pushes people to open up.
If you trust somebody, you’ll naturally feel comfortable talking to them about different things.
Show him that you’re trustworthy by slowly building up the trust in your relationship and showing him that he can depend on you!
According to Kendra Cherry, MSEd, trust allows a person to be vulnerable with other people, feel secure, and form closeness and intimacy.
To build this trust, healthy behavior on your part such as this aids the process:
- Keeping your promises;
- Staying consistent with your interactions;
- Telling him that you’re there for him;
- Offering help whenever he needs it.
By doing this, you’re telling him that you’re a dependable and rational person whose shoulder he can lend.
Show him readiness, willingness, and empathy whenever he’s in a time of need, and he’ll naturally start feeling comfortable with opening up at his own pace.
3. Show him that you’re interested in what he has to say by asking questions.
Everybody wants to be seen and heard, and your guy is no different.
Show interest in his life and aid him to communicate his feelings by sending him a question or two about him and his interests.
For example, “How do you feel about it?” can make him text a bit more regarding his interests, problems, or day-to-day matters.
Asking questions like these will help him ease into opening up because you’re showing that you care instead of trying to get his topic over with.
In general, men aren’t often asked about their feelings, so they don’t expect people to take an interest in them.
By asking him to further specify, you’re making him feel heard and appreciated—and that makes him more prone to wanting to express himself in the future.
However, be careful not to ask too many out-of-pocket questions as he might be put on the spot and want to pull away.
4. Be a great listener whenever he needs one.
We already know the fact that the majority of people prefer talking over listening. This discourages a lot of people from opening up.
They believe that the other person isn’t paying attention, doesn’t care, or/and dismissing their thoughts and feelings.
So be attentive when your guy starts texting you about things that resemble opening up (e.g. talking about his day, or something from his past).
- Don’t try to rush his story;
- Don’t delay your replies;
- Give him the space to do most of the talking;
- Chime in from time to time to show empathy and encourage him to continue his story;
- Give him your opinion and advice if he asks for them;
- Don’t dismiss his feelings or make it sound like he’s exaggerating.
It takes a lot for guys to open up, sometimes they may not even be aware they’re doing it.
If he knows that you’re there for him, willing to listen and be attentive, he’ll feel more inclined to open up to you.
He needs to know that he has your full, undivided attention and that he’s cared for.
5. Show how much you appreciate him and your connection.
If you want to help him open up through text, you can try showing how much you appreciate him.
Sometimes, men are reluctant to open up because they think that it may result in their partner losing interest or respect.
Show him that you love him no matter what and that what he’s feeling is a normal part of human nature.
- Tell him that you love him;
- Compliment him on the great things he has done;
- Tell him how thankful you are to have him in your life:
- Ask about how he feels;
- Make it known that you would never judge him;
- Express readiness to help him.
If he starts realizing that he would never lose you over the fact that he went against “social constructs,” he’s going to allow himself to open up.
For him to start opening up, he first will need to know whether he can trust you 100% to not develop an aversion.
Give him all of your love and support!
6. Let your text conversations flow easily and naturally.
You want to avoid saying things like “Can we talk about the fact that you’re not opening up to me?”
You want to avoid making him feel like he’s being accused or put on the spot.
Try letting the text conversation take its natural course whenever you text him.
Instead of telling him what to do or say, give him the time and space to naturally talk about private matters.
He’s going to find comfort in the fact that he can talk freely and naturally to you.
In this case, one topic leads to another, and he might start opening up naturally since he doesn’t feel pressured into opening up.
7. Be patient with the rate at which he opens up and don’t rush him.
We may sometimes get impatient and worried about the fact that somebody we consider close to us, doesn’t open up to us.
However, it’s important to understand that this is about them, not us.
We should put ourselves in their shoes: “Would I appreciate it if someone rushed me to do something I’m not ready to do?” Definitely not!
Guys aren’t used to opening up and confiding in other people this way, so chances are that if a man starts opening up, he will do so by taking baby steps.
He’s going to slowly open up to you in his way, and we must remain patient to not discourage him.
8. Avoid forcing him to open up — he’ll do it when he’s ready.
The absolute worst thing we can do in a situation like this is force the other person to pour their heart out.
