What you feel after the breakup is such a mystery. On the other hand, trying to decode your ex’s behavior is even harder.
Dumping someone can be hard and even experiencing being dumped is even harder.
The dumper and the dumpee are aware of the damage that the breakup causes.
Hence, the difference is the way they choose to deal with it.
The dumper has already detached and the dumpee is just trying to adjust to the breakup.
A dumper might break up for different reasons. Usually, it is unhappiness that follows the relationship or not feeling compatible.
The timeline and the stages of the breakup are experienced differently from them.
Even if you are the dumper or the dumpee, both of you go through the stages of grief differently.
Here are 13 crucial facts behind dumper and dumpee psychology:
1. Dumpee grieves first and the dumper does it later on
What makes the dumper and the dumpee different fundamentally is dealing with the breakup differently.
That’s quite obvious because one initiates it to free themselves and the other has to deal with rejection/denial.
They both grieve but the dumper starts to grieve immediately.
A dumper is left heartbroken because they are rejected and unwanted at that moment.
This is why they are more emotionally attached to the whole situation.
Based on science, when someone feels rejected, they will feel a mix of emotions.
They will feel angry, sad, not good enough, and even feel guilty.
On the other hand, the dumper doesn’t grieve in the beginning because they feel powerful.
In the end, this is what they wanted for some time; they wanted to be free from this relationship.
2. The dumpee reflects immediately after the breakup
You might ask yourself, who would improve more after the breakup?
Well, the answer to this question is The Dumpee.
In this case, the dumpee has the time to reflect on the relationship, the dumper’s decisions, and themselves.
What helps them do this is the heartbreak and the rejection. While grieving and sorting out their feelings, a dumper reflects.
Even if they had closure, they will still stop and think about where that went wrong.
It’s that feeling of “not being good enough” to stay in this relationship or make the relationship work.
The dumper reflects later on when the loneliness and anxiety of the breakup hit them.
If their feelings were genuine but your love was one-sided then the dumpee will grieve in the beginning.
To understand better your feelings and reflect on your relationship, an expert’s opinion would be valuable.
To achieve good results, the relationship coaches will draft an individual plan for you.
3. The dumper tries to escape the pain
It doesn’t always mean that the breakup isn’t tough for the dumper too.
Hence, it’s known that when they feel lonely and anxious, they will try to numb their feelings.
On the other hand, the dumpee seems to be more open, even though some of them might not be.
It all depends on their attachment style and how they can express themselves.
The dumper refuses to let the pain get to them because they decided to distance themselves.
In this case, they either build those walls from not being appreciated enough or just wanting something better.
To get over this, they numb their feelings.
A dumper will either develop bad habits or isolate themselves to not let themselves feel anything.
4. The dumpee tends to cling more to the past
The dumper is distant in the beginning and wants to enjoy time on their own.
Whereas the dumpee spends more time ruminating and wondering what if.
If the relationship was toxic even the dumper will spend some time wondering if things would be different.
~The dumpee feels like they deserve an answer and only being stuck on the past makes them feel better.
~They tend to blame themselves for the breakup and how they couldn’t do any better.
On the other hand, the dumper moves on so fast because they were waiting for this change in their life.
They just want to enjoy their time alone and do things that maybe couldn’t do while in the relationship.
- The feeling of guilt, shame, and uncertainty keep the dumper on the past;
- The feeling of wanting something better stimulates the dumper to look forward;
5. The dumper isolates sooner or later
A dumper can go through the phase of isolation too.
It might happen at the beginning or sometime later. It all depends on the reason that your relationship ended.
They might have a hard time and might be questioning their decisions.
Especially when their feelings were true but the relationship was one-sided, dealing with regret is harder.
When they have still feelings for the dumpee but had to initiate the breakup, they get stuck.
There is a fine line that separates the past from the future. They want to move on but still the past holds them.
Being unable to rekindle the relationship, the dumper suppresses their feelings.
This is the defense mechanism that they are using to cope with their feelings.
- They might not talk to friends or family.
- They might spend a lot of time working.
- They might spend a lot of time doing any activity constantly.
6. The dumpee tries to improve themselves more
It doesn’t mean that after the breakup only the dumpee works on themselves.
Yet, if you wonder which one tries to nourish and improve, that is the dumpee.
Since they are the ones who reflect immediately on their flaws and mistakes, they do it first.
They want to create the best versions of themselves so they cannot be heartbroken.
Only by doing it, they can achieve what they want and need and boost their self-confidence.
A dumpee might start to improve themselves only if they were part of a toxic relationship.
They start to improve themselves so they can detach from the past.
Only, like this, they want to wash the mistakes and the troubled past.
Dumper starts to improve themselves when they feel guilty and realize their mistakes.
7. Each of them reaches out to one another for different reasons
A dumper and a dumpee might reach out to one another for different reasons.
The reasons might not always be genuine. Especially, dumpers will breadcrumb you a lot for their own good.
- A dumper contacts a dumpee because they feel lonely and want someone to pass time.
- A dumper might contact a dumpee because they feel guilty and want to start over.
Yet, if they really want to reconcile then they will start slowly to approach you.
In this case, the dumper won’t ask you for anything in return. Their only aim will be to slowly show you why they want to come back.
- A dumpee reaches out to the dumper in the beginning because they want answers. Especially, if the dumper didn’t offer closure.
