Beating a player at his own game has been glorified among blogs and so-called experts all over the internet.
I’ve done it all. I “played the player” back, and I surely beat him at his own game. But instead of feeling fulfilled, at the end of it, I was left feeling empty.
Care to know my achievement at the time? I’ve broken a heart already broken, I’ve rewoken his trauma, and I’ve wasted valuable time on toxic things.
So, how do you deal with a player the right way?
Here’s how you beat a player at his own game, the realistic way!
1. Consider whether playing games with him is worth your time.
Realizing you’ve been played can be a hard pill to swallow.
I know the wrath you feel within, I know the self-doubt, and the eagerness to give him a taste of his own medicine.
I acted upon it, without considering whether playing a player is worth my time. I fell prey to my impulses. I wanted to beat the inventor of the game. Go figure!
I’ve learned my lesson the hard way. You have the chance not to.
Once the anger, sadness, and eagerness for vengeance cool off a little, you’ve got to consider a few things with a clear head.
Part of what he did or does to you and other people is engraved in his subconsciousness. This is “normal”, it’s what he does without question.
He’s continuously trying to protect himself from hurt, and he’s been doing this for a very long time. He knows exactly what he’s doing.
This doesn’t make him a heartless person, a journey for a revenge trophy, nor the person equivalent of a healing project you should take upon yourself.
If you choose to devote your time to playing a player then you choose to:
- Learn unhealthy ways of practicing a relationship which can be very difficult to unlearn once you get the revenge you wanted.
- Miss out on opportunities for genuine connections with other people.
- Set yourself back from self-care, healing, and finding yourself.
- Put yourself on his level. You train yourself to think like him, and this can make you blind to genuine people in the future.
It’s normal to feel what you’re feeling right now, and yes, it’s unfair what he did to you.
However, what you choose to do can set a base for how you create future connections with other people.
Do you want to spend time making a revenge plan that might pair you with toxic traits, or do you want to take this as a valuable lesson and focus on yourself?
2. Set and respect your boundaries firmly.
Setting clear and firm boundaries is very important when dealing with a player.
The negative experiences make us learn lessons. Those experiences sometimes open our eyes to valuable lessons such as the importance of setting boundaries.
Being familiar with the treatment of a player, I’m pretty sure he ignored or even disrespected your boundaries despite your ways of communicating them.
The process of setting your boundaries will help you have a better understanding of what’s right for you and what isn’t.
Think of the way you’d like to be treated, and the things you won’t tolerate, and try prioritizing yourself.
This will help you maintain a better viewpoint of yourself, ultimately, helping you establish a healthier level of self-esteem and self-respect.
Here’s what you can do to set clear boundaries that help you establish a healthier viewpoint of yourself:
- Know your limits and act upon them. For example, say your “No” fiercely when you don’t feel comfortable doing something you don’t want to do.
- Understand that it is not your responsibility to heal other people without them trying for themselves.
- Know what’s a dealbreaker for you.
- Do not tolerate disrespectful behavior. Define what disrespectful means to you, and communicate it openly. Do not tolerate it if it’s done on purpose.
- Figure out what you want and need from a connection, and make it clear to your partner as well.
- Know when to draw the line. You don’t have to please or heal everybody. Say your “nos” and your “yeses” without fear!
A player is likely to be very disrespectful and disregard your boundaries.
Nevertheless, if you feel like trying it, you have to make your boundaries clear to him.
If those boundaries are continuously crossed and you find yourself continuously having to repeat them or speak up about them, you have the right to walk away.
3. Resist the tempting thoughts such as “I can heal him.”
Hollywood did its deed in the highly romantic narrative of a player which almost became a standard illusion for most people.
They portrayed a player as magnetic, fragile, and worst of all, a person you can heal without him knowing about it.
Those movies you’ve watched now will contribute to another strong temptation when you encounter a player: the urge to heal him and the feeling that you’ll be the one to change him.
You’re aware of his fragility and his defenses. Your nurturing and caring nature kicks in and you want to heal and protect him.
However, the overwhelming emotions can easily cloud your judgment and you might find yourself not resisting the temptation you’re feeling.
Well, resist it!
I too, just like you, thought I’d change him with love, care, and kindness. “Nobody ever treated him right,” I thought.
Well, I ended up romanticizing him, thinking the end would be like one of the Hollywood movies.
I ended up crying alone in my bedroom with a broken heart and shattered hopes because I clashed so harshly with reality.
- What you’ll deal with is rejection, passive aggressiveness, lack of communication, toxicity, and disrespect. Despite your attempts to heal him with your devoted love.
- What he needs is therapy. Unless you’re a therapist, you can’t heal him.
4. Be cautious of unrealistically high hopes.
Another thing to be careful of when dealing with a player is high hopes.
Sure, he might fall in love with you. But what are the odds? Well, that ambiguity leads to unrealistically high hopes.
You’ll get high hopes that he’ll change and be good to you someday. And he will, but he’ll return to his erratic behavior again.
You’re likely to be promised “It won’t happen again,” just to have him repeat himself about the exact same thing.
However, that doesn’t make you resistant to hope. On the contrary, it makes you believe more and more that he’ll be entirely yours someday.