We should empathize with the way the other person is feeling.
We don’t know what’s going on with somebody else’s life, and we shouldn’t assume!
Don’t push him to open up even though he has expressed an unwillingness to: let him feel ready.
Avoid using forceful speech to get him to talk, and avoid punishing him by giving him silent treatment when he doesn’t.
He’s not a child who isn’t eating his vegetables. He’s a grown man with his own life and problems going on.
Avoid saying things along the lines of “Come on! Tell me! I promise I won’t tell anybody else.”
Do not punish him by ignoring him after he doesn’t comply.
This might make you seem insensitive and untrustworthy in his eyes, hence, pushing him further away.
9. Encourage and talk to him about it.
Of course, you can try encouraging him to open up subtly and respectfully!
Some men don’t pay much attention to communication in that aspect, so there is a big chance that most of the time, they don’t see it as something worth mentioning.
You can try telling him:
“You can talk to me about anything.”
Or something that gets the point of your care and willingness across in a respectful, yet obvious way.
Let him know that you’re always down to communicate whenever he wants to, and there’s no need for him to hesitate or feel embarrassed.
Opening up to people is, in general, a healthy thing to do as it helps form connections and intimacy.
Also, the feeling of being understood takes some weight off one’s chest.
If communication and closeness are things that you seek in a relationship—any relationship—feel free to tell your guy that.
Tell him that he’s free to open up about the stuff that bothers him and that you would never judge him for it.
Chances are he’ll give it a longer thought and come to the conclusion that he does want to form a deeper connection with you.
10. Respect his decision of not wanting to open up at all.
At the end of the day, some people just aren’t the type to show any sign of vulnerability, especially at the early beginning of a relationship or through text.
You might have tried all there is to try, and he hasn’t budged.
And if so, his decision and feelings should be respected: there is no point in pushing the matter.
This will only annoy and upset him.
He has his reasons for not communicating his feelings, and they should be taken into consideration.
Give him space and avoid pressuring him. Sometimes, silence is an answer too.
Don’t do this if you want him to open up – Things to avoid doing to encourage self-expression!
Above we looked at some of the dos of encouraging a man to open up, but what about the don’ts?
We can’t forget about the don’ts: negative behavior that might make a man unwilling to open up!
– Don’t use what he’s already told you against him.
We should be cautious of the things we are told: don’t bring up what he’s opened up about in a hurtful and disrespectful way.
A lot of people who have problems expressing themselves open up in different ways and rates.
This is equivalent to throwing the trust they have given us in their face.
– Don’t put him on the spot!
We shouldn’t point any fingers or put people on the spot to make them open up about something.
Not only will it not work, but it will make them feel uncomfortable and upset.
– Don’t rush or/and force him to express what he’s feeling.
As we already know, we should put ourselves in others’ shoes and think about what might or might not make them feel negative.
Rushing and forcing him to do something he has his reasons for not doing will make him feel negative emotions.
He will open up if and when he’s ready.
– Don’t “punish” him.
Punishing him when he refuses to open up to you is never a good idea. You want to:
- avoid ignoring his texts;
- avoid berating him for not opening up;
- avoid mocking him for it;
These are all forms of psychological punishment that should be avoided to maximize his sense of comfort and security.
– Don’t judge him.
One of the main reasons why men avoid talking their feelings out is because of the judgment that comes afterward.
Avoid using harsh words that may be perceived as offensive whenever he opens up at the slightest.
He will see this as a red light and a reason to not open up.
– Don’t be the only one holding the mic!
And by this I mean, give him space to text you something about himself too!
Give him the space and opportunity to open up about himself first, and then private matters after.
Ask him about his day, interests, hobbies, and day-to-day life!
Allow the conversation to flow between the two of you while both of you participate.
Getting a guy to open up over text isn’t easy…
Opening up to one another lays the groundwork for intimacy and closeness to be formed.
However, getting to that point takes time, effort, trust, and bonding. It isn’t that easy. Hence, being patient during the process is very important.
We can encourage them, however, not force them to open up: this isn’t the right thing to do.
Love,
Callisto
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