- Also, a dumpee might contact the dumper just because they feel anxious and lonely.
They are just processing the breakup and they are adjusting to the change.
8. Dumpee thinks that they can change the dumper’s mind
After the breakup the dumpee is crushed, no matter if they did or didn’t make the relationship work.
Those who have an anxious attachment type or are narcissists, tend to think more about changing their ex’s mind.
They think that mind games or just focusing on the dumper’s life will make them come back.
There is nothing wrong with thinking about it.
Hence, instead of focusing only on the dumper and what they do, the dumpee can focus on themselves.
Only by using the No Contact Rule and healing, they can improve themselves and attract the dumper.
Just by distancing themselves, they can give time and space to the dumper to reflect and miss them.
9. The dumper always feels like they won the breakup
This is one of the basic facts of the dumper vs dumpee psychology.
A breakup is never a competition but the dumper feels like they have fulfilled their wish.
Sometimes the breakup might be something that even the dumper didn’t want to.
Hence, since they feel free and more like their authentic selves then they will say that they won.
Also, even if the dumper is regretful, they will still claim that they won just because of their ego/pride.
Specifically when the dumper is stubborn then they might regret their decision but never contact you.
Even if they don’t feel happy on their own, they might camouflage it just to not seem miserable.
10. At some point, the dumper will be regretful
As mentioned before, yes even the dumpers regret their decisions.
If they broke up for an inaccurate reason then they might reflect later differently and change their opinion.
Being regretful doesn’t always mean that the dumper wants the dumpee back.
They might regret it but might not feel ready to start fresh with the dumpee.
Sometimes, they tend to “regret” their decisions just because they are dependent on you.
In this situation, the dumpers will say that they regret the breakup but don’t do anything to convince the dumpee.
It’s just their feelings, conceptions, and ideas about love and breakup fighting with one another.
11. The dumper/dumpee might enter immediately a new relationship
Both of them might enter a new relationship.
They might do it for different reasons but the main reason is to feel fulfilled and numb their feelings.
A dumper or a dumpee might enter a new relationship if they don’t feel anything about one another.
Hence, if one of them is hurt and was part of a toxic relationship then they’re doing it to escape their feelings.
Since being part of a toxic relationship, one needs some time to reflect and heal.
If they enter a new relationship immediately then that’s a rebound relationship.
Without working on themselves and grieving, they enter the relationship just for two reasons.
- To make themselves feel better;
- To make the dumpee/dumper jealous;
12. They both have mixed feelings
Just like the relationship, also the breakup has its ups and downs.
Healing and change after the breakup aren’t linear.
There are moments that the dumpee feels lonely and there is a moment when they feel in their best shape.
Whereas, the dumper feels good and happy in the beginning.
Just when the dumpee starts to heal, the dumper starts to question their decisions.
One day they are happy and think that they made the best decisions.
There are days later on that they are curious about the dumpee and feel lonely.
It’s just like a roller coaster and there are hot and cold waves that hit both of them.
Just the timeline and intensity are different because feelings are the same.
13. The dumpees ask mostly to stay friends immediately
The dumpees ask most frequently to stay friends just so they can have access to the dumper.
They do this out of fear and anxiety.
They hope that one day this friendship will turn again into a romantic relationship.
Mostly, those exes that have an anxious attachment style, can’t detach themselves easily.
They are codependent on their dumper and need their presence to feel safe and happy.
Dumper wants to stay friends because they want to use the benefits of a relationship without being committed.
Does the dumper really want the dumpee to forget them completely?
The dumper wants the dumpee to forget them completely if the relationship was toxic and they’re hurt.
Otherwise, no other ex would want a dumpee to forget them completely and vanish their memories.
At some point, if the dumper wants the dumpee to completely forget them, they are seeking some kind of revenge.
They want somehow to punish the dumpee and make them carry the humiliation forever.
So, they want to either get rid of the dumpee for the rest of their lives or leave a scar on their life.
In their opinion seems like they either need to look forward or get the dumpee stuck in the past.
Does dumping someone hurt?
Yes, dumping someone can hurt the same as being dumped.
It is the dynamic of control and rejection.
The dumper in the beginning feels that they are in control whereas the dumpee deals with rejection.
If the dumper still has feelings for the dumpee but the relationship isn’t working, yes it will hurt.
They are letting go of someone and something that they don’t want to.
In short, they are giving up on something that they really wanted to work out.
This decision isn’t something that can be made in an instant. It’s something that the dumper has really thought about all along.
If the dumper doesn’t have feelings anymore for the dumpee then that doesn’t hurt that much.
They will be choosing freedom, the future, and their happiness over everything.
Dumper vs Dumpee Psychology in a nutshell!
Not one relationship or breakup is the same.
That’s why a dumpee and the dumper experience is not the same for everyone.
Some end the relationship because the other partner didn’t try to cooperate.
Whereas others might end it because they weren’t content and felt stuck.
No matter the reason, both the dumpee and the dumper end up being hurt and confused.
Even when the breakup is mutual, there are ups and downs for the dumper and the dumpee.
The life pattern is disrupted for each of them and they need to adjust to the new reality.
Both of them will feel angry, sad, and content with their new life, or they will feel like they’re stuck.
No matter what, try to focus on yourself and heal first. Other things come along!