Fearful-avoidant dumper: Understanding their psychology and healing

Being dumped by a fearful-avoidant feels like being a part of a roller coaster. 

When a fearful-avoidant feels that your relationship is progressing, they will take a step back.

Their inability to embrace themselves and the fear of adjusting to loving makes them dump you.

High anxiety and negative self-conception draw them back into their shell.

It’s at this moment that they need to be in control of their feelings, actions, and thoughts.

This type of attachment is developed through different stages of their life, starting from childhood.

I understand that in this period, you are very confused and ask yourself what went wrong.

Before knowing how to react in the post-breakup period, first, let’s learn more about this attachment!

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Fearful-avoidant attachment explained

It never means that a fearful avoidant doesn’t want a close relationship.

They start to be distant because they are afraid to lose themselves in the relationship.

That’s why they go back and forth with the relationship and tend to isolate themselves.

This is how they cope with their feelings and the fear of being too close to you.

A fearful-avoidant will initiate the breakup when things are going great and then later welcome back you into their life.

They have these pull-push dynamics that make you confused and disoriented.

These dynamics are a product of the fact that a fearful-avoidant touches two spectrums of attachments.

To have a better idea here are 11 things that a fearful-avoidant does after the breakup:

1. They move on very quickly

Fearful avoidants will move on quite quickly.

Hence, this doesn’t mean that your ex doesn’t have feelings for you. Also, it doesn’t mean that the relationship wasn’t important to them.

This is just a coping mechanism that they use to deal with the guilt of being afraid of closeness.

They are quite euphoric when they initiate the breakup and afterward.

The post-breakup anxiety and loneliness hit them after some weeks of enjoying their freedom.

During this time alone, a fearful-avoidant recharges. That’s when the feelings of wanting you back come to the surface.

They move on quite fast because they think that you will initiate contact and be there for them.

Their toxic trait is that they think you will wait around forever for them.

These times are quite hard to deal with and you will be quite confused.

You should step back and check the following instructions!

12 tips to know exactly how to react when your ex moves on quickly

2. They isolate themselves

For fearful avoidants is quite difficult to be criticized and point out their flaws.

Instead of reflecting on these mistakes or accepting criticism, they start to belittle you.

That’s why they tend to distance themselves and break up with you.

Hence, also, after the breakup, they are aware of what they are doing wrong.

Yet, it seems difficult for them to take a step and come back so they can start fresh with you.

Instead of doing it, fearful avoidants isolated themselves and suffer in silence.

Unlike, partners with anxious attachment styles, fearful avoidants don’t seek relationships to fill their loneliness.

Fearful avoidants are more prone to experience isolation than anxious type.

In this case, they would try to stay at home and not interact with anyone even on social media.

3. They are pondering their decisions

The dumper’s remorse is a part of the post-breakup life of a fearful avoidant too.

Even if a fearful avoidant dumps you, they will regret it later on.

The moment that they enjoy their freedom for up to eight weeks, they will start to miss you.

Technically, a fearful avoidant won’t regret breaking up with you because they don’t enjoy the loneliness.

They will regret the decision because this type of loneliness has become bittersweet for them.

The fact that now they are stuck between wanting love and not being able to accept it, makes them angry and irritated.

They are struggling with whether to initiate contact with you or not.

Nevertheless, they never do it but still think about it!

4. Your ex starts to be anxious

A fearful avoidant is fully anxious and avoidant at the same time.

After the breakup, they start to get anxious when you don’t reach them.

Even though they might initiate the breakup and enjoy it, they still want you to reach out to them first.

They will do it unconsciously or consciously but they use it as a coping mechanism.

If you implemented No Contact with a fearful avoidant then they would be more anxious.

What they can’t stand is that they can’t control their feelings toward you.

The moment you give more space to your fearful avoidant ex, the more they disconnect with you.

They perceive themselves as someone of no value since they feel rejected.

In this situation, a fearful avoidant dumper is having an inner battle.

Their feelings and thoughts clash with one another.

5. They start to see other people

When they want to ease their feelings, thoughts, and pain and keep themselves busy, a fearful avoidant starts to date.

They might jump immediately into a rebound relationship to fill the void and not attach too much.

This is an action so they cannot feel guilty for dumping you. 

Only like this, they can numb their feelings, just by feelings something new.  Something that they know they control.

After that, the same thing will happen with their rebound relationship too.

Constantly, they will be jumping from one relationship to another.

To understand this situation better and understand your ex’s behavior a relationship expert’s extra advice is needed.
You will be asked some specific questions that will help them create a particular plan for your healing process.

6. They try to numb again their feelings

Fearful avoidants are known for numbing feelings. 

A fearful avoidant child will become an adult who will be a pro at numbing their feelings.

This is the only method that people who use this attachment know how to cope with emotional trauma.

If your ex has had this type of attachment since childhood then the moment you start to love them, they will be gone.

That’s because if had a troubled past with their parents then while you’re loving them, they might feel unlovable.

That doesn’t have to do anything with you, but it’s directly connected with them.

So to not feel again the feelings of being unlovable and rejected, just try to disconnect from the world.

7. They are disorganized

Even after the breakup, they are puzzled too.

It comes to a point when they don’t know what they want or what they’re feeling.

This is quite normal because they are anxious and avoidant.

Even though how much they would want to make a relationship work, the avoidant attachment will pull them away.

After the breakup, their thoughts and feelings are disorganized even though they seem to do fine.

Unlike fearful avoidants, people who have an anxious attachment style can sort their feelings out.

Someone with an anxious attachment style will be able to work with their feelings and heal.

