The moment you encounter the No Contact rule, you wonder should I do it for 30 days, 45, or more?
Every relationship, person, and breakup is different from one another. It depends on your situation.
All that I am saying is that you cannot set the time frame at the beginning of the breakup and say: “Yes, I am going free and get my ex back in 30 days.”
You need to look into more details before going No Contact for 30 days and before asking Does the 30 days of no contact work?
Check the level of interest that your ex had about you, how long you’ve been together, will you be able to nourish yourself for that long, which was the reason that you broke up, was the level of attraction low, or did you have a lack of communication?
This amount of time works if you have been in a relationship for a shorter time, both of you are reasonable even if you are in a relationship longer, thus the healing process is easier.
The psychology behind the 30 days rule (when it is suitable to use)
Being in No Contact for 30 days with your ex means that you do not call, text, interact in social media, don’t meet them all of sudden, stalk them, etc.
Zero interaction is needed!
You choose the 30 days rule to use depending on your situation but here are a few situations when this time frame is suitable to use:
1. When you have been in a relationship for some months up to one year;
2. When your ex has started to just lose attraction (you want to get your ex’s attention back) & you still have a chance to fix the lack of communication;
3. When your ex took you for granted but the break up was not that bad;
4. The breakup didn’t happen out of the blue and your ex didn’t hurt you beyond measure;
5. If you haven’t lived together;
6. If you aren’t married or have kids together;
7. If you are in a long-distance relationship;
8. If you don’t go to the same college or work at the same place;
9. The 30 days No contact Rule works also if you’re just dating or having a (platonic relationship or being FWB)
11. When your ex just needs some space to reflect on everything;
9 signs the 30 days No Contact is working:
1. You are not obsessed and begging your ex anymore
During this process, you notice that the growth doesn’t happen only through 30 days!
The 30 days of no contact is the start of personal growth. The start of reflecting on yourself and your ex. It is the beginning of
During these 30 days, more specifically after three weeks when you cry, beg, and feel weak, you start to gain confidence and focus on yourself and other things more than getting fixated on getting your ex back.
2. You are already making concrete changes in your life
Your point of view and mindset is shifted from getting your ex back to “I want to try new and exciting things”.
It is not an obsessive way or a forced way to get your mind from your breakup.
The moment that you know that the 30 days no-contact rule is working, that’s when on the 10th or 15th day approximately, you pick yourself up from the ground.
You decide to have a new hobby, meet some of your longtime friends, spend more time with your family or your dog, travel alone, see new places or even move to a new city/state.
3. Your ex gets grumpy for not having your attention anymore
Throughout the 30 days, your ex starts to wonder why you aren’t begging him or her anymore. You can know it by your ex’s attitude. Your ex starts to shower you either with compliments or negative
That is the moment that he or she thinks you’re going distant and there might be a chance that they can’t get you back anymore.
Someone needs more than 30 days to be aware that they might have lost you forever and decide whether to reconcile or give you more space to just move on.
4. If you are in a long-distance relationship then you notice that your ex sends a surprise care package
Being already in a long-distance relationship you are already being somehow “in distance” but not being distant with your partner.
Since texting and calling are your initial tools of communication, when you use no contact for 30 days then this person will react differently.
Now, your ex will send you a care package or find another form to reach you.
5. If you meet someone new, you start to show interest in them
You might say, yeah right. That’s how it works. One broke my feelings and I will jump immediately to another one after a month.
It depends. There is an exception in these cases:
~ The effect of 30 days of no contact will be apparent and you’ll show interest in someone else if you two were just dating and there were not a lot of feelings involved.
~ Your ex was not attracted to you before breaking up and now you reflect on your feelings. Might find that you lost attraction too but became aware of it during these days.
6. Seeks ways to apologize to you: Through your mutual friends or even over text
30 days are enough to make your ex reflect on his or her mistakes, if this person is reasonable, of course.
A month is enough to make your ex reflect on what he or she feels about you. Maybe it isn’t enough time to decide whether to go back with you or not but it is a perfect time to choose to fix things or make all this worse.
If your ex has reflected on his/her mistakes then if this person doesn’t apologize by himself (through a text or a call) then you will receive the apology through your friends.
7. Now your ex is transmitting new energy (almost the same as at the beginning of your relationship)
Well, now as the lovely Adele says: Tables have turned. After 30 days of no contact your ex’s energy changes.
