Dealing with the breakup isn’t easy, especially if you are the one who contributed to ending it.
Different reasons and circumstances might lead you to this situation. Life progresses in this way.
The lack of love, compassion or even you aren’t always elements that fuel the breakup.
Now you might have ruined a relationship. In the stages of the breakup, you will experience freedom, anxiety, and loneliness.
To rebuild the relationship with someone who you might have hurt you need to earn their trust again.
You can do it by admitting your flaws and mistakes first.
The most important thing to do is to spend time on your own and work on these flaws.
You need to remember that you are the one that should take responsibility for your actions.
To know exactly which steps to take, here are 14 tips from experts on how to fix the relationship you ruined:
1. Try to understand their stance toward you
When you hit the dumper’s remorse stage you can become quietly enthusiastically to get back together.
Yet, know that not everything depends on your will to fix a relationship you ruined.
Your ex’s stance plays a major role in whether you can fix the relationship or not.
Sometimes, they might be quietly hurt and might have moved on already.
That doesn’t mean that they did not love you or have not yet some feelings for you.
It’s just the post-breakup period that makes them reflect and choose what’s the best for them.
If you have been using No Contact or vice versa, try to reconnect with them first on social media.
Only that way, you will be informed of how your ex feels about you at that exact moment.
Besides, if you have mutual friends, you will have an idea of what your ex thinks and feels about you.
2. Be honest and don’t give them false expectations
After you have been informed about your ex’s stance, it’s time for you to take action.
When you want to fix a broken relationship, you need to be transparent and have clear intentions.
If you are still confused about your feelings or you are anxious and lonely, then take your time.
Until you make sure that you are nourished and want to go back to make it work, don’t do it.
If you have cheated then rebuilding trust needs more work. Your reasons for coming back should be convincing.
According to a study based on science, you can achieve that by having these elements:
3. Avoid playing mind games
The worst scenario to fix a broken relationship is by playing mind games.
Playing hard to get, breadcrumbing your ex, and controlling them will only push them away.
If you do it then you won’t respect your ex’s boundaries and won’t be honest with them.
An ex that is hurt will sense this negative aura that will be created.
Instead of making your ex jealous, you need to list down the reasons why you want to date them again.
- Make them feel heard and understood;
- Let them know that you truly want to make things change;
When you create a plan on your own to fix a relationship you ruined, you might miss some main points. That’s because you can’t think subjectively at that moment.
To create a better plan, you need the help of a personal coach. They will create a specific plan for you so you can operate securely and not make any mistakes.
At one moment you might think that acting hard to pursue or making your ex jealous will fix your relationship.
Hence, that might ruin it even more. Coaches from Relationship Hero will give you any needed advice regarding this matter!
4. Rebuild slowly the lost trust
Rebuilding the lost trust from scratches is not easy. Yet, you need to learn to be precise and patient.
- Set a goal and try to work towards that goal;
- Take responsibility for what you have done;
- Apologize for what you have done;
- Show slowly that you have changed, and let your ex know that you are not approaching them in vain;
- Try to understand how your ex is feeling and their anger;
You need to let your ex know that you have let the past go and you are looking forward to the future.
Take one step at a time and don’t try to be a perfectionist and make it work for the first time.
Keep in mind that rebuilding trust requires time and you need to be patient.
5. Try to fix your communication
Most of the time lack of communication is the reason for making the relationship fail.
If you had a hard time expressing your feelings and communicating them then you should work on it.
Spent some time on your own and define what you are feeling.
Once you know how you are feeling, it will be easier for you to understand your ex’s needs too.
After you have worked on yourself, start by just being their friend first.
Show them that you care and that you are compassionate about them.
Only by offering your help and understanding them, you can fix the way you communicate.
6. Look out for anything that you need to work on
When the relationship and its issues carry you on, you can’t reflect properly at that moment.
After the breakup happens, you can reflect differently and pin down the problem.
Maybe you had trouble committing or compromising. Either way, try to work on these flaws as you take some time apart.
It doesn’t mean that is impossible to work on these flaws. You just need to have the will to want to change.
