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Kadeem: When losing is really winning

By Kadeem Hylton | Mar 04 2014

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Dating can be life's ultimate test of patience when it comes to finding the right guy to be with. It can be the search of a needle in a haystack epitomized. We've all got our ideal mate in mind and we may even know on what things we can or cannot compromise. But, that doesn't make the search easier. In fact, it might do the opposite. With that said, it is fair to say that unless you're in the number of the lucky few who, without much effort, find exactly what they've been looking for in a partner on their first or second try, you've got your work cut out for you. You'll find that you're more likely to move on than you are to move in.

But why is moving on so hard?

The fact is, we only plan on getting married once--if at all. So, we should already anticipate the list of break ups prior. And that goes for everyone regardless of your relationship goals. If your realistic, you have to anticipate a few breakups in life before that one solid relationship comes along--and possibly some more after that too.

Moving on is always tough because we aren't honest with ourselves when we date. We tell ourselves after six weeks that we've got a good thing, meanwhile we ignore the possibility of failure. And don't think that I am being a Negative Nancy just because it's fun. That isn't the case. Honest couples are aware that "tomorrow isn't promised" and, live their relationship out by focusing on each day and its individual moments. Experience has proven that once the importance of each moment is forgotten in relationships, dating becomes monotonous and boring. These types of routine relationships then only exist for the sake of existing. They eventually fizzle and burn out.

So, how does losing become winning?

Well, if we were to shrink the world into a highly unreliable sample size of 10 (for the sake of argument), it would be much easier to paint this picture. So, bear with me. In this world of ten, you and your boyfriend are represented (luckily, for this sample you're the only female). Things don't work out and you then meet one of the other eligible bachelor's. Things again don't work out, and you move on. And so on. Eventually, you find the ideal gentleman to spend the rest of your days with, and (lets imagine) it only took you four failed relationships (in your lifetime). You are the happiest you've ever been, of course! And that is not solely because of him, but it is because you both, together, created the ideal environment in which you both thrive as people. That is what a good healthy relationship can produce!

Still don't get it?

In order to find the right guy for you, you must embrace the idea/possibility of losing the one you are with. This is not a call for you to break up with your boyfriend as much as it is my denouncing of the tendency of some women to remain in a relationship--at the cost of their happiness--for the sake of being in a relationship. I hear all too often, women, saying in many forms that they are afraid to speak up about something because their guy might "run away." It is at this point you should realize that if who you are and what you stand for are enough to make him run, you should only be cheering him on as he flees. It is only as you continue to "lose" that you are closer to winning that for which you set out to attain.

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