Males and females go through the same stages of grief but they may experience it differently and not in the same order.
Nothing can define or measure the intensity of the dumper and the dumpee’s feelings.
It all depends on the reason you broke up and how they perceive the breakup.
Depending on their attachment style they will go through these stages differently.
For a few days, they will feel like they are free, and then they will struggle with their inner thoughts differently.
The avoidant, will send their thoughts to the back of their mind and suppress their feelings.
Whereas, the anxious one will be free for a few days and even weeks but will try to be in contact with you.
It’s not easy to decode their behavior and spot changes but here are 8 stages of a dumper’s regret:
1. They feel like they made the best decision ever
They feel free and are more likely to enjoy their time.
It feels like life has begun for them and they’re stoned from their decision.
The dumper might feel like they are reborn. For them, this journey means finding themselves once again.
At some point, they want to detach themselves from everything that reminds them about the past.
Either they were in a toxic relationship with you or just started to lose interest.
Whatever the reason, the first stage of dumpers remorse includes happiness and freedom.
This might sound and seem weird but it’s pretty normal. They are just ready to flip the new page.
2. They become detached from you and reality
Your ex continues their journey on their own but now they try to ignore everything from the past.
They ignore you, the places you used to go together- everything that reminds them of you.
They push the memory to the back of their head.
Sometimes they will do it on purpose and other times they will do it when something trigger’s their memory.
The second stage of dumper’s remorse is filled with flashbacks and them trying to keep in motion.
In this stage, the dumper is feeling relieved but they start to experience some subtle disturbance.
3. They feel lost and confused
In the third stage, they start to get mixed feelings and feel a bit numb.
Yes, they still are happy with their decision but are stuck in limbo.
A dumper experiences this usually after a month. A month without contact can help them reflect on the relationship to some scale.
Not only, the dumpee but also the dumper experiences confusion.
The dumper is trying to navigate through their new route and trying to connect it with their decisions.
A mature dumper will reflect properly on their feelings and on their decisions too.
They won’t try to take you back or breadcrumb you so they can find the answer.
So, they won’t use their ego as a navigator to find the answer for their future.
4. He tries to not think about you
After the feelings of happiness and confusion are mixed, the dumper tries to not think about it much.
They will try to engage themselves in different activities because everything reminds them of you.
When the dumpee tries not to think about their ex, in the beginning, the dumper does it later.
Now, the dumper starts to feel anxious to some extent because they start to miss you.
It doesn’t mean that they want to be back or reconcile.
This means that their real feelings are coming to the surface and they start to lose their control a bit.
5. They will start comparing you with themselves or their new partner
One of the things that a dumper does in the fifth stage is start to compare, a lot.
They compare you with them, how they are better than you or how their new partner is better than you.
In fact, this is just a mind game. The dumper is using this strategy because they’re not getting what they want in their new relationship.
Now, their ego and pride or even other elements won’t let them be straightforward with you.
What they do is go to the places that you used to go together and they even try to turn their new partner into you.
🔴This situation is very confusing and time-consuming. To get a better idea of it and know what to do, you should get the extra help of a relationship coach.
6. Nostalgia starts to hit your ex
A dumper realizes that they have made a mistake when they start to feel nostalgic.
This is the time that ‘What if” starts to take place.
They reflect on some elements of the relationship and start to think would it be different if they were with you right now.
This is not the moment that they are anxious and want you to ease it.
Now, they have already started to miss you and start to value you differently.
They start to focus more on the positive sides of your relationship than on the negative sides.
When a dumper ended the relationship because of toxicity or wasn’t working then they will get a new perspective.
In this case, they might get nostalgic for a few seconds or minutes but they won’t try to get back to you.
7. They will regret their decisions
Female and male dumper’s timelines will not be very different from one another.
They both regret almost at the same stages but what differs is the way that they accept and show it.
A dumper will regret their decision when they realize that you’re doing fine on their own.
This is one of the main reasons that make the dumper regret breaking up with you.
If they broke up with you and wasn’t your fault then they will realize that they are better with you.
An ex will know your value only when they know that they can’t have you anymore.
Because most exes think that they have the upper hand since they initiated the breakup.
Actually, a dumpee suffers a lot right after the breakup but then they will have the upper hand.
8. They hope for reconciliation
The final stage includes their hope for reconciliation but slowly embracing the truth.
