Underneath the Surface: He’s been unconsciously telling you[he loves you] all this time
Does he love me? He probably does, he probably doesn’t. I know you’ve been overthinking about it and perhaps came to that same sentence as a conclusion: He probably does, he probably doesn’t. I’ve been there and it is exhausting, I know.
Whether he told you he loves you and you’re doubting it, or he didn’t tell you but you’re dying to know, or whatever reason that made you google the question – you might have no idea how much this question is asked to google by all of us for our own little reasons, whichever the case, welcome!
It’s been shown to us for ages that men are capable of a lot of things, some of them being hiding things, making things look different than what they actually are, right? In this case, it could be that they’re secretly loving you. Yes, yes, they’ve been doing it good… But at the end of the day, they couldn’t hide the biological, physiological hints they keep giving.
You can tell he loves you by ‘reading’ his body language, by paying attention to small things he does involuntarily, I’ll explain everything in this article.
Love is truly one of the most beautiful things, there’s no need to hide it, however we do it [hide] anyway because of past wounds, social beliefs, social constructs behind the idea of relationships, and so on…
In this very article you will find all about the signs that a man gives when he’s in love, some of which done unconsciously, and some consciously.
Table of Content
Some important things to consider, before you conclude anything
A man in love: Physiologically explained
A list of things separated into 4 major signs
Why is he not telling you – The reason you’re asking google if someone loves you or not
Find signs that will help you decide if he loves you
Things to Consider Before Jumping to Conclusions
– What stage of life is he in?
As in, does he have a job, is he in college, in other words, how many responsibilities does he have? This is related to the time you spend together, and if that time you do spend is reasonable.
– How long have you been seeing each other?
If it is too early in a relationship, understand that to love someone is part of understanding and accepting the person, and these take time. If it’s been a long time since you’ve been dating, note the communication between you two, it also depends on how open you are to one another.
– How mature do you consider him to be?
It has a lot to do with how he perceives love, and how he sees things in general. You can even ask him about opinions on relationships and love.
– How does he treat himself?
If he’s not being ‘nice’, or ‘good’ to himself, the chances for him to be ‘nice’, or ‘good’ to others are minimal. I’m not saying he has to be constantly being nice and good all the time, that would be unrealistic, but look for signs of self-respect and self-love.
– Each person is different
These signs apply to men, but know that there can be exceptions since not everyone expresses or manifests love exactly the same. We are humans, we do and say things that sometimes we mean, and maybe sometimes we don’t.
– Know what to expect from him.
I read somewhere something like ‘if he prefers watching a football game rather than spending time with you, he’s not the man you want in your life’, I find it absurd, to be frankly honest. I’ll tell you why…
A relationship is not meant to be two people ‘chained’ together, [people in a relationship] they’re meant to have a connection, a bond, and freedom with one another. You both are two individuals, before you become ‘one’. You have separate lives, you are two different people. You like different things, you do different things, and that is okay.
So, take this from me: If he prefers to watch a football game rather than spend time with you, it’s okay, and don’t you dare put your entire relationship within those ‘watched football rather than spent time with me’ frames, ever.
A Man in Love: Physiologically Explained – Things He Does Involuntary When He Loves You
Psychologically explained, once we fall in love we start lacking judgement towards the person we fell for.
His Pupils Dilate When He Looks at You
Pupil dilation is a natural reaction of the eyes depending on how much light the eyes are exposed to. However, pupil dilation also occurs when strong emotions are on the play. Like seeing something exciting, or something ‘threatening’, they dilate in order for the eye to get more light in and ‘have a better look’ of the exciting/threatening object.
In this case, they’re seeing someone who brings them excitement, hence their pupils dilate when they see you (if you bring excitement to them, and if they are attracted to you).
He Mirrors You
He does it subconsciously – things like yawning, ‘copying’ your movements (e.g touching your hair), taking a similar posture as you, and so on. It shows he really is engaged, he has an attraction/feelings for you, even though he does it subconsciously.
Test him: Look at your posture and see if he has the same as you. Or touch your hair, or lean in and see if he mirrors any of your movements.
He’s All Touchy
Touching is part of body language. I’m not talking just about the sexual touch, I’m talking about the small touch of the hand, the cheek – He finds ways to touch you when you’re doing the most random things (e.g play with your hair when you’re on the phone, or holding your hand when you’re laying down together, etc).
Touching releases Oxytocin (also known as the love hormone) which associates with bonding, attraction, and love. Has to do a lot with bonding.
He Stands Straight
It is part of their biology to show themselves off, get attention, show that they’re fertile, through taking a more ‘dominant’ posture, like standing straight, with squared off shoulders and so on.