Whereas, a fearful avoidant tends to be stuck constantly feeling the same things.

8. They get the urge to have access to your life again

The only way to deal with their decisions and the breakup is by having slight access to your life.

This is the way a typical fearful-avoidant acts.

They will not admit their mistakes or reflect but they need something to hang on to.

In this case, what a fearful avoidant do is send you constantly mixed signals and breadcrumbs you.

In fact, they don’t initiate contact but indirectly give you signs that they need to have access to you.

It doesn’t mean that a fearful avoidant won’t ever initiate contact with you.

They will do it indirectly just when they are anxious, and immediately when they feel avoidant will back up again.

9. They will block you

Since the fearful-avoidant is anxious and avoidant at the same time, they will block you.

They will do this for two reasons.

• The first reason is that they want to get “rid” of you.
• The second reason is that they want to numb their feelings.

Usually, fearful-avoidant dumpers just break up with you without giving any particular reason.

This might make you ask them for closure and contact them constantly after the breakup.

For this reason, your ex is going to block you just to have some time on their own.

On the other hand, they might block you to just ease their urge to contact you.

When a fearful-avoidant feels anxious, they would want to contact you.

Even though they don’t do it.

It is just a short urge that they experience but some choose to block you, so they can control their feelings.

10. They will spend a lot of time going out

Life after the breakup is hard for the fearful-avoidant too.

Just because they initiate the breakup and seem to move on quite fast that doesn’t mean that they are doing good.

They will try to keep themselves busy to not feel anything.

Their coping mechanism is to avoid what they’re feeling and not feel guilty about it.

They might do this unconsciously or consciously. It doesn’t mean that they are just obsessed with one thing.

• They might go out constantly and develop bad habits;
• They might work overtime all the time;

With a few words, they become super obsessed with one thing so they can escape their feelings.

11. They feel rejected and hurt

Fearful avoidant expects a lot from you to go and fight for them to bring them back.

Even though they are the ones that initiated the breakup, they wait for you to do most of the work.

It’s their divergent attachment styles that keep them from going back and forth and expecting.

As the dumpee, you might beg and plead with your ex in the beginning. 

Hence, at this time a fearful-avoidant doesn’t care to talk back or come back to you.

Then when you reach the point when you start to heal after four or more weeks, the avoidant feels the urge to contact you.

If you don’t do it until the end of No Contact then they will feel rejected.

This is how a fearful-avoidant feels.

They need someone that will boost their ego and confidence.

Hence, when this happens, they will immediately pull away because they are afraid of feeling more.

When you don’t contact them, they feel powerless, small, and rejected.

This is the time when they will lose hope and will pull away even more.

Is being a fearful-avoidant dumper toxic?

To some extent, yes. Yes, a fearful-avoidant can be toxic even after the breakup.

Their mixed-up feelings and thoughts are reflected on you too.

When they dump you that doesn’t mean that they don’t love you anymore.

This is where the confusion starts.

The reason that they dump you is that they can’t adjust to the idea and feeling of being intimate and loved.

It’s a loop of mixed emotions that keeps you on and off relationship with them.

One minute they are good on their own but later on they realize that they still want you.

Again if you get close, the same cycle is going to be repeated.

They crave and avoid at the same time.

Unless they aren’t willing to reflect just a little bit and change, this loop of confusion will always exist.

Do fearful-avoidant regret breaking up?

At some point, after the breakup, yes, to some extent, fearful avoidant regrets about breaking up.

They do regret their decision when they realize that you are gone forever.

When they break up with you, they have this idea that you are going to always stay there for them.

A fearful-avoidant always thinks that you will understand them as they take time to be alone.

On the contrary, they don’t give a reason why they are initiating the breakup.

~Some might admit that they have made the mistake but don’t feel ready to come back yet.

Whether someone with a fearful-avoidant attachment style comes back or not depends on them.

What impacts their decision is how they choose to manage the avoidant and anxious attachment.

If they are more anxious and don’t choose to avoid their feelings, they will start to reflect.

Otherwise, they will stay in their own bubble and go back and forth.

Why do fearful avoidants want to stay friends with an ex?

Someone who has a fearful-avoidant attachment style wants to be friends because this is how they feel safe.

They just need a backup plan when something doesn’t work out and they know they want you.

They are aware of their mistakes and why they act like this and want to ease the guilt.

This means that they are not ready to lose you completely.

It means that they are just dealing a lot with their two attachment styles right now.

Their thoughts and feelings are complex too. It is quite important to understand them too and what they are going through.

Yet, while doing it you can set your boundaries too and ask yourself if mending the relationship is what you both want.

You have the right to choose whether you want to sacrifice and be constantly hurt. 

Because you might agree to be friends and they will still act hot and cold.

Until your ex doesn’t reflect and take an action, you will be stuck in an unpleasant and unwanted situation.

Depending on their attachment style, an ex will want to stay friends for different reasons.

Read more about why your ex wants to stay friends with you:

💭12 reasons why your ex wants to be friends!

The bottom line: Defining a fearful avoidant dumper

A fearful-avoidant dumper will have a lot of questions and will detach themself right after the breakup.

This is one of the coping mechanisms that they use to deal with the heartbreak initiated by them.

It’s not that easy even for them to go back and forth and not be able to create a stable relationship.

It’s also hard for them to suppress their feelings and go back to their bubble.

I know that’s hard to understand their post-breakup psychology, but try to focus more on you.

When you are healed and both of you are willing to help one another then you can go back.

Otherwise, if it’s only you hoping to mend the relationship then that won’t work.

Sincerely,

Callisto Adams