It is quite normal to feel overwhelmed, hurt, in pain and confused after experiencing a breakup. Sometimes after it, you have your defenses up which causes refusal to face reality.
Being covered up in confusion you wonder whether you should talk to your ex after the breakup or if you should be distant for some time (e.g. going No Contact for 30 days at least).
There are a few elements to be checked before you make this decision.
Reflect on your situation. Ask yourself what was the reason that led to your breakup; Was it that bad that would imply a low rate of getting back together?
Would you want to stir those feelings and get drawn back into a relationship that once didn’t work out? Or is there any second chance to give and be given?
Depending on your situation it is better to give your ex and yourself some time to reflect.
Even if the breakup wasn’t bad, an immediate connection will lead both of you to confusion and will prevent you from having a different point of view of your relationship.
Should I talk to my ex after breaking up? Yes, if one of these situations resonates with you:
1. If you broke up on good terms and needed some time off to grow as a person;
2. When your ex didn’t have a negative impact on you or that your relationship wasn’t toxic;
3. If you were part of a platonic relationship and upgraded the relationship into a romantic one. Then you can always revert to being friends if things went well when you split;
4. If you saw signs that your relationship isn’t over for good;
5. During the breakup or even during No Contact your ex has shown signs of remorse;
6. When after the breakup you’re sure that your feelings or your ex’s feelings haven’t changed;
7. When your ex isn’t a part of a new relationship;
8. When you already know why you want to get back;
How long should you wait to talk to your ex after a breakup?
*The reasons and advice below are directly linked with the dumpee!
Once you’re content with yourself, you feel independent and joyful; You sense that your thoughts aren’t affected by strong emotions, that’s the moment you’re ready to make a decision on whether you want to talk to your ex after the breakup or not.
Being calm and not overwhelmed is a more suitable state to make such a decision.
If you feel the urge to talk to your ex because you need their attention or you are desperate and want to make them relieve your pain or get them back, then it’s better to maintain distance.
Your decision is going to be based on irrationality, and it may lead you to regret it once everything calms down. Hence, you need to keep your distance for a while longer.
Being distant helps you to focus more on yourself and get a bigger picture of your relationship.
~ Don’t try to reach out to your ex when they’re running away from you. This usually happens at the beginning of the breakup before and during the No Contact Rule.
~ Look out for signs of persistence. When you notice that your ex is persistent with you and gives signs that want to reconnect with you, that’s the moment when you should take these signs into consideration and initiate the conversation with your ex.
~ Reflect more on your ex and your previous relationship. To know how long you shouldn’t talk to your ex depends on your ex’s personality, the reason you broke up, and the type of relationship you had.
If you are hurt and the breakup wasn’t amicable you need more time to heal and make a decision. But, if you are healed and past the breakup and your ex didn’t contact you yet, you should give it a try just to check them and test the waters.
Sometimes it might take a month, 45 days, or even more than that to heal from the breakup and reach out to your ex.
Note
But, if you are the dumper and want to contact your ex then the best time to contact them is when you’re healed and you have a strong reason to go back to that relationship.
Don’t go back just because you feel lonely, you miss your ex’s presence, you don’t want to date someone else, you are stuck in limbo, or just because you miss them for a moment
14 tips on how to talk with your ex after the breakup:
*Before using these tips you should have a certain aim why do you want to have this first talk after the breakup.
Whether you are going to stay just friends, win your ex back, or even if you ended on good terms you want to tell your ex that you have moved on. Then you can use them according to your situation.
1. Don’t rush into making a conversation without being emotionally stable
Sometimes, it takes time to be back on track once you’re hurt.
The moment you’re healed and you don’t label your ex as an enemy anymore then you’ll know that talking to your ex won’t be an issue. Don’t initiate a conversation without having anything specific or important to say.
It doesn’t matter if you are the one who initiates the texts or your ex reaches out to you first but once you are still emotionally unstable to go back again then this will lead both of you to uncertainty.
If you are emotionally unstable go for No Contact. Through this rule, you’ll gain self-confidence, gain a new perspective about your relationship, and choose whether you want to be back in that relationship.
2. When you are healed: start by initiating a text
What is worth considering before sending a post-breakup text is their experience, where they are at the moment emotionally, or if their feelings have changed through this time.
That’s when you know what type of approach to have in order to not be stiff and awkward.
Then you might start with a neutral text to just know where they’re at because you are going back to their life again.
3. Should I call my ex now?
If you’ve been working on yourself after the breakup and your ex has been interested in you here and there, first you should start with a text.
Then after having an idea of what your ex is currently feeling about you, you can have a phone call.
Keep it light and calm at the first phone call, avoid bringing up past issues. Be fun and lighthearted but yet don’t overshare or be overwhelmed because it is still the beginning of the recovery.
4. It’s normal to have a moment of weakness while talking
It is pretty common for everyone to have a moment of weakness when in contact with someone they loved/love after a long time. You’re no exception.
