By kep1187 | Dec 22 2015
So this guy and I dated for a little over a month. It was very intense, we connected instantly and the chemistry was off the charts. Neither of us have experienced anything like what we did. His words and actions when we were together gave every indication that things were progressing toward "official" status, but I wanted to take it slow and so did he. I was totally following his lead on this in terms of relationship progression, because he was my first date that went anywhere since my divorce and though I am totally open to the idea of a relationship I am not necessarily pursuing one, just meeting new men and seeing where things go. It really felt like it could actually eventually "go" somewhere with this guy.
As you can imagine, despite my initial reluctance I developed feelings for him, and he seemed to for me as well. Then, out of the blue, he revealed himself as a textbook emotionally unavailable man, hitting the brakes right when things got the most intimate and he seemed to be indicating he wanted to look at things moving up. We had a very intense and warm weekend, and then the warm texts and conversation went to a bare minimum and he then went AWOL on some plans we had. We suddenly were "no longer on the same page" although literally nothing had changed and needed to talk.
The talk went down like this: he said that he was really struggling with some personal stuff (career questioning, quarter life crisis existentialist stuff, confusion over the future and what he wants, busy with health issues, had alot of family concerns and plans that couldn't include me coming up) and just couldn't do a relationship at the moment both because of these problems and because he flat out doesn't know what he wants. I asked him bluntly if it was that he wasn't sure if he just didn't want a relationship or didn't want one with ME, and he said both. That I'm not the kind of girl you just screw around with but he doesn't know if he is ready for that, that he shouldn't be dating anyone right now, that he just wasn't sure what finding "the one" feels like. That things were so intense and felt so right when we were together, but then when we were separate and realities set in he came back down to earth and felt frightened and uncertain. That because he doesn't know if he's ready he doesn't want to do what he did with his ex and fake certainty and move forward, creating resentment and ruining what could be awesome between us.
He said that he wanted to keep me in his life though, because he loved being around me and felt for me and thought things might change. BUT--he couldn't define a boundary for us going forward, he said he didn't want to friend zone me but could neither continue doing as we were nor progress into a relationship for now. We agreed that we could see each other when he could for a while, but it would be very casual. He apologized for being so vague on everything, but that was all he could give me right now because he had no clarity on anything himself. After a very emotionally up and down night, I called him the next day to tell him that that wouldn't work for me because I deserved more or at least some boundaries to work with while he figured things out. I said that this immature, undefined limbo thing would be confusing for both of us and set us up for lots of hurt and resentment and potential for misunderstanding. I told him that if he was really being honest about just needing some space for a while then in all honesty I did too, and that it was best if we didn't see each other at all. Cold turkey. He sounded very sad but agreed, and asked if he could still call me a bit down the road when he got things figured out. I said yeah, maybe, if we both got our heads screwed on straight and decided our heats went that way. We said goodbye. In a moment of weakness after a bad date later I texted him one more time, saying that not seeing each was for the best but still really sucked, huh? He never responded.
I have been struggling to move on. It is so stupid, it was a freaking MONTH and a half and the emotionally unavailable red flags and classic mixed signals were there from the get-go but I didn't recognize them as such. He was very immature, has no idea how relationships let alone love work in reality and so is clearly not ready, and has self-esteem issues. There is no reason I should even want him back but I miss him like crazy. Something about him got under my skin and I can't shake hoping deep down that he'll come back someday. I am no naive fool or lovestruck teenager, I know there is a good chance he was just actually no longer interested or playing me all along and was letting me down easy, and that even if he was being sincere there is still a good chance he will never call. In the spirit of knowing I need to act to get over him, not get him back, to protect myself, I deleted him entirely form my phone after that moment of weakness text and unfriended him on Facebook to remove the temptation of checking up on him.