Do 30 days work to shift my ex’s energy? Yeah, sure it does. It is the time that helps the ex get a glimpse of what your ex was doing wrong and triggers him or her to see you differently.
Now that your ex has had time to reflect on their behavior and outgrow their mistakes, the energy shifts from being all negative and wanting to stand alone to approaching you more.
8. Your ex waits for you to call them (due to a greater ego or is hesitant to initiate a text/call)
Ehem! We should look at it now from a different POV. All people aren’t the same.
Don’t panic if your ex doesn’t call, text, or reach you during or after 30 days of No Contact.
If your ex has some type of ego, which we all have, then during the 30 days he or she waits for you to call him/her. Even this is a sign that the 30 days of No Contact is working. You got his attention.
But, if you want to know whether you should move on or reconnect with your ex, just initiate a simple text and wait for their reply!
9. Your ex might start to see someone new
If your ex has started to see someone new after 30 days of No Contact then that is because your ex wants to make you jealous, tell that person is better than you, or just to show that your ex is winning this breakup.
But, remember no one can develop strong feelings for someone in 30 days. Unless your ex wasn’t interested in you or has lost total interest in you before the breakup.
What to do after 30 days of No Contact?
30 days of No Contact is a short period to just initiate the process of healing and reestablishing the relationship.
Here are 8 tips of what you should do after 30 days of being distant:
1. If you haven’t broken the No Contact rule yet and came to the conclusion that things change for you and you got signals from your ex that this person wants you again then it is up to you if you want to end the 30 days of no contact.
2. If you don’t feel all healed or ready to get back with your ex, extend the length of No Contact. Make it 45 days. Be cautious and notice if your opinion, feelings, or whether your ex will change during these plus two weeks.
If you feel that you need more time to keep your distance you can extend that to 60 or 90 days. Because some people need more time to heal and process their feelings.
3. If you feel like a brand new person and you notice that your ex has outgrown their mistakes, rebuild your connection by being friendly but still keeping your cool.
4. If you don’t feel the same anymore about your ex, be honest and straightforward with your ex. But, keep your cool and don’t be brutal.
5. Show your ex that now you’re emotionally stable and you see things from a different point of view.
6. Focus on what kind of personality your ex has. If your ex feels dominant then don’t text immediately after 30 days. You’ll give all the power to your ex by doing it. Wait a little bit longer (a few weeks more).
7. If you have decided to move on, don’t just jump immediately into another relationship since now you may feel nourished and with some type of energy to try the things you’ve learned with someone else.
8. If you feel nourished and happy on your own. Go and continue your life that way;
What to avoid doing before/during/after the 30 days No Contact Rule?
Here are a bunch of things to avoid while being in no contact for a month!
1. Don’t just sit and wait for your ex to call or text;
2. Don’t try to break the rule earlier since it may lead you and your ex to more confusion;
3. Don’t answer your ex’s phone calls or texts, just because you feel like that. Think things differently. If you are still confused about whether to reconnect with your ex, you should keep your distance;
4. If you haven’t already moved on, don’t date someone else just to get a text or a call from your ex. You’ll end up hurting yourself.
6. Don’t restrain yourself to be loyal to your ex if the breakup was bad and you came to the conclusion that your ex isn’t the one;
7. Breaking the No Contact before 30 days just because you feel alone and think that you are losing your ex forever;
8. Don’t overthink everything, from what will be after the No Contact, will you be able to get your ex back, or will you be able to find love again?
9. During these days, don’t post things that are related to your grief of breakup. That will make you look weak and will push your ex away;
Are 30 days of No Contact enough to get my ex back?
“i-ˈnəf, ē-, Essential Meaning of enough: equal to what is needed”. There is no exact time of No Contact that will make your ex come back.
One thing that you should know is that the 30 days of No Contact rule or longer one is not designed to just get your ex back. It is a healing process for the dumpee and a reflective process for the dumper.
That varies on the way you broke up and how you and your ex reacted to the No Contact Rule. Basically, it helps you both to reflect on your decision.
The 30 days of No Contact might work only in this case: If your breakup wasn’t that bad and your ex just needed some space to rethink, 30 days will be more than enough to process the feelings. After that, your ex will eventually get back.
But, if you had a terrible breakup or your ex lost interest and attraction towards you then it is impossible to just choose the 30th day, and voila your ex appears in front of you.
If you had a terrible breakup and there was tension and pre-distance before going No Contact, your ex might text you.