Even though you might be healed after the breakup you might have a moment of weakness during the first talk.
Try to be calm, set your boundaries, and not overreact. Try to overcome your past mistakes by mentioning them and trying to find a way to make your relationship work better.
5. Smoothly mention what could be done differently in your relationship
Instead of focusing on blaming one another and mentioning the negative side of your past relationship, focus more on what you can do differently so you can maintain this relationship.
Start the conversation lightly and reflect firstly on your own mistakes and if you did things differently then the outcomes would be different.
If you were using the No Contact Rule then the distance would have its impact on your ex, giving him or her the right time to reflect too.
Note: You can try this with a relationship that wasn’t totally damaged or if you weren’t in a toxic relationship with a controlling person.
During these cases, it is quite hard and nearly impossible for your ex to accept mistakes and work on them and things might go wrong. It’s important that you keep your calm, and take things lightly.
6. Let your ex know that your change is long-term
Whether you are the dumper or the dumpee it is quite important to show that you have made a long-term change.
It doesn’t mean to be done through a forced process. If you weren’t emotionally stable enough and begged your ex to come back, now you should show the strength and confidence that you’ve gained.
It is important to show the change with your actions and not words. The process of communication can start with a text, call, then maybe meet in person.
*Be neutral and have a straight point. Don’t communicate just for the sake of communicating. Convey your new energy, mindset, and the way you feel.
7. Listen to what your ex has to say: don’t be the only one who does the talking
When you talk to your ex after the break up whether on the phone or you meet them in person, you should be attentive and listen to what they’re saying.
Even if you are the dumpee it doesn’t mean that all the conversation should revolve around you. That will have a negative impact on your ex and will prevent you from learning about your ex’s attitude towards the breakup, your relationship, and you.
8. If you have been using the No Contact Rule don’t jump into meeting them right away
I know that it is quite impossible to not feel the urge to directly meet your ex after the breakup after you haven’t seen them in a while.
Even if you are the one who initiated the No Contact or not, it is better for you to take things one by one.
It is better to initiate the conversation or even reply to them via text. Texting before calling helps you in having a pre-reaction from your ex.
Try meeting with one another after you have gone through texting and calling since jumping immediately into meeting one another and chatting can have a negative effect – can be overwhelming.
That’s because you might have other expectations and maybe even imagine how the conversation might work but it might go the opposite of what you thought it would be.
9. Have a small talk and don’t jump into oversharing
Talking to an ex after the breakup can be overwhelming at times and knowing how to deliver your thoughts and feelings properly will have a huge impact on the final results.
No matter if you talk over the phone, via texting, or in person, you should be neutral and share briefly what you have been doing differently since you two broke up.
Take things one step at a time. Giving unnecessary details can make you look like you’re accusing your ex or will be a source of information for your ex to know more than needed about how you are feeling at that moment.
10. Have an organic conversation and don’t overthink it
It is important to have some kind of idea of what you’re going to talk about or mention through the first conversation after the breakup.
Yet, you should not overthink it and go strictly to that plan since it might seem forced and uninteresting.
If you had in mind to mention your boundaries first then you can mention it later on when that topic is linked to what you’re talking about.
11. Share some fresh news about people that you both know
The first talk after the breakup should be considered as a pivot of rebuilding your bond. The first talk should be about rebuilding trust and value.
In order to not make the conversation awkward and have something fun and interesting to talk about, you can mention some new things about your mutual friends or family members.
That will help in reminiscing good times that you had with those people and sharing bounding.
12. Be honest and don’t play mind games
If you didn’t have any contact with your ex after the breakup then you don’t know what they are feeling at the moment.
You don’t know if they want to talk to you, whether they will be open with you if your ex is angry at you, or feels sad or wants to reverse his or her decision.
Since you don’t have this type of background information, try to be honest and don’t play mind games.
Be honest, create an emotional connection. This way you are going to know if they are feeling hesitant towards you or whether they have changed a bit since the breakup.
Don’t try to manipulate your ex to get him or her back or revert their feelings about you.
13. Remind yourself that you are not going to have a final result in just one interaction
Understand that the first talk/text/meeting after the breakup might not result in the result you want it to.
You should see it as a chance to break the ice after the breakup and inform your ex a little bit about your position towards the relationship. Also, this is a great chance to get a grip of what your ex is feeling about you.
Still, don’t strain yourself to expect to change everything through that one post-breakup conversation.
14. Don’t have particularly high expectations
One last thing that you should have in mind while talking to your ex after the breakup is to not have your expectations high.
You might create expectations based on the signs that your ex has sent during the breakup and even after that.
Once you set expectations you’re going to spend your energy the wrong way.
As during the No Contact rule you must be focused more on your personal growth the same thing should be done even during the first talk after the breakup.
How do I talk to my ex about closure during the first talk after the breakup?
Closure: “Acknowledging the pain and hurt from the last relationship with your ex, knowing the reason why you broke up and trying to re-establish the broken relationship.”