He doesn’t do this willingly, so you mustn’t take this as a show off movement, take this as a positive sign instead. It is one of the odd signs for sure, but once it connects with the others you can take this one very positively. If not love you, the least this sign shows is attraction, meaning he’s on the good way.
Lack of Judgement
A I mentioned above, we tend to put the judging filter down when we love someone. So, a man will look at you and not see you as perfect, instead, he will see everything you are and not be judgemental about it.
He will see the ‘weird’ side, the ‘imperfections’ everything really, and totally love them.
I’ve been insecure and aware of some things about me; One of the things I was quite aware of was my over-excitement about things; Like seeing a horse and becoming like a child that never saw a horse before.
For some of my friends and family, this part of me is exhausting.
However, my boyfriend loves this about me, so much that he helped me accept it as part of who I am and somehow made me start seeing what he’s seeing. We’ll talk about that in some other article.
In a few words, when a man loves you he’ll see and love the ‘imperfections’, not be blind to them (as most misunderstand it).
Is He Caring? Does He Put Effort?
He shares/spends time with you
Aha! Time is undoubtedly precious for each of us, hence we choose to spend it doing things we love (them being hobbies, certain activities, and so on). Even if he has a tight schedule, he will make time for you.
He will do anything to see/talk with you
A man in love will do anything, and when I say anything, I mean anything, to spend time with you; even if it is just for a few moments. At the beginning of the relationship they’re very curious, they want to know more, hence they plan more dates ahead.
However, at times this ‘phase’ doesn’t last long. But when it does, we know what it indicates, ladies, don’t we?
When he’s eager to see you, even after a lot of his curiosity has been fed, it is one of the strong signs of love.
When a man wants to see you, he will see you. He’ll want to see you, he’ll want to hear you talk, listen to you; Trust me, he will find no excuses.
He wants to know/see deeper than just the superficial
When you’re talking, he listens, he’s engaged, and he asks questions. He wants to know what’s beneath the surface.
Usually at the very beginning of a relationship, or just two people knowing one another, the people involved get their signals by one another’s appearance (how they look, how they talk, the sound of their voice, etc), it’s one of the first things that catches their attention. The beginning is about exploring, and awing at one another’s appearance and mostly superficial things (hobbies, likes, dislikes).
They are in love once they’re past that phase; Once they want to know more than your likes and your dislikes. They want to know about everything that shaped you as a person. They love you sisters!
He pays attention to details – He remembers the little things
He will notice even the slightest changes on your appearance, on your mood based on your facial expressions, because he pays attention to details. It is a sign that he cares, he remembers, and he’s engaged.
He will notice when you’re not very joyful, when you’re upset by something, when you slightly cut your hair, when you put a new shade of foundation on, or even perfume.
It is crazy how much they notice; There was this one time, I changed my laundry detergent, and we (me and my boyfriend) hadn’t met for a week or so, and we finally decide to go out again, while I had completely forgotten what I did, he tells me: “You smell different today, did you put a new fragrance on?”. It would’ve been one of those cheesy fabric softener commercials, I know, but that’s not the point.
The point is he noticed the smell because he pays attention to even the smallest things (how I smell, how I did my hair, how my heart is beating slightly faster, and so on).
He asks for your opinion (because he values it)
It could be a certain topic, or it could be something that he’s about to do and asks what you think of it so he can take your opinion into consideration and consider doing or not doing that certain thing.
This shows that he values your thoughts, your intellect, your opinions on things. You take people’s opinions into consideration when you trust them, when you value them. Trusting and valuing are the important parts that complete the mosaic of the definition of love.
Trusting and valuing are also an indicator of respect, which is one of the biggest signs of love too.
As I mentioned above, respect is one of the biggest signs of love. You can tell he’s respectful if he doesn’t try to impose your choices, decisions, or even preferences. Instead, he respects them, he also respects your boundaries, and what you present as a personality.
A respectful man, is a man you want to have around, and want to respect back. They take the time to see, hear, value, and lastly (not least, not at all) respect your choices, decisions, preferences, and your entire being in fact.
He wants to make a good impression
It could be on his posture, his behavior, his looks… You will notice him making new positive changes in the mentioned. He will feel the need to impress you because he’s in love, he’s impressed by you, and he wants to earn that too.
You will notice him putting effort into his appearance, perhaps things he says, or even does when he’s around you. You know a man trying to impress when you see one. Pay attention to the small things he does and you will notice for sure.
He gives you unique gifts
A well thought gift is a huge indicator that he deeply cares about you. A well thought gift takes time and effort to come up with. I’m not even starting on the handmade gifts!
And he doesn’t just give you gifts for special occasions only, he gives you gifts just because, or he saw something and it reminded him of you.