Take a journal and write down what could have made you ruin the relationship.
By writing what you feel and what could have gone wrong, you will find the reason.
Based on that, you can write a little guideline of what you need to do to change it.
Despite it, you can get the help of a therapist that will help you reflect on why you are afraid of commitment.
7. Make sure to spend some time apart
The answer to how to fix a damaged relationship is to distance yourself until you’re fully nourished.
I am not implying to ignore your ex but you need to focus on your self-improvement for some time.
It depends on your breakup whether you want to enter a No Contact phase or not.
You can decide to work on yourself without using the No Contact Rule.
Set a few boundaries but don’t disappear without any explanation.
Otherwise, if you initiated the breakup and disappear, you will send the wrong message to your ex.
Instead of doing it, you can set certain boundaries such as:
- Delete your social media for a while;
- Keep yourself busy with different hobbies and activities;
- Avoid hanging out with mutual friends;
8. Avoid accusing your ex
A healthy comeback means that you need to also understand what your ex is feeling.
A breakup doesn’t always happen just because of one person.
Sometimes, multiple reasons and circumstances initiate the breakup.
That’s why when you decide to fix the relationship, you should be able to forgive yourself and your ex.
If you have the first conversation after the breakup and start to accuse them, they will back up.
That’s quite normal because they are waiting for you to fix things.
If you want to spot the mistakes and what can be done differently, you can do it differently.
Speak about what you can change in yourself first. Create for your ex the space where they can reflect and accept change.
9. Reassure your ex that you have changed
Persistence and honesty are two elements that can reassure your ex about your change.
You show step by step how you have worked on your flaws. You need to show what are your priorities and goals for the moment.
You need to let your ex know what you are going to do to make this relationship work again.
Make a plan of what you want to change and slowly implement it.
You don’t need to tell them that you have changed, you need to show it.
- You can do it through your meaningful gestures;
- Have consistent behavior;
- Do the things that needed to be done properly in your relationship;
10. Be ready to be criticized by your ex
When you have that first interaction with your ex after the breakup, you are going to be criticized.
That’s quite normal because they are hurt and maybe they expected more from you.
If your ex isn’t ignoring you but criticizes you then that doesn’t mean they hate you.
They might have still feelings for you but are bitter because of their experience with you.
- Be ready to face their words with maturity and try to listen to them.
- Give your opinions and tell me what you can do differently.
- Don’t be afraid or too proud to agree with them if what they say is accurate.
- Show compassion and be practical.
Otherwise, if you keep criticizing them too and not offering any solution, the relationship won’t work.
You will start arguing and this will make you distant even more.
11. Respect their boundaries and set yours
Even though you ruined the relationship, you need to have your vision and priorities.
If you don’t set boundaries yourself then you will have this dance according to your ex’s rules.
I am not implying to not listen or respect your ex’s needs.
This needs to be reciprocated. If you have your boundaries, they need to have their boundaries too.
This way you will show your maturity and what you are willing to do to make the relationship work.
Be cooperative with them and don’t put only your needs first.
Try to complement one another by sharing your needs and fulfilling them together.
12. Know that it takes time to rebuild a broken relationship
This is the most important tip of them all: Be patient!
Yes, I know that you are all enthusiastic to change the situation especially if you love them so hard.
Hence, each of you needs time and space to decide what’s best for you.
Give your ex time to reflect and decide for themselves. They need to see your change and your true intentions.
Otherwise, if you try to manipulate their feelings and thoughts, they are going to distance themselves.
- Show them that you have changed but give them the needed time to answer.
- Keep contacting them from time to time and be persistent.
- Check on them when necessary and be helpful.
- Be genuine every time you interact with them, keep doing it because you feel it not because you need to.
You should give your ex some space, time, emotional, and emotional respect just by being honest and respectful.
13. Don’t romanticize your relationship
Everyone tends to romanticize a broken relationship. You only are stuck on good memories because you want this relationship to work this time.
Set some facts or reasons why you want to fix this relationship. Keep thinking of what broke your relationship and what you can do about it.
