People on TikTok SWEAR by the 3-month dating rule: it’s supposedly a rule that makes finding and dating the right person effective.
The reason standing behind many people’s breakups is incompatibility, something most can’t assess right away.
This rule encourages people to wait 90 days (3 months) to get to know the person they’re into before taking things any further.
What the 3-month rule in dating is, its principles, and how it helps—today I’m going to tell you everything you need to know about this phenomenon!
Just what is this 3-month dating rule that’s taking the internet by storm?
The 3-month (or 90-day) rule in dating says that you need to give somebody a 90-day trial before taking the next step with them.
Think of it as signing up for a free trial, putting down your credit card information, but canceling your subscription as soon as you realize this is not something you want long-term.
Instead of rushing into a relationship, what people during this period do is get to know each other better:
- Values;
- Beliefs;
- Intentions;
- Interests;
- Goals, and so forth.
After a while, they confirm whether they’re right for each other or not—if they are, they’ll most likely become a couple.
The whole point being that this rule ensures two people don’t waste their time and hurt their feelings as a result of carelessness.
– Why 3 months exactly?
It is said that the 3-month mark is when people start revealing their true colors in a relationship (depending on how often two individuals see each other).
If, for instance, you want to start discerning a person’s favorable and not-so-favorable characteristics, it’ll take you up to 3 months to do so.
Not saying you’ll learn everything there is to learn about them, but you are bound to nitpick the dealbreakers.
After that, it’s up to you to decide if you want a relationship.
How does the 3-month dating rule help people?
When developing crushes, we mainly only look at the physical aspect, aka how attractive we deem a person to be.
But because we’re so infatuated with this person, we don’t wait long enough to get a better picture of their personality.
And since our crush isn’t going to show their flaws right off the bat, we end up falling for and wanting a relationship with a “version” of theirs.
- The 3-month dating rule brings into perspective just how complex humans are, and that what you see is definitely not what you get.
TikToker @joeykidney said it best in his video going over this rule: “It can save you a lifetime of falling in love with the wrong person.”
Employing this abstract rule in your dating life will help you weed out potential partners by compatibility.
Because you’re not picking a partner in a hasty fashion, you increase your chances of finding someone you click with in ways other than physical.
What this rule implies you need to do vs. avoid:
To make a long story short, you need to do whatever is within your power to learn more about your partner and avoid not doing so.
The plan is simple: during these 90 days, it is recommended you simply have fun and nothing more!
However, that doesn’t mean there’s no place for feelings. Just don’t forget that right now you’re on a mission for the greater good of your love life.
✅Do: Talk…a lot!
Text, call, or hang out together to talk about a multitude of topics, ranging from silly, fun topics to deep, emotional ones.
Remember, your goal is to learn more about this person, and that can only be achieved by talking about different things every day.
Speaking about every day, you also want to talk to them often because the less you talk, the harder it’ll be to execute the 3-month rule.
CAUTION: don’t make it seem as if you’re interviewing your partner. Make sure both of you are conversing and that your conversations flow naturally.
✅Do: Ask them about their interests, beliefs, opinions, etc.
You want to learn about every nook and cranny, so get ready to ask plenty of questions!
- Interests (e.g. music, shows, foods, hobbies);
- Beliefs (e.g. religion, science, politics);
- Opinions (e.g. technology, world issues, pets);
- Lifestyle (e.g. working out, profession, diet) and so on.
Imagine being a vegetarian dating not only a carnivore but also someone who couldn’t care less about animal rights…
Not judging, but some personalities simply don’t mix and you’re better off figuring out in the beginning.
❌Don’t: Ask them to be your boyfriend/girlfriend just yet.
You want to be more than friends, but less than lovers for this rule.
Wait for at least 90 days until you’re positively sure you want to commit to this person, and this person alone.
We have the essence of time: these 3 months are going to help you make a much more accurate decision than, say, a few weeks.
✅Do: Meet up IRL from time to time as well.
There’s only so much you can learn about a person through text, so make sure you have your first-ever offline date.
You need to get a feel of what being physically close to someone is like—do you feel comfortable?
Yeah, they may be a sweet talker, but is their physical behavior smooth as well?
For all we know, this person could have a habit of checking other people out disrespectfully…or chewing with their mouth open.
✅Do: Find ways to test them.
To know whether your values align, you can find subtle ways to test them.
For example, find out if you’re dating someone jealous by telling them you’re going out with a couple of friends.
If they ask you a million questions or even try to guilt-trip you into canceling your plans, you’re dealing with an over-the-top jealous person.
❌Don’t: Feel pressured to do something you don’t want to.
“Oh my God! What if I don’t make the first move and my crush starts dating someone else?”—then good riddance!
Forming romantic relationships is a delicate process that requires a lot of effort and patience, so hurrying it up will bring inadequate results.
You have all the time in the world to find someone you match with, so don’t let this person pressure you into becoming a couple.
Take it slow: prioritize understanding who this person truly is and if they have a problem with it, take it as a sign they’re not the one for you.
✅Do: Talk boundaries.
Having similar boundaries is essential in a relationship for two people to be on the same page regarding factors like loyalty.
Let’s say you’re a straight woman dating a straight man who has TONS of female friends with whom he hangs out often.
Does that make you uneasy?
This is why you two need to talk about boundaries so that you know if a (healthy) relationship is possible.