I feel like I’m bragging about my boyfriend now, but here’s another story:
He got me a flower (which I have to this day) just because. It is a well thought out gift, since I have to take care of it, is she getting enough sun, enough water and such things. It reminds me of him every time I see it, and it’s a beautiful feeling indeed.
If He Opens Up – Shows You He’s Vulnerable
Men in most cultures are taught to be ‘tough’ and not be vulnerable, as vulnerability is seen as a sign of weakness; Which is a wrong perception of the whole thing, and the source to most of our social problems we’re dealing with, but that’s not the point.
The point is, men are not taught to (and don’t) show their vulnerable side.
… unless they’re in love with you, or you’re someone very close to their heart.
Here are signs that tell when he’s vulnerable with you:
His boundaries and guards start falling down – He opens up
He talks about topics that he’s sensitive about. Whether something he’s very emotional with, like a loss in his life, or insecurities, or anything that doesn’t give him pleasant feelings.
It could be family, could be emotions he’s been having lately. Men usually have a hard time opening up about such things.
If he feels that you lack judgement towards him, then most probably he lacks judgement towards you, and that’s a sign of a brain in love.
He’s comfortable around you
He’s himself, he’s comfortable to say things he wants to say, to do things he wants to do. He feels free around you. It is a very positive sign, because you’re making him feel like he doesn’t have to fake anything. He feels valued for whatever he is, and will not question that around you.
When He’s Selfless and Protective
A lot of people ask things like “does he love me, or is he using me?”. Let’s tackle a few things before we get into the signs that answer this and other questions wandering your mind.
It’s part of a man’s instincts to be helpful, providers, protective. Though our technology, mindset, and ways of doing things in general have developed and evolved through years, ‘tools’ through which almost every adult can provide, protect, themselves, this instinct in men is very present in contemporary times. It’s even stronger once they fall in love.
They want to provide, give, help and protect their loved one, and at the end get the affirmations; It’s in their genes, what can we do?! Let’s waste no more time and see what are the signs he’s selfless and protective:
He solves things without you even asking him to do so – He wants to be your hero
He’s being handy, protective, and providing for you. It is one of the basic instincts for men when they’re around someone they love and care about.
He will hear you ‘complain’ about something that’s not going well, or a small problem going on at your place, he will put effort to fix it. He will be feeling the need to provide the solution.
You can notice this in almost everything. Let’s say, you’re not feeling well, he will care enough to bring you something helpful, or even send you to the doctor.
Here’s one from my personal experience: I had to move out a few years ago, and we were just a little bit beyond that beginning phase of the relationship. He offered me help to move my things. He lived more than 2 hours away from my place, and I was almost 2 hours away from the place I was moving into.
If he does such things, big or small, put a love song on because he’s either falling, or he’s deep in love with you!
He’s being selfless
He’s constantly sharing, giving, and caring. He’s doing whatever it takes to make you joyful, to see you smiling.
You can notice this selflessness in the small details. Like when you meet each other at his place, he opens the fridge and you see at least one bottle of your favorite juice. Or there are some of your favorite foods in his kitchen.
He could be doing even bigger things than this, but these too are really to be appreciated and valued. He fell for you, respect and appreciate it.
He’s committed to solve problems within the relationship
A man in love, instead of ignoring the problems he will try to solve them. He is committed to making things work because he just can’t afford to lose this beautiful being. He will do what it takes to make things work, or at least, he will try.
Note: He could be a person that is not comfortable dealing with things.
Or he could be afraid that discussing or trying to solve a problem will ruin everything, hence could be the reason he’s ignoring it.
You’re Slowly Being Integrated Into His Life – He is Sharing
Selflessness is part of love, and part of selflessness is sharing – We share when we love. In our case he loves you when he shares time, things he loves, people he loves with you.
He suggests meeting his friends/family
He wants to tell the world, he wants to tell everyone about the amazing, beautiful person in his life. It also means that he wants to share his people close to his heart with you too. He wants to show you who he loves, who he cares about.
In a few words, he wants to share one of the most important parts of his life (what built him as a person) with you.
He says things like we instead of I when planning things about the future
Yes, sometimes they do it unconsciously, sometimes they do it consciously. But if they’re in love, they will say it either way.
When he plans things about the future he will say we instead of I most of the tune, or when he’s talking to someone about his possessions he will most likely say ours rather than mine, and so on. I believe you get the point.
Does he say we instead of I very often? Ours, instead of mine?
He starts sharing interests with you – He invites you to participate in things he loves
He not only shares the people he loves, he will even share the activities he loves. One common thing that men in general love is watching ball games. If he invites you to such a game, well, you know the deal already.