Due to the toxic nature of the connection with a player, the connection can have extreme highs and lows.
The highs are so good they make you hopeful when you’re experiencing the lows.
Such a dynamic can lead to unrealistic expectations such as having an exclusive relationship with him someday, healing him, making him yours, or ‘taming’ him to your needs.
- A realistic approach helps you protect yourself from a harsh clash with reality when you find out those expectations aren’t going to be met.
- He’s unlikely to meet your expectations. He didn’t meet mine, and my heart got shattered. So save yourself the tears, and try maintaining a realistic view.
5. Avoid oversharing.
When dealing with a player you should be mindful of the personal things you share with him.
Giving him too much information about yourself can make it easier for him to manipulate you.
As much as it can be hard to believe, a player can use your weaknesses to get what he wants from you.
- A player knows exactly what to say, and eventually, he’ll know what you want to hear or see in him. So don’t give him that power.
- Part of being cautious is being careful with the way you carry yourself around him.
- Stay loyal to your boundaries, and don’t let yourself get carried away.
6. You can cut it off entirely.
Another way of dealing with a player is choosing to not deal with him at all.
I might be biased on this, but this is my favorite way to deal with someone who likes playing you.
You not only deal with it like a boss, you actually outplay a player at his own game.
You made the first step by noticing his games. The second best step? Leave it there, and deal with high-value things that matter in your life!
You have to understand that you cannot change him. A therapist can, not you.
On the other hand, it has to be his choice, his decision, to heal for him to heal the issues he’s dealing with.
Now, as long as he sticks to his toxic traits to get what he wants from you there will be no improvement no matter how unconditional your love might be.
That being said and considered, you have every single right to choose not to deal with a player at all.
You’ll benefit from this decision in a myriad of aspects including your mental and emotional health.
This can be your way of taking care of yourself.
Not sure how to cut it off? Here are some lines that’ll help you craft your own when telling him it’s over:
- “It’s been great getting to know you. However, I don’t see our intentions matching. We want different things from this connection, and it’s not going to work for me. I wish you all the best!”
- “It’s clear that we don’t want the same things from our connection. This is where I draw the line. It’s not going to work for me. I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t insist because I’ve made up my mind already. All the best!”
- “We are not on the same page and we’re both aware of it. It’s best that we end it here. I wish you an amazing life! Thank you and I’m sorry.”
The 5 ground-breaking reasons why playing a player is highly toxic and unhealthy!
The “advice” thrown around the internet doesn’t cease to amaze me!
You’re told to beat him at his own game, making him chase you, or seduce him so that he sticks with you and only you.
The bad news that you’re not told, however, is that you cannot make him do anything if he doesn’t want to do it, at least not for the long term.
If you were looking for ways to play a player, you’re not going to find it here!
Here’s why playing a player is highly toxic and unhealthy:
- You’re going to worsen his trauma and confirm his worst fears which can make him reluctant to seek therapy.
- Outplaying a player involves a lot of mind games and manipulation tactics. It can easily turn you into a bad guy.
- He is not going to learn his lesson and will treat other people the same way or even worse.
- You’re going to waste quite an amount of your valuable time playing a game of manipulation that won’t serve anyone any good.
- You risk learning toxic ways of handling situations in relationships with other people.
How do you lose feelings for a player?
The hardest part of this bumpy road is that, unlike him, you’ve caught feelings. You care about this person.
“Oh, just let him go. What do you see in a player?” is easier said than done, and I’m not talking from a pedestal here! I’ve been there.
The best way to turn the tables on a player is to leave him and not deal with him at all. But it’s the feelings that set you back from making such a decision.
So, how do you lose feelings for a player?
Here’s how you see things clearly enough to gain strength and move forward:
– Prioritize yourself: Take a look at his behavior and how it is affecting you.
Unconditional love is beautiful indeed. However, when it isn’t reciprocated it can turn toxic.
Understanding this will make it a lot easier for you to see past his dreamy eyes and sweet little habits.
Take a look at how he treats you, your boundaries, and your presence. That’s not going to feel good, and it’s not going to look pretty.
The moment you see how unfair he is to you will be the moment you gain the strength to leave him and love yourself more than letting yourself be treated poorly.
– Avoid seeing him as a victim and excuse his inexcusable behavior.
He is dealing with his trauma, which is understandable. However, that doesn’t give him the right to treat you the way he does.
Excusing his inexcusable behavior because of his rough past can make you have an unrealistic approach to the point where you idealize him and his pain.
Let it go and understand that this is his responsibility.
– Turn to yourself for healing: start taking care of yourself.
Self-care isn’t just about maintaining your hygiene and looking your best. It’s part of it, but it’s not all that self-care is.
Educate yourself on borders, mental health, and relationships. Try understanding the borders that define toxic and healthy.
That will help you have a better understanding of how unhealthy his behavior is. In turn, you’ll have cold feet and ultimately, you’ll know you deserve better.
Rely on your support system when you need to feel loved or when you need a shoulder to cry on: your friends, family, or therapist.
Eventually, you’ll find yourself gaining strength and confidence. And finally, the realization that you deserve better will hit you and it will set you free.
Leave a Reply