By runawaybride_2 | Mar 10 2016
I am writing because I need advice for how to handle the predicament I am in. I am engaged, and have been in a relationship with my fiance for 3 years. We have a great time together, he is the sweetest and most considerate person in the world, he loves me and would do anything for me. Our families get along great and everything seems to be perfect. We have an exciting sex-life, albeit not as exciting as 2 years ago. We both have great careers and have the same future goals. The only area where we don't mesh is the fact that I'm a hopeless dreamer, someone who always wants to be fulfilled spiritually and who is always looking for inner peace, and can never find it. My fiance doesn't have that desire, and it's not something we talk about. After all, it's difficult to explain when I don't necessarily know what it is that I am searching for.
We are planning the last details for our wedding in a few months, and the closer the wedding date comes, the more terrified I am. I have found that talk of the wedding gives me knots in my stomach, makes me feel trapped and makes me lose attraction and devotion to my fiance. I have never cheated on him, but I have noticed that I've started noticing other guys more and I have a strong urge to be with someone else sexually and passionately, it's almost like I am planning how and with whom to do it. I can't get it out of my head, it consumes me and I have no idea how to bring it up to my fiance - or if I even should. He would be heartbroken. The idea of losing him and not being with him is equally as scary to me, if I ever saw him with another woman I would be heartbroken too.
I can easily imagine a life where we don't get married and where I am free to explore myself and what life has in store for me. I have a much harder time imaging myself as someone's wife, someone's mother and someone who has everything mapped out. But where we are currently; everything is planned and paid for, guests are invited to our destination wedding, and it seems like pulling it is impossible, and I don't even know if I want to.
I should say I am 29 years old, and this is the first really long relationship I've had. I've dated guys for longer periods, but never with the amount of commitment in my current relationship. I cry every day, and my fiance is noticing that I'm affected, but he thinks it's just wedding jitters and that everything will be fine. It might just be wedding jitters, I don't know. I used to be excited about our engagement, but I dread everything about it now. I don't want to be married, it feels like I'm walking voluntarily into a prison. But I also don't want to lose my fiance, whom I adore wholeheartedly.
Now I'm Wondering
Please can you advise me what could be driving my behaviour? If anyone has any insight into the psychology behind this type of anxiety, I'd really appreciate it. This past week I've had difficulty breathing whenever I think of my future as "wife" and would do anything for a month of freedom from commitment. Maybe I just need a break to realize what I'll be losing if I don't go through with it?