Your ex might contact you to check how you are doing, to know if there is a chance to reconnect with you, your ex might have missed you and feels lonely.
But, remember: 30 days won’t be enough to make your ex get back to you if your relationship had constant ups and downs and you barely spoke about your feelings!
When should you implement the 45+ days rule?
As mentioned before, the 30 days No Contact rule is just a pedestal for people who are not out of the bubble of a breakup yet. It is the starting point of the healing/reflecting process.
45+ No Contact Rule: If you are not certain yet whether your ex has changed. You’re confused why your ex wrote that type of text when he or she broke the no contact.
Or maybe that person hasn’t been contacted yet and you don’t want to contact your ex first.
45 days is like the middle of the way to come to that point when your ex or you will start to ponder.
60 days of no contact rule: If you want to make your ex really wonder and outgrow from their mistakes, 60 days is the perfect number.
That’s because during two months you will make him or her wonder where they went wrong, it must be them and not you. It will let your ex know that you’re really hurt.
90 days of no contact rule: Three months of the No Contact Rule are useful at the moment that before the breakup you had a terrible situation with your ex.
If your ex was always blaming you, acting cold, and acting all weird, the best you can do is give yourself 3 months to just not think, be near, or interact with that person.
But be careful, if your breakup wasn’t all bad do not extend too much the length of no contact if you want to reconcile with your ex. Since your ex might receive the message that you have already moved on.
If your breakup wasn’t out of the blue and bad and you’re all happy to be on your own then you can initiate just a simple text to check on your ex.
I know that most of you think that breaking the no contact after 30 days will make you look weak and give your ex some supremacy.
On contrary, this is a simple act to know what to do after these days. This is a chance to know whether your ex has changed or moved completely from you.
If you initiate a text doesn’t mean that you will tell your ex about the whole process and how you felt. A simple “Hi” or “How you’ve been” is enough to trigger your ex and wait
If you still have feelings for your ex but you are all nourished after 30 days then initiating a conversation will be a sign of whether you should extend the No Contact Rule or not.
Personal story: What have I been doing through the first month of No Contact?
Going myself through the 30 days of No Contact is different from just giving a piece of advice from afar.
Here is what I did during the 30 days of no contact:
The first 5 minutes after the breakup I felt like my world shattered. I cried, begged my ex to get back to me, immediately panicked, and felt weak in front of my ex’s eyes.
The rest of the day I felt all in pain and numb not knowing what happened to me.
During the night I cried my heart out and I felt worthless.
The following day I started to blame myself for everything that happened.
On the second day of break up, I made the decision to not contact my ex for a while since I’ve been informed of this method but to be honest, I didn’t have the belief and strength to try it.
The first day of No Contact: I was looking constantly at my phone waiting for any text or even call. Couldn’t eat or sleep very well even though I was trying to keep myself distracted.
The second day of NC: I had this urge to write back to my ex, not to beg but to just let them know what I am going through because of this breakup.
Still, I forced myself to eat something and just listen to some music.
The third, fourth, and fifth days were the same as the second. I was basically fighting myself to just change my mindset and release all the feelings that I had.
The first week came of not contacting my ex and I found myself being focused on my family, learning something new to eat, focusing on my job, discovering new songs and movies.
In the second week, I made a decision to try some new places that I haven’t been to. Didn’t want to just go to work and then home because that didn’t help my healing process.
In the third week, I felt that the level of grief and pain had started to vanish a little bit. I started to laugh at my friend’s or family’s jokes.
And in the fourth week, I was starting to feel like myself. I have forgotten to focus on myself before NC, trying to make things better for both of us.
And if you want to know, yes my ex contacted me on the fourth week saying how all that was wrong but didn’t apologize or imply that I was someone important or needed in their life.
During the 30 days, I have been processing feelings and thoughts and came to the conclusion that if this is what made me go through once was it worth it to go twice and relieve those feelings.
Note: In my case, NC of 30 days helped me see that I was better on my own. In your case, it might be different. But, the way you feel during these 30 days defines whether to fix things or not turn them back.
Getting to the chase: Am I going to use the 30 days No Contact rule?
Don’t force yourself to implement the No Contact Rule if you don’t feel like that.
But if you want to see changes in yourself and your ex after the breakup, 30 days is like a month of detox. Letting all your feelings and thoughts flee the bitter nest.
If you decide to go for it, use any piece of advice that adjusts your situation since every one of us is made different.
What I recommend is to return to your true self and do not hesitate to love again!