It could be anything else, really. Could be walks, places to visit, his sweaters, food, or anything he enjoys doing by himself, and he invites you to one of the things he loves doing on his own, take it as more than a sign that he loves you.
He tries to share his time doing things you’re interested in – wants to learn things you like doing, e.g painting
We talked about him inviting you to things he loves. Now it’s time for things you love. He will be curious about your hobbies, about anything you like/enjoy doing really!
He’ll want to engage in things you love, want to learn how you do it, want to know what gives you joy.
He isn’t interested in other women
This one is a strong one. Once he loves you he’ll see you and only you. You will not compare to anyone, because you’ve got that spark and, well, everything, and he can finally see it. So he will not be looking for anything else in anyone else. He loves you.
He makes plans for the long term future
It could be directly and indirectly done. He could say something indirect that has to do with moving in together, or going for a vacation together. He can do these directly too. If so, he’s not planning anything into his future with you if he doesn’t love you. Or at least he wouldn’t do this with someone he doesn’t feel a strong connection to.
You Feel It: Even If He Loves You Secretly
It is about the feeling you get when you’re around him; appreciation, love, admiration.. If you don’t feel this way in his presence, then you might want to consider your way of seeing yourself, or if you feel like this is the effect he has on you perhaps discuss it, or move on to someone else.
You should feel worthy not just in his presence. Take it from me, you should know your worth no matter what.
Don’t you dare question your values before anyone else
You feel loved and appreciated around him
You feel appreciated, you feel worth it, and you feel if not loved, at least liked. You feel that he values you, and you have no doubts about it. You feel that he’s feeling lucky to be standing next to you, to be holding you. You know it, because his face and his body expressions are constantly telling you so.
The way he looks/stares at you
When he looks at you, you will feel that deep connection you have between you. He gives you that look like he’s not afraid that you’ll see everything he is, like he’s feeling secure, he’s feeling lucky. You’ll notice his face brightening up out of joy and admiration for seeing you. You’ll just know!
Teasing – A Sign of Intimacy
Teasing is one of our childish parts which we don’t show with just everyone. If he shows you that part it means he doesn’t feel judged, and feels comfortable with you to tease you lightly. Not the negative teasing. The sweet, cute teasing that makes things more fun, and sweeter.
He shows affection in public
If whenever you’re in public and he’s holding your hand, kissing, or hugging you, he’s proud to be by your side. He doesn’t care if some other person sees him and knows he’s not single, he feels like hugging you, he hugs you sister! He’s in love, or at least, AT LEAST, he’s falling hard.
Why He’s Not Telling You – The Reason You’re Asking Google If a Person Loves You
Despite what men are taught to do, and show to others, show that manly toughness that characterizes them, they’re in fact insecure too. They’re human beings at the end of the day, they have feelings just like women even though men don’t tend to show them[feelings and emotions] as much.
A few reasons he might not be telling you:
“What if he/she doesn’t feel the same way I do”
If you didn’t tell him you love him yet, I’m very sure that this is one of the thoughts that crosses your mind very often when you think about telling him. Well, that’s the case with men too.
He’s not sure if you feel the same way, and is afraid that the huge word will drive you away from him.
“Is this the right timing to tell him/her?”
He’s thinking of telling you right now, all of a sudden his heart will start beating faster, and a rap song comes on, he says to himself “F*ck it! I’ll do it some other time.”. The ‘some other time’ comes and he’s about to get ready to tell you, he starts sweating, and you start talking about a topic that’s difficult to get out of, he says to himself “Oh for f*ck’s sake! Perhaps it’s better if I do it another day.”.
And so it continues, until he finally tells you.
“He/She’s out of my league!”
He might be feeling intimidated by you, this interrelates somehow with the first reason: he’s afraid you don’t feel the same way as him.
He could be intimidated by the way you look, talk, or just behave in general. Just in case, I’d suggest you notice your behavior towards him so that you make sure you’re not making him feel less worthy than you are. Just in case.
If He Doesn’t Love You…
If he doesn’t love you, I’m sorry because it might take you some time to get over him. And I’m not sorry because there will be larger chances for you to meet someone who will cherish and admire you the way you deserve to be cherished and admired.
Now that that’s out of the way, I have a few things for you to consider:
- Respect the time you had together so you respect yourself and him.
- Just because he doesn’t love you, it doesn’t mean he won’t in the future. If he lacks respect, and positivity towards you, then take this as a sign to move on.
- Love every bit of yourself for both of you and move on. Love yourself the way you wish to be loved by him.
- Don’t let that define any of the opinions and thoughts you have about yourself.
Someone will see what he didn’t and will be able to love every single bit of what he sees in you. Trust me!