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I went on 4 really great dates with this guy I met on tinder but...

By objectiveopinions | Apr 10 2016

How can I confront a guy that blocked me on Tinder but is still talking to me?

Now I'm Wondering

I went on 4 really great dates with this guy I met on tinder but have not slept with him. He asked if I was uncomfortable and I explained that I want to wait for a relationship to have sex. We have just kissed and he has slept over but I do not want it to get too far so I'd rather not give him that idea and I have explicitly told him. We don't text between dates but he does make plans and confirms consistently. The other day I noticed that he is no longer in my match list however he popped up on my roommates account as she was swiping. This really bothers me because the last guy I was "exclusive" with deleted me but kept his tinder and I later found out. People may claim they delete people because they already have their contact info but why wouldn't he have done that after the first date two months ago and no waited until things are seeming to get a little serious? Although this isn't a full blown lie, I feel like this shows his character. I am wondering how I can confront him without seeming like I am checking up on him stalkerishly? I really had only checked a couple of times since we've met to show my friends his pics.

6 Comments

sarajacobs

Top Commenter

10 Apr

Unless you've left out these details in your post, my understanding is that you guys have not had a conversation about being exclusive or being in a relationship. It's good of you to hold yourself to your own standards and refuse to sleep with him until you're in a relationship. At the same time, you can't look at this situation as him cheating on you or being untrustworthy just because he blocked you but didn't close his account. It almost seems like you're frustrated by the situation because you like him but you won't sleep with him until you're in a relationship...but then you're upset because his actions (i.e., blocking you on Tinder but not removing his profile) don't get you any closer to a relationship with him, which means you can't sleep with him yet based on your personal standards. Also, you say "people may claim they delete people because they already have their contact info..." Did you ask him about why he deleted you? If not, it's not fair of you to use this reasoning and assume that would be his excuse for deleting/blocking you. It sucks that your boyfriend cheated on you and that that situation resembles this one, but I encourage you not to project that situation onto this one. Also, it's not fair of you to call him out for having an active Tinder profile when you have one as well—even if you're not actively matching with guys and are using it primarily to show your friends his pictures. If you like this guy enough, then have a face-to-face conversation with him and express your interest in removing your profile, then see if he mentions wanting to follow your lead and shut down his as well. I think that's a mature approach to this situation because then you're clearly communicating your interest, which allows him to affirm you (by expressing his mutual interest) or giving you an indication that you should move on (because he's interested in keeping his profile active and dating other women). I feel this is a much better approach than to "confront" him about why he still has an active profile. The whole reason you want to confront him (from what I can tell ) is to figure out whether or not he's truly interested in you. By having a conversation with him (instead of staging a confrontation), you have the opportunity to communicate what you're looking for and figure out if he feels the same way. So basically, it's a different approach, but you'll end up with the same result.

objectiveopinions

10 Apr

I think I may have been misunderstood. I am not confronting him as to why he has an active profile. I have an active profile and that is not the problem. It is that the underlying reason for someone blocking someone they are seeing is deceptive. Regardless of the type of relationship wether it be friendship or romantic, trust is something I do not take lightly. If someone were to delete me because they did not want me to see that they are still active or if they changed their profile, well then that is deceptive. The only other excuse is that he deletes everyone he meets and if that were really the truth, he wouldve deleted me a while ago. If he were to keep his profile up and still use it, I would not find that to be dishonest because we never had that conversation. I would like advice how I should phrase things when I ask him about why he blocked me :)

sarajacobs

Top Commenter

10 Apr

Thanks for the clarification. If someone deletes you because he didn't want you to see that he is still active or he changed his pictures *and then* he claims not to be an active user and/or he says he's dating only you, then I agree—that's deceptive. But at this point, he really doesn't owe you an explanation for his actions. You're speculating as to why he's blocked you based on past experiences. Are you confronting him as a way to salvage any potential relationship or friendship with him? If not, then I think you should just let it go. There's really no way to confront him without coming off as "stalkerish" (your word :D) because you guys aren't in a relationship or dating exclusively, so he doesn't have to give you a reason. If you want to confront him to teach him a lesson or to have the last word, then I think you're investing too much time into this situation. Why ruminate over this guy's actions and the possible future confrontation when you feel he's already deceived you? I know I'm not answering your stated question, but that's because I don't feel there's a good way to go about having the conversation without being perceived as nosy/stalkerish. Dating is full of unanswered questions (like when someone ghosts/does the slow fade). I think it's best just to be content with the unanswered questions and continue seeing other people.

objectiveopinions

11 Apr

I wanted to see if he had any other explanation for things simply because I am trying not to drag my last relationship into this; I want to give him an opportunity to explain himself. I appreciate the feedback but being honest has nothing to do with being in a relationship or not and no he doesn't "owe" me anything but I hold everyone that I have any sort of relationship with (friends, family , coworkers) to the standard that they should be honest and genuine with me and if not, then I cut them out. I believe the action in and of itself is deceptive and without having any label because it seems like he is hiding something and I deserve honestly - committed or not. I think that women too often do not expect respect and honesty right out of the gate just because they are not official but I believe that everyone deserves honestly in EVERY kind of relationship and we should speak up if we feel that we are not being honored.

sarajacobs

Top Commenter

11 Apr

In that case, just get straight to the point and ask him, "Why did you block me?" You really shouldn't care what he thinks about you, so there's no risk of coming off as "stalkerish." And the truth is, you have checked up on him several times (no matter the reason, you've still done it), so he's within his full right to think you're "stalkerish." I think the thing you need to decide is how you're going to explain your actions to him when he asks about you checking up on him. If you're going to say that you don't have to justify your actions to him, then that seems like a double standard based on your reason for confronting him. It seems like you've already invested more than enough time into ruminating about this situation, so I hope this confrontation gives you some sort of closure. Don't be surprised though if you become a story that he shares with his friends about women he's met online. If I were in your situation and I thought this guy was being deceptive, I would just cut him out of my life--simple and done. I wouldn't even bother to invest the time seeking an explanation or an apology from him. If a guy can't be honest with me early on (before there's any talk of dating exclusively), that's a huge red flag to me. I've learned not to stress myself out and waste my time by seeking things from people (e.g., honesty, an explanation, etc.) that I think I deserve. I just remember that how someone treats me is reflective of his/her character, not my value.

morrisann

Top Commenter

12 Apr

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