It’s that transition period between realizing their mistakes and missing you, to want you back.
This time, their feelings are stronger and they are pondering their decision.
They will look for chances to reconnect with you.
Now, the dumper will do anything and remember that they will contact you but that won’t be linear.
They will give you a lot of mixed signals because one day they will be cold and another day hot.
It all depends on how they’re feeling at the moment and how good are they at communicating their feelings/needs.
- They will text or call you;
- They will try to meet you randomly;
- They will start to hang out more or reconnect with their mutual friends;
You will notice some great changes in their behavior.
Just to be clear that these changes and their behavior don’t always define their aim.
How long does the dumpers remorse take?
For a dumper, it takes more than a few weeks/months/ a year to regret their decision.
As stated earlier the timeline for the dumper is different for everyone. Everyone experiences the breakup in different forms and deals with it differently.
Someone might regret it immediately whereas someone might regret it later.
It all depends on why they ended up the relationship and how long did they think before making this decision.
A study shows that people feel differently while making the decision and after making it.
They have different points of view while making the decision and after experiencing the aftermath.
1. If the relationship was toxic then the dumpee doesn’t make an instant decision.
They will think a lot before deciding and will try to change things and help the dumpee change.
Yet, if they do not contribute then the dumper will make their decision based on all events.
In this case, the dumper will not regret their decision even after a week or a year.
Instead of doing it, they will be focused on healing themselves.
2. If the dumper made this decision based on the heat of the moment they will regret it right after.
This depends also on their ego and pride, and how they can deal with accepting their feelings and expressing them.
Sometimes, some breakups will not be bad and they can be momentary.
In this case, the dumper regrets their decision mostly after a week or a month.
Being distant will let them value you more and experience your absence.
3. If you broke up on good terms then the dumper will regret their decision when they can’t adjust to your absence.
If your ex has already started to heal and recognized your positive impact on them, they will regret it.
That depends on how long it takes them to heal and get on the right track.
What makes a dumper change their mind?
A dumper will change their mind when loneliness, anxiety, missing the good times, or guilt hits them.
In a few words, they aren’t fulfilled and happy in the state where they’re in.
This is the time when they miss bits of the past that used to complete them.
Dumper’s remorse isn’t a typical emotion, unlike anger or sadness.
That’s why it takes an emotion or feeling to trigger the dumper.
~In reality, what makes a dumper change their mind is seeing you move on.
Knowing that they can’t have you after they started to value you, hurts them.
This makes them regret their decision because they start to value you differently.
Especially, if you have started dating someone else and your relationship is healthier.
The dumpee will notice how you’re treated, the way that they didn’t.
~The dumper feels less valued and wants your attention again.
They might feel low and their self-confidence is slowly being crushed that’s why they regret it.
They just want to feel loved again and important.
~They can’t adjust to your absence. They start to reflect differently once you’re not part of their life.
They would have thought that their life would be easier and better without you but it’s the contrary.
That’s the reason that they change their mind and start to value your relationship more.
Does the dumper think about the dumpee?
Yes, the dumper thinks about the dumpee.
Even if the relationship didn’t work out or they lost interest, they will think about the dumpee at some point.
The dumper will start to miss you when you give them some space and time.
If you are all clingy and always begging them to come back, you won’t let them reflect.
I know that is very difficult to stay calm and not search for an answer or explain yourself.
It’s very normal to try and fix yourself right there, hence you know deep down that’s not impossible.
The moment that you embrace the breakup and you start working on yourself, you will reflect differently.
When you aren’t always on their side and you continue with your life, they will miss you.
Keep in mind that an ex will miss you when they encounter a place that you used to go to or meet someone like you.
Yet, the intensity of this feeling will fade with time if the relationship didn’t work and there is no future.
Final words: Dumpers remorse psychology
The dumper doesn’t always regret their decision and decides to get back together with you.
The moment that they are apart from you they feel like this is their moment.
This is the time that they might have been waiting for a while or decided at the last moment.
It takes just one drop of water to dim the light of the relationship if you don’t feed it.
So, being apart for some time doesn’t mean that your relationship is permanently over.
If you were good to your ex and they change so they can impact you the same then they will regret their decision.
During this time, it is better if you work on yourself too and you will either attract your ex or set them free.