Or else you’re setting each other up for a long journey of arguing!
✅Do: Make a Pros & Cons list.
Turns out Ross was really onto something when he made that list about Rachel, no matter how much of a jerk he was made out to be.
On a related note, I recommend you define what you like and dislike about this person, and how those Pros & Cons may affect your relationship in the future.
- Lifestyle;
- Quirks;
- Schedule;
- Future goals, etc.
Say, if your person has an extremely busy schedule (we’re talking 12-hour shifts and up) while your love language is quality time, then put it in the Cons section.
Plus, remember you’re going to have to get used to it, so you should pump the breaks if you’re looking for someone who has time for you.
❌Don’t: Show them off just yet.
Avoid telling your family and friends you have found the person of your dreams or it’ll make your relationship escalate more than it should.
Having the expectations of others present will put a great deal of pressure on you two, as opposed to dating freely.
But that’s not all.
If things end up not working, you may feel embarrassed to break things off and might think “Aw, everyone knows I’m dating this person. I’ll just tolerate it.”
You don’t need people all up in your business if you’re truly trying to get someone.
✅Do: Be careful with physicality.
Hooking up and stuff is OK if you’re both on the same boat about it, however, you must be careful.
Some people are looking for only physical relationships and act in a certain way to get them—basically, if the person you’re talking to wants sex only, he/she will never show their true colors.
They’ll act in a way they know you’ll like, get you into bed, and dump you when they’ve finished.
So in hindsight, withholding sex might be useful in revealing a person’s true intentions.
✅Do: Calculate your compatibility.
No, I am not talking just about your zodiac signs.
Take everything they tell you about themselves throughout these 90 days and try to calculate your compatibility.
Do your values align? Are there any dealbreakers? Do you like (or at least tolerate) the same stuff?
And most importantly, would you have normally picked this person had it not been for your fondness for them?
Feelings make you oblivious to red flags.
❌Don’t: Turn them away completely.
You want space and independence but that doesn’t mean you should treat this person like a stranger—just that you should respect each other’s boundaries.
At the end of the day, being mistreated would make just anybody lose interest.
There’s plenty you can do during these 3 months to deepen your relationship:
- Talking;
- Flirting the right way;
- Opening up emotionally;
- Going on dates, etc.
There won’t be a need for you to give your crush the cold shoulder just to make a statement—this isn’t what the 3-month rule is about.
✅Do: Show them what you’re made of during these 90 days!
The 3-month rule works in the favor of the other person too, as you both need to find out just how compatible you are with one another.
In these 90 days, you’re going to show this person you can’t be messed with and that you won’t put up with a player.
- Just be yourself.
Being the initiator doesn’t mean you have to behave a certain way—gradually getting comfortable in this context will benefit you as well.
– Be careful when telling your partner you’re using the rule!
Telling your partner about it might make them feel like they’re a lab rat.
This is, naturally, very insulting to confident people (and very nerve-wracking to people who don’t like pressure).
- On a related note, if you’re dating for marriage and taking it very seriously, you may tell your partner.
You’d also be chasing away the people who want you only for your body, seeing how most don’t have the patience to be in a “trial relationship”.
If you’re dating this person just for fun with no intention of getting serious, then you’re better off keeping this rule a secret.
– Or you can indirectly tell your partner that you want to wait before showing them off to the world!
Following the 3-month dating rule — The Pros & Cons:
This rule isn’t for the faint of heart, the people who can’t help falling in love with and becoming attached to the person they’re dating.
But even so, I think that the general basis of this rule is very healthy for couples because it boosts carefulness in dating.
If you want to learn more about this topical rule (its advantages and drawbacks), here’s everything you need to know:
| Pros | Cons |
| Getting to know each other | Potentially insulting to your partner |
| Promotes patience and carefulness | Intimidates some people |
| Serious relationships | Puts pressure on your partner |
| Helps select adequate partners | Not fit for many |
| Prevents wasting time | |
| Assesses compatibility | |
| Building trust and emotional connections |
In a nutshell, quality over quantity dating—the 3-month rule tells you to date smarter, not harder.
– Is the 3-month dating rule right for you?
If you’re tired of dedicating your time, love, and attention to people undeserving of it, do give this principle a try.
You don’t have to try out multiple relationships right after the other to find the right person: you only need to let time do its thing without rushing.
Also, if you are someone who gets attached easily, read more about it and try to utilize the rule as much as possible to prevent falling for the wrong people.
Look at your relationship logically, as opposed to only emotionally, and ask yourself this:
- “Are me and [person] right for each other? Will this work in the long run? Is there anything I’m irked by? Is my partner marriage material?”
3 months of dating is plenty serious with the right people.
The harsh, yet oddly poetic reality of love is that a person can make you feel more in 3 months than someone else in 3 years.
If you and your partner are committed to each other (and couldn’t care less about other people), then your relationship is solid, although new.
You’re emotionally connected, talk things out, and care for one another.
On the other hand, if your relationship is only physical in nature, then your partner might not be looking for something serious.
They hit you up only for sex and pay little to no importance to deepening your emotional connection.
Such relationships don’t usually pass the 3-month mark (hence the rule) due to the player’s impatience.
If a casual relationship is not what you’re looking for, I suggest you turn to the 3-month dating rule for help!
Lots of love,
Callisto.
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