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Is this just a physical attraction thing or does this guy really...

By saracherie | Apr 08 2016

I went to hs with this guy and we haven't spoken in years. We match on tinder, decide to meet up at a bar. Everything was great, we kissed. We've been texting every single day. After our first meet up we've been meeting up at his place since. One time he said he couldn't stand it and met me at the library to give me a few kisses. However after that all we do is meet up at his place, and things get pretty heated. He tells me he really likes me, that he only wants me. He calls me his, while cuddling one night he said he wants me to be his girlfriend. Today I've gone on tinder to check and see if he's been on and it says he has.

Now I'm Wondering

Is this just a physical attraction thing or does this guy really like me? And even though he says he wants to take me out on a date, he still hasn't. Am I just getting lied when really we're just friends with benefits? I don't get it.

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6 Comments

sarajacobs

Top Commenter

8 Apr

He's not taking you on a date because either he doesn't want to date you or you're not setting the standard that he has to date you (or perhaps a combination of both of these things). He doesn't have to date you because of the FWB arrangement you've got going on. I imagine he probably thinks there's no use in dating you if you're already getting intimate with him. If you want a relationship, then your actions need to reflect that. Going back to (or over to) a guy's place in the scenario you described is just bad news--it's low-effort for him and it also implies that you are low-value. (Granted, this is what it implies, that doesn't mean you are low-value.) I would pay attention to his actions more than his words. Talk is cheap. Sure he's telling you all these sweet things, but his actions (active on Tinder, hasn't taken you on a date) indicate he's not serious. Also, texting daily means nothing in gauging his true interest. If he's really interested in you, he'll make time to see you in person at a location other than his place. I'm not sure how you feel about the FWB arrangement. I can tell that you're confused by it because it doesn't completely align with his words. What I mean to say is that if the FWB arrangement doesn't align with your values and/or your goals related to dating, then cut off the arrangement and stop seeing this guy. Don't compromise your values to get his attention or in an attempt to "change" him. If you compromise your values for a guy, you'll be hurt and feel used in the long run. If you're afraid to maintain your values because you think you'll never find someone--then I think the saying "whether you think you can or you can't, you're right" is true.

saracherie

9 Apr

So after seeing this play out, he did ask me to be his girlfriend. I haven't seen him on since then, but idk if he will go on there later on. It does bother me that we only see each other at his place. The issue is he usually works from like 7 am until 9 or 10 at night so its kinda hard to see each other anywhere else unless we go out to the bar or something. I also don't know how to bring up the tinder thing since we just now became official. Should I keep my tinder and check to see if he is still using it or delete it?

sarajacobs

Top Commenter

10 Apr

If your whole reason in keeping your Tinder account active is to check up on him, then that means you don't trust him—which means you definitely shouldn't be in a relationship with him. Trust is the foundation of a relationship. Also, does he have those work hours seven days a week? I'd expect that he'd have a day or two off on a weekly basis. Have you explained to him that you want to get together with him at a location other than his place? Like I mentioned earlier, he's going to treat you based on the standard that you hold yourself to. So if you're the woman who's always ok with getting together at his place and he doesn't have to go above and beyond that to keep you as his girlfriend, then he's not going to bother to make plans.

saracherie

12 Apr

He has one day off every week, and usually we will spend that day together. We will go out to grab some food, go get drinks, ice cream but then we will go back to his place. I haven't met any of his friends yet or really gone out on a "date" and to me "dates" are like bowling, dancing, doing something other than food and going back to his place. I have brought it up and he says he wants the same thing but nothing has changed. As far as keeping the tinder, you're right I shouldn't keep it just to check up on his actions. I think I will just ask him about it in person if I ever get the courage.

morrisann

Top Commenter

12 Apr

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sarajacobs

Top Commenter

12 Apr

I think that good relationships are built on open, honest communication. You may be hesitant to bring up certain topics this early in the relationship, but you shouldn't have to fear talking to him about a topic. If it's on your mind and you need an answer from him, then be open with him. If he doesn't react favorably to you asking him difficult questions, then that's probably a good indication that you should reevaluate the relationship. As for him not taking you on dates, I think that's another opportunity to give him honest feedback and communicate your needs. The next time you go out to eat, leave after you're finished at the restaurant (or if you drove together, leave after you get back to his place but don't go inside). You can tell him that you enjoy his company, which is why you go out to eat with him, but it's really important to you that he takes you on proper dates. (I think it's a good idea that you affirm him so that he doesn't think you're mad at him when you leave without going back to his place.) I know you may not like the idea of cutting short your time together, but following this approach ensures that your actions (leaving after going out to eat and not going back to his place) match your words (you want to go on proper dates, which involves more than just going out to eat and going back to his place). If he realizes that taking you on a proper date is the only way he'll get to spend more time with you, then he'll put in extra effort to see you. But for now, I think it goes back to what I said earlier--he's not trying because he doesn't have to try...he gets to see you whether or not he plans a proper date. I imagine he's a bit overworked based on his work schedule, so extend him a little grace without making excuses for him.

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