If you want closure then that could be done also during the first talk after the breakup. Still, you need to find the right way to convey this message.
Even though you went through No Contact to clear your thoughts and get your feelings straight you can use the closure as a way to find peace within yourself.
Here are 4 tips on getting closure:
1. Start with a short and simple text:
“Hey, how has life been treating you lately?”
“Hi, Jack. It’s been a while, how have you been?”
With a simple text, you won’t overshare things, and this way you’ll check the pulse of your ex. Get a glimpse of what your ex is thinking or feeling at that moment.
2. Ask the questions you need answers to. Whatever it is that’s not letting you move on from the relationship, this is the chance to get your answers. Ask them politely, and calmly.
3. Say what you need to say. Of course, while being considerate of your ex’s feelings. It’s a good way to release what’s been holding you back from healing and finding closure.
4. Be prepared to face any type of outcomes. You don’t know what type of reaction you’ll get from your ex, hence the need to prepare yourself.
Your ex might answer honestly about the reason you broke up or about what went wrong, might not want to hear what you have to say, etc.
Get ready for both sides of the story, prepare yourself.
Here are 4 tips on getting closure:
1. Start with a short and simple text:
“Hey, how has life been treating you lately?”
“Hi, Jack. It’s been a while, how have you been?”
With a simple text, you won’t overshare things, and this way you’ll check the pulse of your ex. Get a glimpse of what your ex is thinking or feeling at that moment.
2. Ask the questions you need answers to. Whatever it is that’s not letting you move on from the relationship, this is the chance to get your answers. Ask them politely, and calmly.
3. Say what you need to say. Of course, while being considerate of your ex’s feelings. It’s a good way to release what’s been holding you back from healing and finding closure.
4. Be prepared to face any type of outcomes. You don’t know what type of reaction you’ll get from your ex, hence the need to prepare yourself.
Your ex might answer honestly about the reason you broke up or about what went wrong, might not want to hear what you have to say, etc.
Get ready for both sides of the story, prepare yourself.
Be ready and steady: 15 questions to ask your ex after the breakup
For the sake of making the first talk after the breakup less painful and less awkward, here is the list of 15 questions for different situations:
1. If you want to continue talking to your ex after the break up and stay friends:
~ Can we still hang out as friends or do you need some more time to process it?
~ Help me understand myself better. What’s your least favorite memory that you have with me?
~ Was something annoying that you found in me but never said to me?
~ What went wrong when we didn’t work as a couple but we could be great as friends?
2. If you want to let your ex know that your feelings have changed:
~ Let’s describe our relationship.
~Have your feelings changed after the relationship?
~Has this distance made you reflect more on me, you, and the relationship?
~Do you think we should both take part and are to blame for ending the relationship?
3. If you want your ex back:
~ Did the breakup change the way you see yourself? Do you see yourself differently now than before?
~ It is not that I haven’t thought about it either during the last year but have you ever thought about how long we were going to last?
~ What did you do differently after you broke up with me?
~ Would there be a possibility of getting back together?
FAQ: How can I master the first post-breakup conversation?
1. Is it bad that after a breakup I never talk to that person again?
No, not particularly bad.
One might call it unnecessary or inappropriate when you ignore an ex that has been trying to convey to you that he or she has changed and wants to be part of your life.
If your ex keeps persisting in getting back with you then it is better to show them that you’re not interested in them anymore and that you have come to confusion that you need to move on from this relationship.
2. Should I text first after a breakup?
Yes, there are a few situations when you can text your ex first after the breakup.
If you two ended on good terms and want to have a good relationship as friends or if there were signals that your relationship wasn’t fundamentally over then you might initiate a text.
In addition, you should text first if you want to just clarify the reason you broke up, you have things to pick up from that place, or if you’re married and have a kid then you should text for your mutual deeds and needs.
If you had bad communication and you were the only one to try and maintain the relationship then initiating the text will leave you more confused and you’ll even get or give mixed signals.
3. Is talking with your ex after the break-up good or bad?
It all depends on the type of your personality, on the level of maturity to embrace the past and seek the future.
Once you are healed and talking back to them doesn’t hinder your healing process then you can be friends or even just be on good terms.
Talking back to your ex is bad only if you have been in a toxic relationship and you want to get out of it.
4. Can I attract my ex again during the first talk or bring my ex back?
Getting back the attraction from your ex cannot happen just during the first talk after the breakup since you and your ex might be overwhelmed and exalted or not to reconnect again.
The first talk after a breakup is an opportunity to break the ice after the breakup and reflect on the past and future. You will also have a final thought on whether you should move on from that relationship or reconsider it!
If there are still feelings from one another, and you have already outgrown your mistakes and you are willing to maintain the relationship then the attraction will be rebuilt within time.
As per usual, don’t jump to conclusions so easily. Put yourself first and don’t hesitate to start over!
All the best,
Callisto
Not talking to your ex after the relationship is not bad IF YOU DON’T WANT TO DO IT. You do not have to and it does NOT make you immature. And it works both ways.