If you were self-centered then work on it. Try to be more compassionate, start small.
You don’t need to change everything immediately. Life is a process and progress isn’t linear.
Some days are going to be bad whereas other days you are going to be more productive.
The rebuilding should be a success for you both and don’t make this only for you!!!
14. Accept the fact that the relationship you had might not be the same anymore
Once the trust is broken is quite hard to earn it back.
This all depends on the reason you broke up and if your ex still has feelings for you.
After the breakup, your ex might change their needs and what they feel towards you.
Fixing a broken relationship doesn’t mean that all you have to do is apologize.
That means that you need to give much more effort to mending it than when you start a relationship.
- Now, you need to make your ex feel secure in the relationship.
- You need to let them know that your priority is to work on yourself and fix the relationship.
- Avoid flirting too much at the beginning because that’s not necessary.
Extra text messages to fix a relationship you ruined
It’s not easy to craft a message that will show everything that you want to say after a broken relationship.
I know that you have so much to say and your thoughts are twisted.
A message to fix a broken relationship is the start of showing your intentions.
The first message that you send should be crafted to show your repentance.
Make it sound genuine and heartfelt.
Apologizing to your ex:
~ “Hey, I know you are mad and you’re right. I was being unfair to you. I am so sorry…”
~ “I know that you are frustrated and have the right to hate me. I am aware of my mistakes and want to make it up to you.”
~ “I have not been good to you this past time. For one thing, I am sure that I want to spend my life with you.”
~ “Once the trust is broken is hard to build. Yet, even if I have to build it every day and night, I will do it for you.”
Making them sure you are not breadcrumbing them:
~ “I have realized that there is nothing in this life more important than you. I know that is not easy to forgive me, but I will wait…”
~ “True love isn’t found, is built. You are my true love and I am ready to fight and fix it.”
~ “All relationships have ups and downs but I was a fool to not fight more. You deserve the best of this life…”
~ “I saw a quote that said: You don’t run from the people you love, you fight for them. That’s what I am willing to do for you.”
Showing compassion that you understand them:
~“Look, after reflecting, I understand the way you behaved. It’s normal.”
~“I know that I can’t fix others or a relationship. I need to fix myself first. You were right.”
~ “I sucked at communicating my feelings and was blind to not realize it. I can understand how you feel towards me.”
~ “You have been trying to love me right all this time but I couldn’t see it. I want to compensate for all that now.
~ “I am so sorry that I didn’t listen to what you were trying to convey to me. Now I am willing to be a good student and work with you.”
Can a damaged relationship be rebuilt?
Yes, a damaged relationship can be rebuilt only if you work on yourself first and have genuine intentions.
I am not implying that this is possible all the time. It also depends on how your ex feels about you.
Hence, that doesn’t feel the same as before because the trust is broken.
Even if there was cheating or just emotional betrayal, feelings will change at some point.
Most of the time, in the cases where you might have cheated, a partner finds it hard to forgive.
That’s because when someone is cheated on and dumped, they feel unimportant and worthless.
Their confidence is crushed that’s why it takes more time to fix it and sometimes it doesn’t work.
If you have been on and off the relationship and repeating the same mistakes, that’s more difficult.
Your ex might be convinced that you will do the same mistakes all over again.
In this situation, your ex is skeptical about mending a broken relationship.
For them, it feels like they are stuck in a vicious circle.
Where there is no progress multiple times, a broken relationship can’t be fixed.
John Gottman said: “We repeat what we don’t repair.”
How to fix a relationship you destroyed?
The only way to fix a relationship you destroyed is to reflect on yourself, be vulnerable, and take things slowly.
Change isn’t something that can happen in a blink of an eye. You need to pin down everything and have a specific plan.
Any relationship and breakup are different, so you need to take any of these tips according to your situation.
Problems are evident in every relationship, and working out these issues is not always possible.
Sometimes, love, commitment, and consistency seem to not be enough to make a relationship work.
You need to work on yourself before justifying yourself that you want to fix what you have broken.